My husband is DX non-medicated (by choice, he refuses meds and therapy. I've been in solo therapy myself for several years). I've commented/posted here before, but feeling quite down with recent conflicts. Separation is not an option because I do love him and I refuse to lose my kid 50% of the time. Posting here to seek fellowship and maybe some ways to consider and approach our conflicts. I also want to emphasize that he is not an abuser per-say, but his behavior is abusive, if that makes sense.

Things fell off the rails when we had our kid several years ago, which coincided with a couple year span of job changes, moving house, the stress from the pandemic, and some serious medical concerns for me (I'm doing much better now). Up until that point, we were a typical in love young married couple. Yes, his ADHD (undiagnosed at the time) caused problems (looking back able to connect all the dots). It was not as impactful prior to the kid and his issues, mistakes, etc were less high stakes.

It's hard to know where to begin. And yet it really doesn't matter in an argument, because he assigns whatever tone, meaning, blame or twist to my words that fits his false memories anyway. I take great care, tiptoe on the eggshells, situate my face into the most neutrally kind expression possible, ask in advance ("is now an ok time to chat?") do lots of gentle sandwiching (starting with drawing attention to my request to chat/asking if its a good time, emphasize that I'm not mad at his actions, but I want to address something important that happened) and he will totally lose it and DARVO me. Most recently, my attempt to address an issue of communication between us as husband and wife. Trying to stay vague for privacy, but basically the issue is that he has started to make big decisions unilaterally without first having a discussion between us. These decisions affect our money and how we spend our time. He will agree to stuff without chatting with me first (we have a kid, everyone's schedule choices directly affect everyone else). I'm usually the last to find out if we are hosting a large group of people at our house (he will invite/confirm with everyone and then tell me AFTER THE FACT). He calls what he is doing as being "decisive." It has gotten so frustrating. He will make plans to go do X, and finalize/pay for those plans prior to running it by me first. I want to be very clear: my problem is NOT WITH HIM DOING X. My problem is with him making these decisions and plans without first having a touch-base conversation with me ("Hey-I want to do X this weekend. This is what time it is. That ok?), like I ALWAYS do with him. I have had so many "surprise solo parent" moments over the years its just the norm for me now. He DARVO's this by 1) Deny - "I did nothing wrong, I can make my own choices of how to spend my time and it's not that big of a deal anyway" 2) Attack - He will then immediately begin attacking my character. Calling me names, saying I have never supported him in our marriage, I do nothing but sit around all day, I complain about being a mother, I'm actually just too sensitive and need to relax 3) Reverse Victim/Offendor - He's actually the victim here because it is really me (wife) who has treated him like a second-class citizen for years, I hate all his hobbies, I never let him do anything, I'm so controlling so it is me (wife) who is the bad guy here, he is a victim of my mistreatment of him.

He cannot/is incapable of apology or accountability. The response I would love to me (wife) saying "Hey - I'm a little upset you didn't run [major plan] by me first. I'm not mad that you agreed to it, but I would like to communicate better in the future so we're all on the same page because you agreed to something and now I'm surprise solo parenting" would be something like this: "Wife, I am so sorry that you were caught off guard by my agreement to X plan. I'll make my best effort to remember to have a preliminary convo before agreeing with others/family/large group so that we can all have our needs met on the weekend." Obviously this never happens and an apology never comes. I get attacked for having too high of standards. I get screamed at for actions I did not do and thoughts I did not have. No amount of denial will dissuade him. He goes and does the thing, we are mad, and eventually time passes.

This specifically comes out during an ADHD meltdown. It is getting worse and more mean (not physical), to the point where the attacks on my character are too much. I spend time secretly crying. There is so much more that has happened. Every medical crisis I've had I have been screamed at for being too self-centered. Every holiday or event is ruined by a meltdown from the pressure. The crazy making part is that his narrative, and truth to him, is that it is my fault. My fault for asking for communication (is it really necessary if wife was going to agree it was ok to do X anyway?) asking for kindness when I'm in the hospital when he's been so unconformable in this chair all day. Logic and reasoning goes totally out the window. One time he fought me tooth and nail that I "wouldn't let him respond" and he "couldn't get a word in edgewise" over a TEXT message conversation. Another time I "Didn't care about him because I didn't respond to a text" when I was at an appointment for our kid.

I know how this all sounds and I know it is abusive behavior. I'm no saint and had my share of mess-ups but I ALWAYS say sorry and I model this with my kid all the time. I've done loads of personal therapy work. This ADHD abuse/conflict cycle happens when he is in a "thing." I can tell by his behavior and by his stimming when he's in a phase. It can sometimes last up to a month. I speak truthfully when I say we are deeply connected but I'm feeling so much more hurt each time. I don't understand why he cannot/will not apologize for anything.

Since his adhd diagnosis a couple of months ago my husband has told me he doesn't know if he wants to be in a relationship. We have been together 6 years, and were married a year ago. 18 months ago we had a stillbirth and last year was very hard on my mental health and our relationship took a battering. Mid last year he also bought a business in an industry he hasn't worked in before which became his 24/7 focus and i felt disconnected from him at a time I needed more support. He struggled to move between work stress and spending quality time together. I started to struggle with what I now realise were adhd tendencies like patchy contribution to housework, being snappy and irritable, prioritising his phone over our face to face interactions, feeling criticised by even small requests. I took this personally and was reactive and became withdrawn at times. I now feel I can approach this with compassion rather than annoyance. We were seeing a couples counselor prior to the diagnosis, but he doesn't want to do this any more as he feels our issues won't be helped by that. He has started seeing a psychologist on his own. Further complicating things- I unexpectedly got pregnant and am in my second trimester. We were taking a break from trying after two losses. He was previously very excited about having a child together. Now my husband told me I am only being nice to him since I peed on a stick (which also correlated with a diagnosis and him explaining how unhappy he was). He told me the baby is unwanted for him and has made comments about how as a man his rights are unclear in this case (this is not something he has expressed in the past and is insulting after what we've been through trying to have a baby). He feels he is trapped and it is my choice to keep the baby.
Right now he thinks life will be better alone and not surrounded by people, because he feels people close to him are constantly disappointed in him. He said he wants to do what he wants, when he wants. He has this notion that all of his past relationships start with women who find him exciting and then the novelty wears off because he won't settle down. I don't feel like this. We have transitioned towards settling down together after both living very transiently by choice. There was no pressure from me. He has expressed that he doesn't want to get treatment he just wants to live his life to suit him. He doesn't see the point in a relationship. And doesn't want support for his adhd because he can just do things his own way and be happy.  I'm ok about the single parent idea. I'll be heartbroken and it is not my preference but I have good support. It will mean moving  2000km away to be around family and friends. We have no family where we are. He has suggested he's only considering staying together because of the baby and because of the family relationships and friendships he would probably ruin if he left me and a child.
I am at a loss. I want to support him to find solutions so we can get back to what was previously a very loving and happy relationship. But I don't know if or when he will come around to accepting that? I know anger can occur with an adult adhd diagnosis. But does anyone have experience with this and whether it takes time? I feel like the diagnosis has brought out narcissist traits. But I also feel guilty thinking that because of what he is going through and how unhappy he was for 12 months while I was not a great partner.

I'm exhausted and don't know what to do. Please seeking advice and guidance. Apologies for the lengthy post. 

Me (28 y/o F) and my fiance (29 y/o M) have been together since about 2015 and got engaged in Summer 2022.   He has an ADHD diagnosis since he was a child.  Currently un-medicated.  As of 2021 he has discussed his feelings of depression and anxiety with me. (I've encouraged therapy and professional help on multiple occasions but he refuses).  Since getting engaged we're not getting along and I feel like I'm losing my sanity. 

For background, trying to summarize as best I can -- After getting engaged last summer he went on a bender of drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana beginning all day every day for about 2 weeks. He'd previously been a weed smoker for years but not to this level of abuse.  I expressed my concern a few times.  He only stopped once we had an enormous fight about it. He admitted afterwards that he uses marijuana as a crutch to deal with his emotions.  He said he was experiencing a lot of emotional difficulty at getting engaged because it was such a big life change, his childhood is over, etc.  Due to this, I suggested we try couples therapy.  I wanted to work through his substance abuse, depression, etc. with him in therapy.  We went a few times but he refused to continue and said "we need to learn to deal with conflict ourselves." I, of course, felt awful.  Being newly engaged, this was supposed to be a very happy time and it wasn't. It seemed like couples therapy gave him license to turn his substance abuse and mental health issues on me and make them my fault.  He would say "you're the reason I'm depressed", "it takes two to end up in therapy", etc. 

Since that time, for about a year, we've continued to have issues.  The issues have escalated and I need help, I'm at my wits end.  He is extremely difficult to talk to.  I feel like I'm losing my sanity.  Every time we argue I feel smaller and smaller.  I feel like I'm living inside a vacuum and when I step away from him I'm like oh ... "wait a minute, I remember who I am."  I feel like I don't know what a normal argument is anymore and what I am allowed to be upset about.  Whenever I'm upset I feel like he flips it on me and somehow I always end up apologizing when I was the one who went into the discussion feeling upset!  In arguments if I say "when you did X, it made me feel Y" he always replies with "you are accountable for your own emotions. I am not responsible for how you feel." Or "I can't help the way you feel, you need to control your own emotions".  We can never have discussions about hurt feelings where I say I was hurt, and he simply apologizes for being hurtful.  He always has a convenient way to make it my fault.  I am tense around him because I don't know what his mood will be or how he will reply.  He flips angrily and becomes paranoid and the simplest things.  I find myself agreeing with his logic just to stop the argument and come to a peaceful place. 

He is either extremely disciplined, or not.  Which I believe is characteristic of ADHD people.  And when he is disciplined, he is extremely arrogant about it and lords it over me.  Constantly telling me that I am not accountable enough and need to be more like him.  I am constantly not doing something right in his opinion and he is constantly critiquing me.  When I bring up that his critiques wear on me he tells me to stop playing the victim and be accountable.  He rarely asks questions of my activities and just tells me what he would do.  When I disagree, he tells me that I don't listen to him. 

Recently, I put on a pair of gold hoop earrings to go to dinner with him.  He told me he didn't like them and wanted me to take them off.  I told him I liked them and wanted to wear them anyway.  He asked me, why wouldn't I want to dress in a way that is attractive to him and said that it is disrespectful to him (as my fiance) to go against what he finds attractive.  I said I did not ask for his opinion and asked him to respect my wishes.  He said "why would I ever compliment you again if you don't listen to me when I'm telling you now I don't like something."  I get so stunned at how such a simple thing escalated into an arguments. It is making me feel crazy because he always finds a way to manipulate the argument into a way where he is right.  I have had dozens of arguments like this.  I cant even remember them all anymore.

I lost it today and am strongly considering calling off the wedding.  I can't take much more.  He is involved with coaching after his regular 9-5 job.  I was leaving for work this morning and making polite conversation when I asked him "if he had practice tonight?"  He suddenly became irate. He started angrily repeating the question and following after me yelling "Do I have practice tonight?!  Answer the question yourself!  Do I?!"  I was so stunned and replied that I wasn't sure of his schedule because he hadn't given it to me.  Over the weekend his dad shared the schedule with me and I forgot that I had it.  My fiance continued to stomp after me yelling "You're asking a stupid question!  My dad gave you the schedule!  Stop being a liar!" I walked out.

I was stunned at how quickly the situation escalated and sat in my car before work to reflect on the situation.  I wondered, as we approach getting married, that if I had a child with this man and he spoke to me in that manner in front of our child, would I be proud?  Would that be appropriate?  Would that be something I'd want the child to witness? No.

I texted him this morning from my car saying "No one deserves to be spoken to the way you just spoke to me."  He texted me "Stop playing the victim." He can just never apologize for his behavior.  I get it that I had the schedule but I really don't feel my question warranted that response.

I feel like I cant have a conversation with him anymore.  I don't know if its NPD or ADHD related but I am emotionally drained and stuck.  I love him very much and that is why I struggle with what to do.  It is difficult to consider ending things with someone you love but I feel like he isn't the same person anymore.  These arguments seem incredibly abnormal.  Do people who have been together almost a decade just have these issues?  Please help. 

EDIT -- I want to profusely thank everyone who has taken the time to weigh in and help a stranger in a time of need.  Your thoughts are appreciated and have been very helpful in sifting through the chaos. 

EDIT (again) -- I ended the engagement and relationship.  It has been personally very difficult but your advice helped provide clarity on something I had been struggling with for a while.  Thank you.  

It was a light bulb moment for me when my ex shared a link that it's possible he could have ADHD - his is more of ADD as there was no impulsiivity but there was acute selfishness, unreliability and inattentiveness. Zero investment in marriage or family. We had a parent -child dynamic in a decade and a half old marriage. The experience of the non-ADHD spouse shared in the article was 1000% my reality . 
We have had so many conflicts, I was emotionally drained , exhausted and depleted. He was hyperfocused on several businesses which kept failing , I had to sole provide for the larger part of our marriage which I was happy to do them because  I felt he needed to focus on his business. I also had to support him in these businesses as he always said I was very smart and he needs me but no reciprocity . I struggled on my own to meet my own needs and that of the children . He only wanted his emotional and sexual needs met. 

He just wanted the benefits of fatherhood and marriage without the responsibilities. He would leave the home /walk out when things were not working , literally abandon us for months under the guise of wanting peace . His idea of peace was to be left alone and not be involved in household, child care or anything that required mental or physical effort. Never felt he should protect his family, he would tell the kids I am a strong woman so to him I could manage or fix any problems. He was intensely stingy and selfcentered - would not share anything with me except on very few occasions. He needed to be told or reminded to help with everything except things that benefit him. 
He was a closet cheat and has been unfaithful in the most grotesque way.  He seemed to have a good outward personality so it was hard for anyone to relate or for me to share my challenges 

He recently cheated with a mutual friend of ours, filed for divorce and plans to marry her.  It was a horrific ordeal but I am thankful that my pain and what I went through was validated by his diagnosis and that I was not unreasonable or expecting too much . I asked him if he would share his diagnosis with all those he has demonized me against but he ignored . He is one to cling to sympathy .