Hi. I'm new here.

I've been reading through some posts and I can see so many similarities with my situation. My head is mashed with everything I'm dealing with so I've probably left out a lot of details. 

My wife's behaviour has changed so much recently and I dont know what to do. Shes identified to me that she thinks she might have ADHD. All the signs are there, but she will not have a talk with her Dr because she says they cannot give her anything to fix it and it will effect her having the kids if anything was to happen in our marriage. 

She has always switched from extremely loving to a nightmare with mood swings in all the time I have known her. A few months ago I noticed her mood shift to becoming more distant. I offered natural spousal support and it was accepted sometimes, but also pushed away on others and seen as fussing. Things came to a head when, just before a big anniversary, she started to open up about her feelings for someone else at work. Her timing was impeccable, and knocked me down low. I was told nothing physical had happened, just a lot of flirting that had got sexual in context. I believe my wife. She has never lied to me. She was conflicted about what to do as her guilt was building fast and she told me she was unhappy with us. I struggled with this but showed empathy at the situation as she had explained what has actually been happening. After some time of reflection, I forgave my wife and she promised to get some help with her moods swings as she called them. She didn't, and kept putting this off. 

We rebuilt our relationship following my forgiveness and moved on. But, I could see things getting difficult for her again. She considered every question to be  nag and it became my fault that I was hurting because I had nagged too much. Then she would switch to trying really hard to save us and build us back up. Researching ADHD to find out if this is why she was feeling like she was. It had clicked with me that this is the same reason we got together in the first place. In very much the same way, but it almost as if she had forgotten that. Alot of the main adhd markets seem to fit the bill. 

We were going so well. Then a massive arguement. She called me from work feeling low due to another medical condition. Caught off guard, I responded that everything was fine, but we would have to make some re arrangements for the morning. I was told that my tone was off and to just forget it. When i got home I tried to explain  that my tone was not off at all, more so that I was just tired and worried about her. However, every part of me talking was seen as a nag or negative and as such i was ignored to the point I got angry and shouted just to get my voice heard. From that point  onwards, despite me apologising for shouting straight away, my wife has closed down our relationship. We have agreed recently to work through things for our kids but everything is too tense. 

She still wants a sexual relationship but is talking time over the emotional connections. One minute, very frosty another no so bad. She is then hyper focusing on tasks like clearing her floordrobe which makes her feel good. We discuss decorating projects in the house and she is buzzing for a day or two, then it trails off because it hasn't been done there and then. Yesterday I came home to a loving wife, hugging and kissing, but avoiding the words I love you. Today, I was told that I was being difficult and snapped at all evening. I just cant win. It has always been that she has to be right, winning an arguement is a key point for her. Now I just feel so disconnected and alone. I have given her empathy and support as she has now said that I am always down on her. I have strongly denied this, although not in argument as I have always supported her to the max. 

It's now midnight an I cannot sleep because we have had a row. She wont discuss because she is right and I'm wrong. I love her so much and I'm trying so hard to rebuild our marriage for us and the kids. I think we can , but getting her to talk openly without conflict is very difficult.

Has anyone had this with your ADHD spouse and how did you start to break the barriers and work to a  better understanding? 

I once was a person who was elected for leadership on committees and held leading parts in school plays and was active in forensics and a cheerleader.  Over the years, I seem to have lost my voice.  My voice and demeanor is now compromising and servile.  I shame myself and criticize myself and put myself in the shadows of others.  I am trying to grow and mature and heal and looking for words and ideology of what happened to me so I can take small steps. I was surfing the internet today and found an article that zeroed in on what I was looking for.  Here is what I read and it was helpful to me:  

"Do you ever look around and think, “Wow, I could have done so much better.” If you answered yes, then you may be facing a loss of power in your relationship. When we have low self-esteem or low self-worth, we very often settle for partners who we know won’t fulfill us. It’s a form of self-punishment, but it can leave us trapped in dangerous and toxic situations with people who take our voice from us…and even our joy."

H is who he is and I am accepting that he is like that.  I will find my strong voice but I will strive to keep it kind and keep my dignity. That will be my work.  To speak up and to be aware of the dynamics and responses. To acknowledge myself for each encounter where my words and my voice remain strong and dignified.  

I am working on me now. I am stopping working on/with him.

The article can be found searching: "You have no voice in your relationship" on the medium.com site. 

I am looking for some advice on how to handle a partner with severe ADHD and RSD. 
My partner has regular occasions when he is triggered by something I say which causes his RSD and ADHD to go through the roof. It can be something very normal that I say but sets him off and he gets very angry and ends up stomping off to the bedroom or out of he house for hours at a time. I apologise profusely as I try and help and support him even though in a typical non neuro diverse relationship there would not be a problem. It could be something such as not answering him in a full way or not speaking clearly enough. If a friend or family member said the same thing there would be no problem at all. And often he does the same things to me and I look at the situation and think it feels very hypocritical. I am very sad because it is becoming very regular that he goes off angrily and sends catastrophic messages which are very hurtful and upsetting at times. He always says it's his head that's the problem and not me however it is difficult to cope with and I'm constantly in tears. I want to support him by he can be quite cruel. And if I treated him the same way he would not tolerate it and would go wild. 
I need advice on how to deal with his RSD episodes as they are getting more regular and worse. I see him happy around other people and although other people may say things that would normally trigger something if I'd said it, this makes it harder as I do so much on a daily basis to support him. When he is feeling happy he says we have a wonderful relationship and I am the best person he could ever be with but it doesn't feel like we have the best relationship to me. It feels like I am making him unhappy and I worry that we are not that compatible any more. I've read loads about ADHD and RSD and it all fits with the way he acts but it's very hard to cope with the extreme moods. Any advice would be most welcome as I really don't know how to deal with these situations and although I'm always on high alert to avoid triggering him, it would be a relief at times not to be constantly walking on eggshells around him. I do everything round the house and am his carer really which I don't mind but he says very hurtful things and I feel very undervalued and taken for granted. It feels like the hyper focus of our relationship has gone and I'm not shiny any more. I'm just there to do things for him. 

Hi,

My partner with ADHD has a very long-standing maladaptive habit of lying. Lying to cover up if he didn't follow through, lying to avoid *perceived* conflict, lying if he feels shame about something. It's got to the point where I don't know what's what with him. It may not be ill-intended but the impact has been proud. I feel detached from him, deeply frustrated- trust and honesty and transparency is a huge necessity for me I'm feeling close and emotionally safe. It just seems like when he is anxious or fearful he immediately goes to lying without pausing and thinking about consequences or other options despite having an ADHD coach and a therapist. I just feel hopeless. It's like- on one hand I have empathy for the ADHD and it's various symptoms- some I have flexibility and understanding around (like him being 5 mins late somewhere etc etc) but this lying- I'm losing steam and momentum in this marriage. We have two kids and I don't want to give up but if I'm honest with myself,!8' quite fed up :( 

Mostly just looking for validation or shared experiences. Thank you for reading.