I once was a person who was elected for leadership on committees and held leading parts in school plays and was active in forensics and a cheerleader.  Over the years, I seem to have lost my voice.  My voice and demeanor is now compromising and servile.  I shame myself and criticize myself and put myself in the shadows of others.  I am trying to grow and mature and heal and looking for words and ideology of what happened to me so I can take small steps. I was surfing the internet today and found an article that zeroed in on what I was looking for.  Here is what I read and it was helpful to me:  

"Do you ever look around and think, “Wow, I could have done so much better.” If you answered yes, then you may be facing a loss of power in your relationship. When we have low self-esteem or low self-worth, we very often settle for partners who we know won’t fulfill us. It’s a form of self-punishment, but it can leave us trapped in dangerous and toxic situations with people who take our voice from us…and even our joy."

H is who he is and I am accepting that he is like that.  I will find my strong voice but I will strive to keep it kind and keep my dignity. That will be my work.  To speak up and to be aware of the dynamics and responses. To acknowledge myself for each encounter where my words and my voice remain strong and dignified.  

I am working on me now. I am stopping working on/with him.

The article can be found searching: "You have no voice in your relationship" on the medium.com site. 

I am looking for some advice on how to handle a partner with severe ADHD and RSD. 
My partner has regular occasions when he is triggered by something I say which causes his RSD and ADHD to go through the roof. It can be something very normal that I say but sets him off and he gets very angry and ends up stomping off to the bedroom or out of he house for hours at a time. I apologise profusely as I try and help and support him even though in a typical non neuro diverse relationship there would not be a problem. It could be something such as not answering him in a full way or not speaking clearly enough. If a friend or family member said the same thing there would be no problem at all. And often he does the same things to me and I look at the situation and think it feels very hypocritical. I am very sad because it is becoming very regular that he goes off angrily and sends catastrophic messages which are very hurtful and upsetting at times. He always says it's his head that's the problem and not me however it is difficult to cope with and I'm constantly in tears. I want to support him by he can be quite cruel. And if I treated him the same way he would not tolerate it and would go wild. 
I need advice on how to deal with his RSD episodes as they are getting more regular and worse. I see him happy around other people and although other people may say things that would normally trigger something if I'd said it, this makes it harder as I do so much on a daily basis to support him. When he is feeling happy he says we have a wonderful relationship and I am the best person he could ever be with but it doesn't feel like we have the best relationship to me. It feels like I am making him unhappy and I worry that we are not that compatible any more. I've read loads about ADHD and RSD and it all fits with the way he acts but it's very hard to cope with the extreme moods. Any advice would be most welcome as I really don't know how to deal with these situations and although I'm always on high alert to avoid triggering him, it would be a relief at times not to be constantly walking on eggshells around him. I do everything round the house and am his carer really which I don't mind but he says very hurtful things and I feel very undervalued and taken for granted. It feels like the hyper focus of our relationship has gone and I'm not shiny any more. I'm just there to do things for him. 

Hi,

My partner with ADHD has a very long-standing maladaptive habit of lying. Lying to cover up if he didn't follow through, lying to avoid *perceived* conflict, lying if he feels shame about something. It's got to the point where I don't know what's what with him. It may not be ill-intended but the impact has been proud. I feel detached from him, deeply frustrated- trust and honesty and transparency is a huge necessity for me I'm feeling close and emotionally safe. It just seems like when he is anxious or fearful he immediately goes to lying without pausing and thinking about consequences or other options despite having an ADHD coach and a therapist. I just feel hopeless. It's like- on one hand I have empathy for the ADHD and it's various symptoms- some I have flexibility and understanding around (like him being 5 mins late somewhere etc etc) but this lying- I'm losing steam and momentum in this marriage. We have two kids and I don't want to give up but if I'm honest with myself,!8' quite fed up :( 

Mostly just looking for validation or shared experiences. Thank you for reading.

As a follow-up to what I posted last year about my husband's ADHD... He has since been diagnosed with a few other things, so basically, he has ADHD, MDD, Anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and most recently, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, and Alcoholism. He is going through extensive therapy and is on meds, but our marriage is over. It all came to a head on Christmas night when he drank too much and turned into a monster. He was literally out of his mind and crazed/combative, yelling at me and my sister and brother-in-law in the middle of the night UNPROVOKED. He beat me down verbally for over an hour and a half. There's no calming him down or talking to him when he gets like that - he just doesn't stop until he finally falls asleep. He has been on adderall (ADHD) and 2 anti-depressants (trazadone, primarily for sleep) and another one during the day which I forget the name of right now. Thankfully, he did not take his Trazadone as I am certain it could have killed him along with the alcohol. He was babbling and crazed due to the alcohol and the effects of the other meds.

Anyway, that night was the final straw for me and my family as this was not the first time he has exhibited strange and combative behavior, although in the past it was never this severe. And for the past 3 years he has sabotaged holidays, birthdays, our anniversary celebrations... you name it, with his behavior. The good news is he hasn't had a drop to drink since that evening, so he says. I really want to believe him when he says that, but I have a hard time doing so as he has lied to me for years about his alcohol consumption.

He is doing better I suppose, but it's too late. 20 years of marriage gone... It's a shame it took my leaving for him to get proper treatment for his issues. I hope he learns something through all of this, in that no matter the illness or disorder, you just CANNOT treat your spouse like this and expect to be forgiven and everything gets brushed under the rug. For me it's impossible and I don't see him in the same way anymore - I have been his parent and babysitter/doormat for too long. Mental illness, disorder or not, one should at least accountable for their actions at least somewhat. I hope he succeeds with all of this, but as for me, I am moving on. I need to focus on treating my blood cancer, and getting my life back in order.