Unsure where to start as everything seems like a blur in my head. Although at the crossroads of having to make tough decisions...

Basic background info  - I am 49 and was recently diagnosed with ADHD in March of this year. I am currently on meds but haven't started therapy yet. Wife is younger and diagnosed with GAD. Married 10.5 years, been together for 13 yrs and we are both on our second marriages. 

Marriage has been rocky for several years due to trust being the biggest thing killing it. She stated she can't trust me as i wouldn't follow through with what i would say or had slight addictive tendencies which were hard to quit when i said I would. I get that, I understand she had problems with trust and yah i wasn't the most trustworthy person. I don't blame her for how she felt. She is an extremely smart, strong willed, independent women that I am still attracted to and still want to be with. 

My issues are that I have extremely bad spirals and have created this loop of having a fight, realizing what i did, apologizing and promising I would change only to be triggered again and spiral. As this has gone on for years before i was diagnosed and have had several spirals since being diagnosed - she feels i haven't changed. And maybe i haven't... 

I got laid off from a job of 23 years March 1st, got diagnosed the next day.. My world around me collapsed as of March 1st because I lost a huge support team that I had with my work family. I had a routine, I had a meaning in life, I had purpose... I slowly went downhill to a dark place where I was constantly spiraling and she helped me.. she supported me.. Although with the years of pain behind us, she was already at zero. She had no more to give and I kept taking. 

Fast forward through the storms..to yesterday. We haven't had many days where we don't fight, she hasn't had a weekend where we haven't been in turmoil because of me. So she is resentful and I honestly get it. So yesterday.. we had a fight and my impulsiveness said forget it and I went and applied for an apt. I got approved same day and now it is decision time... She is aware and I told her I have two options I want to present as I don't want a divorce.

I want to fix myself to get back to the person I know I am, who i want to be, happy and able to support her and our marriage.

Plan a - to stay at home.. forget the apt and I want to go see a therapist although I will need her support, so i asked for her to support me. (Not financially but mentally through this.) Mind you she hasn't stopped supporting me.. Even yesterday in the spiral she walked me back into a calm spot and reality.. I don't have a fear she won't support me... but I asked because I didn't want to feel like I expect it. 

Plan b- to move out and I would like to stay married - I want to see a therapist and I would like her support still. She quickly blew this one off as she feels that if i wanted the marriage to work then i would stay in it no matter what.  

So that led to plan c.. move out and divorce. 100% in or 100% out.

Her biggest issue with plan a was that I didn't mention anything about supporting her or what I was going to do for her or for the marriage, i agree.. i didn't. I got talking and I got on one path..and I didn't talk or think of other parts but what I wanted to say. 

At this point I am confused and I don't know what is best... I feel I will be ok but lonely moving out and getting a divorce. I love her and I want to be with her... I feel one of the biggest issues we have is communication. I have a hard time wording how i feel and she takes things based on how they are worded. 

I guess... right now lost in life in 23... 

Thanks in advance for any comments or posts.. I appreciate them all... this was therapeutic alone just typing it although I do value your opinions.. 

Where to begin... I have been with my husband for 2.5 years, we married last year and our first baby is due next month. Last year I started thinking he might have ADHD but he wasn't open to hearing it then this year in Jan I brought it up again and something clicked for him. He read a book about it and looked at some videos and felt like his life was being described. Everything I read on my end feels like it was written for him/us too. No diagnosis yet but I would be shocked if it came out that he's not got ADHD.

I love my husband but all too often I feel worthless and hopeless. His outbursts and frustrations from feeling overwhelmed are always taken out on me (then as soon as someone calls he's happy and laughing... why don't I get that version of him anymore?) I feel resentful of one of his friends in particular who he's been hyper focused on since coming back from our wedding. Always talking about him and wanting to hang out with him and even when I'm not feeling well or stressed for pregnancy stuff, he'll choose this friend and just say 'he needed me'. I went from being the only person he wanted to spend time with when we first met, who he wanted to make sure was okay all the time (and it was such a change for me after some not great partners and so sweet and I remember thinking 'I've never had someone treat me like this before. I could get used to this, I would love a life with someone so caring'), to someone who feels uncared for and ho he never wants to spend time with.

I often feel like I was tricked into marrying him by his ADHD. The hyperfocusing he was doing on me made me feel incredible! And yes, we still had some issues but I was in this 100%.

I have days of hope but then things seem to go south again. We'll be having a normal conversation then suddenly he gets aggressive (with his tone/words).

Today is a day of hopelessness and thinking I'm going to have to give birth alone in a couple of weeks as it's so stressful being in a room with him and never quite knowing how he's going to react. I am so stressed for the future when baby is here too. For a quick run down of reasons:

- still not advanced in diagnosis and getting the help he needs (we're in France and it's not really a thing here - there is a huge lack of understanding and specialists. Everytime I talk to him about making an appointment with someone he gets angry and says I'm putting pressure on him...)

- everything is 'tomorrow' or 'I don't WANT to'. I'm so sick of explaining that sometimes in life there are things that we don't WANT to do, we just HAVE to. And everything's that's for 'tomorrow' is actually for 'never'. What will he be like when baby is here? If he can't even help out with cleaning and doing the dishes because he doesn't 'want' to, what will happen if he doesn't want to change the baby, or give her her dinner or whatever it is

- the excuses! it's always 'sorry, BUT' - and the main excuses are work and being tired. He quit his job after I told him I was pregnant (he changes every few years when he can't deal with it anymore) and set up his own solo company. Many days he doesn't even want to go to work or get back to clients and complains he's tired but does zero to help himself feel better (poor diet, no exercise...)

- he only sees problems, never solutions. And it's so tiring!!! So much negativity.

- he seems to magically think that he'll be a great dad. I wish this were going to be true. But I just don't see how that's possible with how he is now. He's financially irresponsible - I'm always having to bail him out and pay the majority (the word 'budget' is offensive to him). He is not good at organising (so I have to do everything whether it be presents for others for birthdays/Christmas, organising holidays, paperwork, getting everything ready for baby's arrival etc etc. He doesn't keep promises/is forgetful/changes opinions in one sentence. Is very focused on himself and what he wants. His emotions can be volatile - I don't want him to snap at our children ever for no reason! And he criticises a lot/says things in a way that put me down and I don't want our daughter to hear these things or think it's normal/acceptable.

I feel so burnt out sometimes and fear I'm not going to be able to be the mum I want to be if we don't get any specialist help - but no idea where to find it! And my husband just keeps procrastinating and says he's got too much to do and will do it later...

If anyone has got this far, and has some advice then I'm all ears! But please don't tell me to leave him. I'm 35.5 weeks pregnant, have no family of my own in this country (great friends though! But they all have their own families to look after), and I really really want/need this to work. One of the biggest things I have ever wanted to give any children of mine was a happy home with a mother a father (my dad died when I was 6 months, and my mum was emotionally neglectful and extremely selfish), so I want to at least try my hardest to make this work right now.

Any stories of hope out there of families with an ADHD parent and children? Everything I seem to come across is about unhappy children and divorce...

Thank you :)

I used to be on the forum regularly. Much less so now that I'm divorced (at the end of May, I'll be marking 7 years since the marriage ended). Things involving my ex-husband impelled me to return here, and the mention in a few posts of being in the Twilight Zone motivated me to post again.

My ex has ADHD. He abandoned me and our children, first emotionally, then financially, then physically. I know that "abandoned" is a strong word, but I think that other folks with experience in the TZ can handle it. 

The stress in my life has gone down a lot now that I'm divorced. But occasionally I have reason to try to interact or communicate with my ex because of stuff involving our adult children. Here's the current TZ that people without experience with living with a person with ADHD just don't seem to understand: One of our children will be getting a Ph.D. next month, from a university out of state. She gave us a "save the date" three months ago. I bought my plane tickets. I reserved a hotel room. Her sister bought plane tickets.

Her dad (my ex) ghosted us. "Why is ex (Dad) not responding to polite messages asking whether he has bought plane tickets?" Possible reasons, possible reactions: "He's dead." "He's sick." "He didn't pay his cellphone bill and he has no service." "He didn't pay his internet bill and he has no service." "He's depressed." "He forgot." "Why do you care? You're not married anymore." "It's TOO HARD to be an adult and buy plane tickets." "He can't afford it." And so on. 

So, yes, I'm less stressed about my relationship with my ex now that I'm divorced, but also, I remain sad that I tied myself to a person who took and took and gave little to the relationship in return.

Husband won't ever admit that he has it, although he had had virtually all the symptoms since I knew him and apparently before.   However, according to him, everything is MY fault; I am obviously the crazy one, because I am on meds for anxiety and depression; I am the one who has been going to a psychiatrist  for years, and I am the one who had an alcoholic mother and a drug and alcohol addicted criminal brother.  I hear that all the time from him. Yet husband has had all kinds of problems caused by his symptoms, including losses of jobs and promotions.   Right now, at almost midnight, he is just starting to clean up a mess outside before it rains he made working on something hours ago.  Yet he sat here reading for hours before he would go out and clean it up.  Somehow, the fact that he is cleaning it up at midnight is MY fault for having him do the original job, even though he could have put the stuff away when I originally reminded him to do it while he was reading.  Arghhh!  I feel like I want to slap him silly ( but I would never do that).