Hi, I'm new to this forum, so please be gentle. I'm trying to get all this down, so hope it makes sense

I'm a 54 year old male, and have been living with my girlfriend (53yo) for the last 3 years, and been together for the past 4 years.

We met on match.com. I can say that I had the feeling she had already fallen for me before we even met, just from our chatting on match.com, as I'd tried to cancel the date as I knew she was taller than me (superficial I know). She insisted we meet still. On our first date, she was incredibly attentive, and it felt very full on. She touched my face after 10 minutes of meeting, and asked me if I wanted to f*** her after about an hour. This question was totally out of the blue, as we'd just met and were having a normal conversation (smalltalk). We saw each other virtually ever day after the first date and it seemed to progress at an alarming speed. The sex was amazing, and she made me feel like a king. I was totally blown away. This lasted for around 6 months.

She could never sit still, she wouldn't watch TV and was always on the go. She was very excitable, to which I fell in love with.

The relationship was superb for around 3 or 4 weeks, (we were living separately at the time) which is when she had her first "incident", which seemed minor, and aimed at her son (21 years old at the time), not me. He had sucked up damp wallpaper into "henry" vacuum, which had gone smelly. She went ballistic at this, in front of me, and made her son go out and buy a new vacuum cleaner.  After this had calmed down, everything was fine for a couple of weeks..

Next "incident" she was chatting about her wages, to which I'd commented that her wages were pretty good. She went ballistic again for no apparent reason, shouting at me and saying "you're taking the pi55". I walked out of her house at this as I couldn't believe how she had reacted. She followed me and shouted for me to come back, to which I did.

These "incidents" carried on every couple of weeks, which would send me down. It would take me a few days to bounce back to my normal happy self. Seemed to be a roller coaster of ups and downs. The arguments were horrendous, and I felt like she'd twisted and manipulated things I said in general conversation just to cause chaos. I walked away from her many times as I'm not good at arguing. 

She moved in with me at the start of covid lockdown (2020). Her son was still living in her house at the time, and I feel he was glad to see her go. This roller coaster of a relationship gradually got worse and worse with her control, jealousy, anger outbursts and gaslighting for seemingly irrelevant things. It felt like the reaction outweighed the cause of every "incident". She is very possessive over her belongings, and I felt like I was one of those "belongings" too. She would "expect" me to pay for everything including holidays etc but there would always be some sort of "tantrum" where her anger would come out, especially if she got overwhelmed.

When we met, I knew there was something different about her, and I think this is what attracted me to her. She would admit she was different, and used to say "I'm a nightmare, you won't be able to handle me". I brushed this off at the time. She'd told me her ex husband used to beat her up, to which I later found out later was a lie. She'd also told me she'd failed all her exams at school but passed her math and English in her 20s, to which I later found out she'd got a friend to take the exam for her. Last year she did an online degree for dyslexia and behavioral problems. She's asked me to read through her work before she handed it in. The content, grammar and punctuation were awful, and I virtually re-wrote the whole dissertation. She is working as a teaching assistant, but she'd come home many times asking me questions about the subjects she'd been "teaching" at school. I tried to help her as much as possible, but the answerers never seemed to "go in".

Throughout the relationship, I had the feeling she had ADHD, but she's always deny this, but she would say she feels she's different, and thinks different to other people. She was very controlling, she couldn't stand it if plans changed, she gaslit me (downplaying things she'd said in anger), very jealous, and would throw a tantrum if things were not done as she wanted. The sex died out totally around 6 months ago, partly down to me as I no longer felt any connection to her as she'd verbally attacked me so many times, and partly down to her as she was always on her phone (stalking my ex girlfriends on facebook etc) I had no interest in any of my exes, but she knew exactly what they were up to.

2 weeks prior to us splitting, we'd seen a counselor, who'd confirmed to my partner and myself that I was in an abusive relationship. I was surprised at her saying this. She'd also said she could see no hope to the relationship.

6 weeks ago, we had a massive final row again, over her control and constant lying, since the split it has left me feeling bewildered and confused, and wondering if I am a narcissist and could have done more to save the relationship. The breakup was really messy, and she was furious (not sad). She'd called her parents, to which I though she was going to live. I later found out that her father had refused to have her at his house (he has the space), as he said her antics would give her father and mother heart attacks. She moved in with her sister, to which she lasted 2 days, and they'd had a massive row and she moved out.

Since us splitting up, she's followed me on strava (athletics app), blocked me on strava, then unblocked me on strava. Blocked me on all social media, whattsapp etc. 

I feel that although things were so volatile between us, we did so much together, and can't help but miss her. Completely stupid of me, I know

Reason for writing all this is if anyone can shed some light to what I've been through, I would really appreciate it. I still feel I love her, but don't (if that makes sense). Are ADHD and narcissistic tendencies connected? I have the inability to move on at the moment. Every one seems "flat" in comparison.   

The subject of abuse has come up repeatedly on the forum lately.

I am taught to draw a sharp line at physical violence. That is unacceptable.

The thing is, about other ways of causing pain, I'm not certain how to differ abuse from non-abuse. For instance, a non-ADHD partner keeping a cautious distance, letting distaste show, not being in love, seems to be devastating to the partner's self-esteem and even health. Voicing needs, with increasing tone of voice over time when needs are never met, causes conflict and deep-felt chronic stress in the ADHD partner. Is that abuse?

The ADHD partner on the other hand, acting out disorganization, inattentiveness and rejection sensitivity dysphoria subjects the partner to severe chronic stress too. Is that abuse?

If one partner dominates the other by aggression I feel that is very disturbing. That I would classify as abuse. One partner would need protection. But in relationships where there is more of equal power but ADHD symptoms cause extreme levels of distress? Are spin-off reactions to that stress abusive? 

I know from childhood and from my professional life that we're all capable of rather uncivilized behavior. The nicest person can act ugly in extreme emotional distress. How hurtful something is doesn't necessarily depend on how socially unacceptable it is. So disrespectful speaking? Yelling? Throwing things? Is that the real problem? Is it abuse?

I'm not sure of this and I'd like to hear your thoughts.

As I write this I'm yet again in a scenario that has been the most common theme and reoccurring argument my husband and I have had for years. Just a quick side note, we both were diagnosed with ADHD as adults, about 2 years apart, and after being married for around 5 years. The argument is he will suggest spending some quality time together after our kids go to bed and that typically means watching a show we like together or being intimate. The point in the evening where we have adult time will roll around and either he or I will be too tired because it is late and instead of him getting stuff he needed to/wanted to get done before our quality time together, he's lost track of time in his reading or some show he was watching or scrolling on his phone. I will have been getting things I needed to get done before our adult time in anticipation we were going to get to spend time together and when the time rolls around I feel like I've now had this expectation not met and feel rejected and then I get mad bc it feels like I'm not important enough to him when I made sure to get my stuff done around the house so that I could be present for him and now when I bring it up I feel like I'm guilting him into spending time with me and he sees me disappointed and frustrated which makes him feel bad but then he gets defensive and in turn becomes mad at me for being disappointed he didn't follow through with plans HE asked for or suggested! That makes me even more angry and I tell him that's some messed up manipulation tactic to not take accountability and at that point it becomes a full blown argument and then he will just start agreeing with me or he will say,"yes, I do want to spend time together and when I said I wanted to make those plans I meant it but I just got tired and now you're mad at me, again that I am too tired." It also feels like he's being super selfish because he knew the expectation/plan he made that was set and agreed upon and he made enough time to do what he wanted to beforehand and now he doesn't have any desire or energy for me. I know all issues with ADHD and prioritizing time because I fall victim to that myself or saying I'm going to do something and forgetting but he knows this particular issue of doing that in this situation with me makes me feel as I've brought it up over and over but he keeps doing it. Which just feels like I get my hopes up just to be disappointed and it feels like only his time and needs are priorities and not mine at all. He's even brought it up when suggested spending time together and I've said you know how this makes me feel when it all falls apart, not due to uncontrollable circumstances or something and he makes all the promises in that moment it won't happen again and I of course believe him and then get told I'm being dramatic or too needy when the cycle happens again. I feel like my expectations are the bare minimum, if you say you're going to do something do it, if not then communicate something has changed but to make the change of not wanting to spend time together bc you rather continue doing your own thing just feels selfish. I just feel like not getting upset and telling myself, "it's not personal, he wants to make you feel like a priority but his ADHD caused him to lose track of time and he's going to feel guilty knowing he disappointed you again" that's been an excuse I've been telling myself for too long. I know how bad it feels to not follow through with something and disappointing myself or others so knowing he experiences those same feelings with this situation will sometimes make me just ignore it and let it go and keep my disappointment to myself but that also leads to me doing that too many times and then I finally blow up. I'm so tired of this feeling let down and like I'm excusing hurtful behavior. I don't know how much more I can communicate that and it seem to fall on deaf ears because nothing changes. I can't lower my expectations anymore than the bare minimum they already are at which just makes me mad to even type that. I'm asking for breadcrumbs of quality time together. Don't even get me started on the mental stress this causes for me when the quality time is suppose to involve physical intimacy...that becomes an additional layer to bringing up insecurities too. Is it just accept this is an ADHD symptom or don't accept it? That feels defeating if so. 

Hi. I (30M, diagnosed ADHD) and my girlfriend (36F) have had multiple arguments over this and I want to see if I’m being unreasonable. For background, my girlfriend and I have very different "social battery" levels, with her almost constantly having plans and me wanting a lot of alone time. We frequently butt heads regarding this and I usually end up having to go to every event unless I'm ill (which does happen frequently - I also get migraines once or twice a week).

For the past month, I’ve had very little alone time due to a combination of multiple trips and work. I flew to visit my sister and infant nephew for a week, came back, and then a few days later my girlfriend and I left on a two week trip that my girlfriend planned to visit her relatives across the country as well as a week exploring a rural area. When we came back, I had to work for several days, and then on the Saturday after returning we had to drive to her parents house to pick up our dogs (which they were very kindly watching during our trip), which took up the whole day.

On the Sunday, I wanted to have basically a day off from doing anything, because I haven’t been able to for several weeks now, however my girlfriend had RSVPed to two separate pool parties for two of her friend’s children that would take up all day. When Sunday morning came, I was extremely irritable and snapped at my girlfriend about something petty. We had a huge argument and ended up both being upset for the first party. When we got home, I basically went into a full shutdown mode and cried for the entire time before we had to leave for the next party.

A few days ago we argued about this again and I told her that 1. I need some days to myself to recharge, more than most other people do and 2. it’s unfair that I don’t even get a choice whether to go to events like this with her friends or not. I told her that I want to be able to compromise on going to these events, because sometimes I do just need a break. She told me that I don’t get a choice for these events because it’s important to her that she and I get to spend time with her friends. She also reminded me that her ex never went to these events with her, and that she was not willing to be in another relationship like that. At this point, I exploded (which I admit is wrong). I told her that I haven’t been able to see my friends for an entire year at this point because we always have something scheduled every single day off and that the friend group we were seeing that day barely even treat me like a person when I’m near them. She gave me the silent treatment afterwards and I apologized the next day. She agreed that that weekend we wouldn’t schedule anything and I’d finally have a day off. I agreed, but then on Saturday she demanded we have a date night and on Sunday she wouldn’t leave me alone all day and complained when I kept moving to another room. She also got upset when I went to my PC to play games with my family.

To be honest, I’m reaching my wits end with this. I’m now running on 5+ weeks without a single day to myself and am at my breaking point. Any insight from those who've dealt with similar in the past would be super helpful, from both sides.