Hi all, this is my first time posting anything like this and I'm looking for some advice. As of recently the world as I know it has been turned upside down. In hindsight many of these things have been brewing for a while but it just seemed so sudden. I'm 40 travel during the week for work. We do well enough for my wife to stay home kids, dogs etc. We just purchased a camper as I've been dispatched to a job in an area that would be nice for that sort of thing and that way we can all be together after work. Upon trying to sort out some household things as we would have to figure out some arrangements for her hobby farm animals it seemed too much. That spiraled into her wanting to go back to Florida which is something we have talked about and both agreed on but things need to be done in order to leave. Ie repairs around house prior to listing among other things.  Short story is we went from being together this summer to she wants to take kids to Florida and live there. Throughout our conversations I had asked where I fit into this and she says she's not sure. Her doctor has pulled her off meds several months ago and her counselor seems to be telling her that this is something she needs to do to make herself happy. She's brought up divorce but more so in a way of she doesn't feel it's fair to hold me hostage and can't seem to make her mind up on that. We are great friends, rarely have ever argued, and really get along well in general. Like I had said in hindsight our relationship has deteriorated throughout the years but more so in a drifting apart manner more than anything. But over the last few weeks it has really gone downhill. I know I'm leaving a lot out but I don't want to be too long winded. I asked her if she would be willing to try couples therapy and she agreed so I guess maybe there's hope. I'm just hoping someone has some advice or words of wisdom from being in a similar situation. I deeply love my wife and want to save our marriage I just don't know what to do anymore. 

My husband has asked me to make a list of how he SHOULD respond because he doesn't read my cues, wording, or responses well. I've felt like he has completely disregarded my feelings and opinions for years because he would usually do what he wanted even after he asked me what i wanted to do, then therewould be a big fight and he would say he didn't think it was that big of a deal to me. Since figuring out he has ADHD, I have become much more assertive and emphatic when I don’t want to do something so as not to give him the idea that I could be convinced or that I was undecided (a polite "no" from me was never a full stop, more a beginning point for persuasion or argument for him, causing me to to feel like I am not taken seriously or allowed to have my own opinions about things). Now he is constantly accusing me of being angry or being mean, and defensively telling me to calm down. I'm not angry, mean, or riled up. I am simply being emphatic so there is no "mistake" about my thoughts or feelings. He says he need me to write down what I really mean and how he should interpret it or understand what I'm saying. I don't want to.  I have been very specific for years and he just blew me off.  After dealing with his behaviors with no diagnosis for all these years and getting nothing but pushback when I tried to communicate with him or stand up for myself, I don't think it's my job to write him an operator's manual for dealing with me. I have encouraged him to go to therapy or get coaching since he is completely opposed to meds. He wants to do couple's therapy. I begged him to go for years and he refused, and now I am no longer in a place where I have any desire to do so until he starts taking some ownership of his ADHD and managing it himself because I have done all the reading and research and I feel like he's only gone along with it and done NOTHING himself besides listen to sermons on how to be a good husband. That's great and all, but the problem is bigger than selfishness and character defects. Anyway, am I just being unreasonable or am I correct in thinking this is just another way I'm having to do the work and he isn't making a serious effort?

Hi all, I really feel like I need to let some things out and try to get some perspective on what's happening.

My issues have brought my relationship to a crossroads. I have struggled with some issues for years, some are a carry over from my childhood and others seemed to be from more environmental factors, stresses at that current time, work, money issues, just 'life stuff'.

I have always had a temper of sorts, I would blow up on occasion at seemingly nothing which was always odd as I felt and seemed to my partner to be pretty chill most of the time. My mother did the same thing but on a more regular basis so after some discussions and some failed anger management classes my wife and I seemed to have this big 'ah ha!' moment where we looked more at my past and how I could be affected by it; this is when we looked into cptsd.

Fast forward to around 5 years ago and things weren't any different, I had tried to sort things using techniques I had learned for cptsd and anger issues but I seemed to keep sliding I to the same old issues, the same repetitive actions and routines and time would pass without me realising that I hadn't been doing as much as I should have.

My wife by this point was understandably upset, it had been years of this and it needed to change. I began to look at myself a lot more, to focus inward and really work on myself. Through doing this I feel I was able to connect to a part of myself I hadn't ever done before, I felt things that had been shut away for years and it slowly began to unravel. I muddled through as best I could, trying to tame these now unchecked feelings and my wife, again understandably, was suffering and I hated that. It drove a lot of the feelings about the situation inwards at myself and I began to really spiral into deep shame and self loathing.

After a joking conversation about me always tapping and being forgetful my wife joked that I should do an adhd test, so I did. This was the beginning of a huge realisation.
After doing the test and it pinging up telling me I was highly likely to have adhd I began to dive into researching it and wow, it was like I was reading about myself. It explained everything. Everything about myself and my actions that never fully made sense, that always just seemed like quirks, it was adhd.

That brings us to today. I have spoken to my GP about seeking a diagnosis and have been told that it could take anywhere from 6 months to 2 years to begin the process properly, I have filled out a form and now it's in their hands to refer me further. I have been looking into what therapy options are available to me but as I am currently out of work I am limited to what I can afford. We have savings but I have been worried about using those as they are our lifeline for food and housing costs.
I have struggled lately with the stress of the situation and several other things that have been going on and it has affected my ability to keep ontop of my easily fluctuating moods and emotions, I'm not excusing myself, I know I am fully accountable for my actions I just also know that external factors can make it harder.

When issues crop up my wife likes to talk about them right away, which I like as things can get resolved quickly, but today she has told me that she has had enough. A few things have happened today and I went into a shame spiral which completely overrode her feelings on what had happened. There have been lots of tears, lots of talks and she told me she wants to separate for a while. I feel broken, I know she has been through so much and I've really wanted to make it better for her. I knew this could happen but now we are here I just feel hopeless, she has told me that she thinks she doesn't even like me anymore and I just feel numb. I know I have a massive problem, i hate my broken brain, I hate that I have done this to her and to us and I want to fix myself so badly but I don't know if I can be 'fixed' to be who she needs me to be and that cuts deep and I feel lost.
I know I should have done more sooner but I didn't realise it was the adhd holding me back and making me not stick to things or to follow through on getting help.

Hello Everyone,

I have been looking for you for almost 9 years.

Let me introduce myself and explain. I am the non-ADHD Husband of an ADHD wife.I didn't realise this was the case until a few years back, and I didnt realise that this was one of our main issues until the last few weeks.

Let me preface this by saying I am no saint, neither am I a victim. I have my own deficiencies which I need to work on, and I am blessed to have a lovely wife and 3 children (one of them also most likely ADHD).

However, there is a constant cycle in our relationship of; mess, arguments, cleaning, more mess, more cleaners, more mess.... and it goes on....
I am not a neat freak, but I like things tidied and organised, my wife just doesnt live in this space at all. There is so much mess and disorganisation everywhere. I have a network of support I reach out to for help, but until I found this website, I just never believd there would be any practical solutions.

Apart from mess, there is also the issue with 'planning'. I would like to plan for things in advance e.g. days out with the kids, holiday, when will we clean something. My wife does not live in this space at all. She won't (read can't) plan in this way at all.

This overlaps into other areas also; money, a parent-child dynamic, impulsivity. One example; She is not organised enough to do the washing, so she spends more money on buying outfits for the children when we go out somewhere fancy with wider family.

Recently I just became so exasperated by it all. I have been working 4 jobs (she doesn't work, never held down a job), and doing the vast majority of the housework also. Cooking, cleaning, washing, putting clothes away, shopping etc. 

I just came to the conclusion that the situation is not tenable like this. Not for me, and not for the family.

Likely, if she was here, she would mention my own faults (most correctly) and also add that she does do many things for the kids (Drs Appointments, Swimming lessons, Tutors etc.), I don't disagree with any of that - but it doesn't help me with my workload (house load).

In good news, she is willing to meet with a psychiatrist and look into options of medication. At an enormous cost (but worth it - hopefully), this will happen in two weeks time.

This is my first time telling this to anyone other than the few people close to our family who know.

I welcome your thoughts and comments.

I do have some specific questions also;

1. We are going on a 4 week family holiday this summer. As normal I want to make an itenerary as without structure it all falls apart. She finds the whole thing so stressful and keeps telling me we need to be flexible. Often I end up making it myself and she will come out with us most days but other days just stay in bed. Is there a better way of going about this and what are fair expectations of her?

2. Am I enabling her by taking care of the household so much? (At times I feel like a single Dad with 4 children, just running after them cleaning up mess)

3. How do I get out of the Parent Child dynamic and see the person behind the ADHD who I was so in love with?

4. I hate our room it is so messy, tried everything. Whenever she gets dressed, its like a bomb hit the place. Her cupboard and draws are all messy and it just spills everywhere. Any help with this?

(I have bought a copy of the book)

Thank you in advance,

A Non-ADHD Husband