I am new to this blog. I am a 29yo F who has ADD on medications. My partner and I have know each other for ten years and have been married for 3. I have come to realize that my partner has severe undiagnosed adhd. I thought I was disorganized and spacey until I began living with him. When we dated I did pick up red flags, messy apartment, survived on take-out and dependent on his mom for many chores. Of course love is blind and I figured that he would grow out of these bad habits. Wrong. Things honestly started right after moving in together. We did not live together before marriage. We moved shortly after marriage two hours away from friends and family. I started graduate school full time. He started a new job. The biggest glaring issue is the lack of balance between household tasks. As a full time student, I feel constantly overwhelmed. He works from home but frankly gets nothing done all day. He has had 4 different jobs since starting marriage 3 years ago. When he gets a new job, two weeks later he's looking for another. It's like he can't be content to work. His effort at work deteriorates once he loses interest. He is a complete phone zombie. Spends hours on his phone mindlessly scrolling. I feel like a mean and different person now. I feel like a parent. He can't manage his health/appts, he refuses to cook or do any household chores. He will leave the dogs piss on the floor for me to clean and uses weaponized incompetence on me constantly. When I ask him to do something it never happens I tell him it take 3-5 business days for him to compete washing the dishes which at that point the dishes have piled up. I feel extremely anxious and feel overwhelmed. I realized this week that I have no desire to have children with this man. I know he will be a fun dad but will he care for the kids and do things that are needed that he may not want to do? He has not shown me that he will at all. I am so fed up. I understand he has ADHD but am unsure how to break it to him. I've become the bad guy I've said things to him that are terrible. I tell him I am a doctor I cannot manage the entirety of your life and the household and be a doctor at the same time. He tells me I'm not a good wife. My anxiety is worse than it's ever been. I'm laying in bed right now just thinking of the sink of dishes, the unwashed dog and the leaves him and his friends tracked in last night after I vacuumed. These thoughts of all the "undone" tasks only seem to enter my mind not his. If anything is to get done it's because I am "nagging" him to do so. I am honestly at the end of my rope and feel that my marriage is in shambles. I don't know how to communicate with him. I feel that he will never change. Also are sex life has suffered greatly. Now realizing that this is not because of something that is my fault. I blamed myself for our lack of sex. I realize now that it's hard to be in the mood when your partner feels more like your child then your husband. I love him but feel like I don't want to keep compromising my happiness and peace to keep things afloat. I want to make things work but feel as if I'm at a crossroads and cannot decide how to communicate how I feel. I have of course talked to him about his lack of contribution to the household. I am usually gaslit. He does not understand why it's a big deal to me. He makes jokes saying that's a women's job. He will tell me I'm a good wife when I cook a meal. My value as a wife is not dependent on how much I cater to his needs for mothering. We are new to marriage but I realize now his behavior is not normal. Being ADD myself does not help. Any advice is appreciated. 

Hello all! My husband and I have been married for 10 years, 2 young kids. He has ADHD. Refuses medication (says it makes him "really mean"), but does do hard work with a therapist. Some aspects of his functioning have greatly improved, but his contribution to our household is often times minimal and oftentimes a lot of drama, stress and chaos.

I'm having trouble protecting myself from those aspects that he brings to our family dynamic without at the same time being closed off to him emotionally. I cannot count on him for really anything and have had to take over most household/child tasks. Nothing he says he'll do gets done and he'll get upset if I remind him. For instance, he'll promise up and down to do something in the evening and then it'll inevitably get left to the next day. I've explained how this just puts more responsibility on me the next day (meaning then I do all the regular tasks while he finally completes the one), but it falls on deaf ears.

While I understand a lot of this is the ADHD, sometimes it feels like part of it is poor character. Maybe that's unfair? I feel bad for my kids that they don't have an engaged, warm dad. I compare us to the families in our lives and I feel so sad for my kids and myself. He's constantly on devices, but thinks that sitting next to someone while completely ignoring them counts as spending time together.

I don't know how to shield myself from his behavior and the resentment and stress it causes in me without disengaging too much.

He blew up at me today and was really mean, again. I'm tired of always being the one to extend an olive branch despite being yelled and cussed at and I just feel so overwhelmed. It flabbergasts me, but I feel like he's going to leave me. I want our family to stay intact, but I am starting to feel so burnt out

I found this post on Quora.com and wanted to share on this forum.

Q.  What is the symptom of ADHD that you feel like isn't talked about enough?

Emotional dysregulation.
This is thought of as - temper tantrums, slamming doors, weeping uncontrollably, etc. It’s not - though it may present like that in some. For many of us it seems to be an inability to control the inner emotional landscape, which contorts itself to a set of rules that make no sense, or that bear any relation to what’s actually happening in the real world. So, it can be a really good day - friends, nice weather, nothing squatting on the horizon like a storm cloud, no worries, and inwardly I’m on a switchback ride from total existential despair through to skipping from cloud to cloud in soaring ecstasy, without any warning or control. This inner chaos ruins almost everything. I can crash into “take me outside and shoot me” levels of misery in a heartbeat. Or vise versa. Horrible day, rainy, cold, arguing at home, nothing to look forward to and then suddenly I’m walking on sunshine.
The regulation system is broken. The “select appropriate emotional response” system is mislabeled.
Also - feel everything with intensity. I don’t dislike I loathe. I don’t like I adore. I’m not curious I‘m blazing with interest and enthusiasm. I’m not disinterested I’m pierced by a savage kind of boredom that cannot be stilled, placated or distracted. The music I like is “everyone must stop and listen to this” levels of awesome. Ditto books, films, food, speakers, etc.
A years worth of emotion, every day.

And, as a result, relationships are tiring. Music is tiring. Fictional TV makes me angry - I seriously hate the manipulation involved, for nothing, just a made up story. Most tales of sorrow and struggle from other people shut me down. (If it’s something I can relate to then I’m a channel for compassion and love.) Poetry is amazing or so bad it should be burned. There are few things that occupy the middle ground. I love some things and loathe others. I rarely have indifferent feelings.
Social events are very tiring because the switchback ride increases in intensity. Few real connections are made with others, this is sad and very frustrating because idle talk, chat for the sake of making a noise - these things are anathema. I want to talk about plasma cosmology and religion and history and politics and philosophy and other real things which matter, and not (ever) ball sports, cars, anything to do with celebrities, whatever spurious nonsense the TV is serving up that day, what was on TV last night, etc.

The phrase Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is used in ADHD circles. Defined, broadly, as, “any hint or suggestion that someone is withdrawing their love and/or approval is devastating in impact, with sufferers frequently talking about how it has a physical pain as part of it. Like being stabbed through the chest.” This is one of the harder aspects of ADHD and it’s very real, very powerful and widely misunderstood. It means all relationships are a constant minefield. All. We perceive emotions, facial expressions and tones of voice way more closely and deeply than others. If an expression of annoyance, irritation, dislike, weariness, etc, passes across your face, or voice, upon seeing me, no matter how well you managed to hide it, no matter how quickly it passed across your face, I will see it and notice it. Most people do NOT like these things pointed out to them, leaving me with knowing that your real feelings towards me are negative yet forced to deal with your dishonest pretence to the contrary.

New to this site and forum and having a particularly hard day.  My husband was diagnosed with ADHD 15 months ago at age 39 after years of dealing with anxiety and depression and not being correctly diagnosed with the underlying ADHD he's had his whole life.  He is now on medication, going to start working with an ADHD executive skills coach, and we are seeing a couples therapist who specializes in ADHD but the rollercoaster of this ride has felt unbearable at times and is making me question whether or not I can stay in this marriage.  I'm worried so much damage has been done over the past 9 years before his diagnosis that we can't climb out of it.  We have a young son and I am currently pregnant.  I am the over functioner/planner/captain of the family.  If I get sick or need rest, which has happened a lot in this pregnancy, not only does everything seem to fall apart but my husband is also resentful and, quite frankly, rude to me when I'm ill instead of being a caretaker.  It's like he just gets so overwhelmed he can't handle it, shorts out, and I end up having to either A) call him out on it after I wind up being so exhausted I'm in tears or B) I just have to take care of myself when I'm falling apart and don't have any juice left but I do it anyways.  I am the one who has to clean up all the messes, carry the mental load, and be the primary parent while trying to pursue my own career (which has certainly suffered as a result of having to pick up the pieces of messes my husband has made including some major financial indiscretions of his).  I struggle with trusting that things will improve or that he will ever have the skills to be the kind of partner I want.  I can tell he's trying so hard and there are so many things about our lives that are better now that A) he's been diagnosed and B) that he's started medication.  But it just seems like we're in this constant cycle of making headway a few inches but then immediately getting slammed back several feet - it never feels like we're in a place where we can hum along and enjoy our lives for long stretches of time.  It always feels so hard and like if one thing maybe works for a few days something else inevitably goes wrong and it's a dumpster fire; it feels like other couples who don't deal with ADHD have easier lives.  I don't feel like I can ever trust that the changes or good times will last.  How do you know it's worth holding on and how do you know that things will get to a place of being more manageable?  I feel like I'm drowning all the time, not getting what I want out of the marriage, and that I'm constantly being asked to be patient as he learns how to manage this.  But when do I get to feel like things are joyful and enjoyable and that I have an actual partner who feels like a partner instead of another child or a weight constantly dragging me down?  It feels like I've lost the ability to see what I like in my husband or, even when I do, something ends up wiping it out it when he inevitably drops the ball.  He is a good man with a good heart, an excellent father and I can see how there's a world where we could be so happy together.  But when do you know that it's never going to be like that and you're just fooling yourself into staying in a miserable cycle?  I truly don't know anymore.  Am I asking for too much?  Am I expecting too much?  Do I just have a fantasy of being with someone who doesn't really exist and if I stay or if I go I'll just be disappointed either way?