I am being referred for an adult assessment. My youngest daughter is also waiting for assessment. I have been reading The ADHD Effect on Marriage. I can see a lot of things that have contributed to a lot of the issues in our relationship and also other relationships of mine. 

She does get frustrated and has got angry in the past with my poor organisation, impulsiveness, interruptions, high energy, carelessness, lack of focus, forgetfulness etc. She is really good at researching our daughter's ADHD and putting things in place to help her. She has family (brother, niece, possibly father) who also have ADHD.  

I try and help out around the house. I do the food shopping, most of the cooking, pay bills, balance finances etc. I try and do stuff around the house but I am not great at DIY. She does do more in terms of the laundry, organising things for the kids and the general mental load.

Coming out of COVID lockdowns I was suffering from quite severe anxiety and depression. This was also putting strain on our marriage and family relationships. We got couples counselling which did help. We stopped that over a year ago as we felt we were in a better place. One conclusion of this was to get further help from another specialist on intimacy and sex. This has never happened and I have stopped asking. One other thing that came from that period was I moved to the spare room which is still the case unless we have guests. It makes me feel like a bit of a lodger in my own home. I often feel really alone. 

In addition to the couples counselling I did have two lots of online CBT and my wife is still in therapy from that time also to address things that predate our relationship. I have restarted CBT with another therapist and this is face to face.

My principle love language is physical touch and my wifes is acts of service. I find the physical separation very hard in terms of sleeping arrangements. When we do sleep in the same bed if we have guests or go on holiday there are often a lot of comments about how she does not like sharing a bed due to the disruption of sleep etc. Sexual intimacy has been non-existent the last year and was minimal the year before. She will visibility cringe, flinch, eye roll or sometimes get angry when I try to give her a kiss, hug, hold hand etc. She stopped saying I love you back over 2 years ago. 

Her current mindset is she wants to co-parent and co-habit and does not want anything else. She says we have no connection and we do not share the same values. This really triggers me emotionally and I get really upset as I have a fear of abandonment. I am working on my self esteem and confidence but this also feeds into that. She has been my only serious romantic relationship, I love her so much, she means the world to me and I would do anything for her. I have always been faithful. I cannot imagine life without her as my partner. 

The time we spend together without the children is very limited. She often spends a lot of time with friends at the weekend or we are running the children around. Evenings she will go to exercise classes or we are taking the kids to their activities. We try and have coffee in the mornings in ‘her’ room but that is often interrupted. She will often be on her phone during this time. We sometimes watch TV together in the evening but I feel I have to nag her to do this and I feel like I have to nag to do things like go on a date, get a coffee, see my friends or family. I am starting to feel quite resentful about this as she says there is no connection but I feel like I have been pushed away over the past 2 years. 

The relationship status came up this morning. I have been asking her to read the Orlov book and have it on a Kindle I left in her office. We got into a discussion about it and she made a few comments such as - well you never read anything I send you, it won’t change anything, why don’t you read it and tell me what you get from it. I think it is something that both couples should read and would get something from but her comments and attitude just make me think she has completely checked out and has made the final decision.

I am not sure what to do. I am not sure if I am just punishing myself for staying in this relationship. 

I know some things won't make sense in my speech, as I myself don't understand it all. Many people around me can't understand me either and it's very confusing as it gets to a point where people give advice based on what they see but having ADHD I end up hiding many feelings even from myself and that's all very confusing... What are feelings, emotions, love, passion, rational decisions, faith, and the importance of marriage? And even if we get to distinguish all this at some point in time, are we supposed to be capable of summing it all and be fine with this logical decision even if sometimes they contradict themselves?

We started dating 6 years ago and married 3 years ago, young but in love.

I have had several relationships before and understand in me a pattern of self-sacrifice because I valued marriage, but didn't understand the importance of valuing my own interests. She always wanted us to do things she liked and being with her seemed more and more like an obligation than fun, and maybe because of that or the lack of a challenge or goal in our relationship, I just lost joy in being with my wife. She started to ask what could she do so I liked her more but I always said something regarding one of the first things that got into my mind, knowing that it would just make me endure the marriage easily but not make me like her more. Divorce crossed my mind but I valued marriage a lot so even going through depression, I kept trying hard to make my wife happy as I could, even if sometimes it didn't show.

Time went on and I started to understand that I was addicted to the challenge of making women interested in me, even during marriage. I also had big issues regarding sexual addictions, and we were having a hard time getting to understand all these issues and what to do. I had no idea I had ADHD and ended up finding it because of this situation, as I looked for a therapist regarding these other issues.
I had never before crossed the line of physically engaging with some other woman but then we started having issues in our sexual life (I had much more sex drive but also wanted to feel she was interested) and I ended up cheating on her. It was a thought decision at some point. I had an affair, hiding it from everyone, and it's my biggest regret in my life. But this changed my perspective.

I ruined my marriage but also the value it had for me, and at the moment, I don't feel anything for my wife, but the question in my mind is: being ADHD, my interest will probably faint with another woman as it fainted with my wife, so what is the point of trying to get out just to repeat the story again?
As bad as it sounds, the worst part of it is that my wife forgave me and is willing to keep trying. She's still in love and values our matrimony. I don't want to be in a loop but also can't find strong enough reasons to keep my decision strong and end up losing focus and find myself wanting the divorce but then again, if I'm not able to learn to keep this marriage together when I have a wife that's willing to hold it and wants to learn and change, why would I be able to do it differently with someone else?

I still don't know much about how ADHD is affecting me but I know it makes a huge difference just by having me go around seeking dopamine like a drug and I don't feel able to produce it with almost anything in my life in a while.

Hi All,

I am posting my story in hope that someone may be able to provide some guidance and words of wisdom?

My wife has recently been diagnosed by a psychologist with ADHD.

Together: 16 years (Married 11 years)

Children x 2 under 6

Announced Jan 2022 that she was done with the relationship

Brief History

In Oct 2022 my wife also told me she thought she has ADHD which I initially reacted poorly to and said we could fix things.  Once she told me how angry this made her. I threw myself into helping her and reading everything I could and I came to agree with her.  She has since seen a Psychologist who after consultation, stated that in her clinical opinion it is highly likely my wife has ADHD.

Relationship issues

• Our difficulties got worse after our first child in 2017.  It was a very stressful pregnancy and my wife had many complications with a risk of fatality due to bleeding out.  I was lucky enough to attend every appointment as I was so worried.
• My wife began to withdraw from that point, albeit slowly.  She also expressed at points she felt she was struggling to bond with our children.
• We appear to have a very codependent relationship (I certainly feel I have become codependent) which I believe I have enabled over the years with me being the main cook, cleaner, organiser, planner and the one responsible for finances.  
• Although I have expressed burnout over the years and tried to encourage her getting involved she never did.  This led to me feeling overburdened and at times fostered resentment in me.  
• However since the revelation of ADHD, this fits and I feel bad and guilty about the way I handled things.  Although I have read in ADHD forums, undiagnosed ADHD can play havoc in a marriage and a parent-child dynamic is common.
• I became hyper-organised and frugal to counter the situation, in my mind preparing for a future.  My idea being we could pay off the house and within 5 years and save for our children’s and our future.  My wife disagreed with this as she said she never had anything growing up and so our children would be OK. 
• I am an affectionate person and so my wife withdrawing was difficult and I was always open and honest that it made me feel lonely and unloved and I asked her how I could make sure she felt loved.
• The common theme around this is our communication lines were never open.  I was always happy to talk about alternatives but my wife only expressed disagreement but when asked what she would like instead always replied with “I don’t know.”
• I feel my wife basically completely gave up in October 2022

To date

Trying to find a way forward talking my my W she said she feels we don’t need any professional help and just need to ‘sit down and talk.’  I calmly stated that ‘i feel’ that we have always tried to do this in th past and it has never worked and so I feel we need some professional help.  She said she thought couples therapy was helpful to me as she felt "I realized the error of my ways", no reference to any self reflection on her behalf. My wife said she does not want to go to the workshop as she feels I am trying to manipulate her into it. 

She referenced my apology letter and said that I am so controlling and manipulated decisions in our lives over the years.  This breaks my heart as I am very aware of this however in my defense it some extent I have had no choice as my W has never been able to make or contribute to decisions (ADHD consequence?) ans so I had no choice but to pick up the mantle.  However I did not try to defend myself (as I have learned this only makes things worse) and only stated that I acknowledge she feels the outcomes of decisions made her feel controlled I never had any ill intention and always acted in a way I thought was in our families best interests (confusingly she said she tells people what a good man I am and told our therapist I am a good husband and father)

Summary

Although my wife acknowledges her ADHD and takes comfort in the fact it explains many situations in her past, poor grades at school, failing to pay vital bills, lying about attending important appointments etc when it comes to our relationship she has a block and believes whole heartedly that I am the cause of all her unhappiness and relationship issues.  This is despite my W and I going through the following article and agreeing together on all of the points:

https://www.additudemag.com/is-adhd-threatening-your-relationship/

My W does not wish to go on medication yet has not made no attempt at employing or exploring any coping strategies.  I do not believe she has pursued any further IC either.

I still love my wife dearly and my heart aches for her as much I am truly hurt myself.  I feel she is pushing me away on purpose and categorically doesn't want to work on our relationship yet avoids dealing with any problems.  It's like she is living in a bubble.  I fear for our children too and seek some stability for the future.  However at present my W is not willing to consider that she has any accountability or contribution to her current state of unhappiness and our relationship issues.  She says that ‘feelings cannot change.’

I just don't know what to do next.  My wife is not a reader nor will she listen to and self help audiobooks/podcasts nor seek our webinars/seminars.

My W sees the only solution to our currently situation is to break up our family and for us to separate despite not really putting any work in to try to resolve our issues (she has said we have tried everything although has even admitted that sometimes she thinks about things so much she convinces herself she has actually actioned them).

Any guidance is much appreciated as I really do not know what to do next.

I was late diagnosed with ADHD in my early 30s and am still trying to adjust, adapt and improve my life and my self-esteem. This has been extremely challenging with my diagnosis coming after a child and all the maternal worries, guilt and anxieties with that. I have had previous treatment for anxiety. 

However, I thought I would have support from my partner post-diagnosis. I know it isn't an easy journey but (wrongly) thought he would be there helping and supporting. This hasn't been the case. 

I have discovered recently that he has been making false claims to people about the extent of my diagnosis and how bad it is. He is leading people to believe that I am a bad mother, that I do nothing around the house and that I am not trying or willing to do anything. He has had the audacity to claim he is my carer! This is so far removed from the truth that it makes me so angry and  wonder who he is. 

He works from home and gets our child ready for nursery in the morning so I can get ready as we leave the house at 0700. I pick our child up in the afternoons unless I have a late work event (this do not happen often.) As he works from home, he makes the meals during the week. Yet, I plan the meals and do the food shopping. When I ask for help, he responds, "the usual" or "whatever you want" rather than suggestions. I also unpack and put away the shopping. I do the cooking at the weekends.

Added to this, I couldn't tell you the last time he hoovered, cleaned the bathroom, changed the beds, dusted or any other domestic chore. We both work full time. When I have brought it up before, he tells me that I just need to ask him or he just lists all the jobs he does. 

I have sole responsibility for our child's reward chart, I do the majority of educational activities, crafting and baking with our child, and it is myself who comes up with holiday/weekend activity ideas. I spend most of early evening chatting with our child as he sits on his phone and, once our child is in bed, I initiate the vast majority of our conversations. He doesn't ask me how my day was or anything. I have to tell him. My phone use is an issue, however. 

Since learning about my diagnosis, he hasn't done any reading up about it or looking at things we could change to help support us not just me. I have softly suggested me reducing my working hours or changing job (it is very emotionally draining and demanding on executive functions) but he baulked at the idea as we "couldn't give our child the life we want." He just seems to think I should "be better" and I'm being lazy not doing it or not yet fixed. I am the problem. Everything that isn't great in our lives is down to me. Maybe I am? 

I get that living with an ADHD partner can be hugely demanding and tiresome. It is the same for the ADHDer! I guess I just thought that the man I love(d) would try to help me more instead of withdrawing, making me feel crazier and then bad mouth me to other people. I really struggle to understand why he is here and if he really loves me still since all I seem to do is make him unhappy and not be (good) enough based on his actions.

Sorry, this is all a but of a splurge rant but I'm fed up, angry, exhausted, lonely, and literally only on the planet because of my child.