I wanted to share some things I've learned about having ADHD, and any limitations I've experienced in my life in more recent times. Coming to this forum, helped me learn a great deal about ADHD an how I can apply them to myself. First and foremost: figuring out what was ADHD and what was something else? That appeared to be the biggest challenge I faced in finding out the particulars as they applied to me. I now have a pretty good handle on what they are.

In no particular order, I'm:

-ADHD..emphasis on the hyperactive 

-Dysthymia...or chronic low grade depression. It's just under the radar most of the time, but, it's always there. Been this way, most my life.

-Dyslexia....mild. Not really a problem but, it appears at times in subtle ways.

-Anxiety/ OCD/ Hoarding. The OCD is very mild and manageable and hasn't been an issue, but, I still recognize the tell tale symptoms at times which makes me feel aware and in control. It's good to know what your seeing and then, what to do about it.

The Hoarding I simply went cold turkey. I sold everything I owned except what I could fit into my Van and moved out of state. Now that's one way to do it!! Lol It feels good not to have all that "stuff " anymore. And, I don't miss it. The biggest lesson I learned!

So what I've learned is this. I went completely off any medication and decided to go wothout. My depression was definitely there, so I defaulted by going back to what I know.....swimming. 

In three months time, I lost 20lbs, and was swimming up to 6,000 yards in 2 1/2 hours. That's 3.4 miles if you convert it. 

I proved to myself, that at age 65, I could still do the same distance as when I was 18 years old. I dug down deep, and found it in me once more.

From there, I've kept proving that I have no limitations except my own false beliefs about myself.

I've returned to work....put in 10 hour days, got a raised, and am out performing my co-workers that are in there 30's and 40's. I can sit down and focus and concentrate for 8 hour stretches...without a break, and without taking a lunch. I do this, by will, self discipline and hyper-focus. No medication except a double espresso in the morning!

These things I have are only limitations, if I allow them to be. Digging down deep everyday has become my quo. Cleaning, staying organized and hygiene have all improved dramatically with the help of my girlfriend who's paved the way in providing a neat and organized living space to follow her lead. I'm not perfect, but, following instead of leading works, seems to be key for me.

As Yoda said: No try...only do

J

I have real communication problems with my wife. We’ve been married for 13 years and for the whole period I have been incredibly confused by her lack of communication. 

She rarely sends me messages or replies to messages that I’ve sent her, even if I send her pictures and thoughtful things I rarely get an acknowledgement.  So I have stopped doing it which is really sad. I see things I would usually say or share with a partner throughout the day and I just stop because I think there’s no point. A loving, connecting part of me has died. 

Usually a message I will get will be functional “what’s your sister’s dob ?” and I will receive no chat on either side of it or thanks when I reply (hey morning how you doing, what’s your sister’s dob, great thanks catch you later” etc.). And yet I see her chatting with her friends via WhatsApp and Facebook regularly, sending messages and photos, but not to me. She’ll often sign messages to her friends with kisses but almost never to me. It all feels very petty. But is very confusing.

When we discussed this or I bring it up she will often say “oh I’m so busy, I can’t think of you all the time” or to say that I am needy. And often she seems completely unaware that she hasn't communicated and quite surprised that I'm annoyed. But it feels like there is no communication or affection with me at all and it's been an issue always that still causes me lots of stress and anger  

I don’t know why she would naturally communicate with her friends but so little with me. The sad conclusion I keep coming to is that actually she’s just not that into me or doesn’t love me that much to be bothered.  I feel as though I ticked the “find husband” box which was the hyperfocus at the time which then became the wedding hyperfocus and the have children hyperfocus, but that as soon as the husband box was ticked there was no need to continue feeding it. Or as I am starting to understand it no longer provided the reward or buzz.

She is currently away for a month with our children on holiday and I get almost no messages or photos and when I ask for them or bring them up, she’s often frustrated with me and irritated like I’m asking too much from her or criticising her. She is very spiky, defensive and aggressive and I have become very wary of upsetting her. Instead I put up with the titbits I get and try to be very gentle and tactful. 

I am really sad.  I genuinely don’t know if she doesn’t care and is not interested in me or if it’s ADHD. I have read about issues with object permanence and communication difficulties and the thrill/ reward mechanism wonder if this is related, and the fact that I’m not around means she’s just not thinking about me or thinking about sending me stuff but doesn't mean she doesn't actually care or love me.

But then I’m confused because she is chatting and thinking about her friends who she communicates with a lot. They are incredibly important to her and she suffers from rejection sensitive dysphoria in anything related to them. 

In the vacuum my confusion and insecurity is vastly magnified. I replay things over and over trying to understand them. We have recently separated which I don’t want and I am left wondering if my marriage has been a lie or whether ADHD is a huge part of the picture and there is hope for a different way of understanding what is going on and relating. 

If anyone has any insights or can relate to this experience, I would be very grateful. Thank you. 

I have been in a relationship with an adhd woman for 5 months, and it was the best things maybe that happen into my life. I am very succesful in what i do, i take care of my self a LOT but however we have been broken up for 6 months with my ex,  i still miss her so much. In the 5 months together we made a LOT of things together, we travelled, had some incredible experiences and have been to some amazing places. She told me that in her past she was not a very good person and that she have adhd, but i didnt care about her past and Rolf her, because i was seeing her Only for the things she was giving to me and she was really appreciating that and the fact i was the first male that shows interest about her past. At the time i was moving to another country and was a big change for me. She was always talking to come and stay with me and that i was the first person i was understanding her and that i was so deep in the way i communicate with her. We were Both around our 40 and with very good Jobs.  I didnt know a LOT about adhd and i was not informing myself as i am doing right now. However after one week that she was in my new country with me and turned back to Uk, after telling me that i was the man that she wanted to spend her life she called me and broke up with me but wanted to have me as friend in my life. I have had a LOT of experience with women in my life and i thought that friendship should not be the best choice, because i felt very frustrated emotionally and i was not understanding how a person can change her feeling in a week. She told me that she have never felt for me and was a mistake that she said to me that she loved me but i still was for her the most amazing person she ever meet. In that time that we were together helped her financially, she didnt asked me, but i wanted to show to her that i wanted to be present and started to write a book for her too (my language is not english but i am a very good writer). However i decided to stay as friend because i was thinking that she was overhelmed by something and i wanted to be at her side. But the fact that she was not responding anymore to me as before, made me frustrated becsuse i had just started my life in a new country and was completely alone. After some time, 3 weeks after the break up she asked me space and i told her, i will give it to you but i was thinking Only of her. Asked her to talk but she told me that she was not in the Mood. After 4 days she asked me for space, a reservation we hade before for summer trip to santorini came at my email and i forwarded the email to her asking her, What should we do, should we go or not, becsuse i needed to make the payment. She cancelled the reservation and blocked me. I tried to contact her but she Told me that i had disrespected her. I tried for 6 month to make a contact with her through Phone or messages but everytime i finish blocked as soon as she read what have i wrote or my voice on the phone. Never offended her Only asked to talk and writing loving words to her. Gave her 3 months without contacting after some time that i send her a LOT of gifts asking for apologise if i have done something that i have hurt her, but never took a reply. I trief to date other people too, but i am not feeling the sparkle that i had with her and the connection that i had with her. Yesterday after 3 months i tried to call her again from another number, because i am still blockd, just to talk to her and try to understand for what i disrespected her and at least not to have this kind of ending with her because i still love her and i miss her everyday but she directly blocked me and i have never felt so bad in my life. I dont understand why she blocks me everytime meanwhile i Want just to have a talk with her and try to fix something with her if we made wrong. I am very frustrated and the fact i dont know what really happened that she completely changed her feeling in one week and i dont Know what i have done to hurt her, have opened a wound Inside me. I Want Only to know if somehow i have hurt her. the last thing i Want is she to be hurted becsuse i have started to understand how frustrating adhd can be but on the other side we have feelings too and is not right to be treated like this and always finished blocked meanwhile i just try to build a communication. every person who have a similar experience csn help me with a tip. I still Want to contact her but dont Want to hurt her more. 

Sorry, this question is so stupid. I'm ashamed already.

Does love ever return?

The last couple of years with my severe ADD husband have been very hard. Today I feel I'm walking in ruins at home. I look at my breakfast china and remember when we bought it together excitedly many years ago, building a home. We seem to have failed. 

Any doctor would suggest I take anti-depressants, as they have on several occasions. I guess I could. But I'm afraid that would cloud judgment. I'm not joyless. It's just my marriage pulls me down.

I've felt love during the process of diagnosis and I've tried very hard to participate in turning our situation around since then. But now, 19 months in, I haven't felt loving for a long time.

Progress might be there, but I've lost hope. There is no story. There is no functioning future in sight. He doesn't seem to be able to work. He's perpetually ill. He's always tired. He cannot plan, imagine, dream, prioritize. He's only in his early forties. We have three schoolchildren. 

I guess I'm hoping for something to happen, since I don't seem to be able to change anything by shifting attitudes, trying new angles, making up, creating boundaries, starting over. I've used all the tools in my box.

I guess I'm hoping for a miracle.

Does love return? 

I'm so terribly sad today.