Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • learning about ADHD post-divorce by: nefun76 1 year 5 months ago

    It was a light bulb moment for me when my ex shared a link that it's possible he could have ADHD - his is more of ADD as there was no impulsiivity but there was acute selfishness, unreliability and inattentiveness. Zero investment in marriage or family. We had a parent -child dynamic in a decade and a half old marriage. The experience of the non-ADHD spouse shared in the article was 1000% my reality . 
    We have had so many conflicts, I was emotionally drained , exhausted and depleted. He was hyperfocused on several businesses which kept failing , I had to sole provide for the larger part of our marriage which I was happy to do them because  I felt he needed to focus on his business. I also had to support him in these businesses as he always said I was very smart and he needs me but no reciprocity . I struggled on my own to meet my own needs and that of the children . He only wanted his emotional and sexual needs met. 

    He just wanted the benefits of fatherhood and marriage without the responsibilities. He would leave the home /walk out when things were not working , literally abandon us for months under the guise of wanting peace . His idea of peace was to be left alone and not be involved in household, child care or anything that required mental or physical effort. Never felt he should protect his family, he would tell the kids I am a strong woman so to him I could manage or fix any problems. He was intensely stingy and selfcentered - would not share anything with me except on very few occasions. He needed to be told or reminded to help with everything except things that benefit him. 
    He was a closet cheat and has been unfaithful in the most grotesque way.  He seemed to have a good outward personality so it was hard for anyone to relate or for me to share my challenges 

    He recently cheated with a mutual friend of ours, filed for divorce and plans to marry her.  It was a horrific ordeal but I am thankful that my pain and what I went through was validated by his diagnosis and that I was not unreasonable or expecting too much . I asked him if he would share his diagnosis with all those he has demonized me against but he ignored . He is one to cling to sympathy . 

     

  • Contagious passivity by: Swedish coast 1 year 5 months ago

    Does anybody else have an ADD spouse who spends a big part of every day closed in and resting in bed?

    I thought I could live my life independently in the next room. But I'm starting to feel deeply affected by it.

    When he shuts himself in, it's often for hours, or until the next day. It may mean illness, an inflammatory situation, medication side effects, depression, exhaustion or that he is overwhelmed, or even content. I usually can't tell the situations apart, they tend to look the same. Communication is very slow and reluctant on his part,  so it's hard to be supportive, except with practical matters (is that me keeping poor boundaries?).

    It stresses me out. It makes me feel vulnerable. Kids pick up the low energy at home. I try to counter it, which is exhausting. I feel physically weak by spending time near my husband. I force myself to be active, but it doesn't come naturally. I feel the weakness acutely, like a threat to my sanity.

    Is there any way to avoid this contagion?

  • Moving with ADHD by: ebecoat01 1 year 5 months ago
  • Tired and lost by: TiredPartnerBr 1 year 5 months ago

    Hi, everyone! I'm new here. English is not my first language, so please bear with me. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 6. He's 36. We've been together for almost 20 years now (highschool sweethearts). I consider myself to be a very patient person, but now that we have a baby (1 yo), I'm just so very tired of everything. I love my husband, I really do, but I don't think I can take this any more. We just started couples therapy to try and save our marriage, but sometimes I feel like there's nothing else I can do. I don't even have the strainght to write about it here, I'm just so tired. He is an amazing father, human and He's very smart. But he doesn't know what he wants, he is a total mess, he is so aggressive sometimes, he is very critical and judgmental to everyone around him, he has a hard time sticking to jobs, sometimes it seems like he doesn't quite accept and know how ADHD affects our lives, and it's so frustrating. Don't know what to do anymore. My family and some friends that LOVE him are actually being very supportive and saying they understand me, which I'm very surprised about because somehow he made me believe that all of our issues were in my head. Does anyone have any tips on what to do? I'm so lost and tired! Thanks

  • Lost and at the crossroads… by: LostinLife23 1 year 5 months ago

    Unsure where to start as everything seems like a blur in my head. Although at the crossroads of having to make tough decisions...

    Basic background info  - I am 49 and was recently diagnosed with ADHD in March of this year. I am currently on meds but haven't started therapy yet. Wife is younger and diagnosed with GAD. Married 10.5 years, been together for 13 yrs and we are both on our second marriages. 

    Marriage has been rocky for several years due to trust being the biggest thing killing it. She stated she can't trust me as i wouldn't follow through with what i would say or had slight addictive tendencies which were hard to quit when i said I would. I get that, I understand she had problems with trust and yah i wasn't the most trustworthy person. I don't blame her for how she felt. She is an extremely smart, strong willed, independent women that I am still attracted to and still want to be with. 

    My issues are that I have extremely bad spirals and have created this loop of having a fight, realizing what i did, apologizing and promising I would change only to be triggered again and spiral. As this has gone on for years before i was diagnosed and have had several spirals since being diagnosed - she feels i haven't changed. And maybe i haven't... 

    I got laid off from a job of 23 years March 1st, got diagnosed the next day.. My world around me collapsed as of March 1st because I lost a huge support team that I had with my work family. I had a routine, I had a meaning in life, I had purpose... I slowly went downhill to a dark place where I was constantly spiraling and she helped me.. she supported me.. Although with the years of pain behind us, she was already at zero. She had no more to give and I kept taking. 

    Fast forward through the storms..to yesterday. We haven't had many days where we don't fight, she hasn't had a weekend where we haven't been in turmoil because of me. So she is resentful and I honestly get it. So yesterday.. we had a fight and my impulsiveness said forget it and I went and applied for an apt. I got approved same day and now it is decision time... She is aware and I told her I have two options I want to present as I don't want a divorce.

    I want to fix myself to get back to the person I know I am, who i want to be, happy and able to support her and our marriage.

    Plan a - to stay at home.. forget the apt and I want to go see a therapist although I will need her support, so i asked for her to support me. (Not financially but mentally through this.) Mind you she hasn't stopped supporting me.. Even yesterday in the spiral she walked me back into a calm spot and reality.. I don't have a fear she won't support me... but I asked because I didn't want to feel like I expect it. 

    Plan b- to move out and I would like to stay married - I want to see a therapist and I would like her support still. She quickly blew this one off as she feels that if i wanted the marriage to work then i would stay in it no matter what.  

    So that led to plan c.. move out and divorce. 100% in or 100% out.

    Her biggest issue with plan a was that I didn't mention anything about supporting her or what I was going to do for her or for the marriage, i agree.. i didn't. I got talking and I got on one path..and I didn't talk or think of other parts but what I wanted to say. 

    At this point I am confused and I don't know what is best... I feel I will be ok but lonely moving out and getting a divorce. I love her and I want to be with her... I feel one of the biggest issues we have is communication. I have a hard time wording how i feel and she takes things based on how they are worded. 

    I guess... right now lost in life in 23... 

    Thanks in advance for any comments or posts.. I appreciate them all... this was therapeutic alone just typing it although I do value your opinions.. 

  • Blessing in disguise by: Armoniamundi 1 year 5 months ago

    I was in a relationship for 10 months with a guy with ADHD. The hyperfocus really felt like heaven, but I should have never ignored the red flags I saw since the beginning (drinking out of control, impulsivity, circular arguments, etc.)

     

    It ended with me in hospital bleeding almost to death (mioma in my uterus, eccessive bleeding and an anemia that almost killed me). He left without checking if I was ok, without a word, to go see his daughter. The encounter with his mum was even worse (she is also an alcoholic and a Karen who can't ever give up his son-husband, regardless of the fact that this dynamic would actually ruin his life, to put it lightly). It was heartbreaking, confusing, and humiliating.

     

    I might never have a baby, due to age and health (but never say never). I have no parents nor siblings and a family is really what I want in my life. So, to think that I wasted what could be my last year of fertility ruining my health with a man who never really cared about me is dreadful, sad, and tragic.

     

    But as I see and read other people's stories, I realise I have been lucky. Having a child with this man might have ruined my life forever. At least it is a clean cut, financially I still have my own resources and independence, and can look after my health and my future with no baggage (apart from the healing I am still doing).

     

    All the things I read here (financial irresponsibility, addiction, argumentative weekends over nothing, the coldness and ignoring of my desperation and tears, procrastination, projection, resentment over chores and  committments previously agreed upon, everything half assed, having to pick up after him all the time, and forgetting about all the help and support provided) happened to me, too.

     

    It is a blessing in disguise that it only lasted that long and yet I still feel like a fool for trying so hard for nothing.

     

    I have learnt not to ignore red flags, even the small ones. My intuition was right when I met him, I felt a clear "no" coming from inside and had two instinctual thoughts to motivate it: 1) too much feminine energy coming from him, I'll end up having to be "the man" and it's not my role and 2) he should rather worry about the future of his daughter (from a previous relationship) than his hair loss (priorities all wrong). I still gave him a chance and got swept away by the hyperfocus. Never again.

     

    This is a very talented guy who sings and plays the guitar, and moves people to tears. I have learnt that those emotions are worth nothing, even if intense, since they mean no connection towards prioritising the wellbeing of people he supposedly loves so much. Of course I was the one trying everything to help him heal, both before and after we understood the problem was ADHD, to no avail.

     

    He just looked away and took no responsibility for any of the above, including his condition.

     

    I am still recovering (anemia and mioma) but it is easier alone in the house, with no support, than with him and his chaos and indifference around me. 

     

    If you are heartbroken because your partner broke up with you and didn't try hard enough in spite of declarations of love, think of it as a blessing in disguise. 

     

    My future is mine and with no strings attached. Whether I'll have a child or not, I am happy I got away relatively ok. 

    From now on, I know that love=actions and consistent behaviour, and I am really cherishing the fact that I can have a life of my choice instead of being dragged into emergency and chaos constantly.

     

    Oh, of course we were living in the house I own, he was supposed to look after the bills, and after agreeing he started backpedaling and angrily fighting what he forgot he had agreed to. Now I am renovating the house, so that the memories of all the bullshit, which happened here and which I didn't deserve, will be also gone, soon.

     

    Good luck everyone. Look after yourself. 

  • Looking for some hope - really need advice by: Honeybee13 1 year 5 months ago

    Where to begin... I have been with my husband for 2.5 years, we married last year and our first baby is due next month. Last year I started thinking he might have ADHD but he wasn't open to hearing it then this year in Jan I brought it up again and something clicked for him. He read a book about it and looked at some videos and felt like his life was being described. Everything I read on my end feels like it was written for him/us too. No diagnosis yet but I would be shocked if it came out that he's not got ADHD.

     

    I love my husband but all too often I feel worthless and hopeless. His outbursts and frustrations from feeling overwhelmed are always taken out on me (then as soon as someone calls he's happy and laughing... why don't I get that version of him anymore?) I feel resentful of one of his friends in particular who he's been hyper focused on since coming back from our wedding. Always talking about him and wanting to hang out with him and even when I'm not feeling well or stressed for pregnancy stuff, he'll choose this friend and just say 'he needed me'. I went from being the only person he wanted to spend time with when we first met, who he wanted to make sure was okay all the time (and it was such a change for me after some not great partners and so sweet and I remember thinking 'I've never had someone treat me like this before. I could get used to this, I would love a life with someone so caring'), to someone who feels uncared for and ho he never wants to spend time with.

     

    I often feel like I was tricked into marrying him by his ADHD. The hyperfocusing he was doing on me made me feel incredible! And yes, we still had some issues but I was in this 100%.

     

    I have days of hope but then things seem to go south again. We'll be having a normal conversation then suddenly he gets aggressive (with his tone/words).

     

    Today is a day of hopelessness and thinking I'm going to have to give birth alone in a couple of weeks as it's so stressful being in a room with him and never quite knowing how he's going to react. I am so stressed for the future when baby is here too. For a quick run down of reasons:

    - still not advanced in diagnosis and getting the help he needs (we're in France and it's not really a thing here - there is a huge lack of understanding and specialists. Everytime I talk to him about making an appointment with someone he gets angry and says I'm putting pressure on him...)

    - everything is 'tomorrow' or 'I don't WANT to'. I'm so sick of explaining that sometimes in life there are things that we don't WANT to do, we just HAVE to. And everything's that's for 'tomorrow' is actually for 'never'. What will he be like when baby is here? If he can't even help out with cleaning and doing the dishes because he doesn't 'want' to, what will happen if he doesn't want to change the baby, or give her her dinner or whatever it is

    - the excuses! it's always 'sorry, BUT' - and the main excuses are work and being tired. He quit his job after I told him I was pregnant (he changes every few years when he can't deal with it anymore) and set up his own solo company. Many days he doesn't even want to go to work or get back to clients and complains he's tired but does zero to help himself feel better (poor diet, no exercise...)

    - he only sees problems, never solutions. And it's so tiring!!! So much negativity.

    - he seems to magically think that he'll be a great dad. I wish this were going to be true. But I just don't see how that's possible with how he is now. He's financially irresponsible - I'm always having to bail him out and pay the majority (the word 'budget' is offensive to him). He is not good at organising (so I have to do everything whether it be presents for others for birthdays/Christmas, organising holidays, paperwork, getting everything ready for baby's arrival etc etc. He doesn't keep promises/is forgetful/changes opinions in one sentence. Is very focused on himself and what he wants. His emotions can be volatile - I don't want him to snap at our children ever for no reason! And he criticises a lot/says things in a way that put me down and I don't want our daughter to hear these things or think it's normal/acceptable.

     

    I feel so burnt out sometimes and fear I'm not going to be able to be the mum I want to be if we don't get any specialist help - but no idea where to find it! And my husband just keeps procrastinating and says he's got too much to do and will do it later...

     

    If anyone has got this far, and has some advice then I'm all ears! But please don't tell me to leave him. I'm 35.5 weeks pregnant, have no family of my own in this country (great friends though! But they all have their own families to look after), and I really really want/need this to work. One of the biggest things I have ever wanted to give any children of mine was a happy home with a mother a father (my dad died when I was 6 months, and my mum was emotionally neglectful and extremely selfish), so I want to at least try my hardest to make this work right now.

     

    Any stories of hope out there of families with an ADHD parent and children? Everything I seem to come across is about unhappy children and divorce...

    Thank you :)

  • Helpless by: Swedish coast 1 year 5 months ago

    Hello everyone, sorry to show up so helpless. But I am.

    My severe ADD husband is doing a bit better. Sleeping, and doing housework, and trying out new medication against emotional dysregulation.

    I am trying to entangle my emotions after the wildly upsetting last few months. Cry often when alone. Realize I never relax. I try to catch every ball at home. I also do it with extended family, acquaintances and even strangers. I'm being hyper receptive to and compensate for their peculiarities, like a crazy person. It upsets me, it makes me want to cut people off, and I think I need to somehow tighten boundaries, but I don't know how.

    What's to be done when you concluded long ago you will never get your needs met in a relationship? When no amount of effort will make the communication you depend on, flow. When you've come to think of this as a simple matter of fact. My sense of self-worth has eroded with it. Do I like my husband at all? I don't really know. His difficulties have been monstrous and they blot everything else out. I have a fierce need to protect and repair our life mostly for the sake of the children. But I feel sluggish with exhaustion. Unimportant.

    I'm having a strange notion of all things dear to me slipping away. I'm not able to save them. I'm losing touch with my past. I can't turn to my extended family for help.

    What do we do in these situations, friends?

  • Return to the "Twilight Zone" by: PoisonIvy 1 year 5 months ago

    I used to be on the forum regularly. Much less so now that I'm divorced (at the end of May, I'll be marking 7 years since the marriage ended). Things involving my ex-husband impelled me to return here, and the mention in a few posts of being in the Twilight Zone motivated me to post again.

    My ex has ADHD. He abandoned me and our children, first emotionally, then financially, then physically. I know that "abandoned" is a strong word, but I think that other folks with experience in the TZ can handle it. 

    The stress in my life has gone down a lot now that I'm divorced. But occasionally I have reason to try to interact or communicate with my ex because of stuff involving our adult children. Here's the current TZ that people without experience with living with a person with ADHD just don't seem to understand: One of our children will be getting a Ph.D. next month, from a university out of state. She gave us a "save the date" three months ago. I bought my plane tickets. I reserved a hotel room. Her sister bought plane tickets.

    Her dad (my ex) ghosted us. "Why is ex (Dad) not responding to polite messages asking whether he has bought plane tickets?" Possible reasons, possible reactions: "He's dead." "He's sick." "He didn't pay his cellphone bill and he has no service." "He didn't pay his internet bill and he has no service." "He's depressed." "He forgot." "Why do you care? You're not married anymore." "It's TOO HARD to be an adult and buy plane tickets." "He can't afford it." And so on. 

    So, yes, I'm less stressed about my relationship with my ex now that I'm divorced, but also, I remain sad that I tied myself to a person who took and took and gave little to the relationship in return.

  • Can this ever be good? by: richad 1 year 5 months ago

    Hi All! I am wondering if a relationship with an ADHD person can ever be good. I've heard the phrasing "good enough" used a lot. But what does this actually look like? As the non-ADHD partner, the amount of "sacrifice" for my relationship needs feels disproportionate and diminishing. For instance, understanding that my partner is "not intending to ignore me" does not really help me feel less ignored. I want to feel special, thought of, and have a spouse that shows interest in me. I am having trouble seeing this as compatible with an ADHD spouse. What are the success stories? How did you get there? And to what extent have you sacrificed your own needs in the process? (for clarity, there are moments where I feel special, but I need consistency and that is something that also feels too challenging to my partner). 

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