I will try not to ramble and for this to have some sort of flow, but I can not promise anything.  Im 31 years old and recently (within) 2 weeks dx with ADHD-combined type.  At first I thought it would be a relief to finally know "what was wrong with me", but it has only added to my stress.  As long as I can remember, I have been "that girl" that excessively talks, climbs everything, constantly on the go, has 30,000 lists that cover every possibility in life, I interrupt , am socially awkward, and have always heard "oh that just her, give her time, you'll love her."  As a child I was suspended from school in 4th grade, for talking and getting out of my seat.  But back then my doctor told my mother, oh her grades are good, I am not testing her. 

Anyway, quick run down, I have always felt like something is wrong with me because I can not control my racing mind, I can not control my own mouth and not interrupt, I have a short fuse and get upset over the stupidest things, which in turn makes me feel like a complete failure. I have suffered with "depression" since the age of 10, have been to several counselors, several different medications, have had an issue with cutting (not like the extreme that you will see, but when I can't not get my mind under control... Maybe a total of 8 scars), tried killing myself at 14, was in a psychiatric facility, was even doing counseling until last year (which never seemed to help my underlying issues). The doctor a few weeks ago spoke with me for over 2 hours, explained that I have always had the ADHD, and while I learned to compensate the best I could at the time, that current life situation (I work fulltime, in grad school, a relationship that is falling apart, and recently miscarried) has simply over stimulated me to the point I can not compensate any more.  My boyfriend of 3 years says "so you have an excuse and I just have to deal with it."  I don't want an excuse, I just want someone to understand me.  I am trying to keep it all together, and I just can't.  The dr also told me that he really is irritated that people missed all the signs and clues pointing them to the underlying cause.  I guess he is right, I mean if you try and try and try and try to not be "how you are" and continue to "fail", most people would get depressed. 

My doctor said that it is actually not as common for a female to have the hyperactivity and impulsivity, but I meet every requirement for diagnosis.  Even as an adult I can't stay seated, I fidget all the time, I interrupt, can't wait my turn, easily frustrated, and never look like I pay attention.  Oh yes, and I repeat myself.....ALOT.... My boyfriend takes it as grinding or nagging, but Im simply trying to explain myself to him, how I see something, why I think the way I do..... Everyone else get that, even the doctor said it is extremely common part of the hyperactivity.  Oh yes and when my mind races, I CANNOT make it stop.  So I will ramble, or text, or write pages in my spiral..... I get so tired of hearing "just take a breath, that will relax your brain."  The same when I can not focus for homework, which I should be doing right now.... Im told "oh just do something else for 15 minutes then go back."  My mind controls me, I'm the girl that can't sleep at night because my brain won't shut up, Im the girl who will go to walmart at 0200 to buy paint, so I can paint my kitchen.  

At this point I just don't know how this is going to improve.  I don't know how anyone will ever love me like this.  I am going to have a graduate degree and be successful professional, but my personal life it up in chaos.  Everyone has always left me.  Which is why I am scared to show anyone who I truly am.  There is a song by MercyMe that states "if they see your heart, theyd see too much."  That is exactly how I feel.  

Sorry for the ramble, Im sure there is so much I let out..... I just don't know how to get my temper, racing thoughts, and focus under control.... I love my boyfriend and don't want to start over.... I just don't know what to do.... He even said that had I had this diagnosis last may (went to my pcp again, was started on depression meds with no relief) that it would be different because he would have known then what the issue was, he would have "better understood" that you did not mean to have a short fuse or "snap at me."  Which by the way, I realize exactly what I have done 5 seconds later and profusely apologize.  I was hoping to be able to get in on the Counseling on this page, but noticed it is full.  Trying to find someone around here that understands how real this is and how it effects people.  

Thanks for reading my rambling, 

Kelly

Hi All,

So I am looking for some helpful advice. My fiance and I have a really hard time planning recreational travel together. First let me say we both travel for work a bit -- I am a journalist and he is a photographer -- and while planning work trips is stressful we manage to do it. But recreational trips are another matter entirely and we have long history of botched recreational vacations where my expectations are disastrously far from what actually happens. For instance the time we decided to drive across the country but whenever I was driving he sat in the passenger seat and mostly ignored me because he had to finish his masters thesis which was a month past due. Or last spring when he canceled our scheduled climbing trip (the night before!) because he suddenly realized he had too much school work. Whenever we make a plan he issues this caveat now: well if I suddenly have work then I have the right to cancel our plan. This is hard for me because I set aside time to do stuff together and I get excited about it. So when our plans suddenly dissolve, as they have done in the past, I am disappointed. I know this isn't about me how much he loves me, but it does feel disappointing none-the-less.

We are great at so many things! And I certainly get to appreciate many of the pluses of ADHD -- his ever curious mind and complete enthusiasm for things that interest him. He is brilliant and kind. Except when he feels I have turned against him. And because of my past disappointments with vacation stuff whenever I bring it up he feels like I have turned against him.

So most recently we are working out a plan to get away this summer, and simply talking about it has made us both incredibly anxious this entire week. Essentially about a month ago, we zeroed in on 5 days in August where we might go up to the White Mountains. I am a nature lover and we live in New York, so getting out of the city is vital to me. I constantly ask myself is getting out of the city and into nature a need of mine? And the answer is yes it is a really vital to my peace of mind and feeling of centeredness. I bike, I run, I hike, I climb, etc. And I get out of the city often on my own or with girlfriends. And I want to share that with my partner occasionally. My partner is much more of a computer guy but he does love climbing. That is where we overlap. So we were planning on going to the White Mountains to climb. When I brought it up again as we neared the dates we had set aside suddenly he refused to go. He said that I hadn't been practicing climbing at the gym enough. When in fact I got the certification he asked for and have been practicing, although not often with him because our schedules don't always allow it. Still I told him I understood his fear, and said that we didn't have to climb. We could hike. Explore some caves, which he likes to do, visit a distillery. To which the response was, well its too long. Okay I said, three days and lets go someplace closer. No, he said, two max. And at this point we are both so angry and defensive its just really hard to talk to one another. It makes me anxious and breaks my heart. He says he doesn't like vacations. I say well we don't have to sit around doing nothing! Lets make it an adventure trip! I know he has disappointed me in the past around this issue and he probably is hugely fearful of disappointing me again. How can I get what I need while making him feel safe? Can someone offer me advice? How do you talk to your ADHD spouse about issues like this? I tell him I would be less angry if when he sets aside time for us, he honors that no matter what work comes up. And he tells me I am being unreasonable. How can we escape this vicious cycle? Do I have to give up my desire of taking short vacations with him?

I don't even know what just hit me. My husband and I sat down to listen to Session 3 of the couples seminar, and we were discussing our worksheets beforehand. During our anger worksheets discussion, I said that I answered one of the questions according to my resentment because I don't really have anger. He asked me what I was resentful for. Normally I would not answer because in the last 6-8 weeks, he has been very irritable, and little things set him off. But I figured--hey, we're having a nice honest talk, so I will try to explain. Well, he immediately rejected my first answer because, "I do way more than the guys in that book." He could not understand why I would feel resentful at having to take on most of the child care, manage the household, and make sure things get done, because he does his fair share of the chores (we both work full time). When I tried to explain nicely that it is not about comparing him to anyone in the book but about addressing our issues, he exploded. He told me we don't have that problem anymore because he is done. He mentioned divorce (hopefully it is just his anger) and stormed off. (That has never happened before.) I was stunned. He wasn't even making sense, and I feel like a truck just hit me. He asked me why I felt how I did and then did not "agree with" my answer, which of course is unfair, to say the least.

I know this is just another of his anger outbursts, so I don't take it personally, and assuming (which right now may be a big assumption) he realizes that his reaction was irrational, my question is, how do we effectively make progress going forward? Should we not discuss anything heavy until the completion of the course? I feel very afraid to be honest with him because these reactions are quite frequent recently (it was not like this before his diagnosis, so I know some of it is his own dealing with this). But every time he acts like this, I feel more reluctant to share my feelings. 

I read in another post in this forum that the first year after the diagnosis is the worst, but how do we even make it to a year if he has this much anger and doesn't fully buy into the course? 

Hi. I'm new here, but I'm totally in.  I've been married to a woman with undiagnosed ADHD for 13 years now with 6 kids.  My wife just got officially diagnosed a few weeks ago, after I had basically given up on "my plight" as a man condemned to live in "trash can".  This is how I often felt.  That feeling of giving in was good in a way, but anger and resentment always seems to creep back at some point.  

Anyway, after my wife's diagnosis we began to talk about getting an ADHD coach in addition to her taking medication. Our conversation started off as 99 percent of our conversations do.  She gives her reasons, I repeat them and point out where I disagree and she tells me I don't understand or am not listening, or don't want to listen, and then changes the language of what she said in order to re-explain.  I then tell her that that's what I thought she said and that my response was still valid.  She then again tells me, I don't get it, and this can go on, ad nauseam.  Here is a short synopsis of this argument about getting an ADHD coach (omitting the anger, screaming and crying):  

I start off by mentioning, "the psychiatrist recommended that we get an ADHD coach along with the medication".  

My wife responds, "I know, but I can't just yet, I won't have some organized person coming into my house and start bossing me around in a controlling and demeaning manner, I can have my mother to do that".

 I tell her, "It's not supposed to be a bossy organized person, an ADHD coach is a trained professional that has experience with people with ADHD and knows how to be sensitive to your issues about feeling attacked".

She says, "I don't feel attacked, you don't get it.  I'm not ready to have someone come in here and tell me what to do, I know what to do, let me try the medication first."

I respond, "They are not just going to tell you what to do"

"I need to work out my own system not go by someone else's system"

I say, "but you've tried that for years and haven't been successful, they don't just give you a system. If we find a good with with recommendations, she will be a well trained professional that will understand your strengths and weaknesses and will work with you. She will listen to what you say and make suggestions based on what you want to accomplish".

Now we've reached tears and yelling "you just don't get it, you don't listen to me.  I cannot have someone trying to control my life."

I follow up again, "I understand what you are saying, and I'm telling you that they will not come in and try to control you'

She says, "That's not what I said. I didn't say I don't want someone controlling me"

I say, "Fine, it doesn't matter what you said.  The language doesn't matter.  OK. let's say hypothetically it was possible that there was a person that would allow you to do whatever you want and only listen to you and just help you implement whatever you chose to do in terms of getting organized. All they will do is observe and assist.  No bossing"

"There is no such person like that."

"Let's just pretend. Totally hypothetical"

"I still wouldn't do it. I would still feel like they are bossing me around"

"Even if they didn't even say anything to you, but just observed?"

"Yes"

It finally dawned on me what was going on here.  She was describing how it would feel for her, not what would actually be taking place.  I was focused on the reality of what would take place, and she was focused on the feeling that that reality would cause her and describing it as the actual reality.  This has been going on for 13 years!  I've been pulling my hair out for 13 years, agonizing about how there was no rationality in the world, there was never any logic to her responses. It turns out that many of these miscommunications may have been because she is really describing how she would feel using the language of describing what would actually be taking place.  I pointed this out to her and she hesitantly agreed.  "yeah", she said, "I guess that is what I'm doing." She is communicating her perception of a situation, not the situation itself.  I don't think she realized there was a difference, and I was so attuned to the difference that I took it for granted that she would also take this difference into consideration when communicating.  I have a feeling that this was an important step in improving our communication, especially since I will be on the lookout for this perception vs reality dichotomy in the future.