I'm 26, married with two children ages 9 months and 4 years old. My husband and I have been married for 4 years. I have ADD, but have known for quite a while and have it fairly under control. My husband has recently become diagnosed with ADHD. He has gone to counseling a couple times and is suppose to go on medication in about a week or two. I am excited to see how it will work, but at the same time, I'm not sure our marriage will even last to see the benefits. We have been having a hard time, but I feel like recently, I am just ready to give up. I feel invisible. Even when he looks at me, hes not looking at me. He's preoccupied. I feel completely alone in this marriage like he is absent, even though he is here. Having ADD myself, I do understand, but I don't feel like he even understands the toll its taking on me. I'm trying to hold on, but I'm losing it. He says things that are completely inappropriate and does not understand why I get upset. I do love him and I think he loves me, so I want this to work. I just don't know how much longer I can take this. He doesn't even hear me when I talk a lot of the time. I don't know what to do. Please help.
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- Tired, frustrated, and ready to give up by: Layra210 11 years 4 months ago
- someone please help :( by: ellie1 11 years 4 months ago
i am very frustrated and need advice, my boyfriend who have been with for almost a year has got ADHD he never talks about it also never talks face to face about his feelings. he gets very angry easily and says very hurtful things and calls me some terrible things. my mother and close friends say to finish it with him but i love him and i find it hard to let him go because when it is good it is amazing but when it is bad it is dreadful, we are in an argument now and it hurts so much especially the way he goes on. he always has very bad mood swings and also sometimes comes across like he is depressed at times especially when he was moving regiments as he is in the army he stopped texting as much and when he was home he never came to see me but then we broke up and got back together everything seemed great then we had this argument which has really hurt me, i want to be with him i just dont know how to cope with his anger and mood swings all the time as it hurts me as he says and calls me very hurtful things. i just need advice what to do and how to deal with being with someone with ADHD
- How do I break through this wall? by: RoadtoRecovery 11 years 4 months ago
I'm facing a very difficult decision right now. I am the ADHD spouse in the relationship (you can view my story here). I am 33 year old male that was diagnosed with ADHD in March this year. I decided to see if I was ADHD after reading Mrs. Orlov's book. My wife introduced me to it in September of last year but I didn't start reading it until January and it was like a revelation to me. Since diagnosis, we began seeing a marriage counselor that is experienced with ADHD and CBT. Things were better for awhile but a change in my medication exacerbated my impulsivity and Over focused ADD type behavior. May was a very rough month for us and I had frequent outbursts from frustration and the pace of our lives. My wife left me and took our daughter with her a little over a month ago and moved out of state to be with her family. She has not filed for divorce or separation yet but I fear that is because she plans to get residency there first before doing so. For that reason, I feel like I have to make a decision before she acquires residency. She has since started counseling with me again over the phone. The focus has been on me and her issues with feeling unsafe even though I have never harmed her or our daughter nor have I had any aggressive tendencies or gotten in trouble with school or the law for physical violence in the past. I have tried to reassure her that her insecurity is misguided but she is stuck on the idea that I have the potential to be a raging abuser. I've been doing everything I can to make changes in my life, learning more about ADHD, exercising, eating a healthy diet for an Over focused ADHD type, going to Yoga, Self Hypnosis, Meditation, CBT with our counselor, journaling, correcting medication to negate the negative effect that exacerbated symptoms, taking medication every day as well as supplements, yet she does not see the change because she is 1000 miles away. In our current situation, I fear that progress will move too slowly for me to be comfortable with not taking legal action to protect my relationship with my daughter before she acquires residency. She wants me to move there to continue my therapy but my career is on the line as well as my financial and emotional stability. We have discussed a trip next month so I can see our daughter but she is not willing to let me have alone time with our daughter while I am there. It will be almost 90 days by the time I see our daughter for something I know i would never do as it is strongly against my moral values. I was raised old school and taught always to turn the other cheek and never to hurt a woman. I honestly don't know what to do.
- pain and the emotional roller coaster ride that follows by: happy-unhappy 11 years 4 months ago
This is my very first post. I stumbled on this site a few months ago, ordered Melissa's book, and read it. My husband (the ADHD- spouse) won't read it. Nor would he consent to talk to a therapist or use medication. He seems to think that doing any of these things would admit to being "at fault."
Our relationship is certainly not all bad. But there is a recurring pattern: He gives me his word on something, let's call it "promise A." Someone else comes along with "option B." "Option B" can be any number of things (and quite often involves alcohol), and it appeals to him more than "promise A." So he breaks his word to me. This happens over and over again. I asked him how he thinks that makes me feel about our relationship and how he treats me. He brushed past me and said that this year, he could have gone out a lot more but he's been working really hard, every weekend. Far from having a lack of confidence, he thinks that every little thing he does is wonderful, and has a very powerful denial about the times when he hurts me emotionally.
This leads into another patten in our relationship: I feel hurt, and I think about leaving him. Every time I feel crushed by his lack of regard for me, I want to leave. Is it normal to respond this way to pain? I guess the urge is to escape whatever is hurting you so much. But then I go through the same cycle of realizations which include the fact that to leave would cause tons more pain, and for that matter life does not exist without some pain. I wish that I could train myself to react differently to feeling hurt. The pain I feel makes me feel so hopeless, and out of control. I want to regain some control and therefore I think about leaving (the only solution I can come up with to stop the pain). The cycle continues with me remembering the good times, and all that I would lose by leaving. I wish that I didn't have to go through this entire emotional roller-coaster every time he treats me badly. I would love to find a way to stop myself from feeling so pained. Is this possible? I don't think he will play any part in stopping the cycle. I can only try to change my reactions to him, but I'm having a very difficult time in doing that. Has anyone successfully turned their pain into something positive, while remaining in the relationship?
Thank you in advance for any feedback. I'm really glad that this supportive network is here.
- Here we go again by: CallyP 11 years 4 months ago
Just needed to get this out. My husband has just told me that he will be on vacation in a week...and he's dying to go away somewhere. I told him it is ridiculous and unfair that he makes such a hasty decision without consulting with me and now expects me to make it happen. Mind you, we have a 4 year old. For 5 years now I've been telling him how he needs to take a vacation from work, so that we can do something. He NEVER wants to take off, not one single day. We can't plan anything. Someone on his job told him of their wonderful PLANNED vacation and now that's where he wants to go. When I said that it is too short notice, he blows up and says "you tell me to take vacation time and when I do, you don't want to do anything"...?!? I'm in the middle of pms-ing, have planned appointments and things to do that week and now I'm supposed to drop everything to make this "pop up" vacation happen? Now he's upset and is walking around here sulking. He literally packs a bag the night before and is ready to go, never helping with any of the planning or pre-vacation tasks. Am I wrong for taking a stand and saying NO...not this time sweetheart? I'm so tired of this!
- resolved by: Violetta 11 years 4 months ago
- Someone please say you've been through this too... by: Anonymous (not verified) 11 years 4 months ago
I'm currently separated from my ADHD husband.
When we met, he was a brilliant, fast paced thinker in a high-powered corporate job doing tech support. He loved it. I loved him. He was CLEARLY ADHD, but when I asked him about it, he said it had never affected his life, so he didn't ever look into a diagnosis. Our courtship was exactly what would be expected with an ADHD/planner couple. It was fabulous.
About six months after we got married, he saw a friend with ADHD go through loss of health insurance, and subsequently his Adderall. The resurgence of this friend's ADHD symptoms (he also works with my husband) led my husband to think that he was in exactly the same frame of mind, only he had never been medicated.
Instead of pursuing a diagnosis with a doctor, he immediately contacted a drug dealer, and started spending $2000-$3000 (almost all of our money) a month on whatever form of ADHD meds he could get his hands on. He felt that he knew everything about medicating, having researched it online, and it was a nightmare rollercoaster that depended entirely on his impulse control and how much money he could siphon out of our paycheck before I got the bills paid. I didn't know what was going on - he never told me - I actually thought it was an affair. But, a relative of mine suggested drug use, so I packed up the kids and took off one morning before he knew what was going on. I called his doctor and told them I suspected drug abuse, and my husband went in for a drug dependency evaluation. I never found out the results - he assured me it was all fine, but also told his doctor not to speak to me anymore. For a month he refused to speak directly about what was happening, but at my urging, he got a formal diagnosis and I moved myself and the kids back in.
His doctor switched him from dose to dose to dose, changing his regimen every two weeks or so. This went on for 3 months before I realized what was happening - he was getting a 60 day scrip for the maximum dose allowed by our insurance, and he was running out of, or "losing" a bottle of Adderall at a rate that meant he was taking anywhere from 100-200 mg of Adderall a day. When I tried to talk to his doctor about it, my husband reacted with rage. I contacted my parents, and 3 weeks later we left.
Now I'm filing for separation to protect myself and my boys financially and physically. My husband's family and friends have effectively disowned him - he has gotten help packing our old apartment into storage, and a friend got him a rental car. He is arriving in my hometown tomorrow with a job offer, but nowhere to live and no actual form of transportation.
I have no idea what to do from here.
- Our lives have become unmanageable by: jennalemon 11 years 4 months ago
"A person only has this minute, or this hour, or this day to work with, and what you do with it is your choice. I could fritter it away with fear, resentment and worry, or I could turn it to some more pleasant or productive purpose. Either way, no one is watching to chastise me for my choice. This is a great relief. I had always felt that my every move was being scrutinized, as if I was the center of the universe and on the verge of being found wanting. it is delightful to learn that I am free to make mistakes, to do more or less than I had planned and even to squander time. That freedom helps me to want to make good healthy choices for myself."*
This is from Al-anon. There seems to be so many correlations to living with ADD and to an alcoholic....and for me, my dh is an ADDer who self medicates with beer and tobacco and playing puzzles. He uses conversation time, not to share information or "build" upon but rather as a "sales tool" to manipulate a situation...to hide his drinking or to hide his errant actions/in-actions. Dh uses these distractions to soothe himself rather than communication or taking care of things. What he thinks is "getting by" or "getting away with" I think of as lies.
Us spouses of ADDers should start a 12 step program for US to understand ourselves and stay sane(which is what al-anon does for the spouses). We cannot change them....only ourselves. We have no power to MAKE them be different than they are. We can only let them fall down and feel the pain of their own chaos and lack of responsibility. Then, MAYBE they will want to change some bad habits they have come to use to cope. Because right now, their coping tools are working for them...letting them put things "out of mind". But THEIR bad habits have become OUR family problem.
*paraphrased from "How Al-anon Works".
First step: "We admitted we are powerless over alcohol - that our lives have become unmanageable".
Second step: "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
- Abandoned and angry by: redpoppy 11 years 4 months ago Married 16 years, 6 kids. None of the issues we are experiencing now are new, but things have never been worse.
The first 4 years of our marriage were very traumatic to me because I left my country to move to his, and when I arrived there he did nothing to provide for us. He wanted to study so he did that, and I had to go to the humiliation to go the welfare office so we had money to eat. Nobody hired me because I did not know the language and then I found myself pregnant. I resented him ever since for that time.
On year 4 but he got a transfer to the US where he got a good deal studying for free and housing expenses paid, and then a very safe job, and that's how we lived 11 years. Sadly, we lived under constant threat of him being fired because of all the stuff he forgot or misunderstood or did not do or his defiance. He finally managed to get fired from a job nobody gets fired from.
We are now back on his country. He is working at a factory because that's what he could find. He promised he would try to find something better, but never gets around to. Every month we need to borrow money from our parents and instead of being ashamed he is relieved. He is satisfied with the bare minimum and only acts AFTER our family has nothing to eat. I have to beg and plead for him to do anything, and he keeps losing money from not paying bills on time or forgetting to send forms etc. I would come to the rescue if a could, but he lies about how bad things are, and a lot of this stuff is in his name so I can't. I have looked for jobs since I got here last November, but sadly as a foreigner, my chances are not so good, so I have applied for university and am waiting to hear the answer (free university and you get a salary to study)
We are destitute and there is no hope for things to get better. Every time he messes up he mumbles "sorry" and looks at me with that blank look on his face. He does not react normally to things and sits there like a robot when I desperately try to explain to him why it is important he does not lie to me, or minimize the seriousness of not paying bills. He does NOTHING unless I hold him by the hand and do it with him or call reminding him every hour. He is like a child and that is repulsive to me.
The problems were suspended for 10 years while he had that job where people were forever patient and I was talking care of things. Now that we depend on him alone, things are worse than in those 4 traumatic first years.
It is going to sound awful, but I hate him now. I wish he would just leave and never come back. The kids and I would be better off financially if he did because what he makes is half of what I could get of support for singles moms until I got a job. Also, he would not be here to dig us deeper into debt.
I am this close to filing for divorce, but I haven't because of the kids. Despite letting us down constantly, the kids love him. So I am stuck and trying to figure out how to live with someone that makes me cry everyday with how abandoned he makes me feel. "I care" or "Things will get better" or "I promise I will take care of this" all lies said with that blank look on his face. It is a never ending mockery I feel, because I can say the same thing every 48 hours and he acts like it is the first time he is hearing it, and then he blames me for his incompetence. I hate him for this.
Sorry... I know I don't sound nice, but I am desperat, devastated and done. And I have nobody i can talk to about it.
P. S. He was diagnosed in 2006 and was on Ritalin for a few years. Honestly there was not much difference besides making him very angry
- ADHD Partner Has Ruined My Life by: Mazzy128 11 years 4 months ago
Hi I am new to this forum but have read many posts and can identify with many issues discussed.
I was with my undiagnosed ADHD partner for four and a half years and engaged for two.
From early in the relationship I knew something was wrong. I had never dealt with anyone like him. The tremendous anger outbursts over small things, short attention span, not able to communicate easily, never able to keep a job long or finish projects. But I was in a bad place when we got together and was glad of his other side, very loving, affectionate, would do anything for me and just made me feel like the most special girl in the world.
So I put up with the bad stuff. And there was a lot of it. I got sick and was eventually diagnosed with severe anxiety which I felt was possibly linked to his behaviour. I started to research heavily and made the link to adult ADHD. He ticked every box. I realised that we had to get him help or my condition would get worse. We saw a few doctors who unfortunately fobbed him off saying that only children have ADHD (very old fashioned views where I live apparently.) He lost interest after that and I wasn't strong enough to keep pushing him to look for a doctor that was actually willing to help. I could have left him I know but I loved him dearly and just wanted him to sort his problems out, and I'm sure many of you non ADHD partners can relate to this.
Then, when I thought it couldn't get any worse, very recently my sister caught him trying to spy on her in the shower. I went numb with shock. He had alot of problems but no one thought he was capable of this. I just kept asking how he could do this to me (and her) and he told me he didn't know, it was a compulsion that developed recently and he couldn't control it. He told me he was addicted to porn (I knew he watched it and I wasn't happy, I just didn't know the extent) and at some point the lines between fantasy and reality got crossed. He swears he never cheated and to be honest we spent so much time together I don't know when he would have had the time. But I am not sure of anything anymore!
So I kicked him out that night. My heart is literally in pieces. I asked if he was in love with my sister. He says no, he loves me more than anything and only ever wanted to be with me. But then I say how could you do this? He said he didn't know, he just didn't think about the consequences and didn't realise how much damage it would do.
My sister is devastated. I am destroyed. He is suicidal. I am very close to my sister and she is usually the one I talk to about all the bad stuff. She can't even bear to hear his name mentioned she is so upset by him. He has driven a wedge between us so now I have lost both what I thought was the love of my life and my best friend, and the relationship I had with my sister. I can't talk to anyone else, I begged my sister not to tell the rest of my family or friends because I am so embarrassed and ashamed.
I am so depressed. I miss him, but not him the pervert, the him I thought I knew, my best friend. We were so close, how did I miss the warning signs? I don't know how to carry on my life is so empty now. How could he do this to me? He is getting help now apparently but I fear its too late for us because of what he's done and he didn't just involve me, but my sister too, and I am sure she will never forgive him even if I could. And my family is everything to me. His family do not help, they don't even think what he did was a big deal and I am overreacting. He thinks his dad has ADHD too, and his mum has many issues also, stemming from a violent upbringing. They seem to not care about anything he does and never have, hence why he did not get help as a child.
I posted on another add forum regarding this, and while there were a few understanding responses most were just horrified that I was suggesting adhd can cause someone to become a "sexual predator" (I'm not suggesting that at all - simply trying to understand his condition and the motivations behind his actions). I know ADHD can (not always) manifest such symptoms as hyper sexuality, porn addiction and difficulty in distinguishing between fantasy and reality. And of course impulse control issues. That's why I question whether I am being too hard on him because he really does have a serious condition. But there's only so much I can handle. I don't see a way round to be honest.
But I really did love him in spite of all his problems and I'm just so lost. How could he just destroy me and all we had with one thoughtless action? Can anyone help me make sense of things?