Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • everyone is blaming me by: KristinaS 11 years 7 months ago

    I finally got my husband to agree to seeing a psychiatrist. We live in France and I went through so many hoops to get us there - translating letters from French to English you name it. It has been truly awful. Despite a history of ADD-like problems at school, work and in previous relationships my husband managed to convince the psychiatrist that I'm the problem. My nagging and constant monitoring apparently puts him under so much stress that he forgets stuff and gets distracted etc. The psychiatrist called his family - who based on my husbands' reports - confirmed his view that the problem is me. So we came away with no diagnosis no treatment and a final conclusion that this is all 'marital stress'. You bet it is.

    I have never felt so isolated. I understand how this has happened - but I can't bear it anymore. I've had three years of of being told any mishap is because of me - and I just cannot bear it anymore. My heart is broken. I don;t know how to get out of this now. I;m stuck in a French farmhouse with dry rot and I've lost my life.

    I have read the book. It describes my life to a T. I know I'm supposed to show compassion and now and praise the positives and god knows what else. But I don;t know if I have anything left.

    How do you get out of the hole?

    Kristina

  • My ADHD guy is in so-o much pain by: I'm So Exhausted 11 years 7 months ago

    My spouse is hurting.  He is the place I want to sweep in and fix - because I really do have that power.  Bent.  Yield.  Change my mind.  

    He is crying over the money we have spent on counseling over the past 29 years.

    He is crying and shaking over the physical connection he has put between his deceased parents and the RV we purchased with some of the $$ he inherited when they passed.  He doesn't want to sell it - he doesn't want to share it - but he will not take the time off from work to use it, so it is slowly depreciating . . . . .and that makes it a thorn in MY side.

    He is mad I made an 'executive decision' without him.  I said I wanted to lend the RV to my niece for a weekend. That is all.  When he started to complain, I said I wasn't asking for permission, I just wanted to let him know I wanted to let her use it.  This was not a 'life' decision.  It was not moving to a new state, nor buying a new house, nor spending a great amount of money.

    So, now I am stuck with feeling like I am being controlled with his anger.  I am trying to stay calm.  I am trying to understand his feelings, yet not let them control me.   

    It is extremely scary.  He is in a rage.  He is crying and sobbing and saying how he has no friends and doesn't want to talk to clergy because they let him down and he has no friends and he has no family - he does, but they are all angry with each other.

    I listened.  He cried , "Thanks for listening."  Then went outside.

    He is emotionally connected to everything we own.  It is his way or the highway.  Do I just steer clear?  Do I call someone?  

    Yes, I am tired of being controlled by his anger, yet this situation has me in a panic.

    Maybe it is co-dependency.  

    He listens to no one.  He makes statements, and pronounces judgments, and expects everyone to all just nod and agree.  If not, we are 'against' him.

    It is so hard to watch someone self-implode. 

    I have said it before, I spent 29 years catering to his anger, bending, and yielding, because I feared, well I feared what is happening right now.  I feel as I pulled the rug out from under him. The one person who catered to him.  And enabled.  Sigh.  

    I am so lost today.

  • My ADHD: academic struggles and lack of awareness by: jon jon 11 years 7 months ago

    As a child, about the age of 8, I was diagnosed with ADHD.  I was given medication (Ritalin) and sent on my way. After being singled out every year of school after that-told I was LD and frequently embarrassed in class by the teacher, I decided to learn some strategies to help me concentrate in school. I started by marking the time on the clock on the wall and trying to attend to the teacher as long as I could while trying to absorb every single word and understand what she was saying. And when there was a pause, I would look up at the clock to see how long I was focused on her. I ultimately stopped taking ritalin because I didn't want a crutch and I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it and that I wasn't a failure. The time was short at first and then it got better. I eventually stopped looking at the clock, I filtered out unimportant things, turned my brain on like a tape recorder. That worked for me.  Prolonged concentration became easier for me. I noticed my grades started improving and by the time I finished highschool, I had a 3.2 GPA. Cumulative 2.8, but I passed. My first 6 months in college were okay, then I was hit by too many distractions, I lost my focus and dropped out of one college after two years and transferred to another for a fresh start. Ended up changing my major 6 times and eventually dropped out again after 2 years. Went back to school-community college this time and went to my original major and was not able to get into the program. Decided to switch to a sister program and got in. Spent 4 years in a 2 year institution. As adulthood had fully set in, I had 2 part time jobs working 2nd and 3rd shift while in school full time. I ultimately passed and began working. Work was very easy for me because I was able to use a lot of strategies to be successful. I often didn't have to think twice about it. Of course, I decided to go to grad school and finish what I started. I would have my master's in 3 years if I did it right. I was hit by the distractions of life and after the first semester I got booted out. I had to wait a year then restart. I made it somehow getting through the premature birth of my daughter, moving 2 times for employment, frequent threats of divorce, loss of identity, the writing off of my family, occasional organization problems at work, isolation and the inner turmoil of my own efficacy. I passed by the skin of my teeth relying heavily on my classmates to clarify things for me and helping me stay organized. I re-took 2 courses when they came back around the following year. I had to retake my national board certification and because I missed a few things regarding my licensure, I have to wait jobless for another week for my background check to be completed. I had realized by the end, that my strategies were no longer really working and didn't have enough time nor energy to refine them. My lack of awareness is my biggest limitation I believe. 

    Life at home has been very rough. Up until 2 weeks ago, I really thought my wife hated me. She yelled at me all the time telling me I have to "man up" and "get my shit together." I had no idea what she was talking about. We've been on the brink of divorce for about 2-5 years with intermittent spells of incredible bliss. I had to cut all ties with my family because of their hatefulness towards our relationship, so that ended some fights between us. When I started clinicals, I began cleaning the house more often and caring even more for the needs of my daughter. My wife and I agreed that she was the financial chief in our home and that was settled because I was not as good as she was at it. When everything was done, things began to slip at home. I would not pay attention to how hot the stove was when I was cooking, I'd leave the front door unlocked, I miss my street while driving, I'd forget to answer emails, call certain people back, take the trash out, etc. My wife just began to get more and more angry with me and I didn't know why. I was doing everything I possibly could to mend our marriage, be responsible and have things done before she could even think about it. Nothing has worked and I don't know how to make anything better. Of course I'm jobless right now, that doesn't help. I'm not aware of many things that make her angry. She's fed up and so am I. We finally put it together that it was more of an adult version of ADHD. I've been off of any ADHD medication for about 20 years and I'm really considering seeing the doctor, get diagnosed to get back on medication in hopes that my concentration can be restored and our marriage can begin to mend. Today, we took our daughter to see a kids show. I was short on paying the parking attendant and we were going to be late for the start of the show. While my wife had our daughter, I ran to the ATM then the parking attendant to pay him. I also asked for the quickest route from the parking garage to the theater. When I turned around my wife and daughter weren't behind me. I walked back into the parking garage and my wife had flames in her eyes. She said I disappeared and she couldn't find me. Two families were helping her find me and I had left my bank card in the machine. I thought she was with me the entire time. I need to get some help before something bad happens. I'm very discouraged. 

  • New to ADHD - my story by: Misty 11 years 7 months ago

    I wasn’t sure whether to post this as a vent or a story of hope – I’ve gone with hope – because as you will see I’m a bit of an optimist – but maybe I shouldn’t be!


    I’ve been with my partner for over 20 years and he has just been diagnosed with adult ADHD. I’ve read through a lot of posts on this site and there are some aspects that for us in our relationship have just never manifested. My husband is extraordinarily even tempered. I would go as far to say he is fearful of conflict and will do everything in his power to avoid it. To the outside world we have the appearance of a very happy family…and to be fair, on most days in our house – despite the challenge and stress of raising two young kids – we are a good team. We are kind to each other and have a good friendship. He is a hands on, helpful partner. I don’t have to nag. In fact if anything I could probably do a bit more to help.


    But of course, there are some serious problems. At the beginning of our relationship he was battling alcoholism. He was successful in this and now just doesn’t drink. It was all so long ago that drining doesn’t impact our relationship at all.
    Then 10 years ago he admitted to me that he had seen a prostitute. This shocked me to the core as it seemed so out of character. We sought marriage counselling and after a tough year moved on.


    Fast forward to February this year. After an ordinary night (no fights or arguments) I woke up and found he had gone. He had left a note apologising that he had seen prostitutes again. He had contracted genital warts and didn’t know how to tell me he had put my health at risk. He left his mobile on his desk at work which he had cleared out. This disappearance had been planned by him for months – all without my knowledge, and even with hindsight there were very few warning signs that this was on the cards.  After 48 hours of not knowing, a police hunt and fearing the worst, he finally called his mum and was admitted to hospital with ‘major depression’.


    The biggest challenge for me has been to come to terms with his dishonesty. I have accepted what had happened with the prostitutes and worked through the process of forgiveness quickly (it was easier as I’d been through it 10 years earlier). However after being out of hospital a month he dropped another bombshell – he had also had a one night stand with a friend. This was now about 14 years ago. That one was hard to accept – but following this revelation came a diagnosis of ADHD (a ‘classic case apparently!) which at least to me explained his lack of impulse control – and of course I can understand keeping that a secret – as hurtful as that is.


    He met a girl during his recent hospital stay who was flirting with him and they exchanged numbers. I was not happy, but OK with this, as at least I knew. He said when she asked for his number he didn’t know how to say no, and I understand the social awkwardness of that  - but given his lack of impulse control pointed out that I thought contact was unwise. Then he admitted to looking her up on facebook (not to ‘friend’ her as he isn’t on facebook, but just to check out her pictures). I wasn’t happy about that. He said he would discuss it with his psychologist.  After his psychologist visit he came home and told me he’d made a decision to delete her number from his phone. He just felt that was the right thing to do.


    However I checked his phone. He had deleted her number, but he’d first emailed her number to his work. I don’t understand why he lied about deleting her number. I didn’t ask him to delete her number – he didn’t have to lie about that, I didn’t back him into a corner. He tells me he just can’t help lying. He knows he is doing it but he doesn’t know why. He has now admitted he has lied about all sorts of little things over his whole life and lots of lies to me in our 20 year together. Like pretending to be sick and not going to work. Having the odd drink, finding my family irritating, wanting to hurt himself, coming home at lunch to watch porn. Some of it is stuff that I just don’t really think he needed to lie about. Now I just don’t know what is real and what is not. I can handle most things, but not the dishonesty. To me, that leads back to the leaving of another note and disappearance, and I just don’t think I can put myself or my kids through that again.


    My hope is that the compulsive lying is a symptom of ADHD. I know not everyone would have that symptom. ADHD seems to manifest in such a variety of different ways, and I’m new to it and still trying to understand it. What I need to know is if lying is a symptom of ADHD or something else. I’m pinning all my hopes on a diagnosis of ADHD being correct and treatment managing the lying (and the reckless, impulsive behaviours) but really, mainly the lying. Do you or your partner have ADHD that looks like my husbands? Has anyone successfully overcome this level of deceit in a marriage?  I’m feeling a bit isolated and confused with all this.

  • MY focus by: jennalemon 11 years 7 months ago

    Daily I think of the person I once was and the person I have now become inside of myself.  I can't believe how I have changed.  I used to be SUPER competent, happy inside, well-adjusted, good outlook, faith-filled.  I know about operant conditioning and feel that while dh has made some advances in his standard of living since we married and I have been a good influence on him, I have compromised myself into being LESS THAN I was because of my constant allowances and trying to understand him and be WITH him.  My focus today, and for the next year, is to heal myself.  To wake in the morning and FEEL the beauty of LIFE and appreciate the birds singing and sunlight shining through windows again.  Can I heal myself while the cause of my downfall is still in my life?  It is like I am trying to hear birds singing while there is a huge boulder tumbling down the mountain towards our house and family and I am the only one able to see/hear it coming for our eventual ruin. Everyone else is distracted from its reality and won't listen when I tell them about my fears and anxiety about the boulder.  I have been able to keep the boulder from crushing us through my own will-power and determination and working hard to build and repair the mountain supports but I am getting too tired to keep that up anymore. AND there is a feeling of unreality that I am doing this alone. It feels crazy that dh goes about his silliness and does not plan ahead or even be aware of his own or our family's security in life.  I have to move out of the way of the boulder (the financial crush and breakdown of relationship/family and losing the home) and lose everything I have worked for and loved for all my life.  OR surrender to the crash. 

    There is no house next door, family member, or other place to go to.  I would be without a home.  I have been doing my own denial and distraction...not wanting to see the ruination that ADD has been causing in our lives.  Trying to feel the pleasure of the birds singing in the morning and ignoring the boulder that is on its way is my own dance with unreality of coping.  When I write on this board it is toward my own acceptance of what is really going on.  Sometimes I re-read my own posts and don't recognize the person who is in this situation I describe...but it is more true than the person I am in my daily life of coping.  I tend to sugar coat and smooth over everything in real life.

    Still, I know that if I focus on what is bad, only more bad will come my way and you tend to get stuck there....where I am.  The only way to move out of a dangerous situation is to look outward toward a better place to be and a better way to be and focus on getting there.

  • Inability to see consequences of ADD on relationship by: Beachlover68 11 years 7 months ago

    I have been married for 18 yrs to an ADD spouse.  His ADD has gotten worse over the years.  The biggest things we struggle with are is general inattentiveness to the relationship, chronic lateness, clutter with all his belongings and inability to but anything where it belongs.  He seems incapable of seeing how these things negatively affect me and our household.  I'm always supposed to be the understanding wife.  I get very weary of it and stay stressed out much of the time.  It has gotten to the point that we are very testy with each other most of the time and always on the defensive.  It is a very unhealthy way to live. 

  • Ambivalent Non-ADHD Spouse by: goldman67 11 years 7 months ago

    I'm 46 and have been diagnosed with ADHD for about five years.  I have been taking 36mg of concerta daily but am feeling as though I may need to titrate up a bit or change the meds as my distraction level is high. I have not engaged in any talk therapy or ADD coaching since being diagnosed.  

    I have recently become interested in exploring how ADHD has effected my marriage.  I am reading Melissa's book and finding so much of it ringing true.  My marriage is not in crisis and we generally function pretty well after 17 years of marriage, three kids, and lots of negotiating about how to handle the varied situations that come along with my distractions.  However, I'd like to improve our relationship and also my ability to manage my condition.  My wife is concerned, since I'm retired quite early, that I simply have too much time on my hands and am looking for problems that may not exist.  I asked her to read Melissa's book, which she agreed to do, and to sign up for the live course, which she has not entirely agreed to do.  I believe she thinks that I will use my explorations into how ADD is effecting us as an excuse for not pulling my weight in the house or in the relationship.  I assured her that this was not my intention and that I only want to improve on what we have.  My wife is very smart, and extremely even keeled (except when she is forced to deal with my ADD).  I'm sure her calm sensibility is one of the things that attracted me to her years ago.  Has anyone else encountered ambivalence with a spouse not wanting to explore how ADD is effecting the relationship/family?  As I said, she is reading the book but it seems perfunctory and a chore rather than an opportunity for us to improve.  Any advice is appreciated.

  • We need help!!!! Finding A good therapist seems impossible!!! by: sksoter05 11 years 7 months ago

    My ADHD husband and I have been struggling for several years with symptoms from his ADHD. I'm finding our story is the same as many of you, after reading through the forum and reading "The ADHD Effect on Marriage". So My Husband has finally agreed to search for a therapist, take medication, or whatever it takes to treat these symptoms that are causing turmoil in our day to day lives. Now I feel like we are at a stand still. The very few therapists we have found that deal with adult ADHD are booked months in advance. Others specialize in children or do not deal with ADHD. I am afraid if we do not get the ball rolling while this is still fresh in my husbands mind it will loose its importance, and he will forget everything we have discussed and how I am feeling. I know my marriage is not a life and death situation to others, but if we do not find help soon, It could mean the death of our marriage. Which is something that we both believe can be avoided with the right help. 

  • First night away from ADHD partner after separation. by: MichaelADD 11 years 7 months ago

    Hi guys,

    I have posted on here before and vented my frustrations but tonight I'm heart broken. I just separated from my ADHD partner and have moved out. Today was spent moving all my stuff up to my dads house and now here I am alone with my thoughts (I also have ADHD) and feel anxious and unettled.

    Brief summary for separation - my partner doesn't take her ADHD seriously enough and has jot been actively doing anything about it or managing it. She doesn't see the impact that it has on me and our relationship. All the things she says she will do and doesn't follow through, the escalation of a series of these types of non happening promises accumulating into much frustration and arguments which I get made to feel like I'm the one that has done something wrong. I'm sick of picking up the slack in our home day to day... Dishes, house work ect although recently it has been better though still well below par.

    On Sunday night I took my beloved partner away for a romantic night away somewhere beautiful. An expensive hotel room which has a jacuzzi and sauna in the room! The towels were shaped like swans into a heart on the bed with rose petals and one red rosé for her with a box of chocolates waiting for her when she arrived. She loved it and was crying with happiness. The previous night she stayed out till 4:30am drinking and smoking weed which affected her tiredness the next day. This 'next day' that was suppose to be a wonderful day spend together having Quality time with a capital Q was ruined by my partner and her ADHD running amok. She snapped at me for gently waking her and telling her that breakfast in bed was coming, I cried and was feeling so upset thinking "does she appreciate what I've done for her and all the trouble I've went to? Surely she wouldn't speak to me like that if she did?". 

     

    I limped on upset but trying to get out the shock and pain of being treated that way till we left the hotel. She didn't get to fix her hair and spent the next couple of hours looking for a salon to blow dry her hair, distracted and unable to fully focus and participate in our quality time until this was done. Eventually when she did find somewhere a 20 minute blow dry turned into AN HOUR AND A HALF! I waited outside and sauntered about the town like a right fool waiting for her. In the salon she somehow got talked into having a treatment done on her hair as well? I mean what made her think this was okay given the fact I had been considerate enough to sacrifice some of our time to let her get her hair done to make her feel more comfortable about her wet wild undone hair?! 

    I was furious and her reaction when she left the salon wasn't of horror and embarrassment at leaving me waiting like a spare part. It was her skipping towards me saying "I'm ready!". Just absolutely mental. The whole day had been spent on her getting her hair done instead of us spending the quality time together that I had hoped for. And also went to a lot of trouble organising, spent a lot of money and drove two and a half hours to get to. I immediately drove us the long journey home.

    The disappointment didn't kick in until that night and more so the next day but she doesn't get why in so angry. She says she does but her reactions are not appropriate to the situation and only aggravate me more and make my feelings worse. To the point I've had to leave her and move back into my dads house. There has been a long history of 'events' which have made me feel this way so it's a gradual build up of frustration and her lack of seriousness towards her ADHD and non action taking in learning about how it affects others around her makes the situation intolerable for me. I can't suffer anymore or being made to feel like like I'm overreacting anymore when she escalates the bad feeling by her inability to read and respond appropriately. I just get attitude and defensiveness which aggravates me more.

     

    any advice anyone? Thoughts? I have sent her a long email detailing clearly and directly why I'm so annoyed and why I have left so the ball is firmly in her court to respond, though I don't think she will. She's too ego driven and stubborn. It's like a defiant teenager. I'm 31!

    any words to help me sleep and stop my own anxiety and racing thoughts. My ADHD makes me very emotionally sensitive and situations turn through my head like torture! Think I'll have to take a diazepam!

    Thanks

  • Doubts by: jackrungh 11 years 7 months ago

    I am am about a month into this process of learning about ADHD and attempting to put in place some structure to mitigate my symptoms. There is so much overlap to our(wife and I) situation that I am confident that this is the root of the issue, but the more I read the more the overall summary of ADHD seems to veer off my experience. Specifically I was reading part of Melissa's book last night:

    "It’s like listening to a radio station with a lot of static and you have to strain to hear what’s going on. Or, it’s like trying to build a house of cards in a dust storm. You have to build a structure to protect yourself from the wind before you can even start on the cards.
    In other ways it’s like being supercharged all the time. You get one idea and you have to act on it, and then, what do you know, but you’ve got another idea before you’ve finished up with the first one, and so you go for that one, but of course a third idea intercepts the second, and you just have to follow that one, and pretty soon people are calling you disorganized and impulsive and all sorts of impolite words that miss the point completely. Because you’re trying really hard. It’s just that you have all these invisible vectors pulling you this way and that, which makes it really hard to stay on task. Plus, you’re spilling over all the time. You’re drumming your fingers, tapping your feet, humming a song, looking here, looking there, stretching, doodling, and people think you’re not paying attention or that you’re not interested, but all you’re doing is spilling over so that you can pay attention. I can pay a lot better attention when I’m taking a walk or listening to music or even when I’m in a crowded, noisy room than when I’m still and surrounded by silence.
    What is it like to have ADHD? Buzzing. Being here and there and everywhere. Someone once said, 'Time is the thing that keeps everything from happening all at once.' Time parcels moments out into separate bits so that we can do one thing at a time. In ADHD, this does not happen. In ADHD, time collapses. Time becomes a black hole. To the person with ADHD it feels as if everything is happening all at once. This creates a sense of inner turmoil or even panic. The individual loses perspective and the ability to prioritize. He or she is always on the go, trying to keep the world from caving in on top."

    Almost none of this is familiar. My brain isn't noisy and I don't feel like thoughts are in static. I don't feel overactive or impulsive. I tend to launch into whatever task comes in front of me, but not compulsively so. It's just a coping mechanism to get work done, going into a blaze of productivity is how my mind prefers to work. When I focus on something I only jump to other tasks in the same genre. If I'm cleaning I might leave every room cluttered with things off the floor because I'm sweeping the floor, and eventually when I'm done with sweeping I'll come back and do another subtask on all the rooms. My wife hates visible disorder and leaving the room unfinished drives her nuts. If I'm going down to the deep-freeze in the basement I'll see the laundry and cycle loads, coming back up with clean laundry and the frozen item. I have forgotten it entirely, but that is usually something I catch myself doing as I start to leave the basement. I guess on this one there is more overlap, but I really don't feel these "invisible vectors" pulling me any which way. It's just what is in front of my face and the actions triggered by looking at that scene.

    I can be totally still and serene. I have meditated without much issue, and working in complete silence is not a problem. I do not often tap or hum, and no one has ever commented that I'm fidgeting. Turmoil, panic, buzzing, static; I know not these things. There is only nonthought and the weight of knowing how much is stashed away.

    Time doesn't seem to happen all at once. The thing that really makes me wonder about ADHD is that I am not "busy", I do not initially feel inadequate (And when I come to reality I don't think I am garbage[In the wrong, and definitely messed-up, but not worthless]), I don't hesitate or distrust myself. As a teenager I was one arrogant bastard, and all the more encouraged because I could often live up to the arrogance. I deflect. I rationalize without being conscious of the rationalization process. I just do not think of things. The more I perceive a task/subject to be unpleasant, the more likely it is that it will vanish in the void. I lie and fabricate, tell the best possible version of events, and charm people. I often think about that classic trait of serial killers: superficial charm. I do this without intent or malice or any kind of ulterior motive, and there is no man behind the curtain gleefully watching the facade. If there is any motivation or introspection about this behavior, it is to realize the phrase, "everything's gonna be alright." When I was three and anything bad happened, my mother has told me I would hug the injured person and say these exact words.

    Right now I am typing here instead of doing work, and I assume that it will be fine because when I get on the conference call things will always turn the way that makes me look responsible. Most of the time I'll fly through an ultra-productive binge and get it all caught up, but I seem to crave falling behind. That stimulation of a crisis scenario definitely plays to me as ADHD.

    I'm on Vyvance and about to do the second jump up in dosage (to about the middle of the recommended range), and have not felt any massive change. Perhaps the fact that I've been on these forums seeking some kind of help and reading up on it is an effect of the Vyvance. I've been on Wellbutrin for years to combat depression, and I am certain that whatever disorder this is, dopamine is a huge factor. I'm just afraid that I'm barking up the wrong tree and wasting more time that my marriage cannot afford.

    P.S I always, always re-read online postings like this and made edits and modifications with the reader's POV in mind, but perhaps by not doing this my honest attempt to be "real" on these forums will be even more "real." I've not gone back and edited since finishing the narrative, but I cannot stop myself from going back and fixing spelling/grammatical mistakes. No content was harmed in the making of this vainly revised post.

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