The goal here is to note all "events" in my marriage. I hope that through this they won't fade away. Very shortly after an altercation I have a very hard time remembering what was said. Hopefully I can note details here and learn something from the reminder.
This is more for me than anything. Not actively looking for input or response, though that is welcome. Doing something like this in a journal is an activity I've always hated, and probably wouldn't follow through with.
I am interested in the job histories of those of you with ADHD (or of your ADHD spouses).
My Dh is 36. We married when he was 23, so soon after college. He is quite smart and had no problems (that I know of) making it through college. His degree is in economics with a minor in education. His first job was teaching econ/history at the high school level. He disliked it and after 3 years (completely hated it by then), he went back to school for a master's in accounting. I didn't think much of it, because a lot of people change career paths. Again, he did really well and even earned a leadership award.
He got a job as an intern at a tax firm and was hired on full-time. He was there 5 years. Towards the end, he had issues with some of the other staff and partners. He (stupidly) told the partners during tax season that this would be his last tax season there. In April, one of the partners asked if he had planned his last day. DH had not, so the partner set it for the end of April. I am pretty sure he would have been fired had he not already told them he planned to leave.
He had no job lined up (did I mention I was primarily a stay-at-home mom and we relied heavily on his income?), but interviewed and got two job offers. We decided to go with one that was about an hour and 15 minutes away with the plan of moving to be closer to our families. He commuted the first year, then we put our house up for sale the next summer. That fall, we stayed at his parents half the week so our son could go to preschool there to make the transition to moving easier. He was unexpectedly let go from that job at the end of Oct. (after a little over a year there...he also complained a lot about the partners) Thankfully, we had not sold our house yet.
He looked for jobs, collected unemployment, and I took a seasonal job at a retail store for extra income. He decided to start his own accounting business and work from home. I continued my retail job and we basically had opposite schedules to avoid paying for childcare. We never had time as a family together. We also had trouble making ends meet, even though we were both working like dogs. (Oh, I do have a degree in el. education, but could not find a job mid-year).
In the fall of 2011, he decided on his own he that he was going to look for a job at a firm again. I was thrilled, because this meant a steady paycheck instead of billing clients and waiting for them to pay. He has been at this tax firm less than two years and is complaining about everyone, and how he is the only problem-solver working way more hours than anyone else. He is working a ton of hours, but does not have to worry about any house/kid issues. That all falls on me. (I am not complaining, b/c I know things would be worse if I worked full-time and had to do all of that, too.) Based on his attitude, the writing is on the wall that he will either get fired or will quit.
I get he is working a ton of hours right now. But, I also know friends' husbands who work a lot, travel, etc. He acts like he is the only one. I really just want to say "suck it up and be happy you have a job." I want him to be content, but it now appears that there will never be anything that will make him happy. We are still paying on his school loans, so going back is out of the question. He says he likes what he does (the actual work he does), but just can't work in a firm. He tried working for himself, but could not take on enough clients to make decent money (the work is out there, he just can't handle too much of it.) I really don't know what he plans to do, but I pray he does not up and quit without something else lined up. He thinks that will cure him of his misery, but does not think of how we will pay our bills, keep our house, etc.
I work several part-time jobs right now to help out. My youngest starts school next year and I did not plan on going back to teaching full-time because I do all of the housework/afterschool activities, etc. (Dh doesn't want this either.) But, I am thinking I will have to so we can at least have one person with a steady job.
Sorry this ended up being so long. I would love to compare other ADHDers to see how common job hopping is.
Sometimes I remind myself that people are allowed to have different expectations and desires, from things like the temperature of the soup to things like marriage. I think that perhaps my husband's expectation of and desire for marriage is that it will be an undertaking to which he need not make any contributions. My expectation and desire, in contrast, is that it be a joint undertaking. Is it acceptable for me to end the marriage for this reason?
I have anxiety and ADHD, both of which I am treating. Anxiety is the greater challenge, and in the past I have been rather hot-headed and prone to making huge issues out of tiny ones. Lately with the help of meds, I've been able to notice that not every issue in our relationship is my fault. My boyfriend also has an anxiety disorder, but refuses to recognize it. His stress can be off the charts, usually resulting in 3-6 days of unendurable crankiness. We don't live together, so I avoid him when he gets into one of these moods.
Yesterday we went to the baseball game with our friend James. Before we got there, I lost my patience and snapped at him over what proved to be a hot-button issue for him. I sincerely apologized and hugged him. But instead, he shook me off, tore into me, and told me not to talk to him. (That's pretty unusual.) We went to our seats, but after one inning I couldn't take the tension, so I excused myself and watched the rest of the game from the gift shop. When it was time to leave, I walked ahead alone. We got to the car and he asked me "What was that all about?" and I explained honestly (and with no tone in my voice) that I felt extremely uncomfortable and thought he and James would have a better time if I left. He didn't speak to me for the rest of the ride home, and when James left, I told my boyfriend, "I know you don't want me to talk to you, and so I'll honor that, but... I'm sorry."
And... Silence. For the rest of the evening.
My boyfriend does this all the time, especially when he's stressed. He says isolating himself from me after an argument is his way of clearing his head. He says he needs his space. But is the silent treatment really the same thing as needing space? I think an hour or two of going to our separate corners and taking a breather is normal, but all night? Depending on how big the issue was, he might isolate himself for up to a week. He claims he is not ignoring me, and also that he isn't spending the time sulking, but there is no communication from him whatsoever. I am glad to give him his space, but I feel that isolation from each other for more than 3-4 hours is ridiculous. What do you all think? Is this normal?
We've talked about this a zillion times before, and he knows this hurts me deeply. I feel so disrespected and depressed. We've been together for over two years, and I don't deserve to be isolated for days on end. How can this behavior work in a marriage? Will he refuse to speak to me and sleep on the couch? This does not seem normal, but there's nothing I can do to change it. He refuses to see it as a problem, and says I just don't understand what "needing space" is.
Hello - I am new and here is my story:
I am living with a man that I am totally in love with - we have been together for over 2 years, and lived together for almost 1 year. We both have great jobs and many hobbies. He has suffered from ADD his whole life, but only in the last year or so has he been interested in looking for a 'solution'. Our relationship has been full of hardships, fights, and disagreements on everything from sex to commitment, but only in the last few weeks have we both agreed that my partners ADD has been a catalyst for all of the issues we have had.
Currently he has an appointment with a Doc which he would really like to begin taking medication. Meanwhile - now that we both are aware of the problems that his ADD causes we are fighting very hard to stop the cycle of problems associated with it. Ex. - I feel neglected, therefor I 'nag' or remind him that I need love and affection, this makes him upset which causes him to become angry or just totally silent and shut-down and REPEAT.
I know that sometimes I say things in a very critical way - he has even said it feels like I am treating him like he is a child and I am reprimanding him, or 'bringing him down' or making him feel bad about the way he is. I try my best not to communicate like this - but it is so difficult because there are some days that he responds well to simple, short sentences like "when you do ______ I feel _____" or "it is really hard for us to _____ if we are dealing with ____". But it seems like there is no GOOD way to communicate my feelings in a way that makes him understand - or if there is a way I feel like it is different every single day.
Does any one have experience with this?
We have both decided to fight hard for this to work, but if there is ZERO progress in 6 months, then we have both decided to split ways. We have come very far considering the things we have delt with together, but at this point I am making him feel like he sucks and he is making me feel the same way - its just not fair to do since we love each other very much.
Thank you - any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated.
Hi. Here are some things I've done that have helped me and some ways I've interacted differently with my husband lately that seem to have been improvements.
1) Doing fun things on my own. I've been watching movies on DVD from the library and watching things on TV that I like.
2) Buying a few things for myself. I got a cellphone (yep, my first one; just for emergencies, really, but still). I also bought an iPod shuffle to keep me distracted during an upcoming flight; I'm a fearful flyer.
3) Trying to find a compromise between my husband's absolute avoidance and denial and my "we must deal with this issue" assertiveness. I said that I'd limit my airing of problems to 15 minutes per night -- when he's at home -- which is only 3 nights per week. This gives my husband a break from the sometimes late-in-the-evening "heavy" conversations and forces me to focus and decide what I really want to get off my chest and onto the table.
4) Being direct about problems (see 3) above). For example, my husband didn't respond to any email messages I sent him this weekend that concerned a task he volunteered and promised to do. (Situations in which his failure to do a chore balloon into a disagreement that allows him to focus on my nagging and bad communication are common around here.) After two days of no response to my two messages ("Did you do such and such..."), I started getting upset. Today, I made a succinct list of how the situation had unfolded (i.e., "I sent you an email." "You didn't respond." "I sent another email." "You didn't respond again." and so on down the line, all 13 steps spelled out in a total of 100 words or less). I asked him to read the list this evening and then I explained that if he had responded to my question after the first time I asked, 9 of the 13 painful steps could have been eliminated. Then I asked him to talk to his therapist about this issue (inability/unwillingness to see when he's setting up a little problem to turn into a big one). Then I changed the subject to something more chatty.
5) Not being snarky when making requests. Tonight, he offered to vacuum at 10 p.m. I asked him to respect my schedule (liking quiet at bedtime) rather than his (not doing anything in the morning before he leaves for his part-time job at 11 a.m.) and do the vacuuming in the morning.
Hello all, I am married to my husband for 8 years and have recently dicovered that he is most likely ADD. I had been having cognitive behavioural therapy to deal with my regular feelings of worthlessness. I searched all through my past to find aswers and then one day I stumbled across an article entitled something like 'living with someone with ADHD' and it was like it had been written about my husband. I remember where the feeligs of worthlessness began when we first moved in together, a new relationship and he sat by the window people watchng for hours. I showed the article to him thinking he'd pass it off or make a joke about it, well he did make a joke about it but also agreed that he may be ADD. He has never read a book or watched a film. Hes either on the go or snoring, theres no in between. I can handle that, but what Im strugglng with is his constant frustration and never being satisfied. I used to take it personally and that wiped out my self esteem, but now Im trying not to take things personally when he thinks everyone else has more than him (they really dont). I realise that its not about me, its about him. I find myself constantly trying to please him. I dont think he will ever be truly happy. Even if he did win the lottery. He is currently working nights which is when I find him hardest to manage. He doesnt sleep enough and sits on the sofa with no energy complaining that theres not enough going on in the house and theres nothing to do! we have 4 dogs, two kids and we both work so this really doesnt make sense! He doesnt seem to know whether hes coming or going. I feel sorry for him sometimes, but I feel dragged down by it too at times. I try so hard to maintain a consistent frame of mind for myself but he hurts me alot, even though he loves me as much as any man could love a woman, he would die for me and the kids. Thats another thing.. Im constantly mediating between him and the kids. Does any of this sound familiar or maybe just a normal marriage?
ps he'd never take medication for it so Id have to look for other ways to help.
Do any of you non-ADDers feel like your whole personality is having to change to live with your ADDer? I have been dealing with this for over 30 years. Not only am I on Xanax, Ambien, and Celexa, but who I am is completely different than who I used to be. I know most of you are laughing saying IT'S THE DRUGS GOOFY!, but it isn't. We all know that "controlling our emotions" is essential in our marriage, but I have begun to avoid my husband because I don't WANT to have to control my emotions. I used to be extremely out-going, but lately I have become the "quiet one" in my group. I'm finding it difficult to even have a conversation with my girlfriends. I feel like zombie-girl. Also, my memory is bizarre because I can totally and completely forget what I did the night before. Having to have such a tight rein on everything that comes out of my mouth appears to be making me not want to talk at all. My husband has moments of clarity, but for the most part he seems to walk around in a fog. I can't tell what he is thinking or NOT thinking because he rarely says. I am hiding out most of the time, and losing myself in the process. When I spend time with "normal" people, I dread going home because the comparison is so depressing.
I haven't posted on here for a few months, since before hubby got his prescription for methylphenidate. He's on a time-release form and takes it once in the morning.
There has been a significant difference in his behavior-- not like night and day-- but significant. It is easier to get his attention when I want to speak to him, he is more apt to listen, and he gets more done. Our son notices it too. He is happy that his dad actually hears and pays attention better.
One morning I was getting frustrated with dh and I snapped at him, "Did you take your meds today??" He said "No". I wasn't actually expecting that answer. So it IS the meds working.
One thing that has driven me nuts over the years is his disorganization and packrat behavior-- He tries to organize and purge his junk but mostly ends up just moving it around. But-- in the last few weeks he's thrown out more crap than he has in the last few years of trying. I think the meds help him to focus and prioritize on what he needs and what he doesn't. He also says he gets a lot more done at work.
I think he is still less focused than the average person but it is now at the point where we can deal with it.
The biggest problem now is trying to unravel automatic pattern behaviors that have been created over the years of dealing with the ADD. We may get counseling at some point but we're pretty conscious people so we are often able to catch ourselves when we fall into useless patterns.
To conclude, Ritalin is worth trying.
Just found this site and I am horrified at the stories of lying, cheating and infidelity. I have dated a man for over a year but recently found some activity on his computer like you all - hookup sites, texting, etc. Of course denying it was nothing or "just looking." Still don't believe that. Upon the recent discovery, he agreed to go to counseling for his ADHD. He is early 40's, never married, no real long term relationships and wants to find out why he can't seem to stay in a relationship, why he loses focus so easily. He is very organized, takes care of things, not lazy, works out, good job, (probably his ocd) has a good heart, is good to me, but has a hard time opening up emotionally (might be adhd might be childhood stuff) and expressing his feelings. I can handle the not opening up part but it's the seeking out other women part that frightens me. He says he loves me and wants to make this to work and have a lot in common, so it doesn't appear he's looking to find another woman for long term. I do want to give him a chance but after reading this site, I am so scared. Is getting counseling and possibly on meds early on in a relationship a sign of hope or willingness - we are not married - or are these people just doomed. If it was just the lack of opening up that would be one thing but the hookup sites??? Can the ADHD/OCD guy ever kick the need for stimulation in this area and really be faithful? He says he doesn't want to be alone the rest of his life and wants to figure out how to prevent that. He does seem like the type of person to better himself but his "just looking" went on for a while before I found out. and the texting after about 10 months into our relationship. he did check out other women frequently but has sense stopped doing that while with me. Are these guys just not able to control themselves in this area? I don't want to move forward get married and discover I'm living with a cheating lying monster.
