I found this forum last night in desperation after a huge fight my wife and I had. I really should have posted then, because with time my resolve to reach out like this wanes. It was very late though, and I had to weigh unhealthy behaviors. The reason I am posting here is that our marriage is in a very bad place, and I'm too messed up to even know how to move in a positive direction. There is so much detail to give, so instead of writing everything and never submitting, this may come in installments. I have seen the posts and responses here and there is so much overlap to our situation that I hope for some positive suggestions. I am going to try to force myself to be as honest as I can, and fight my urge to save face. This instinct is part of the problem as you will see.

We are in our late twenties and have three children. We met online platonically but became romantic almost by accident a few days into a summer visit to her house. We married in December of 2008, but had moved in together earlier in 2007. Our oldest son (R) was born that same December(Before marriage), our daughter (E) was born in June of 2010, and our youngest son (T) in February 2012. We have been busy, we married young, early, and without regard for the usual sequence of things(We planned all conceptions). Regardless of mental illness I expect the old folks would have given very slim odds on this marriage's success.

She is a former first grade teacher, and I am in IT, a datacenter engineer. Shortly before moving in with my wife I was in the last stages of failing out of college. I went for an Anthropology degree despite technical ability because my girlfriend all through college chose it. When I moved in with my wife I got a job at a temp agency doing technical troubleshooting for the employee-facing call center of a major corporation. Something about work never seemed to be tainted by my issues, and I worked my way up within the company. After a few weeks I moved to a desktop support team and was hired by the company, after another year I moved to a desktop environment infrastructure team, after two years I moved to a Unix/Linux datacenter engineering team, and I just three weeks ago left the company and effectively doubled my salary accepting a contract-to-hire Linux developer position. What I do now is very high level IT work, with the only major technical step up being systems architectural design and solutioning of best practices for the large enterprise. Did I just start bragging for no reason? I suppose so; I'm vain and contrarian. For instance I derive immature satisfaction from succeeding in spite of attempts to sabotage things. The reason I started going off about the job is that I can hold one, and am held in high regard by my managers. Something about that world is concrete and effortless, and not just the technical stuff. I can lead discussion confidently on conference calls and conference rooms. I don't naturally go there, but I believe I can be charming and very political when necessary. As I said I'm very good at painting a rosy picture and rolling with an image. These images are not inherently false. I have to admit that without the healthy structure of family life it would probably fall apart into ruin. My wife is the source of that structure. As our relationship has withered, I am less attentive to work, but can get the work done, and play the part to maintain that reputation. I work 100% from home and only go into the corporate office every once in a while, so we are all together all the time.

She left teaching a few months after R was born, and has been home with the kids since then. She's become a family photographer, gotten big into digital scrapbooking, finds amazing deals for resale, got us into cloth diapering, saves us hundreds couponing, and in general never stops working on something. She homeschools the children thus far, and probably will continue in that direction. The oldest two have both been diagnosed with autism, and our life is filled with speech sessions, ABA therapy, and doctor visits. She does all of this almost entirely by herself. T is too young (13 months) to be diagnosed, but has a 1 in 3 chance of being on the spectrum. R and E are very high functioning to the point where with dedicated therapy and work they could test as not autistic and lead normal lives. Work with R has been ongoing since he was diagnosed in Oct 2011. E's autism is seemingly milder and she has been in speech sessions. As I said, even without mental illness, there is no shortage of marital challenges.

In April 2012 we moved across the country to the house I grew up in. My parents are living out of state at the moment and it was sitting empty. We completed a short sale on the home she owned (and we lived in) before we got together because of the expense related to autism treatment. At one point we had R in daily speech therapy, and you don't want to know what that costs. We are set up in this house for the next few months at least, but have been looking at the housing market and building up a decent down payment. Fortunately any credit impact from the short sale will have no impact on the new house as my name was not on the loan.

In 2006 I was still ostensibly in school and had a complete breakdown. I was living alone in an apartment at the time, and just stopped leaving. I stayed in, killed time reading and playing video games, stopped taking care of myself almost entirely, it was bad. I moved home and started therapy with a clinical depression diagnosis. I got on Wellbutrin and stabilized out of the danger zone. I'd like to think that therapy and meds did more of the turnaround, but honestly I think it just got me stable and acceptable enough to attract my wife, and her nature as a planning pragmatist realist supplied the environment that led to some kind of productive life. I've been on Wellbutrin ever since then, and the one or two times over the years I have lapsed in taking it have been noticed.
After last summer we started to have very much more intense fights. For the first time she was seriously threatening to leave, and intentionally using words that spell the end of a relationship. In October I started going to see a psychologist for the first time since 2008, and she brought up ADHD for the first time in my therapeutic history. Depression, ADHD, and the executive functions all have significant overlap, so I really have no idea what clinical words are best to describe my neurology. After a few sessions my wife started seeing the same psychologist in her own individual sessions. This was the first time that we engaged outside help to try to resolve marital issues. I think eventually the idea was that we start having couples sessions, and having the same impartial third-party have a complete immersion into both of our viewpoints seemed like it would be helpful. I think she was making some serious effort to be more tolerant and roll with schedule changes(I have almost no ability to predict how long something will take, or plan accurately, and I often get lost in what I am doing.) With this new job we have a lapse between insurance coverage, and we have those sessions on hold because COBRA is insanely expensive. I think these sessions were doing some good, but we have not had any joint sessions to date. At the end of January I got on 30mg Vyvanse, and just this month went up to 40mg. I'm not really sure if I notice a difference. I really hope that this at a higher dose or some other medication will help. My problem isn't staying focused or jumping from thing to thing. My problem is that especially unpleasant or difficult tasks just never come to consciousness or important but uncomfortable truths or event just get put away into the realm of non-thought. It's prioritization of tasks, motivation, and goal setting. I have a hard time coming up with goals at all, and mostly just see what life brings. This attitude is a healthy response to some situations, and very unhealthy to others. Most of our life right now involves those other situations.

Our entire marriage we have seemingly had the same fight. It has only gotten into scary and dangerous territory since autism, and really only this severe since we moved, but the themes are the same. It seems like many wives on this board put up with an insane amount of crap, and I think our elevated stress level with autism severely lowers her already-substantial tolerance for my insane crap. I think being in my parent's house is an extra layer of stress that she can ill afford. I say she and not we because I don't stress. I get stressed in the sense that a massive weight builds on my shoulders, and I begin to feel the weight of my inaction and disengagement, but stressing thoughts don't whiz around in my brain. I simply turn them off. I have done this since forever, and it is a major problem. Orwell's doublethink would be doublepluseasy to master. I can stick my head in the sand and fiddle while my world burns around me. I come up for air for a reality check far too little. I am worried that this is something about me that just cannot change. I don't particularly enjoy the end result.

I am very conflict averse, and will shape reality in such a way that things are OK, and I am the good guy. Our fights consist of her yelling and screaming and me standing there silent wanting to it to be over. Since I only come up for air during these fights I come off as fake to her when I express my feeling for her and my desire to preserve our life and family. I am sincere in these moments, at least as sincere as I know how to be, but in time rationalization and non-thought returns the status-quo. When we really go the distance and she lays everything on the table I end up pretty much agreeing with her on all counts. She says she has no love for me any longer, that she cannot trust me and that I do nothing to be there for her emotionally. She thinks that I do not care about her or the children or anything really, and while I don't want that to be true, and vehemently struggle against the possibility of that being true, I cannot help but wonder if I have nothing to offer but shallow facsimiles of love.
Last night after she went to bed, I was scanning these forums and the thought of losing her and the kids left me shaking and in tears. Am I just psyching myself up to stir some proof of feeling? Is it really loss of her herself or just the role she plays? These are ugly thoughts that I would so like to dismiss, but at this point I have to confess that I know nothing about myself. I don't often lie to her with direct intent to deceive, but I tell her the lies I have told to myself. She is a strong, responsible, sexy woman, and even if I had a leg to stand on wishing she were different in this way or that, the wish list would be tiny.

The following is an average day. Kids wake up anywhere from 6:30 to 7:30, I go down with them and serve breakfast at the dining room table. My wife sleeps in a little and showers, finishing just about the time we head upstairs. She takes the kids into the playroom and I get ready for the day. I sit down at my computer in the study and work. She plays with the kids in the playroom and in the bedroom with the train table. She incorporates homeschooling lessons into this. We go down for lunch and feed the kids. Shortly after lunch on most days R's ABA therapist shows up, usually from 1:00 to 3:00. My wife and the other two kids play outside the play room while R does therapy. I try to wrap up work around 5:00, and we go downstairs to cook dinner. We eat all our meals at the dining room table, and most meals are prepared in advance and frozen. We do this thing called once a month cooking where for one day during the month my wife and I cook for several hours straight, putting meals in gallon freezer bags for every meal of the month. After dinner we head upstairs for bathtime. Bathtime usually ends around 6:00 or 6:30, and the kids play for a while before bedtime at 7:30. I usually give them the bath while my wife gets PJs together and cleans up toys and games. I read them 3-5 books before bed every night. When the kids are asleep we get in bed. She usually has the iPad and I have my work laptop. We used to watch movies a ton but since we moved she has more been browsing on the iPad and I'll browse or play a game. She usually goes to bed around 10:30 or 11:00. I've always tended to stay up late, so I do not always follow soon after. This is another source of tension. We cuddle while doing this usually but we need to interact more during this cool-down time.

As I said there are many parallels with stories I've read here, but also some things that don't track. Having read many other threads here with some crazy spousal actions I'll just clear up a few things that you might expect me to omit. There is no abuse in the relationship, either verbal or physical. My sex drive I would say is normal. In normal times we would have sex roughly 1-2 times a week. Right now its more like once a month, and I think that is a combination of not actively making babies(having to consider birth control) and of course the issues with our relationship. I don't insult my wife or kids. I pay the bills, but not with the kind of schedule she would prefer. I am more comfortable with getting some money built up on the credit cards before paying it off. I never miss a payment due date but I have no set day to pay bills. I'm more casual about it, which is something we have fought about. We have a joint account I have money sent to for her use, but impose no real restrictions on her spending. For the most part the stress of her credit card balance keeps her in check. I very rarely buy anything for myself, and most of our spending is food, dining out, or toys/clothes for the kids. We save close to half our income each month to put into a down payment on the future house. There are times when I could be playing with the kids more but don't. In recent weeks I was working on fixing my car(I've actually had to go into the office more the past few weeks and actually needed it for the first time in a very long while), or tidying up outside. On the weekends we do more intense cleaning. She typically focuses on eliminating clutter, and I focus on deeper cleaning. She does most of the laundry but I carry it down and cycle things through the machines on that trip. Every other month or so we will do a date night but we both feel like we should do more of those more often. I do not typically engage in romantic gestures, but I have learned how unwise it is to do too little for birthday, anniversary, Valentines, or Mother's Day. I'm very often a few minutes late for things, and she is very disturbed by unpunctuality. I never lose keys or phone, but she loses these things all the time (counter-intuitive).

There are other specific examples that I wanted to mention that started fights or showed my disregard for her or reality. I'll probably elaborate on those but this is enough in one sitting as it is. I appreciate the read and any commentary anyone has. I expect there will be a lot of been there done that sentiment.

Hello, I have been married for 7 years to my INATTENTIVE ADD husband.  He wasn't diagnosed with ADD until after we were married.  He is a really nice guy and is great at playing with the kids BUT.... fill int he blank with all the usual things.  He doesn't pick up, he pays me little attention, our sex life is horrible (he can't "finish the job" and yes, we've been to a dr), he can't remember to do anything, his communication is horrible and he shows no emotions - at all.

I realize I am NOT perfect.  I am a recovering alcoholic and have spent the last 2.5 years in recovery really looking at my part in things.  So here we are.  I've been in therapy for about 10 years.  We tried it together and he either doesn't talk or ''can't'' show up. I've given him numbers/info for therapists, dad's groups, add men's support groups, etc. He never follows through and i am so DONE taking care of him in every way possible. It is like I have FOUR children, not three. I also realize this is a common complaint.

I feel like in the past 2 years especially, I have grown by leaps and bounds and am starting to really enjoy life. I should also say that I have been in AA for almost 3 years now. A lot of my drinking was to just numb out - I guess now that I'm sober I've realized that I'm not all that happy with him. I told him last week how I feel and he said nothing. NOTHING. And he is acting like everything is okay. Our sex life is non existent and it's like he is confident ONLY if I'm a mess. I'm outgoing and always doing things and he is pretty much a home body. I feel like we both need time - him to be on his own FOR ONCE IN HIS LIFE, to realize that I am so very serious about changes being needed, and for him to hopefully gain some confidence (through taking care of himself). Me - to really take inventory of what I want.  right now we are basically roommates.   I love him for sure and can tell him anything.  But right now, I am not even close to being in love with him.  I feel like I've tried.  I am overcome with guilt esp b/c I know so much of this is his ADD.  Please, help!

That being said, he has really hung in there through my recovery and my depression. Side note:  he didn't even know I was an alcoholic and I didn't hide my drinking.   He IS a good playful dad and has a good job. I'm home with the kids right now (3.5, 3.5, 20 months) but am starting up a tutoring business to bring in some income (for a separation?). I know that no one can ultimately tell me what to do, but I guess I would love to hear from others who have separated.Does it really give you perspective to separate? Is there any sort of process I would follow? I've heard that all separating does is keep you apart until you are happier then you get back together to just be in the same exact position. I have three little kids - how would I explain this to them?  Is there anyway to make this decision easier?

I am terrified to separate only to realize I made a mistake (and maybe not get him back) but I am also so terrified of things NEVER changing. I am totally overcome with anxiety right now. Please, any advice would be great.

Hello, this is my first post, and I am new to the concept of ADD and its impact on our family. My wife (of 14 years) has very recently been diagnosed with ADD Inattentive type - though she does not accept it openly (I believe in her heart she knows it to be true). For me this was a revelation. I asked the ADD specialist who diagnosed my wife, to recommend books to help me understand the condition. My goal, to be better able to deal with the impact ADD has on me, my two young boys, and to be able to support my wife and be the best husband I can possibly be. Needless to say, having this illness in our lives for 16 or so years, undiagnosed, unrecognized, has been a huge challenge. We just never understood our relationship issues and the ADD roller coaster had its way. Working with psychodynamic marriage counselors ..... well, I am sure many of you know just how problematic that can be when un-recognized ADD is present (inattentive type). Needless to say, today, after a few months of veracious reading, at least now I understand the impact of ADD, my role, my wife's role, and I have the tools to start to heal. A lot of pain, but ready to forgive and fully prepared to take on the long road to healing ahead...... definitely starting with taking care of me so I can be the best for my family. All this said, the purpose of this posting is to ask female ADD spouses for you advice, if you are willing to share with me and others in this forum, as to what was it that your husbands did (or did not do) that helped you address your ADD and ultimately helped pave the way to a more loving and intimate relationship with him. I do appreciate every relationship is different and each carries its unique dynamics, however, I am interested in what worked for you. Melissa's book was wonderful, however, I figure getting your all input as well can only help me (us) obtain more love and intimacy in our marriage. Thank you all in advance for any feedback. Best wishes, CG.

I feel l have learned so much about ADD since last summer when a counselor first suggested it might be a fit for my dh. As many others, I associated ADD with hyperactive kids. Inattentive subset fits my dh to a T. When I subsequently read Melissa's book I felt like I was reading my memoir. Our youngest son, now eight, fits the description as well. I homeschool him and learning about ADD has changed how I handle his symptoms -- his distractibility; extreme emotional responses unwarranted for the situation; impulsivity; etc.

My son's behavior has cost me a dear friendship, actually: my friend took care of my (three) kids for a week and in retrospect I think she thought she could "fix" my youngest with what she viewed as a lack of discipline. The week ended up being hell for her, not surprisingly. I felt really bad because I knew she meant well, and because I had only just begun to learn about ADHD and what it all meant, so I had not prepared her or even understood what I was leaving in her hands or I would never have done it. She had offered to take the kids that week and I let her, ironically, because I was desperate to spend time with my husband and try to salvage and even (silly me) strengthen our marriage. The week in that regard ended up being a waste of time so I should not have bothered. I had never, ever had a week with my husband away from the kids before. (We never even had a honeymoon. Oh, and we did everything in the right order, just very fast.) And now I have decided that I never will again. I can never leave my youngest son again and go away like that. But this post isn't about my youngest son. 

My dh will do nothing about getting assessed or otherwise exploring a diagnosis in general. This won't surprise most of you reading this. He says he will, but right now he's too overwhelmed with work to do anything else. And no, he doesn't see the irony. He is active duty military and right now he is going to school full-time. As in, going to school is his job. The assigned papers and finals are totally stressing him out and he can think about nothing else. Now I understand this as the "hyper focus" and recognize it for what it's worth. Right now it's school, but it's always been something. I used to take it so personally. I wish I could say that I am helping him in any way I can, because I do feel compassion for his situation. But honestly, I am just exhausted and numb. I still get angry, but mostly I have gained control of that response and I'm just left feeling extremely sad and bereft. I have my hands full with homeschooling three kids and taking care of everything. else: finances; housework; schedules; meal planning; shopping; cooking; chauffeuring... Moms everywhere know the drill. Honestly, when he's not home at all things are easier -- at least I'm not perpetually disappointed by the things he isn't doing. In fact, the other day he claimed that at least he took care of his own dishes and I actually laughed out loud. After asking if he was serious (he's regularly sarcastic) I calmly stated that he took care of his own dishes, at best, 50% of the time. He was clearly taken aback: I had not called him out on anything like that for so long. And without any anger from me, his normal defenses seemed to fail him.  

I can tell he struggles with taking this whole ADD thing as a cop out on my part or a way of placing the blame of all our problems on him. He wants to blame my anger over the last 18 years for the state of our marriage today. And I let him blame me, for years and years. I struggled and strived to get a grip on my anger. I didn't understand it either. I had no idea where it came from. That had never been me before! But even though I no longer have outbursts of anger over every disappointment he still blames my anger for his lack of ... anything. I just want to give our teenage son as an example. And even though such a short (ahem) synopsis can never paint a complete picture, I am looking for any insight or encouragement anyone might be able to give. 

Dh will not support me in front of our son. Will. Not. As in, I've asked him to, very directly. "I need you to verbally support me in front of our son." He says that he talks to him later, when I'm not around. Why? Why not in the moment? When I need him? To show our son that his dad is on his mom's side? I get all kinds of answers for that: I don't know what to say in the heat of the moment; I can't support you when you're 'like that'. I've tried to explain to him that, I get 'like that' because our son is speaking to me in a disrespectful way, and it's my job not to ignore it.

I've come to learn from reading Melissa's book, and this forum, that dh does not have a normal gauge of conflict; as in, he truly believes that all conflict is bad. When I am engaging in conflict, he sees me as being overly emotional. He has asked me before, "Don't you think you have a problem with emotional regulation?" I've tried taking all emotion out of my voice when I make requests, no joke. I'm still ignored. I write things down. I use silly tones. I ask nicely. Again and again. He honestly thinks I've always just blown up out of nowhere. He just sees himself as a guy who's not perfect but he's trying his best so that should count for something and I'm just making a big deal out of nothing and I just need to relax. 

I am in full-fledged mourning here, but still not out of denial. I just can't quite believe I will never have the kind of relationship that I believe can be possible. Hope springs eternal and all that. I have stayed with him because of hope, but I increasingly feel more and more foolish for that hope. I am currently crossing over from hope into staying because leaving simply seems ridiculous: things aren't that bad. He's been a good provider. He's a good dad. In fact, in one of our (many) worst moments, years ago, in one of the two or three times (in 18 years) he's sincerely acknowledged that he's had a part in all this, he divulged that when he was young he swore that he would be such a better dad than his ever was. But he never thought about what kind of husband he would be. 

I am trying to be more cognizant of my own shortcomings and weaknesses so as to take control of what I can actually control. How this played out recently was for a weekend trip that the whole family was supposed to go on. Our teenage son had a sporting event in another city a few hours away, so I planned for us all to spend a couple of nights in a hotel and to visit a museum in the area over the same weekend.

The day we were going to leave, I admonished our teenage for not taking care of his dishes, which he regularly blows off. (In this case, his dishes were still out from the night before. I had reminded him before I went to bed to take care of them. All of this is a regular occurrence. Yes, I've tried everything.) (And no, FWIW, I don't think he's ADD.) Dh was standing there and said nothing, except to make a joke, which is typical. It's like he thinks he needs to lighten the mood. Keeping in mind that all I was doing was telling our son to do the dishes: I wasn't screaming or yelling or otherwise frothing at the mouth.

So I recognized in myself that I was feeling very upset about this -- I want to say, even though it happens all the time, but really, it's because it happens all the time. I admonish our son; dh says nothing. (Or makes an unrelated joke.) So I excuse myself before I get even madder which is what dh is waiting for, and it occurs to me: I have choices here. 

So I tell dh that I don't think we all should go away for the weekend. It would be better if he and our teenage son went alone. If ds and I were going to butt heads and dh wasn't going to get involved, it was going to upset me and I didn't think I could handle it. 

Dh is a man of few words, but I think it's safe to surmise that he thought I was being extreme. And I struggled with feeling guilty. And, of course, feeling disappointed. And feeling like I was creating a situation out of nothing. I can cite many experiences when I have felt overwhelmed with circumstances (like with trips) and under supported when it came to our son, but this is the first time I took steps to try to prevent a bad scenario from happening instead of being cajoled into going and doing my best to bite my tongue (and often failing).

I'm writing this as they're still gone, actually. But there will be no talking about it when they're back, I'm afraid. At least, not in a productive manner. Dh feels justified in not supporting me in front of our son. He has said this in words, so I know I'm not just trying to read his mind. (And I'm trying to catch myself when I do that and stop, but it's so hard, because he truly doesn't initiate serious discussions with me, ever. And I can't tell you how many times I have engaged him in conversation, paused significantly, for minutes, to allow him time to respond, and have gotten nothing in return but silence.) I can't seem to go indefinitely without getting upset about his lack of verbal support. I've tried all manner of ways to relate to our son in a healthy way, but whenever I get the least bit emotional, to include sounding impatient, or annoyed, or even a little grumpy, then I lose all credibility. And ds knows from experience that I'm on my own. I don't blame him at all, actually. His parents are clearly divided; it's only natural for a teenager to try to get away with doing as little as possible and to let his dad's silence justify how he talks to and otherwise ignores his mother. 

How my teenager relates to me is just one symptom of what is just an unhealthy marriage with zero emotional connection and support. At times, I have wondered if it wouldn't be better for my kids to not have a marriage modeled for them at all rather than to have them learning unconsciously from the one we have. Whenever I try to talk to someone about the struggles with my son, it's always, "Well, that's teenagers for you." And I struggle to share things about my husband because I feel so guilty and ashamed of it for some reason, and how could I have let it go on like this for so long? I know I have my part in it with how I have reacted in anger over the years. But just like others I have read in this forum, even when I changed my behavior and responses, nothing else changed. If I don't bring something up, then we never talk about it. It should almost be nice, really, because he never calls me on anything -- or even seems to notice anything, actually. If he has a problem, I never hear anything about it unless I go to him about something first. And then everything gets turned around to be about how awful I am. "Why don't you come and talk to me? Why do you wait for me to come talk to you?" If I had a dollar for every time I've asked him that. If I could just be okay with how things are and never have to talk to him...

If it weren't for all the difficult moves as a military family and always having to start over and forge new local friendships and support, I could see just leading parallel lives. As it is, we're supposed to move again this year -- for the 11th time -- and I'm scared to death. I'm tired and I know I won't be able to do everything and take care of all the details and keep all my emotions at bay all of the time. And yes, I've tried to talk to him about my fears and concerns and that I need his support. I'm still waiting for a sincere response.