Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • I wish he was just unsupportive . . . by: Caroline Fischer 11 years 8 months ago

    I have been sick the past week.  I'm feeling better now, but I realize just how much my partner cannot be there for me and actually makes the bumps in the road of life even harder than they have to be.  Here's just some of the things I've had to deal with this past week:

    Not eating for 4 days because I was too sick to make food, literally could not stand up in the kitchen to prepare anything, because my "partner" refused to make me food or bring me anything.

    Getting asked repeatedly when I was going to make him some of my famous meatballs because he was hungry.  For 4 days.  While I starved to death in the back bedroom.

    Getting screamed at and threatened with being kicked out of our apartment because he's "sick of my sh*t" when I attempted to finally shower and make food after 4 days because I woke him up (he's nocturnal and sleeps in our living room so I can't do anything during normal waking hours usually).

    After finally getting up enough energy to make him the goddamned meatballs, discover that all the cookware I need is dirty because he used it and didn't wash it.  When I nicely mention (because I don't have the energy for a fight) that all the stuff I need is dirty, he goes on a rant about how I had left a bowl and a plate in the sink for a week.  Yeah, a week when I was too sick to move and when I finally did have the energy got screamed at for waking him up which I suppose is my fault for not being nocturnal like he is.

    I really had the urge this morning to go into the kitchen at 7:00 a.m. just after he got himself to sleep on the couch and wash that plate and bowl he was whining about.  But I know the message would be lost on him.  I would just get screamed at.

  • Lonely Marital Bliss by: radames 11 years 8 months ago

    Yes, there are times that it happens. The spouse who is supposed to be your best friend, who communicates with you, seeks to understand you, is passionate about investing in connecting to you in every possible way, when she has ADHD, often forgets that you even exist.  

    There's a frustration that comes with all of those thoughts that bombard her mind every waking moment (and even while she sleeps).   You wish that a majority of them could be about you so that there'd be a slight reason that she may want to communicate with you more than a few spurts of time each day. Yet, instead of being the one who "completes her," I'm more like the one who competes with her crazy mind.  

    Ok, so getting her to communicate more than just random spurts of the next thing she is going to buy can be a goal construed as climbing Mt Everest.  I've accepted that maybe the neighborhood sledding hill is all that I will get, so my expectation, having been lowered, should  be easy to meet, right?  Wrong!  Inevitably, even those expectations are pushed aside by a trillion new thoughts that filled in the space of the recently lowered expectation so that I'm even hesitant to build an expectations as "unachievable" as the ant hill that frequently pops up outside of our deck, on the the ground closest to the sliding door (easy access, I'm thinking).  I'm wondering if I should just go ahead and allow my expectations to build no larger than a translucent, tiny bubble floating in the wind, that lands on the ground immediately cutting in half it's shape and will burst at the slightest sigh of wind.  Every other expectation bubble has been burst, why not add a literal one?

    I then wonder, if there are no expectations, what kind of purpose am I fulfilling here?  What kind of association has been built?  Who is this person?!  Am I the poor lad who is left biting on a spoon with a perfectly boiled egg sitting in it while waiting for the supposed "marksman" to take his next shot?  Why don't I just go ahead and hold it between my upper thighs and clench my buttocks and wait for the "coup de grace?"

    Sometimes I feel lonely and that my wife and I are living in a sitcom of our own making which we are unknowingly watching from some amnesia-based center for brainwashing.  Unfortunately, my memory is stubbornly staying put and she gets to trip out every day.  Just venting.  Don't care about typos.

  • Desperately seeking advice/support by: shell 11 years 8 months ago

    This is my very first time on this website AND talking about my husband's ADHD. He was never diagnosed until after he married me, and began taking medication about 6 months ago (just started Adderall a couple days ago) and is also on an anti depressant/anxiety. We have been married almost 2 years. I am 38 and about to graduate as a respiratory therapist in May (previously a preschool teacher), and my husband is 40 and an architect (not one that makes 6 figures however :) - common assumption). We started trying for a baby in January (if you can call sex twice in 1 month trying). We have both put on a lot of weight in the past year - I am disgusted with myself and tend to "hide" and I have to admit for the 1st time, I am not attracted to my husband at the moment (which I would never tell him). 

    I read a few of the posts on here and can relate to so much of what is being said. I am so beyond frustrated, unhappy, sad and angry at times. I have become someone I don't like and sometimes I don't even recognize. I have gone from being the very supportive, patient, fun, kind wife, to a miserable, nagging, critical, controlling wife a lot of the time. I feel like I am "raising" my husband and completely resent it. He's 6 feet tall, big Italian/Hungarian man who acts like a baby most of the time, which drives me crazy. It seems lately, that everything he does annoys me or irritates me. He never remembers to do most of what he says he's going to do or just never gets to it, he is always late - ALWAYS (which I find rude), and the only thing in his life that seems to be a priority is his job. Of course, he is now miserable too because he says all I do is complain and criticize him (guess it doesn't matter when he does that to me sometimes though). Inside, I feel really bad, I am totally aware of it and have this internal dialog with myself on a constant basis (anyone else know what I'm talking about?) to "stop reacting" "stay calm" "let him do his thing"...and as quickly as I say it in my head, is as quick as its out the window.  We constantly bicker & fight, usually over trivial things, he doesn't understand ANYTHING I say, he forgets so many conversations and always tells me that its me who forgot, and he blames me for absolutely everything and takes no responsibility for himself. He doesn't complete any tasks he starts (ex. : re-tiled the floor 3 years ago and had to finally get on his case and demand that the baseboards go back up by today before my parents come to visit tomorrow night). Still hoping he gets it done by tomorrow. Meanwhile i will have cleaned the entire house, laundry, reorganized the pantry, and went grocery shopping. I've been feeling like this marriage is going to fail big time because he is making me crazy and I am scared at what life with him AND children is going to be like (I want 2 kids more than I can explain and I am running out of time). I am trying to be as honest and "non long-winded" as I can. :)  Until about an hour ago, I just felt like my marriage isn't normal, my husband isn't normal, I am going to go crazy, and is divorce in my future? It never dawned on me to "Google" ADHD and marriage. After reading just a little bit, I think most of our issues are related back to that. I am by no means saying that I have no responsibility in this or that I am flawless, quite the opposite. But, I know in  my heart and soul, that even if my husband insists that's it's me - it isn't, not always anyway.

    Hopefully, my venting made some sense. Now I am in desperate need of advice, help, and reassurance that I am not alone. In my frustration today when speaking to my husband on the phone, I blurted out how I feel like I am always alone - not in the physical sense, but in the sense that I don't feel like we are on the same page, or a team, or anything of the sort. I feel like it's always "tit for tat" with him, and competitive, and that we are on opposite sides - it sucks! This whole past week, every time we spoke to each other, it turned into an argument - I am exhausted. This is not how I pictured marriage and life together. We went to a l marriage counselor for a few months, but it became a chore and she wasn't really doing anything to help. I feel like we would benefit more from an expert on ADHD rather than just typical marriage counseling.

    I want to stop "parenting" my husband - it doesn't work for either of us on many levels. I want to be happy and content, and I definitely don't want a divorce, I just know I can't stay married the way it is right now.

  • Seriously at my wit's end. by: sunshine41777 11 years 8 months ago

    I am dreading our 19th wedding anniversary this summer...just like I dread Valentine's Day, his birthday, and Christmas around him.  I just want it ALL to go away...as it relates to him.  I have been married to a man who points fingers at everyone else.  It's ALWAYS someone else's fault.  Honestly, I can't make up my mind if it's ADHD, Narcisstic Personality Disorder, Depression…or a combination of all three.  What I DO know is our relationship (if you can call it that) is toxic.  We have three boys (ages 9, 12, and 13), all of whom want their Dad to “go away”.  My oldest son feels this very strongly.  He hates him…and with good reason.  The man is heartless around him.

    My husband has very strong mood swings.  He may be fine one minute and then he “switches”.   You honestly have no idea what’s going to come in the door in the evenings.  You could get a fun guy that just casually walks in or (more often) you can get, “What the hell is this mess for?  Why are these shoes here?  Who’s paper is that?  Why aren’t the trash cans brought in?”   In his mind, the place must always be spic and span (I work full time also, the kids are all in activities—we’re busy like everyone else).  The mood in the room darkens when he enters.  Everyone is always ready for an insult or directive.  Yet, if HE leaves something out, well by golly it’s your fault for not walking around it…and the fact that it’s even being brought up opens the floor for him to slam you with everything YOU do wrong.  If the kids point it out, they’re reminded of their place in the hierarchy of the family…and then they’re assigned a job of cleaning the bathroom or their room.  We’ve gotten to the point where we all avoid him if we can.  And really, he doesn’t make it that hard at times.  When he gets home, after spouting off at everyone, he’ll go upstairs and lay down or watch tv or whatever.  As soon as I hit the door I have to fix dinner, I’m arranging drop-offs/pick-ups for activities, going over to-do lists of who needs to do what before they go, etc.  

    To summarize where I’m at, we’ve tried counseling.  It didn’t take long for the counselor to see that when I say I’ve tried everything, I wasn’t kidding.  I’ve tried guiding, backing off, being there, being in the background, read books on relationships, researching things online, given him information…I’ve seriously tried it all.  The counselor suggested my husband see him 1:1 for awhile—he obviously saw some red flags.  That lasted two sessions and my husband walked out.  No argument EVER gets resolved.  Everything is my doing.  If our kids are in trouble, it’s because I’m not hard enough of them.  If they’re failing in school, it’s because I don’t work with them enough.  Now…let me also add that two out of three of my kids have ADHD and one of those two also has depression.  IIIIIIII am the one that sought help for them and manage their meds.  Their drs have hardly met my husband.  Their psych has never met him.  The school wouldn’t recognize him if he walked in.  That is how disconnected he is.  Now…if I’m torn between activities and tell him he HAS to take so-and-so to this one, he will.  But that falls under the heading of parent-child relationship between he and I and often ends with him either rolling his eyes…or the kids will be late to the activity he takes them to. 

    Now, as cut and dry as this sounds…he also has a very soft side.  He’ll cry at commercials (WTH??).  He gets teary at the kids’ plays and stuff.  When I TRIED kicking him out 2 years ago he refused saying that one, we can’t work on anything if we’re separated.  And two, he doesn’t want to be that Dad that isn’t involved.  What?  So damn conflicting!  I no longer feel “love”.  I don’t want to be touched by him.  I don’t want to be alone with him.  When I know he’s trying to coordinate an evening or something, I’ll purposely sabotage it, because I want nothing to do with it.  It sounds harsh, but there have been so many times where I think, “Ok, this time he gets it.  He’s really on the upswing.”  Then BAM!  One of the kids will say how much he’s badmouthing me or how many names he’s calling them behind my back ("He says we're f-----g morons").  Or that he slammed one of them up against the car to “make a point”.  Or he stops wearing his wedding ring.  Again.  He’s cheated on me once (that I know of) and tried to just say it was an online “friendship”.  She meant nothing.  How do you get across to someone that THEY are the ones that have to change before our family dynamic can ever be somewhat normal???  Oh, when he gets scared that I’m finally done, he’ll turn on the charm and be the model Dad and husband.  It lasted as long as 3 months before…but then slowly but surely, my moody husband returned.  How does one stand by their man when their man refuses help and refuses to even think they have a problem?  I’m a child of divorce and cannot stand the very thought of my kids having to go back and forth…but the environment they’re in can’t be healthy either.  I have two stepfamilies.  I don’t want my kids to know what that’s like.  But I’m miserable.  I'm so conflicted with the amount of "relationship" stories that are out there and how long I should stick around.  Or am I supposed to be in this for a reason? 

  • Learning about ADD symptoms in our children by: CG 11 years 8 months ago

    Hello, this is my first post, and I am new to the concept of ADD and its impact on our family. My wife (of 14 years) has very recently been diagnosed with ADD Inattentive type - though she does not accept it openly (I believe in her heart she knows it to be true). For me this was a revelation. I asked the ADD specialist who diagnosed my wife, to recommend books to help me understand the condition. My goal, to be better able to deal with the impact ADD has on me, my two young boys, and to be able to support my wife and be the best husband I can possibly be. Needless to say, having this illness in our lives for 16 or so years, undiagnosed, unrecognized, has been a huge challenge. We just never understood our relationship issues and the ADD roller coaster had its way. Working with psychodynamic marriage counselors ..... well, I am sure many of you know just how problematic that can be when un-recognized ADD is present (inattentive type). Needless to say, today, after a few months of veracious reading, at least now I understand the impact of ADD, my role, my wife's role, and I have the tools to start to heal. A lot of pain, but ready to forgive and fully prepared to take on the long road to healing ahead...... definitely starting with taking care of me so I can be the best for my family. All this said, the purpose of this posting is to ask you all for any recommendations for reading material or blogs that can help me learn about signs of possible ADD inattentive type in young boys, 8 and 6. I am specifically concerned about my 8 year old. I really wonder about his angry outbursts and how he will cause fights for no reason with Mom - sometimes he tries to hook me. Could this be him creating conflict to feel better? I have read so much about this in adult ADD inattentive type, where they just need to fight and create conflict to feel better. Stimulation being their friend. Ultimately, we will get him evaluated. In fact, we are having him see someone right now to help him with another issue. However, bringing up my concern for him having ADD with the specialist when my wife is in denial of her ADD (the possibility of a genetic link and my bringing attention to it by opening up this conversation, would trigger extreme defensiveness) would not be productive at this time. Any reading / research suggestions would be very much appreciated. All the best to you all.

  • He says it is me by: measles501 11 years 8 months ago

    Earlier this week hubby sent me an e-mail with a link to adhd, so I did some research and realised all my unhappiness for many years with him was down to this, I said nothing but ordered the book ADHD is it me and researched in the meantime.  Eureka he found out what was wrong with him.  At last me and the kids have a chance at happiness.  Well I gave him the book this morning and was astounded when he told me he had sent the link because I had adhd.  I am sitting here crying now I think I might really go mad I just don`t want to go on. 

  • ADHD spouse's approach to therapy by: PoisonIvy 11 years 8 months ago

    My husband has been seeing a therapist for approximately 8 months.  I encouraged this and still think it's a good idea.  But my husband doesn't seem to be making progress.  I asked him today if he exposes himself to the therapist.  He asked what I meant.  I said I meant showing his vulnerabilities, saying things such as, "I've been seeing you for eight months and I'm still depressed" or "I'm tired all the time, the kind of tired that makes me unable to get things done."  My husband said that no, he doesn't talk to the therapist about these things.  Knowing my husband as well as I do, I'm not surprised but I'm very disappointed and frustrated.  What does he think the therapy is for (aside from getting me off his case, something that he hasn't succeeded at either...)?  Have others experienced this with their spouses or partners and therapy?

  • Have to laugh... by: Ladybug3 11 years 8 months ago

    So I've been reading Delivered From Distraction and oh my, it is enlightening. I've been reading tons of books about ADD. As I've mentioned on this board, my DH was diagnosed in college almost 20 years ago, but I never took it seriously (we've been married for 13 years) and he hasn't had any real treatment since he quit taking meds after he became a bit of a "dealer" in college. He had a breakdown of sorts just over a year ago. I went into what I see now was a pretty deep depression, although I didn't realize it because while I've been depressed most of my life, my depression was always more suicidal and this time I didn't want to end my life, I just couldn't deal with what was going on and so I shut down. 

    Anyway, I've been reading a lot of books and reading Delivered from Distraction has been pretty funny. I took all the self-evaluation tests. I did make it to the end of the long questionnaire, but I was chuckling quite a bit along the way. Not only do I see my DH, I see myself and at least two of my three kids.

    So my Dh was saying tonight how he hadn't accomplished much in his life (we're close to 40, we own a home, two cars, a dog, have three very bright kids, he's graduated from college and is a "higher up" in a software development company) and I mentioned how it was a symptom of ADD to feel that you haven't accomplished much with your life when you really have. And he says, GET THIS, he says, "I don't think I have ADD. I think you just have to pull yourself up 'by your bootstraps' and 'get'r'done.'" Honestly, I laughed. I wanted to say, "Are you new here?" but I didn't. 

    While my tendency is to personalize everything I read, I'm trying to keep in mind that these are his experiences also. I'm trying to let it help me be more sympathetic and yet less, erm, responsible. For example, when he couldn't find the shoes he was wearing yesterday (and hadn't left in the mudroom, where, you know, all the other shoes are, except the ones scattered around the kitchen by my daughter) I didn't let it be a crisis. I scanned the room, but didn't see them. I found them later in a place I would never have looked. But, you know, I don't expect him to keep track of my shoes. I'm very intentional about where I leave my shoes, since if I deviate, I won't be able to find them (a clue that ADD may not be my problem?). 

    But for him to say, after everything we've been through and talked about, that he thinks he's doesn't have ADD? It makes me want to flick him on the head. Dork. I don't honestly think he was serious. He's really struggling with having a "disorder." I'm trying to help him see that it's part of who he is and it would explain a lot about why our life is the way it is. We're at a point where we can still change the future. The past does not dictate the future. But man, if I didn't laugh, I would cry...

  • Is it him, me or ADHD? by: newedwrds 11 years 8 months ago

    I have a relationship with a man with ADHD that recently ended.  I love him so much.  I am heartbroken that it ended, but without counseling, we were at an impasse.  It had become less than functional.  We were not married, but I believed it was serious.  He was the only man I've ever considered marrying, but maybe I was just confusing my hopes with what was real.  I am so confused.  His actions never really matched up to his words.  ADHD, or was he just not that into me?  I am very generous and supportive and can often give "too much" without realizing and perhaps be taken for granted.  I believed he loved me back because I just felt it.  He repeatedly ignored my needs even when I expressed directly.  I asked for one "date night" a month.  ADHD procrastinates, and we both have children so we did have lots of family time.  We ended up on 3 dates in a year.  It mattered.  He would get angry if I asked.  Communication was a problem, like one time I asked if he was losing interest and he blew up.  Did I hit a nerve, or is it ADHD?  We also never had sex.  We are both religious, but it was really totally non physical. It was weird that he never even tried.  Right now I feel betrayed, played, and kind of used.  He suggested counseling, and 3 months went by and I mistakenly let things pile up waiting for it.  He had specific criteria for a counselor, so he was going to find one.  When I suggested it, he got mad and ended the relationship instead of choosing to work on it.  Was he just not that into me?  Any insight? 

  • Anger over never being understood. by: Kyrs10 11 years 8 months ago

    I have been married for 10 years and I am 33.  I have 2 daughters, and I am also 3 months pregnant.  He is in nursing school, and also we manage apts together for free rent.  My husband says he does not have ADHD, even though he was medicated since in grade school until moving out. (it is insulting to him if I bring it up) My husband and I got into a huge fight a couple of days ago, so he is not in the home because I am considering ending the marriage.  This is not the first time we have considered this.  He has cheated and lied a lot in the past so I have that baggage as well.   But he does have a normal caring side which when I am reminded, has brought me back to him.  Because yes, all the crap that drives me away, has never gone away and at this point I feel like I am losing myself.  

    The fight started when he felt I was 'yelling at my daughter'  He was sleeping in while I was up w/ the kids.  They were in the kitchen eating while I was in the living room.  I heard my older daughter say her little sister was climbing on the counter (where I had some water boiling for tea)  I called from the other room, in a loud, firm.... but not what I would consider 'yelling at her'  to get down the burner was on up there.  He got up from bed and jumped down my throat that I cant yell at the kids whats wrong with me. Im abusive.  I said easy to say for someone who gets to sleep in hours after I get up w/ the kids.... and leaves dicipline to me (cant say no unless it starts w mom said)  to say Im abusive straight away without even knowing the situation?  And that I didnt want her up on the counter (she is six and can follow requests like this)  He said if I really cared about her I wouldnt have left the room.  I really didnt want to fight with him, as I know I am the one who takes care of them the most, and I have always been there when they wake up, not him.  who has even neglected to call his daughter to say happy birthday  (yes I have some resentment).  I didnt want to fight, I just said, well why dont you take it from here then, and I will just spend time in my room today. (since most days it is all me.... he is a nursing student, and seems hyperfocused when it comes to that, and never notices anything else.. kids, chores, routines)  I thought it would be a good time for a break, plus being prego, I feel like barfing a lot.  I didnt talk to him most of the day, just avoiding contact.  When he finally did say something, it was okay, well now I get to go out tonight since I had the kids today, it's your turn... Im going out for St.Patricks day... News to me!  He had no plans prior, or asked me how I felt about him going out on a school night for the kids, leaving me again to be the only one doing the morning stuffs... the first day back from spring break, and the time change.  I said you cant do that, thats not fair to me, and Sunday night is not a going out drinking day...  He said I am controlling his time with his friends, and again that not only was I abusive to the kids, that I am abusive to him as well... bossing him around. Controlling where he goes.  

    I felt myself boil over... This is not the first time he has tried this.  Our councilor also even at one point said that she would not continue marriage counseling if he was going to say that, because there is not, and it is actually a block to work through things. (he commonly feels sorry for himself, if anyone else vocalizes their feelings, he says he has the same feeling but more so w/ out acknowledging the other one in the conversation, or digesting what they are saying)  He said he was going out anyways...  I said oh yeah, so Im abousive, and you are just going to leave the kids with me?  He said Im not going to talk to you anymore you are crazy, and I dont have to put up with it.  I said oh am I ok then, I hit him across the face.... and he started pushing me.  He said I am calling the cops on you, Im taking the house, the kids, everything from you.  I have proof now we are all abused!  Because I slapped him?

     I dont abuse him or my kids. He is the one who has slapped my daughter so hard she had a hand print on her face the rest of the day.   I have hit him one other time when I found out he was cheating... it ended in him grabbing around my neck and holding my head under in the bath.  (I gave him the benefit since he was drunk at the time- he doesnt get drunk anymore)  But he started saying he is battered.  I tried grabbing the phone and he grabbed me around the neck in a headlock when I bit him to get him to let go.. he ended up w him just on top of me trying to hit my head on the ground it seemed.  I do not want the police involved, but I should have just let him call.   he cannot be an RN if something like this is on his record, but since he was threatening me with it, I said I was going to document my side as well, let the chips fall where they may.... that I was done always putting his needs first... the making him study time, doubling up on everything he cant remember to do, making sure he gets to go out at least once a week (never seems to be w me//?)  I needed to defend myself, even if it throws away the last 4 years of his schooling.  He ripped the phone from the wall and hid it, and went to the garage to call all his family.  He calls everyone and twists stories to his side.  Calls his lawyer uncle and then uses threats on me, since at that point he belives his stories.

    The next day was all nicey nice.  I felt sick and like crying and he was just like "Whats wrong"  Oh I love you!  You want me to make you food?  Took care of a bunch of stuff that had been put off..  even went to the bank so I didnt have to go out in the freezing, picked the kids up, which I usually do.  But the next day he was all angry again, and kept telling me to get away from him I dont have to talk to you leave me alone.  (I was trying to talk about him backing me up on the fact my daughter wanted to skip gymnastics to play w the neighbor)  At that point I told him I just couldnt take it anymore.  The swings, constantly being told I am crazy, overbearing ect. non parenting (also, apparently if you watch 48 hours you are psycho)  I cant see myself having to remind him of chores constantly and never making plans for anyday beyond today...  He has this way of blaming things on others, making them look bad, to cover anything.  All topics become a debate.  I feel like I have a teenager as the person who is supposed to build me up... and it really drags me down.  Although I do not think divorce is good for the kids neither is this situation.  Plus he has never lived on his own.  he went from mom to one roommate who kicked him out, to grandma, to the military, to me.  It might be time for him to find out.  Or he might just find someone else to take care of him.   I don't know life is going to get extremly hard for us, and we might get stuck living in a state neither of us wanted to stay in.... just because we cannot get along.  I don't know what to do.  I know I am not perfect, but I don't think I can just accept the disarray of the life I am in, added with being put down, while being told I am putting him down.  (example: can you clean the bathroom? the toliet is looking nasty.  thats a put down, because it is his job to do the bathroom and it is dirty... 

    And now today he is being nice... called to ask me out to lunch.  So confusing!

    Anyways thanks for reading and any thoughts on how to cope or respond to him.   sorry if too much info.

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