Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Thinking about taking the live couples seminar.... by: LindaLou 11 years 9 months ago

    But, I don't think I can convince my husband, who doesn't want to admit he has ADD and gets really upset when I say I think this will help us.  I really do think this could be THE solution for us.  I am tired of taking care of everything and don't want to live being mad all the time, my choice, I know.... but I am really feeling so unimportant. 

    I want him to join with me in the seminar.  Anyone else having this experience?

  • If I don't laugh, I will lose it . . . . . . by: I'm So Exhausted 11 years 9 months ago

    I need to vent to someone who understands!  We all know about the difficulties with finances when living with a spouse with ADHD.  My spouse is self employed and I am in college.  The 20th of the month is approaching - we have lots of bills due on the 20th - insurance, utilities, loan payments, etc.   There is an upcoming work convention next weekend for my spouse and his business partner.  4 days away learning, 4 days with no income, plus the pending travel and hotel expenses.  I remind my spouse of our approaching financial crunch time.  Throw into the mix that he is very hesitant to hire an ADHD coach - because of tight finances.

    So today I find out he is working 'for barter' for a $600 item.  Himself, and two employees - who we have to pay  - will be on the job.  There is no other income on this job.  I am annoyed that my spouse is buying something for himself for $600 - that is not a necessity - a firearm he wanted. I resent the impulsive barter - poor timing.  It also irks me that he doesn't feel we have enough money to pay for an ADHD coach, but he will buy something - expensive and out of the blue -  for himself.  And he did not mention it to me.  I heard the information about the job from an employee. . . .

    Guess who handles the finances in our marriage. . . . yep, it is me. 

    Guess who has been working on not being his "mother?"

    Yep, it is me.

    Sigh.

  • Still growing and learning by: jennalemon 11 years 9 months ago

    1973  My minister made me repeat these words after him and said that this was God's holy ordinance in the sight of the church .... "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth."  I promised to OBEY!!!!! my husband.  In CHURCH!!!!  In front of all my friends and family!!!!!   The minister did not have dh promise to OBEY me!!!!!  In my heart I have been trying to OBEY the needs of my ADD inattentive husband!!!!!  This was dh's ticket to Easy Town!!! And I was a vulnerable pregnant girl who took everything at face value.  I believed a person is only as good as their word...so no squelching on a promise made.

    The old me:  I believed and was taught that hard work is the secret to financial success and security. I believed that commitment, honesty, faith and trust are the paths to love and security within a family.  I believed striving to understand and help other people leads to a connected and fulfilling life for myself and those I love.  I believed a life of service to God and my community is the path to being a good person who can hold their head up with pride. 

    The new me:  I believe that if you live in a world with other people, that you need to be aware that everyone is not wired or taught the same as you and you must notice how others treat you ... you must work but not TOO hard (so you don't miss out on your own joys and life and love ... so that you don't give your life away to something or someone who misuses or discards you).  I believe you must be honest (but not believe everyone else is honest....be alert to other's speech and activities and trust your own gut when something FEELS wrong - don't trust everyone unless they give you reason to).  I have faith in Life and I trust that I will be able to live with grace through difficulties....this is not the same thing as having faith in the concept of marriage or in someone because they made you feel good or made promises to you or that they promised to love you forever.  I strive to understand others and will not close my eyes to try to make life filled with lovely things just because I want them to be lovely (a world of magical thinking) I believe that some things are not lovely and must be dealt with my own strength of will and character.  And to do that I must permit myself to use the tool of anger and determination sometimes. 

    I am ashamed of myself for taking so long to become a grown up.  My strength comes from a willingness to accept myself the way I am and the world as it is and other people as they are. No one has total control of their own life....life is a challenging adventure.   I have faith that I am OK as I am. My challenge is to get to know WHO I AM again so that I can live this life that I was given.   Now I can get to work and let the real me express my own heart rather than silencing my heart while i put the responsibility of my happiness and success in the hands of others.  Today a woman is not only permitted but encouraged be strong and beautiful. A happy heart is a heart which does not bow down to other's expectations or to be nothing more than a helpmate to someone else, (unless you are in a time-proven relationship where you are BOTH helping each other and listening to each other....that is the ideal we all look for that we call being a good couple.  Some might call that love and trust.)  One person cannot help and listen and love enough for the both of you to be considered a good couple.

    I never thought I needed respect...I thought I needed to have faith and love and be giving.  Now, at the end, I realize I need respect.  Maybe what I am needing is balance. My life has become out of balance...my services and "love?" going out but not finding love and service (or accepting it) coming in.  I also need to respect myself enough to have a life outside of my family.  I am joining in various groups of interest....a poetry group, a self-defense group, a book discussion group, and an exercise group and becoming more involved putting more energy in the groups I am in- both professional and casual.

    Thanks for being witness to my processing.  I am at war with myself trying to stop being a miserable co-dependent enabler in the name of love and marriage.   I seem to have my feet in two different worlds.

  • Please read....... by: bb2000 11 years 9 months ago

    For those non-ADHD partners and ADHD partners, well, to everyone in a relationship with ADHD, please read "Loving someone with Attention Deficit Disorder" by Susan Tuschudi. It's from a non-ADHD partners perspective, but I think it can benefit all who read it. Let me know what ya think. I did a lot of thinking after I read it. I know my ,marriage is beyond repair (in my eyes), but I am hoping it can help another's.  :)

  • Please read this book by: bb2000 11 years 9 months ago

    The book "Loving someone with Attention Deficit Disorder" by Susan Tuscudi is amazing. It is from the non-ADHD partners perspective, and I think it is very usefull (to both partners). I hope it helps those in distress. My marriage is too late (in my eyes), but there is hope for others.  :)

  • From marriage proposal to kicking me out the next day? by: Caroline Fischer 11 years 9 months ago

    So, yesterday my ADHD boyfriend of almost three years comes to me and casually asks me if we should get married this Spring.  While, I was open to the idea I said we should wait until after Spring as his sister is getting married in May and we had the usual talk about kids and timing and stuff like that.  Well, we went from that yesterday to him asking me to leave today and here's why:

    I had played stringed instruments on and off my whole life (violin, cello) but never professionally.  When I first met my boyfriend who is a professional keyboardist, I joined his band that needed a violin player but soon afterwards the other two male members of the group starting being nasty to me (still can't figure out why exactly, although many people have put forth interesting theories), constantly correcting my playing etc., saying that I wasn't the best violinist they could find.  I tried to take their comments in stride and assumed that if they found a more professional violinist that I would gladly step down.  The problem was that my boyfriend never said a word to them about their behavior and sometimes when I would speak to either of the other men about how mean they were being he would take THEIR SIDE!  Suffice it to say that after nearly 2 years of this I quit the band and stopped playing stringed instruments altogether as it was kind of traumatic experience ( I was pretty insecure to begin with which is why I probably never pursued anything professionally musically).  Towards the end I had started giving my boyfriend cello lessons but when all of this drama went down and I decided to stop playing altogether so I stopped giving him lessons.  He was fine with this, for a while.  But recently another band he is in wants him to play a simple cello line on a recording and he's been practicing cello day in and day out and usually when I am asleep which wakes me up.  But, I'm not going to be so catty as to say he can't play or practice, it's just kind of an emotional trigger for me, so I've been using ear plugs when he starts to practice.  The problem is that he will come in the room for no apparent reason and wake me up again after this, he says to "check on me".  This has been angering me every day because it's bad enough to be woken up each day with an emotional trigger but to have the presence of mind to handle it maturely and not say anything, but then have to deal with being woken up for no reason. 

    So I'm angry of course today about this after being woken up again for no reason after putting in ear plugs etc. and he has the audacity to get upset because I won't help his cello technique.  I told him it's fine if he wants to practice/play but that right now I'm processing how I feel about everything and that I can't teach him or show him anything.  Basically, when he plays I sequester myself in the back rooms of our apartment and try to ignore how I feel.   He tells me that I should just "get over it" (this coming from a guy that gave up an entire jazz CAREER because of one comment a patron made at a gig) and that enough time has past (a little over a year).  I told him that it sounds like he is trying to cloak his selfish motivations in "wisdom" so that he can get what he wants.  Especially considering that he is one of the most sensitive people I have ever known and who can't handle people telling him how he should feel or how long for.  So is he just a giant hypocrite?  Is he extremely insensitive considering he was party to the original traumatic event and now has to deal with the consequences of that?  Yes and yes.  But now, he's asking me to leave.  The day after he asked me to marry him.  And he thinks I'm the crazy one.

  • PLEASE HELP ME: Is This Is Normal ADHD Married Life? by: onelife 11 years 9 months ago

    Hello everyone! I am new here and could use some encouragement.

    My husband has ADHD - he was diagnosed as a child. He still has it. He goes into hyper focus very often but not on things that would improve his life. He has always been in and out of jobs, blaming everyone else - not himself. He is highly intelligent. He watches tons of films and has played over 1,500 video/pc games in his life - he currently games several hours a day. He said games help him focus and feel better. He hasn't had a job since 2008. He helps me with my business about 5-10 hours a week max. I work 70 hours a week because I have a flourishing business.

    He is home every single day. He won't leave. He leaves to help a friend or his mother maybe once a month but if I am not with him, he will not leave. He games most of the time and surfs the web and chats with his buddies online. I bought him his dream car and dream mountain bike but he rarely uses them - maybe he drives once a month? His friends envy his life but everything we own is from the money I earn.

    We barely have sex - maybe 5x a year.

    We have no kids - and he knows I want them and would LOVE to have them but there is never the right "time" in his mind. We just turned 40!

    He said he was diagnosed as a child with ADHD and he still has it though he worked hard to get "control" of it so his office in our home, his closet and his car is meticulous. He cleans up after himself. He is VERY clean and tidy. 

    But when it comes to everything else --- intimacy - none. Always on his iPad, iPhone or computer. Always. At every meal, when we watch TV, at a cafe, when we are walking down the street. He ALWAYS has to be doing something with his camera, his phone or something else.

    It is always SO frustrating to be with him. I actually am at the point to where I can't stand to be with him. I eat all of the time (just gained 33 pounds in 10 months) to numb my pain and am so depressed now that I only get out of bed to work and stay on top of my career. I've recently enrolled in some classes and am trying to get out but I am overwhelmed.

    Is this normal married ADHD life? 

    Thank you for listening - please forgive me for the long introduction. Can ANYONE relate?

    Beth

  • Dance of Anger Book by: DragonTamerWife 11 years 9 months ago

    I'm reading the Dance of Anger book and trying to do some of the work, but I'm so confused. She has you "begin to observe your characteristic style of managing anger," and I'm all over the map with my husband. 

    I overfunction with my family of origin: I have advice for everyone and move in too quickly to rescue, take over and fix, I pretend I don't have problems and am the expert. I'm the eldest daughter with two younger brothers. 

    I overfunction with my daughter (move in to rescue, don't want her to suffer, text her reminders at college.) I blame and overfunction with my son (I become uncomfortable when he experiences lots of negative emotions, which is often since he's moody and 15, so I try to fix it, and don't let him suffer consequences enough. Then I also get angry and emotionally reactive with him when he acts too much like me. ;))

    With my ADHD husband? I underfunction. I blame. I pursue. I distance. I can't decide which is my characteristic style of managing anger with my husband. The blamer style is probably the one my husband would want me to work on, but the underfunctioning style is probably worse for our marriage, but it's more subtle:

    When stress hits in my marriage I :

    1. Underfunctioner: Get angry, but then almost immediately start crying, go lie down in bed, become depressed. Start shame-spiraling and worrying about all my character defects, and how it's all really my fault deep down. Feel like an incompetent child. Lose stuff. Get a new prescription. Smoke.  

    2. Overfunctioner: Blame the ADHD and get really emotionally intense and try to change him. Try to diagnose him, for his own good. Get all one-up. Act like the expert. Have text message fights that last for hours. Have email fights. Have in-person fights. Feel like a parent who has to put up with this DIFFICULT CHILD of a husband. 

    3. Pursuer: I feel rejected when he distances into work. I take it personally when he's distracted. He loves work/hockey/movies and I'm insulted. I feel needy and dependent. 

    4. Distancer: When I get really angry about an injustice, I become self-inflated and self-reliant, and puff up like Wonder Woman who doesn't need anybody and can do it all herself, fuck-you-very-much. 

    How do you begin to untangle your characteristic style and work on it when it's so convoluted? 

    Anybody else like this, or am I alone? 

     

  • Will my ADHD ex ever really understand how his behavior hurts me? by: balcox25 11 years 9 months ago

    I just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, one month ago. In the past we have broken up before based on his behavior. Basically it took breaking up for him to hear me even though I had been saying that something bothered me every day for a year. But this was how we did it. i would talk he would say he understands and then...wait for it...yes, it would happen again the very next week or day even. Our last break up was fairly long. He snores loud enough that someone across the house with their door shut and TV was up all night. He was given a C0Pap machine but refused to put it on. After every night reminding him 3 to 4 times and one year of no sleep I had finally had it and he was asked to move out. Of course he gave me that I don't understand and even worse he gave me all these excuses that even my nine year old was seeing through. Anyway, this is our third break up and I was wondering do people with ADHD know they messed up and will they do anything about it?

    He is going to a doctor but I do not know how good he is. All I know is my ex keeps saying he is working on the future and plans. Well he has been talking about these plans for 4 years now (new job or going back to school, he is 37) and he is still nowhere. Not even a phone call or looking through personals, yet everyday he complains about his job and how he wants to do something else. I just can't wrap my mind around how someone can complain but yet do nothing for 4 years and now he is seeing someone for 4 months and still no one thing! Is this normal?

    My question is after this ranting...Do people with ADHD understand that they are different and can they be sorry for their behavior or in their mind will it always be, "Not that big of a deal".

    Also, do ADHD people even think about their ex's or are they so focused on themselves during beginning therapy that they just disappear in their own world.

    I just really need help on understand how someone who clams to love me breaks so many compromises (All of them, did not follow thru on one in 4 years) and them when I get so mad and break up he is out the door and in the world just fine! Grrr! If ADHD makes you not care please temporarily throw some my way because it would be nice not to feel right now. Loving someone with ADHD is no fun!

  • Book or website suggestions? Coaching? by: Ladybug3 11 years 9 months ago

    I'm sure this has been discussed before, but I'm wondering if anyone has favorite books or websites that help with ADD organization. I'm not trying to organize my DH, but from what I've read so far, I think I would really benefit from a more ADD-centric approach to organization and I know my kids would, too. My executive function skills are not very functional. :) I struggle with unfinished projects, piles of papers, folded but not put away laundry, procrastination, lateness, etc., etc., etc. My kids can't keep their rooms clean to save their lives. For several years I had a housekeeper once a week (for 8 hours!), but she's been gone for a couple of years and things are really a mess. So, I'm trying to get more organized for myself and my kids, knowing that my DH will benefit from the process. (And just so everyone knows, yes, I have tried Flylady. I love her and she saved my life years ago through her encouragement to shine my sink, to have routines, and put on my shoes - which I still do every day - and to love myself. Without her, I'm not sure I would have survived the early baby years. But her style just doesn't work that well for me now. It's a little too busy and, um, smooshy? I've had to shut down emotionally too much and now I'm not that into purple puddles, if you know what I mean.)

    The main thing I'm trying right now is decluttering. I'm an aspiring minimalist, although I don't think I'll ever be truly minimalistic. I read lots of minimalism blogs to saturate my brain. I know that clearing the junk is the best way to be organized. But it's really, really hard for me to do. I know the clutter and not being able to find things makes my DH's ADD worse. I'm hoping that my educating myself about this will help him be able to tell me what works and what doesn't. I also know that some things I just have to accept. He unloaded the dishwasher last night and finding things this morning was like a treasure hunt! Sometimes I get mad, but usually I choose to laugh. Knowing that it's because of ADD makes it much funnier than when it was just him not paying attention and me being irritated that he put the coffee mugs in the wrong place again, even though they haven't moved in years (I have looked at him in amazement at some of his more "creative" ideas of where things go and said, "Are you new here? Really?" We've been in this house for 10 years.). In his defense, I do move things around every few years; I'm both always searching for a more efficient way (like putting the dishware in a lower cabinet a few years ago so it's easier for the kids to put dishes away - he still can't find the plates) or I just get bored with how things are set up. 

    The other thing I wanted to ask was whether anyone has used an ADD coach? I presented my Dh with that idea this morning. I had never heard of such a thing until recently. I think he likes the idea of seeing someone who will just deal with life skills and getting things done. He really doesn't like therapy and counselors. But working with someone who's more like a life coach with a focus on ADD seemed more appealing to him. If anyone has used someone like this, I'd love to hear about experiences or tips for finding such a person. And I think I would benefit from such a thing as much as my DH.

    Sometimes I feel really selfish for making the focus of all this about me. I mean, whether it's books or coaches, it's all really to make my life easier. But I realized a year ago that as much as he loves me and as much as he wants to take care of me, my Dh isn't able to, at least, not the way I thought he should. I must take care of myself and because of my health, my life depends on my taking care of myself first. My children need me. It's weird to me to feel that way, since I spent so many years thinking my family would be better off without me and feeling bad for my children that they had a mom like me - I still feel that way sometimes, but it's gotten a lot better. It's so hard because putting myself first goes against the way I was raised and so many cultural norms for women. It's taken me this long to get really intentional about doing it. 

    Thank you for any help you can give me!

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