Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • I quit the relationship after a year by: Simon R 11 years 8 months ago

    I know you are all going to jump on me for only giving it a year but I entered this relationship hoping it would be a long and meaningful journey....

    On our first date she was late (even though she only lived two blocks away and I travelled over 50 kms) and she didn't even mention it or apologise, an introduction of worse things to come.

    Late for almost every date thereafter, late for flights, late for dinner, late for the cinema - usually because she was doodling or playing word games on the internet, not because something important cropped up. While I stressed and blew a fuse she's completely oblivious. I now accept that she is living in an oblivious bubble that doesn't include plans, times or dates.

    Conversation wise, I might as well have been speaking to the furniture. She didn't listen, constantly interrupted with something irrelevant, couldn't process information or heed warnings and had two kop outs every time she sailed into another accident which were "I didn't know" or "You didn't tell me".  I was expected to predict and prevent every stupid accident she had because "I didn't tell her", yes of course, my fault totally every time.

    Then there's the forgetfulness. So many things she forgot ten minutes after the event. Information went straight through her head and was gone forever. No point saying "we only spoke about this yesterday" or "we only went there yesterday" as she's forgotten already today. Really forgotten too, no memory whatsoever.

    And then there were all the unachievable ideas, the drugs I expect making her dream up stuff she could never hope to deliver. These included posting ads online trying to get sports and social groups going, looking for running buddies for early morning runs etc. Truth is she couldn't get out of bed earlier than need be and that was a bad tempered struggle, never getting back to these people to actually arrange anything. All pie in the sky.

    Those are just the minor irritations. The big one that finally snapped it for me is the mess and chaos she is happy to live in. I have never met such an untidy woman ever before. Her apartment is a constant mess with used plates, cutlery, cups, glasses occupying every surface. Whatever she drops on the floor stays there permanently. Rubbish and recycling all over the place waiting to go to the bins outside. Everything with her is "I'll do it tomorrow" and tomorrow never comes. I was brought up in a clean and tidy home where Mom worked full time and still managed to keep a neat home. Subsequently, I keep my home clean and tidy. My dear old Mom (deceased) would have been devastated if she could see where I was going at weekends.  

    She would often ask me for help but every time I tried to tidy the place or decorate or fix things, she would say she was pleased initially but the next day the mess would be right back and worse. I wondered if that was her passive resistance to change? I've never met anyone so difficult.

    Now, if her ADHD is responsible for all this disorganisation in her personal and home life as she kept telling me, how come she gets herself to work in the City every day on time, performs the role of legal secretary and dresses herself and does her hair and make up accordingly? I'd say it's selective behaviour - or she has an identical twin.

    The sadness is she doesn't seem to have any memory of our relationship, already she's on a dating site looking for someone new. She won't accept any responsibility for the difficulties and eventual failure of our relationship. Yesterday doesn't seem to figure in her life.

    Do ADHD sufferers have any realisation of how their condition affects others and frankly, do they care or are they all oblivious?

    Never again.

     

     

  • Coping with extreme negativity in ADHD spouse by: Lise M 11 years 8 months ago

    Hi all,

    This is my first time posting on this forum.  I finally registered instead of just reading because I need someone to talk to besides my family and friends.  It's not fair to dump on them all the time, although they have tried many times over the years to help me.  The recommendation from them for years has been to leave him, even though they like him as a person.  I haven't called it quits yet for a variety of reasons, but I'm seriously reconsidering now because I'm not getting any younger and I honestly feel like things will never change.  In fact, they only seem to be getting worse instead of improving.  I read all of your posts and wonder how the heck some of you are managing to keep going with your spouses or significant others when I just feel like giving up.  Because I find some of his behavior almost unbearable after so many years of it now.  Many of you seem to have situations as bad or worse than I have.  How can we (you) even stay in love with people who literally drive us nuts so much of the time, much less coexist peacefully or live worthwhile lives in these circumstances?

    My husband of 15 years was diagnosed with ADHD for the first time two months ago.  He is now on Adderall as well as Lexapro, is seeing a good counselor weekly, and has laid off drinking (not sure how long that will last - it seems the Adderall reduced his alcohol cravings, knock on wood).  However, he is still perpetually miserable about almost every single aspect of his life, and has been that way for a long time, although I'd say he is getting worse as he gets older.  He hates every job he has ever had, including the current one.  He has spent years trying to "figure out" what he wants to do for a job, to no avail.  He can't stand the town we live in, the culture here, or any of the people (he did the same thing in the town we lived in 8 years ago, where we lived when we met).  We own a house we're upside down on, so we can't move.  I have one daughter from a previous marriage, but none with him.  We have many pets we love a lot, one of the only things that still binds us together.  I have a really good job here, he does not (but never did anyway).  He very rarely says anything nice or complimentary to me and is rarely pleased or happy about anything in life.  Our reason for marrying was basically the time we spent outdoors together and shared interest in politics, music, and the environment.  Over time these things have diminished in importance.  He was kind and affectionate at the very beginning, but now is distant emotionally, sexually blah (I do try to stay fit and take care of myself)-- all the other things I read from some of you here.   I think the sex issues are complicated and stem from resentment on both sides, as well as his ADHD inability to put any effort into things.  He is neat and clean, he helps with our pets and helps keep the chores up, and he helps pay the bills.  That's about it.  I would have liked to get some of our old bonded feelings back, but no matter how much I try to talk to him about this, a day or two will go by and it's back to the same old thing.  He is literally not interested or capable of understanding what it means to have a marriage.  And yet, he doesn't leave!  I feel he is obsessed with his unhappiness, to the point that he cannot function as a partner in a relationship the majority of the time.  I also feel like my life is slipping away from me and that he only wants me around as a security blanket and a place to take out his frustration at his ADHD, his job failures, and his dissatisfaction with life.  I call myself the "human TP".  I tried for years to coach him and support him (different jobs, educational goals).  Nothing worked, and now the counselor is trying the same thing.  Good luck to him, I couldn't do it, although back then my husband wasn't on Adderall and wasn't aware he had ADHD.  I am constantly losing my temper with my spouse and am unhappy and stressed out beyond belief, more than I have been for years.  I don't like the person I've become as a result of this situation and I don't like him about 85% of the time.  It's terrible to say all that, but that's how bad things have gotten.

    Does anyone else have to deal with the ultra-negativity and the blaming?  I assume it is an ADHD coping mechanism that might be commonplace.  Is there really a way to live with this and be happy, for either one of us?  And am I right to think nothing is ever going to change, and should I just face up to that as a given and make my decision based on that sad reality.

    Lise

  • Feeling like I am falling out of love with my ADHD husband by: darkestb4dawn 11 years 8 months ago

    Hi, all. I've been to this website and forum on and off for the past year.  As I write this post, I have such a deep well of pain in the center of my heart that I feel it is going to swallow me whole. I have been married to my ADHD husband for six years (this month is our anniversary), and only put together that he had adult ADHD about a year ago. He was previously divorced but it seemed that the reason of his previous divorce were not related to ADHD but to a difference in life goals and compatibility. I remember before I married him, I had some fears, but don't we all? Anyway, in the beginning things were great. But once we moved in together and I got to see how he handled his daily life, I slowly started to engage in that dreaded parent-child dynamic. I hated it, because it made me lose respect for him but at the same time, I felt that I had to take it on because he obviously could/would not. It seemed that he never seemed to recall conversations/emotional and tense arguments that we'd had. I remember he also seemed to lack sex drive and this hurt me deeply b/c I felt unwanted and undesired. I remember feeling so much pain and rejection when I tried to discuss it with him and he would try to avoid the issue. I just had this overall sense that he was not LISTENING to things I was telling him b/c they never seemed to get through. And the anger! All of the sudden he would get irritated and angry, and then feel  horrible for yelling at me or acting like a jerk. Our apartment would get messy, and after coming home from teaching first and second graders, it was ME who would end up cleaning. I kept thinking our communication is horrible and we need to work on it. He would apologize and agree, and try to smooth things over with make-up sex, but our issues still remain. Now six years in with two kids and one on the way, I find myself drifting further and further away and it seems everything he does gets on my nerves. I have no desire to be sexually intimate with him, and all I keep thinking about is how unhappy I have been.

    We talked about him having adult ADHD, and he agreed he does. I even sent him to this website and downloaded the e-book. I just wanted him to realize how difficult it has been and how patient I have been. All I wanted from him was acknowledgement and for him to start making changes. However, it seems he is looking for a pill to help him, instead of making behavioral/lifestyle changes. He gets upset and says things like, "When I suggest something, you don't give it any credence. But if someone else suggests something, you think it's a good idea." Or, "How come I can't just decide to do something without others telling me what to do." It's like he wants all of my trust and to give him responsibility, but he forgets, or screws something up, and he wonders why I don't trust him or feel the need to constantly look over his should to prevent/clean up his messes? 

    I'm pregnant and at a point where I feel helpless and almost hopeless. I don't want a divorce... I just want him to try to make positive steps to change. I don't want to be the only one researching solutions for coping with his ADHD, or the devastating effect on our marriage. I feel so alone and although he says he gets it, he can't possibly know. I tell him how I want his attention and for him to show me that he interested in ME, but he can't seem to remember to do that. I guess this is just venting, but I am so frustrated, sad, tired and at loss of what to do next. Any suggestions?

  • speeding tickets by: PoisonIvy 11 years 8 months ago

    My husband now has two speeding tickets within 12 months.  One more would lead to suspension of his driver's license.  Me driving him is not an option; he commutes 280 miles (round trip) to and from his job as a caregiver for his parents once a week.  Do I do anything?

  • limits of improvement & happiness together? by: beingNT 11 years 8 months ago

    I'm new to this forum and have posted a couple of times.  My partner has ADHD (as well as other disorders). We've only been together 3.5 years. 

     

    A friend told me that she regrets that she stayed with her husband.  She expressed concern for me (I think she was indirectly telling me I should leave my relationship and learn from her lessons).  I feel sad reading the posts that say while ADHD relationships can improve, they never become equitable.  And I feel sad seeing people stuck after decades together, afraid to leave or at great costs.  I'm not judging anybody's choices or experiences, just expressing my authentic emotional reaction of heartache.  I guess ultimately, many of the stories cause me to feel doomed in the long-run if I stay with my partner.

    Financially, without me, I believe that later in life she will likely end up living on the streets (unless someone else decides to parent her).  I'm not interested in supporting (or probably more accurately 'enabling') her the rest of my life.  I'm relatively young and don't have kids, so it's a lot easier to get out at this point.  I haven't chosen to leave, but this forum is causing me to question if it's worth staying for in the long-term or how.  The stories from all of you who have more experience are shaking me up.

  • Division of Labor in ADHD Treatment by: PoisonIvy 11 years 8 months ago

    I am confused and, as a result, very frustrated about a long-term issue in my relationship.  I am sure this is an issue for other people who are in relationships with individuals with ADHD and so I hope that readers (and bloggers:  Melissa, help please!) will offer their thoughts.

    (A) Here are some facts about relationships generally.

    1) Relationship problems often arise from the behavior/response/response cycle.

    2) This means that both the person who engages in the original behavior and the person who responds contribute to whatever is happening.

    3) Thus, to deal with the problem seems to require action by both people.

    (B) Here are some facts about people with ADHD and their partners:

    1) People with ADHD often struggle to change their behaviors.

    2) People with ADHD often deflect responsibility for their negative behaviors.

    3) People with ADHD sometimes want other people to take care of them.

    4) Partners of people with ADHD often are highly functioning; they are active and assertive and used to getting things done.

    5) Partners of people with ADHD often are focused on problem solving.

    6) Partners of people with ADHD often are told that they do too much, that they control the partner with ADHD or that they "parent" the partner with ADHD.

    So, if we put the factors in (A) and (B) together, what results is that both partners need to make changes to mitigate the problems and improve the relationship but it is highly likely that only one of the partners (the non-ADHD one) will actually make changes in his or her behavior.  

    Also, it is not unusual for the non-ADHD partner to be told that he or she is causing the dependence of the ADHD partner, by doing too much.

    As a result, the non-ADHD partner is likely to feel even more resentful because even in treatment, he or she is pulling more weight than the person with ADHD, AND is told that he or she is wrong for doing more.  

    So, folks, what do we do? 

     

  • We have to be perfect all the time... they get to be a total mess all the time... by: notavictim 11 years 8 months ago

    This is what really frustrates me about being married w/children to my husband with ADHD. I have to be perfect. I don't mean perform every task perfectly. I mean I have to have complete and total control over every emotion and response I have 100% of the time. I can be frustrated, but I don't get to show it. I can be angry, but I don't get to show it. I don't understand how any of this is supposed to help.

    I tell him I'm unhappy with the relationship and if I'm doing a good job of controlling my emotions he might say "well that's your problem" or he might listen to why and agree to everything I say and change absolutely nothing while he promises to do better and puts absolutely zero effort into doing better.

    The more self controlled I am the more it's used against me to take advantage of me. Yet when I calmly inform him that I'm not doing his laundry anymore and she shrinks a sweater because he didn't follow my advice and read the labels and instructions for the washer and drier then it's my fault that his sweater shrunk because "the person who was supposed to do his laundry didn't do it". I informed him that he is the person who is supposed to do his laundry and if he does it badly I can't be blamed for that.

  • ADHD and/or Major Depressive Disorder by: carathrace 11 years 8 months ago

    I’ve been married for 19 years to a wonderful man who just learned in the last year that he’s had ADHD all his life.  We – everyone – thought his primary illness was Major Depressive Disorder.  But after many years of treatment for depression, when the forgetfulness, distraction, hyperfocus, etc. didn’t go away, a therapist suggested ADHD.  We’ve been reading lots of books and rethinking his whole life.  Now we think that the primary disorder has always been ADHD, and depression developed because of the effects of ADHD on his life and people’s negative reactions to it.


    I’ve been reading this website for several weeks and decided to tell my story because it seems somewhat different from what most folks are experiencing.  Many posts talk about the ADHD spouse or partner being angry, belittling, supercritical, inconsiderate.  My heart goes out to the non-ADHD spouses who are suffering with this.  I don’t know if I could handle it.  Fortunately for ME (not for him) my husband turns his anger inward, on himself.  A lifetime of thinking of himself as a lazy f*up (because that’s what everyone told him and he believes it) has brought about his depression, and is very hard to eradicate, even with knowledge that it was ADHD, not laziness or ineptness.


    Six years ago he tried to hang himself with a belt in our closet.  Of course this reinforced his diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder.  But now we have looked at that incident again.  The night the suicide attempt happened was the culmination of weeks of extreme insomnia, where he only managed to get a few hours sleep a night.  He was utterly exhausted and couldn’t stand to think of one more sleepless night.  So he self-medicated with alcohol and prescription antihistamines, which caused a temporary psychosis.  He heard a voice in his head tell him to kill himself, so he obeyed.  It wasn’t depression so much as it was ADHD.


    Sleep disorders are common in ADHD and my husband has extreme sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome and periodic insomnia.  He often stays up til 3 in the morning, hyperfocused on playing computer solitaire or a similar game.  He says he can’t turn off his mind, so he intentionally obsesses over this one task.  He always means to play for a short time, and loses track of the hours that go by.  He’s also constantly losing his keys, his wallet, his cellphone, his credit card; being late to everything and with work assignments; working 12 hour days because he feels guilty that he loses track of time during the day and feels he has to compensate.  All these “failures” he blames on himself.  I’m glad he doesn’t blame them on me, like so many of you experience, but it breaks my heart that he beats himself up, that he has so much self-loathing.


    He is “seeing himself” in the books we’re reading, in particular one called “Scattered” by Gabor Mate.  This gives me hope that someday he’ll realize down deep that he is an intelligent, insightful, patient, loving man who has a brain disorder that nobody recognized.  It would be so great to see him happy.
    How do I cope.  I suppose I have some “ways of being” that aren’t 100% healthy by some standards but they work for me.  I am intensely grateful to be married to my husband, who loves me and needs me, and I need to be needed.  By nature I have sort of a “cheerleader” personality and I get to use that with my hubby.  I have a small group of women friends and we gather every week for what we call “Whine and Wine” – it helps a lot.  He has been on Adderall for about a year but it’s not working, so we’re waiting for an appointment with his psychiatrist to get his meds changed.  My husband and I have an excellent counselor who understands ADHD. 


    I guess what’s hardest for me to cope with is that, while our counselor has been giving my hubby lots of great strategies to help him be more organized, less inattentive, less distracted…my hubby isn’t doing them on a consistent basis.  I struggle with what I’ve read many of you do too:  is it inability or unwillingness?  There’s a part of him that has given up hope on himself, that doubts anything will help.  But even his inconsistent attempts are awesome, and heroic really.  I’m a lucky woman.
    Thanks for having this website.  It feels so good to read about people who really get it.

  • Pacific Northwest Workshop by: ShelleyNW 11 years 8 months ago

    Hello.  ADD Resources is hosting a one day relationship workshop in Bellevue 4/13.  Here is a link if you are interested. Keynote speaker is the comedian who did the PBS specials ADD & Loving It, ADD and Mastering It. 

    http://www.addresources.org/?q=node/2285

  • ADHD groundhog by: radames 11 years 8 months ago

    It started off as a "little blemish" in her behavior and habits before we were married.  Now it's turned into the "devilish groundhog from Hades" and it's only been four years.  Thirty minutes late here, losing car keys there, now I'm concerned if she will lose one of our two children who are under 3.  Sure she's been tested and has built up enough coping strategies to not be officially diagnosed, but that was before children.  That little groundhog has been popping up randomly, biting at my heels, snickering at me, and then darting back into its hole.  I get to where I can relax for a bit, and as soon as I "close my eyes" that little piece of feces is sinking it's teeth in once again!  I'm starting to get to the place where it's harder and harder to relax knowing he's out there, waiting for me to fall asleep, to slice me up in my dreams.  ;). I'm glad that this forum is here.  Thanks for listening, you all.

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