Our relationship has been better in terms of patience and attitude in the last couple months ever since ADHD dh agreed to go to see an ADHD doctor (long story short, he's got his first appointment next week). I know dh is trying, and now I find myself finding myself angry at the very things he is improving on.... !! It's very frustrating for me and it annoys him when I remind him he should try to do the same for me, as I do for him.

It is mainly in the area of opportunities and doing things together. I have mentioned in earlier posts -- in the 20 years we've been together, we have never gone to any kind of event that I've suggested or that we've agreed on (concerts, broadway shows, theater, opera, major league sports, museums, etc). This morning, he called me from work all excited about tickets to see a comedy act. It is his favorite comedian of all time, and he wanted us to go. When he watches this comedian on TV, I am not allowed to say a word while he's watching. He will shush me to death. Anyway, I went ahead and purchased the tickets online but all the while I was feeling more and more upset and angry with my husband who was on speaker phone monitoring my every move. So, I purchase the tix, print them, and then I need to call our babysitter. All he's doing is on the other end micromanaging me and telling me what a great guy he is for getting us to go to this event.

I got real snippy at him, telling him how I take care of his needs at a drop of a hat, but would he ever do the same for me if there was something *I* wanted to do as a couple? Because whenever I come up with something, it's always countered with something else, or brushed aside. The last time I suggested going to the ballgame one train ride away with the kids, he said he'd rather see another team, which meant a couple extra hours of transportation to get to the other stadium. Guess what, we not only missed the initial ballgame I suggested, we never went to see the one he said he'd absolutely take us to.

See what I'm getting at?

I'm sure it's all the pent up anger and frustration I've got. 20 years' worth of *messing* around like that. And of course, the comedy event is happening locally the week I was hoping to travel as a family. I went along with the tickets because I knew it's now or nothing for a long time.... he really isn't aware that I don't really want to go to a comedy club after nearly 20 years of nothing. I guess I'm afraid it will be so intense after such a long time of nothing, and out of my comfort level. But I need to grab the chance because I don't think I'll be going anywhere else...

How can I deal with my anger??? I should be happy, but I've got unresolved anger!!!

My DH and I argued again this morning because I can never do something purely for him - there's always a background benefit for me.  It tears me up because it's true and I feel so damn selfish.  Then I can't see how my actions (or inactions) actually do affect him or why it should make a difference to him what I do or what I forget to do.  It's so stupidly hard for me to see outside myself and I wish it were different and I don't know how to help that.  What kind of external reminders do you other AD(H)Ders set up to remind you to think about how every single action will affect your spouse, and reminders to do some things purely for your partner that s/he recognizes are purely for them?  I'm not talking about little surprises like making dinner or bringing chocolates or writing a card (which, often as not, I mess up anyway), but everyday things: "I am watching this movie, going to this concert, helping you build this cabinet, etc because I know it's important (or fun) for you and for no benefit to myself other than knowing you want/like to do this and seeing your pleasure."  What are some commitments I can make, or helpful phrases I can use to remind myself, that will actually change things?  

I know that post-hoc apologies don't mean as much as doing it right the next time, and I have no idea where to begin with this one.  How do I figure something out that lets him - and myself - know it's real?

That's the tl;dr version; details below of what triggered it this time.

Yesterday DH went home early from work because he wasn't feeling well, and he told me he wanted to go to bed early.  I spent the whole day repeating that to him to show him I would remember.  Meanwhile, I was thinking, "this is good for me too, because I have to get up & leave early on Tuesdays for my language class - which he surely remembers because I've been leaving the house at 8am for the last 6 Tuesdays in a row."  But I didn't say that, because I thought it didn't matter as long as our goals were the same: get to bed early.  We did get to bed early, but I ruined it by picking up my phone to reschedule a forgotten task.  He got mad because earlier in the evening he'd asked if there was anything I needed to do and I checked my online list & said no - actually there was this one task that I'd completely blanked on, which wasn't written down on the particular list I checked.  I would have seen it if I'd looked at my phone or my calendar instead.  He is also worried that I've rescheduled it to another time which will end up taking away from our time together.  I do tend to suddenly remember things I have to get done at the same time he wants to do stuff together (yet another "WTF is up with my brain" issue).  We argued and I ended up sleeping in the guestroom to give him more peace & quiet.

Well, this morning I got up early, got ready early, checked in on him just before 8 and he was still reading in bed, so I thought, "OK, I guess he still needs time after last night's argument to chill out before he talks to me, I guess I'll have breakfast and finish getting ready on my own."  BAD IDEA, FRANK!  He forgot I had my class, was hurt I ate on my own, and THEN got upset because he thought that I was going to bed early last night PURELY for him and not for any personal reason.  It can't ever be ONLY FOR HIM, but then even when it wasn't, I didn't mention my reasons so he was in the dark until it was too late.

Plus, I keep talking about applying for this other job, which I thought only affected me - but he hears me talk about it all the time, he hears me tell other people about it, and he feels like I'm just waiting until the position is filled so I can just spend my life complaining that this job seemed so ideal but I missed the opportunity.  He says he tries to help me but I don't take any of it.

What's worse is that I think he really would love to know I have TOTALLY FREE TIME and can do something spontaneous (without having to worry about the repercussions 2 hours/days/weeks later when I remember what I forgot to do while we were doing XYZ spontaneous thing).  I love being spontaneous but it always comes at the expense of my to-do list... and without my realizing it.  I'm just starting out on writing EVERYTHING down in a master list, and writing myself a 4-6-item to-do list every day, and also printing out monthly calendars so I can write longer-term due dates on them, and ordered myself a Franklin planner which I'll pick up when I visit the US at the end of the month.  Also started an ultimate master list in Workflowy, while DH and I are building a Google Docs spreadsheet with tasks, required time, & deadlines that we can both edit.  So I have some good starts but it's hard when I stumble along the way.

So..... how can we remind ourselves to do things that aren't for ourselves at all?

Before the meds, my wife was a walking contradiction. She never wants to be bothered about punctuality, but is always late. That's just one example of hundreds of contradictions. It's nearly impossible to survive being with her because there is no 'win'. You can't help her manage her ADD but she lashes out when it damages her life or if you try to help.

She finally got an official diagnosis and has tried both Adderal and something that starts with C. Sorry, I can't remember the name. 

Anyway, she is SOOOO irritable. She speaks to me in such condescending ways now and with such anger that the last few remnants of love are being destroyed. If I say anything, she does blow up. The meds are making her so sensitive that ANY tone shift on my part sets her off. She insists I am yelling at her when I am not even matching her tone. 

I'm really about to divorce just for peace. Has anyone else figured out how to quell the crabbies on these meds?

My partner has ADHD, OCD and mild Asperger's, diagnosed only 2 years ago.  She's 40.
Over the 3.5 years we've been together, I have learned to set stronger boundaries, take better care of myself and identify co-dependency more clearly so as to stop my part of it.
She's getting treatment - therapy, medication, self-help through reading and forums.  She puts a lot of effort into learning, though ADHD itself sometimes causes her to forget/deny management of her own symptoms.
We have a couples counsellor.  I have self-help as well.

I'm not sure that staying is healthy for me.  Or that in staying, how to do it so that I can feel better, if it's even possible at this point.

She tries her best, but to be honest, I don't know if the level of her awareness or management is enough for me.  I find myself feeling frightened by her behaviors when she "relapses" (I don't know what other word to use at this point) into some destructive ADHD habit. And I feel like I'm going through chronic trauma over and over.  

While things have improved (she'll do house chores, she now holds a steady job for the first time in her life, is less of an impulse spender, will pay rent and a little bit of the bills, remember to say loving things to me (as long as her phone alarms remind her to) and show appreciation for what I provide) I feel drained by her dependency on me for nearly everything else (financial strain is mostly mine, social, emotional and more…)  

When I set my boundaries or ask that (quite reasonable) needs be met (such as asking her to provide some balance to the give and take in household or letting her know she can't buy something because there's actually no money for it), I often end up facing a tantrum or upset... and that's what's hard.  I feel disappointed, grief and sadness.  She pouts that she can't have her way, then forgets about it tomorrow, only to repeat the same behavior (and even same demand) again.  It's less frequent, but it still repeats.  

I also get hurt over and over every time she makes another irresponsible decision, that leads to some kind of sabotage or damage in our relationship.  Despite her best efforts, ADHD takes over and she wants to be teenager instead of a partner.  

She's been getting steady treatment for two years.  That's not long considering she's been living with undiagnosed symptoms for nearly four decades.  If this does get better, how much longer will it take until she acts more like an adult than a teenager?  I realize it depends on severity of symptoms and management/treatment efforts… but surely there must be some research on results?

I'm too inside of this to know if I'm being intolerant, unreasonable and impatient, or if I've become too much of a caretaker and doormat by making this rollercoaster my norm.

We have good times and fun together.  But I don't want to be in a teenage relationship.  I want an adult partnership.  I feel like I'm dating a really fun 16 year old who wants to hitch a ride in my car without pitching in for the gas.  And if I kindly ask for it, she throws a fit.  And then finally she will give me something to show some appreciation, but usually resentfully, then look back out the window as if nothing happened and tell me that there's something bright and shiny outside.