Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Stop Choosing Mr/Mrs Wrong by: jennalemon 11 years 9 months ago

    Not wrong, just different.

    The intro to this hypnosis download is this: "In order to find a man you are attracted to but who is also good for you and knows how to support you, you need to really think about what is important to you then keep your head when you start dating so that you can clearly see what is in front of you. The common mistakes when dating Mr Wrong are Making excuses for him and Blaming yourself.  To avoid this you need to give him responsibility for his own behavior and make him accountable for his own behavior. So if he flirts outrageously with your best friend you need to really know it's his behavior not a reflection of you.  Falling for the wrong guy - what's important to you? So if reliability and trust are important to you then does his behavior generally meet your criteria? If the answer is no then you need to really look at what's going on and keep a part of yourself detached. True love takes time to develop - infatuation and desperation blind you."  

    I would say this goes both ways.  You don't want to be married a lifetime to someone whose expectations you do not have the energy or inclination to meet.  If you want to enjoy your ease and are not someone who feels a need to work too hard and are willing to do with less....know that about yourself and don't expect yourself to change just because you are hooked up with a motivated go-getter. Chances are you will be encouraged to work more than you care to and move faster and have un-wanted responsibilities which you may interpret as her being a nagging busybody.

    Downloadable Stop Choosing Mr Wrong  at www.hypnosisdownloads.com

    There is also a hypnosis download called Manage ADHD.  

    I have used a few hypnosis downloads for sleeping, happiness and peace.  

     

  • Have ADHD and looking for some advice by: Bullvine 11 years 9 months ago

    Hi everyone,

    I am having a tough time and I am looking for a place to vent my frustrations a bit--hopefully this is the right spot!

    When I was a kid I was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and ADHD. Having multiple diagnosis, I never really understood where one disorder ended and the other began, and I never knew exactly how my ADHD effected my life. Then, a couple of months ago, I began relationship counseling with my girlfriend of nearly four years.  We had been having a really hard time, growing more and more distant by the day. I felt like I was being constantly nagged and screamed at, and she felt that I wasn't listening. So, in December, I brought up the idea of seeing a therapist, and we began making regular visits. I couldn't handle the constant battling--I needed stability. For some, 'stability' may sound like a funny thing for a person with ADHD to desire, but I can assure that we need it every bit as much as those who are lucky enough to not have ADHD: I want to know that I am loved and share my love with another person; I want to know that I have a person I can go home to every day; I don't want to have to worry about splitting up, or losing someone. So, I was excited to go to a therapist. I wanted to bring in a stability that I was longing for.

    Unfortunately, I think the therapy came too late. We met with our psychologist (who specializes in couples counseling with an ADHD partner) earlier this week for our 4th session. After some initial progress, we had had a few awful weeks and during our meeting the psychologist asked my girlfriend if she wanted me to "give up trying to work on things in our relationship." She took a couple minutes and said she thought it would be easier if we just gave up, though admittedly, she had difficulty saying conclusively that she wanted our relationship to end. Still, I felt devastated. We had spent the previous 50 minutes discussing new methods of solving our problems, and I was excited to give it a shot, and seeing her waver and so ready to throw in the towel entirely deflated me. I tried to tell her how I felt in the car on the way home, but she was beyond frustrated, and things erupted. When we arrived at our apartment, things went from bad to worse. She had gone to her car, with the intention (I had hoped), of leaving for a bit to cool off, but she came back with a couple of papers that I had left in the backseat. She put it in front of me and said “Even right after counseling you don’t clean up after yourself.” Then, we proceeded to get into the biggest fight we have ever had. As I dodged a flurry of arms and legs, she told me she hated me and kicked me out.

    I feel like a child. I don't have my own apartment. I graduated from university last year and I have been unable to get a job. My girlfriend, a nurse, had been paying the rent. This had been a major point of friction for us. I always felt guilty that I couldn't help out with money, and felt homeless in a way, like I was living in a house that was not my own. Now I am living with my parents. I am twenty six years old, and I feel like I am five. To make it worse, I have zero friends. There are no people in my life that I am close with. I have always avoided friendships, as I feel anxious around people much of the time and am honestly afraid of having friends. My girlfriend had been my whole social life.  Still, thinking about making friends gives me a miniature heart attack. So, this forum will have to do for now.

    I still don't know how much of me is ADHD and where I start. I don't know who I am. Without ADHD, what is left? Although I have had ADHD for my whole life, I really don't know a lot and I am just starting to learn. It has taken a while for me to get to this step. While we were going to therapy my girlfriend, who had been reading "The ADHD Effect on Marriage," would often tell me that she wasn't seeing any improvement and say that I wasn't doing anything to fix my behavior and educate myself. Things, in general, seem to move in slow motion for me and it takes me a while to process new information. I am really scared that I will never be able to have a successful relationship. I am feeling like I am destined to be a child-like figure in any relationship I may pursue. I don't want to be a child anymore, but I don't really know what to do. I can't afford to continue seeing the psychologist on my own, so right now all I have are these forums. Hopefully, my words find good company.

    Thanks everyone.

  • Is it a problem? by: Mr New Hope 11 years 9 months ago

    "If a problem has no solution, it may not be a problem, but a fact - not to be solved, but to be coped with over time."

    - Shimon Peres (1923 - ), 9th President of the State of Israel

    This statement really rang true for me. Men in general are problem solvers. We want to fix. Sometimes there is no solution because there is no problem. Gravity can be perceived as a problem but it is actually a fact that is valued and depended upon. Modern science has allowed us to cope with it over time. I have come to view ADD the same way. Your spouses different way of thinking, being labeled as ADD, is a fact as firm as gravity. It is not to be solved but instead coped with and in many cases valued and depended upon. Color blindness is considered a deficiency in sight and yet it is the color blind person that can see through the camouflage. Have you ever noticed that the ADD Spouse can look at a drawer full of disorganized junk and find the the exact tool or part they needed. They live with that every day so to them that is nothing exceptional. I find that amazing. Like a super power. We must remember they are coping with our world as we are to theirs. When we look for and share the exceptional of each world as a team we stop criticizing the differences.

    I love her so

  • "sabotaging" partner's sleep, but I'm just trying to follow his good habits! by: frankcesca 11 years 9 months ago

    Hi all,

    Wondering how to deal with this problem.  My partner prioritizes sleep above all else.  When he doesn't get enough (most of the time, sadly), he is grumpy and hair-trigger all day long.  The problem is this: I really WANT to get to sleep at the same time as him.  I don't have any issues with falling asleep or staying asleep, which is a mercy!

     

    Reasons:

    1) We work in the same office, so it makes sense to get to sleep together.  Then we can get up, leave the house, get to work, and leave the office at roughly the same time so we are home around the same time for dinner.  

    2) It's just smart!  I have read it 1,000,000,000,734,183 times, it's so helpful for ADDers to get enough sleep.  And I totally feel the difference between sleeping enough and not sleeping enough.  But it's so hard, as y'all know, to put stuff aside on time for bed.  So I try to "anchor" myself to his good habits/intentions.  Then end up dragging his bedtime back by half an hour.

    3) I like having time to be close before we fall asleep.  We still have great chemistry in bed (counting my blessings, I do know others have issues with this).  So I want to keep that time for connecting with him.

     

    Problems:

    I try to get up about 15 minutes before him because I take longer to get ready than he does... but he wakes up to my alarm and doesn't get back to sleep for the next 15 minutes.  Just changed my alarm tone tonight, we'll see if that goes better tomorrow morning.

    When I come to bed a bit late and hope to still have some connection time (see point 3), often enough he's fed up of waiting for me and needs to hash through his upset before he can go to sleep.  By the time he's calm, it's already later than we wanted to go to sleep.  So I'd prefer to go to sleep right away and still get maximum sleep time.  

    If I come in before he's totally 100% fallen asleep, he'll wake up again when I get into bed, and not be able to fall asleep for another 20-30 minutes.  If he thinks I'm coming to bed soon, he is reluctant to try falling asleep, because it's likely I will interrupt him as described.  

    Oh and PS, of course I'm actually a typical ADD night-owl, I have my most productive period starting around 4:30-5:30 PM.  So yes, I am denying my nature to try and fit in.  Figure it's easier than finding a job and recalibrating my entire home life to support a radically different schedule.  And I've decided that starting tomorrow, I will try to do the most interesting stuff at the lowest focus time at work, hoping I can find some hyperfocus there.  (Today I spent 8 hours at work, but spent 20 minutes doing work.  Also rolling myself in guilt for that one.)

     

    Solutions:

    I like Melissa's suggestion of sacred time, before his bedtime, after which I can return to whatever I'm doing... but I'm afraid if I do that, I'll go to bed at 2am every day, have to wake up at 7:30, and spend my life chronically exhausted.  When he goes on business trips for 5-7 days, this is how it happens.  And when I don't get enough sleep, I get sick for 2 weeks at a time.

    Last night after another accusation that he can't control what time he gets to sleep or what time he wakes up, even though sleep is his 1st priority... I had a suggestion.  I "outed" my little game to him, the one where I challenge myself to be ready before he is.  Usually it's in the morning, having the coat and shoes and purse on before him.  It sucked that he never acknowledged how great it was to get out the door without a single snag, on time, etc - so different from the norm.  But I gave myself a little high-five every time.  Anyway, I told him I would make it a challenge for myself to be ready for bed before he is - and if I am not 100% ready 5 minutes before bedtime, I take my things out of the bedroom (phone charger, nighttime lip gloss, etc) and - according to MY RULES (to be clear that he isn't barring me from the bed, he would HATE that) - am not allowed to come in.  I haven't figured out if that means for the whole night (we have a guest room that I can sleep in) or rather until I am 30sec away from tucking myself in and drifting off.  

     

    I just wanted to know if anyone else had the problem that they REALLY REALLY WANT to get enough sleep, just like their partner with good habits, but the ADD symptoms got in the way of the partner's sleep too?  And whether you have found a way to get through it?  I think it totally sucks that my coping strategy for mornings (sacrifice 15min of sleep so I can be ready at the same time he is) has also interfered with his sleep.  What he says is true.  My habits are sabotaging his sleep, making him crankier, and perpetuating the negative cycle.  I just want to make it better for both of us.  Any thoughts?

  • How I found this website/blog... by: YorkshireLass 11 years 9 months ago

    I believe my husband is an undiagnosed ADD maybe a bit ADHD... I'm wondering if anyone can recognize this behaviour in him. I arrived at this website as I was searching for information to help me understand my husband's communication style. I feel like I want to clobber him on the side of the head and reset his brain. Most of the time I feel like I'm living with a teenager, he hyper-focuses on a new hobby as if nothing else exists and lives in a peter pan world of his own.  I can't seem to get through to him, when I try to tell him something I have to pin him down ... i.e. "Fred look at me.  Today I have to work late.  Can you  be home by 3pm, right after work, to take the dog out for a walk?"... and the whole time I feel like he's trying to squirm away and I'm never really confident he is listening.   He can't seem to remember to pay a bill on time and squanders his money.  I feel if I did not hold things together he would end up back where he used to be living in a rented basement apartment with credit agencies after him.  Does this sound like ADHD?  

    Is this conversation style typical of an ADHD person?  His converstaion style gets really extreme if you add the pressure of a disagreement to it and spins out of control in a full on fight.  ts as if he can't answer a question directly.  He twists topics, is slippery and indirect, and responds to a question with an answer that has no bearing whatsoever on the question being asked, truly as if there is a person I cannot see or hear posing a question that he is responding to .  Here's how a conversation might go, though I can't do it justice:

    (he went to IKEA to pick up the brown item)

    Me: do you think you could have picked up the black item by mistake? 

    Him, interrupting: that's just stupid. we were there last night and there were 2 colours on the floor, brown & white.  I took this from the pile that said brown, are you stupid there are 2 colours, white and brown. I can't believe you asked me that.... (turns his back and walks away to do something he doesn't need to do, to put distance between us).

    Me: Ah, well I don't see what MY stupidity has to do with ...

    Him, coming back, interupting: I've got 15 things to do and this being brown its not on my list of things.  Anyway how would you know, you never do anything around here .

    Me: what?  that's just weird, what are you saying?  I'm asking you if you could have picked up black instead of brown,  why can't you just answer a simple question?  Does this look brown to ...  

    Him, interupting: I'm really busy and I've (wanders off ... comes back)

    Me.  Fred, when I ask you a simple queestion you turn it into an insult session? 

    Hiim: How many colours were there. Weren't you there last night?  2, right?  white and brown.  this is brown.

    Me: I had not forgotten I was there, but now I'm not talking about brown or black. I'm wondering why its such a chore asking you a ques.....

    Him, interupting:  Hi puppy! Goes to pet the dog, then walks away, leaving ikea thing in pieces on the floor.

     

    I have not had a meaningful conversatoin with this man, have never seen him finish a book.  His obsessions irritate me, its like he's unbalanced.  Our relationship started off with hiim being hyper focussed on me, and then it fell off a cliff, as if I'm not here now.   He can't plan anything in advance, everything is spur of the moment. If I don't organize a vacation we don't go.  I feel he is incapable of doing most things, as if I try to leave it to him it does not get done, or is done wrong.  I feel neglected. 

    There is 0 chance he'd go talk to a doctor, at this point I'd like to know for myself so I can govern myself accordingly.   What do you think? 

     

     

     

  • Hurting please help I don't know how to cope by: crawfordrose 11 years 9 months ago

    So glad to have found this site. I'm reaching out to anyone who is willing to answer because I feel so desperate and alone. There's a whole mountain more to talk about, but I'll sum up what's been going on.....

    My soon-to-be-ex husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child. I know that he was not given medication (which frankly, I'm not opposed to) but I am not sure if he ever went to therapy. He never addressed it at all during our marriage, only told me the symptoms he experienced. He always says that he is a conflict avoider and so rarely ever discussed anything that required our joint serious attention. Don't you know I begged him to get a diagnosis so I could better understand what he was going through and so we could work together as a loving, successful partnership. 

    The description of what it's like to live with an ADHD spouse fits my dying marriage 100%. From the courtship days, in which I couldn't peel him off of me with a stick even while we were long-distance, to being ignored like an old toy for the hours-long video game play on a daily basis while I struggled to keep our household together on a shoestring, to my husband's decision to divorce me after I took him at his word--he yelled at me to get out of the house (after a huge fight), I stayed in a hotel for a few nights, now he accuses me of leaving him, therefore he claims that he is no longer bound to me. Oh, except he offered to move out and into his brother's home and then stayed there for two whole months before coming back last October. He told me he thought it was best that we permanently separate after Thanksgiving. He hasn't moved out or filed yet, but he expresses a happy-go-lucky attitude and I'm privately flip-flopping between mourning, rage, bitterness, resentment, loneliness, hope, and acceptance. He's used his religion (he magically became interested in going to his church again after our physical separation, even though I had been trying to encourage him to come with me to my church or his own for years) and my actions and words from the past that I apologized for and promised to work harder on to not repeat, as justifiable reasons to leave me. A lot of that stuff, I believe, was a result of the stress, anxiety, and depression that I developed while dealing with his ADHD symptoms. He even blames me for being frigid for 8 months straight, which happened four or five years ago. I grew a lot intimately and learned to initiate more, but even then it wasn't enough. Never mind all the times I asked for his affection last year, only to fall sleep sad and lonely while he stayed up all night playing video games! It's a slap in the face to be mad at your spouse for ignorantly not initiating sex in the past but now abstaining from it by choice for months!!!

    I believe that I may have ADD or ADHD as well, simply because I am aware of my horrible procrastination and struggle to stay focused on tasks (I've struggled with those since I was a child). It got much, much worse while trying to deal his indifference in our partnership. Right now I'm horribly addicted to Facebook. I don't really know until I go through the tests myself to find out if I have ADD or ADHD. and we're too broke to do anything right now.

    We have three children together. I have very few close friends, most of them live out of state. We have a mortgage on a 750 sqare foot 2 bed/1bath house and he earns $1200 a month at a work at home job. He applies for financial aid through his church to help pay our bills. The longest he's ever stayed employed with a single job is two years. He quit half of them. I withdrew from college twice to raise our kids and supported him to finish his degree so we could afford a better lifestyle. Now that he's accomplished the means to get a better job (which was a joint goal of ours when we both started school together) he's planning to use his earnings from his new career to divorce me. I'm 27 with no college degree, three children ages 9 months, 3 years, and 6 years. I do a little freelance artwork but even that is limited because I have no where to set up a studio and work.

    I feel so used and cheated and trapped. I thought we were friends. He's acting like we still are. Verbally and intimately, he's made it very clear that he has no interest in continuing or working on our marriage. Once the divorce is final, aside from custodial arrangements, I never want him in my life again. It's the only way I think I can let him go and maintain peace of mind.

  • Technically not DH's problem, just a vent by: boilergirl 11 years 9 months ago

    My ADHD husband works for a small company (like 10 employees) that does not offer direct deposit. Yep, they hand him a check on payday. You can imagine how difficult it is for him to get the check to the bank (even though there is a bank branch right across the street from his office.) You can imagine the stress it causes when he swears he had the check in is pocket, yet can't find it (luckily he had left it at work). Did I mention he is the main breadwinner? I would be happy to deposit it, but even getting it home is a problem. He got paid on Thursday. Today is Sunday and the check is still at work. The mortgage gets taken out tomorrow and we have less than $100 in our checking account. He is going into work today, so let's see if he can get it into the bank. Sigh. 

  • Things spouses can do on their own by: PoisonIvy 11 years 9 months ago

    Hi.  I'd like some suggestions for activities a spouse can do on her or his own when in a relationship with an ADHD spouse, particularly if the non is contemplating a formal separation or divorce.  I'm looking for suggestions both for activities that I should know how to do so as to live independently (e.g., home repairs) and activities that I can do for fun as a quasi-single person (i.e., a person who the rest of the world thinks is married but whose spouse is emotionally or physically absent or distant and thus not available for activities).  I'm reasonably competent with things such as cooking, cleaning, and taking care of finances.  I've been reading, watching movies, and listening to music more than I used to.  I'd kind of like to travel but have a dog to take care of.  Any suggestions?  Thank you.

  • ADHD or problem with alcohol? by: 20YrVet 11 years 9 months ago

    I am a non-ADHDer married to an ADHD spouse. I'm having trouble telling if he has developed a problem with alcohol, if he is just displaying his ADHD in a somewhat new way, or if I am just overly sensitive. Let me note here that I do not have a problem with having a glass of wine (or even two) or beer at dinner in theory, though I myself don't enjoy alcohol, so I rarely drink it. I do have a problem with drunkenness (as in, I find it bothersome to be around people who drink a lot in one sitting).  So as you read this, keep in mind that I am pretty much a nondrinker who is not opposed to drinking but doesn't enjoy being around heavy drinkers -- this aspect of my personality may play into how I am reading my husband's behavior, and I need to know if the problem is me.

    My husband has always had drinks, and occasionally, though not often, too many. I've thought him a bit obnoxious when he was drunk, but it wasn't a big problem for us until the past few years. He has gotten to know a crowd of people who are more party people, and while his behavior doesn't check out as "alcoholic" according to what I can find on the web (it doesn't interfere with work, and I don't notice him having six or more drinks a night, though maybe I'm not always with him when he drinks, and I don't think he tries to hide when he drinks, for instance), some of it is really disturbing me. He seems to drink more in social situations than he used to. We went on a date at a German festival on Saturday night, and he asked if I had any money because he forgot to stop at the ATM. I said all I had was $26, so exchanged $20 of that for tokens, which were to provide us with food and beverage money. He immediately got a $5 beer, drank that, then said he was going back for another. At that point, I asserted myself and mentioned the need for food, so I was able to get some food before he downed his second beer (without yet eating anything himself). He then got a mulled wine, then exchanged about $15 I didn't know he had for more tokens, so that he could get some food (and give me some more, since what I got was pretty unsatisfying), and then he got an after-dinner liquer. That was it, so only four drinks, but until he produced the extra money he had, it felt like he was drinking all of our food money. We go to sci fi cons, and long after I am in bed, he stays out late with friends or people he meets, drinking until he sometimes reeks and coming back to the room between 3 and 5 a.m. Our church has a pig roast, and he helps with that, and he's said he enjoys it, but it would be better if alcohol were involved. Sometimes at home, when he watched TV alone, he'll mix himself a little Southern Comfort and Coke to watch TV by (so, yes, he drinks alone, though that actually doesn't worry me too much -- but I thought I should mention it). I don't think he does it every night, but I'm not sure. I think it is just one drink, but again, I'm not sure. I know he does it, but I don't monitor how much or how often. But here's the thing that really worries me: he's really gotten into Scotch, and he has purchased flask. If we go to an event where his scotch-drinking friends will be (even a movie, though not often a movie -- more often an outdoor event) or where he thinks he MIGHT meet someone who would appreciate some scotch, he will sneak his flask in. I tend to be very rule-abiding, so it really bothers me that he is sneaking scotch in in a flask like this. Frankly, I don't understand the obsession -- when we go out to dinner, he doesn't always have alcohol (so, again, maybe the problem is me), but he will get into things like the German event where he has to try different beverages and go back and have some, and he really gets into drinking with friends, and he just has to bring his scotch different places. I think it might be an odd hyper-focus on alcohol, not actual alcoholism, and again, it might be me. Can anyone please tell me what they think of this behavior?

  • New to the site - my story by: Ladybug3 11 years 9 months ago

    Hi,

     

    I'm new to this site and forum. I have a lot of questions about living with ADD and with a spouse who has ADD. But before I get into my questions, let me give you some back story. Sadly, this is really long, but I don’t know how to make it shorter without leaving a lot out. Probably a lot of it will be familiar to many people. 

    My husband was diagnosed with ADD in college. Honestly, I never took it very seriously. He seemed fine to me. A little scatter-brained maybe, and he struggled with alcohol a bit, but he quit drinking for a long time and was more organized and involved in planning our wedding than I was!

    We’ve been married for almost 13 years now and it has been quite a roller coaster. A little over a year after we married, we had our first child and proceeded to have two more within four years (as well as losing one to miscarriage). We bought a fixer-upper house while I was pregnant with our second child. When my youngest child was seven months old (and my other two were five and two), I had a heart attack and almost died.  Can you imagine what all this was doing to my marriage?

    A year and a half after the heart attack I had weight loss surgery. I think the two years after that were the best years of our marriage because I had so much energy. I was the happiest I’d ever been, partly because I felt so great (I have a congenital hear defect as well, which made me lower energy to begin with)! And then my weight stabilized, my energy levels went down again, and the downward spiral began again.

     

    During all these years, my DH struggled off and on with alcohol. I was never a big drinker and of course, didn’t drink at all while I was pregnant and only occasionally while my kids were little and waking up at night. His behavior would be erratic – he’d go out partying, he quit doing things around the house (not that he was ever great – I paid my preschoolers to pick up his socks that he left in the living room). Eventually it would get bad, he’d scare himself and he’d get back in line. After my heart attack, he really toned it down. But his organizational skills really began to suffer.

    Last year he had something of a meltdown. He had developed high levels of anxiety, which of course, he was treating with alcohol. He had also developed an irrational fear of heights. He had a couple of late-night “freak outs,” which left me terrified and unsure of what to do. I didn’t feel like I could tell anyone at all, because I didn’t want to damage my husband’s reputation (we were dealing with serious alcohol abuse in some other family members and of course, my DH wasn’t like those people). I promise, this post really isn’t about alcohol. But crazy things were happening with him and he refused to talk to me about it. I finally told him he had to get help. He did, although he wouldn’t tell me much. What he did tell me was that in addition to the ADD, he was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, PTSD and chemical dependency.

     

    Yikes, right?

    So I guess my real questions relate firstly to how I handled his meltdown. I didn’t push him. We didn’t fight – we still don’t fight. But it’s a year later and I still have all the unfinished house projects (it took him two years to patch a hole in a wall in our kitchen and that was with frequent requests), the expensive hunting dog that’s still not trained, the cluttered garage, the neglected yard, the kids he blows up at about leaving lights on when he leaves lights on every day, the drinking until he staggers upstairs every night. Oh, and our finances are a disaster.

     

    I admit it – I checked out. I’ve been out of the finances for years. I couldn’t handle the stress with my health the way it was. I was just trying not to die. And then with this meltdown, instead of getting angry at him (or at his issues), I really just checked out. I couldn’t share with him how his problems were making me feel. I tried seeing a counselor, but she focused too much on his alcohol abuse and didn’t seem to see the other issues he’s having. He quit seeing his counselor. He refuses to take meds because he abused them badly in college. He claims he’s tried some things like meditation (which I fully believe in and practice myself), and for a while he was doing better.

    I try to not enable him – if he can’t find his shoes or his cell phone, I try not to make it my emergency. I am in the process of taking over our finances because he’s terrible about paying bills. Since he does eventually pay them, our credit score is still good. I am naturally frugal and hate to shop, so even though we’re in bad shape, it could be worse. I try to be polite in my requests and not get angry when he gets all upset that we’re going to get mice because there’s popcorn on the floor and then he sits and plays games on his computer while I sweep (after putting the kids to bed, after making dinner and cleaning up the kitchen by myself). He used to help out around the house, but he really doesn’t anymore, although he yells at the kids about how I do too much for them and that they’re so spoiled. But he’s the biggest kid of all.

     

    There’s two weird things about all this. One, my DH really is a good guy! He’s a good friend, he loves to help people, he doesn’t mind doing grunt-type work for his job, he works hard at his job, he's a lot of fun, my family loves him, etc. I know that he truly loves me and I think he thinks we have a great marriage. And I really couldn’t imagine being married to anyone else. But it's like living with two different people sometimes. He puts up with a lot from me, too. Which leads me to my second weird thing: I’m beginning to wonder if I have ADD. Even though I’m a housewife, I never get things to stay clean. I have clutter everywhere. He and I both leave cupboard doors open, which used to bug me, but now I'm just as bad. I’m very visual so file cabinets don’t work at all for me, but I don’t really see mess. I have lots of unfinished projects as well. I forget what I’ve told people. I over-commit and then burn myself out helping other people while neglecting the people I care most about. The main difference between my husband and me is that he’s extroverted and generally optimistic, where I’m introverted and pessimistic. I’ve been depressed most of my life, but I’ve begun to see that he has, too, and it just looked really different. To escape, he sleeps and watches tv. I stay up too late and read books.

    Anyway, I really don’t know where to go from here. I’m realizing that I’m very lonely in this relationship and I want to change it, but there doesn’t seem to be any productive way for me to approach my husband, especially since whatever I would say, he’d be able (and justified) to turn right back at me. I’m a bit of a mess at this point – my time management skills are down the tubes, I’m drinking too much, I’m not getting enough sleep, I’ve quit exercising, which combined with increased alcohol, has caused me to gain back a few pounds, which makes me even more tired. It’s too exhausting to think about sharing my real heart with him and whenever I open up a little bit about what I’m thinking or feeling, I get shot down and I feel stupid for wanting a deeper, more meaningful life. I think a lot about faith, about meaning, about purpose and such things. He used to, but now it seems to just make him feel like a failure and he has all the reasons that I should be happy with the way things are. And I never know if he’s really listening to me. Sometimes I wonder if he truly likes me, because I’ve heard him listen to his sister and spend hours on the phone with her and then turn around and tell me that he doesn’t really like her.

     

    Neither one of us handles criticism well (I get defensive too) and as I look back, I realize our relationship began to fall apart after our first child was born. It makes me really sad, because we did love each other. It also makes me sad because neither one of us will leave unless the other does something truly awful – we’re committed to each other and our marriage and I’m facing a lifetime of being lonely and of patching the wounds of my children. I yell at them plenty, too, but I know how to apologize and I do it frequently with hugs and assurances that I love them, plus I spend lots of time doing things like reading out loud, playing music, hanging out on the couch, etc., that my relationship with them can better handle some bumps. My DH is just not around, since he works, and he’s so edgy when he is home. Sometimes I just wish he would leave for a while. He used to travel a lot and while it was hard on me because the kids were little, I miss the time alone and I think he does too.

    I’m sorry to have written a novel and I’m probably rambling now. Any suggestions or help would be greatly appreciated. I know that part of the root of my DH’s issues is his ADD and I need to become better educated about how to recognize it and manage it.

     

    Thanks for reading, if you made it this far!

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