Are there different levels to ADHD?  My husband (although undiagnosed) has ADHD -- I'm positive about that based on the symptoms but he doesn't exhibit as much severity with it in some areas as other people do.  Yet, he is a poster child for it in other ways.   He does household chores -- many, in fact.   But he is so distracted when driving, it scares me.  AND -- he rides a Harley Davidson sometimes too.  He kept the same job for 20 years, then moved to another area and has had 7 jobs in the last 2 years.  He's spontaneous and fun but can become angry over the most trivial things.  Yet, other major anger triggers don't bother him.   Does everyone who is ADHD NEED to be on medication?  I'm new to this and want to help him and keep our marriage from disaster like I keep reading other's have fallen into.

My spouse lost/misplaced his wallet . . . again.

He asked me for some cash and my debit card to use for the day.  I gave him some cash, but told him I needed my debit card.  He left.  He is 'pretty sure' the wallet is here - out in the yard, out in the barn, lost among all the junk back there.

My stomach is in knots.    Who takes care of the money/finances in our home - yep, it is me.

Grrr.....

found this site after another evening of sobbing on the couch. Been married 4 years, have 2 small kids. Always knew DH had a problem with organization, but never realized the extent of his dysfunction. Just a few pieces of the puzzle I have put together: horrible with finances (after a horrendous and flagrant failure on his part that cost us thousands, I now handle everything related to all our finances, but I can't even get him to give me a bill he has to submit, or give me the name of the dental insurance--we're on his new insurance, etc); reckless /distracted behavior (2 accidents this year, 2 speeding tix); loses things (today's incident, which set off tonight's fight was that he went somewhere with the baby, and left the 150$ stroller on the street and drove off and didn't even realize it,  now its gone); quick to flare (often claims he is not angry, but I frequently feel like he is jumping down my throat or badgering me, esp. if I tell him I am upset about something, he turns it on me, goes on the attack); job issues (very smart, charismatic, hired easily, but also fired easily--not even understanding or sensing that he is gong to be fired, which suggests a lack of social awareness); genetic issues (his father has depression and I believe a mental illness,  he has an older child (my stepson) with significant executive functioning issues and is significantly learning disabled, now my toddler son exhibits signs of ADD). I am sure I am not contributing to the dynamic because I nag, get upset, cry, yell, and feel resentful and withdraw. A year ago, after begging and pleading (after the 3rd firing in 2 years) he saw a psychiatrist, who put him on ritalin but also stressed cog behavior or ADD coach. DH takes the meds, say they help him at work, but he has never followed up with anything else, and our home life has changed little: while we both work F/T (me more than him--maybe 60 hours a week, often at night since I come home, make dinner, put kids to bed, clean and prep for the next day and then resume work).  I do all the finances, planning, cleaning, organization, school applications, mail, doctor's appts, etc, and on top of it I have to deal with his mess ups. Another factor at play is that he snores horribly and (after a year of me begging and yelling) he saw an ENT who gave him an RX do to a sleep study, but he has not done it yet--its been 16 months since his appt and the rx expired, of course).   We also dont sleep in the same bed anymore, which is terrible for our marriage. I told him that it made me feel unimportant and he said that he cared--but I likened it to me having a problem that kept me from having sex and refusing to see a doctor for it. How would that make him feel?

 I feel desperate but the thing that keeps me from leaving him is that I'm terrified of leaving my kids with him for an extended period of time. Today, in addition to coming home without the stroller, the baby was bleeding from a gash--she had fallen. Falls happen, of course, but give his electronic addiction (he frequently checks email while watching the kids) I have to wonder and I hate that I have that doubt.  He admitted to me tonight that he had problems keeping more than one thing in his mind at once, but said that I have to understand that about him and that its not fair for me to get angry about things like the stroller. What he doesn't understand is that its not the stroller, its his willingess to acknowledge that he has a problem, but refusal to do anything about it. He can see it in his son, although even there, he leaves the heavy lifting to his ex, or, now to me, to schedule, make sure homework is done, showers taken, meds taken, etc. It hurts me deeply that he'll surf the web for hours (he has 2 cell phones and thus endless electronic distraction) but will not take 45 min to see a counselor, or 5 minutes to look up the information I need for our finances, etc. He thinks that intention is all that matters--he does't intend to hurt me, so I have no right to being hurt. He doesn't intend to mess up, so I can't be angry, etc. 

I have always been an overachiever, capable person, but I am at my limit--exhausted and angry, and filled with resentment. I am worried that I won't be able to recover from these feelings, or put them aside enough to generate positive feelings. He thinks I am overreacting, and that my anger is 'my choice.' of course he's right, perhaps if I were superhuman i could choose not to be angry, but I feel at the same time that he is asking me to give up on any reasonable expectation that he can be a real partner in this marriage.  

where do I go from here? how do I deal with these feelings? I feel like I need Al-Anon for spouses of those with ADD. 

DH has business debts and very little retirement money saved.  We passed retirement age but both have our own small dwindling businesses.  We just had a personal visit to our home this morning by someone who he owes rent and utilities for his workshop.  This was a debt where I had specifically asked, "Do you owe them money?"  He said he was paid up.  A lie again.  After the person left, I waited to hear his response.  No words at all.  He was waiting for me to talk while he hung his head in silence.  In the past I would start with things like, "Let's do a budget", Let's look at this and find some solutions", etc. Or I might yell in exasperation with a "How Could You?" Ending with me taking care of things for the moment while he mumbled empty promises and did crossword puzzles.  This time I did not yell or try to help him figure this out.  HE started yelling at ME for not being compassionate saying "Its hard to cooperate in a relationship when YOU are not compassionate." And then some "made up" insinuations toward me about our entire family life.  This had worked for him for decades with me as I used to try to accept MY part of the relationship failures.  In the past, I would consider what he said to me and I would try harder or different.  He would walk away feeling like he WON the conversation and forget it.

What I have learned.  No words or support or trying to understand him has any effect on what he does or what he thinks or how he feels.  He soothes himself with pastimes and bad habits and then is able to forget.  That is all he can handle.  That is all I can expect from him.  I have been manipulated all those years to give HIM security and social acceptance and my reward is his blame. That is all I am USED for to him.  He has not loved me.  He impulsively fooled around at every opportunity.  I guess I thought he would love me for all I did for him, but he does not even accept that I did anything for him.  He can only soothe himself through the present moment. He can only work to create a reality and history in his mind to make himself feel good about himself. He likes to think of himself as a great and fun guy.

We need to rid ourselves of his business, but he has become a dirty pack rat in his rented workshop and I can't do this for him.  I don't know where to turn.  I need some help from a local source but don't know who to confide in.  I have talked to lawyers, financial planners and minister. I can't do this alone.  It is not mine to do alone...it is his business.  I wish I had a strong, intelligent brother to lean on and go through all the particulars of what I should do.  I don't have someone like that so I guess I need to let this house of cards fall down where it will and take my punishment for "letting" him make such a mess of us.  In the old days that was called staying together for the sake of religion/children/integrity and believing in prayer and love.  Today it is called being stupid, weak, codependent, enabling and closing my eyes to reality.  I need to make major changes rather than let it continue in a downward spiral.  I need to be the catalyst to make the changes about HIM and his business dept.  But I can only change ME.  Being married is different than being a business partner.  You can walk away from a business and still have your family in tact.  

Right now, I am being blamed by him for this recent visit by his creditor because as he says I didn't show HIM enough love. He denies to himself that his business is not making a living wage.  I think he wants me to take care of it.  Then, later he will blame me for closing his business when it was going so well.