Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Tables turning. by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 3 months ago

    WOW!! he is trying to manipulate me in to thinking he is this good great man,when I know that he is more than a jerk,I honestly don't think it's just ADHD,this man has more than ADHD,I see many on here with ADHD and is doing really good like YYZ,and PB,these men are trying very hard and is doing very good as far as I can recall,but my ADHD husband is a pure nasty liar and a porn star,all he studies is porn, women, and money, gambling and other's, and expect me to be with him after all his wrong doings.No way,,he is trying all things to make me miserable and then proceeds to try and manipulate me.

    I have had enough.Sunday he called saying he can't walk, and to bring him some cigarettes,when I got there,and the only reason why I went was to help him b/c he has no one else,then I made his breakfast,went back home by me and cooked lunch and went back and dropped off some lunch for him.I went home after,did not stay at all.Then in the afternoon he is calling me telling me to bring dinner,again I went and got him dinner.

    right,

    Monday I went over to tell him I can't do this again,and that the nagging and the accusations also the bad talking of my family and home has to stop.I told him that we need to stop this right away but he was not listening.He said that I spoiled his day and that I am a two timing bit** and that I am childish,well I told him to never call me again.

    lovehurts.

  • I am feeling there is no hope because he says he will never take medicine. by: Nats375 12 years 3 months ago

    I have been married to a man with ADD/ADHD for 14 years. He has taken medicine several times. In my eyes, the medicine was a miracle! I felt like I had a partner. I wasn't carrying the weight of our lives on my shoulders. He got off the medicine because he said it makes him feel dead inside. For 5 years I have held onto the hope that he would realize how much medicine helps him and maybe try a different medication. Currently our lives are suffering tremendously because of his untreated ADHD/ADD. I asked him if in an effort to help relieve some of the stress in our marriage he would please try some of the other medications out there. He said he won't. I am committed to my marriage but I am completely miserable. I am 3 months pregnant with our 4th child and he is unemployed again. He watches TV and the IPad for 10 hours a day. I am so alone in my marriage! I do almost everything myself. I am so scared that my kids are learning to be lazy by watching him. He has an issue that needs treatment. Why doesn't he see how important it is? He had only tried adderall. I researched many other medications and there are other options but he absolutely refuses to try anything else. Any ideas? 

  • New and at my end by: RWA 12 years 3 months ago

    Hello,

    I want to start by saying this web site has been a blessing to me.  I am the non ADD wife who was thinking I was going crazy until I found this forum. Some of these stories we could of written ourselves. As I  was reading them I started to cry, because 18 years of not understanding came flooding out. I would look around at other families and they didn't seem to go through what we did. His anger I thought was from his child hood along with his not being able to communicate .The outbursts and rage that would come with no warning.  The not paying bills or following through on any of his responsibility's . I would sit and wonder why everything else would seem more important than me or the kids. He would always remember to do the things that were important to him. ( coaching-hunting, etc.)  But , when I would ask him to take out the trash or something needed to be done it was upsetting to him. I am writing because I have no one to talk to about this and really feel like I am at my end.  I have so much guilt for not being able to give my children the life I wanted them to have as far as a stable family. The impact on them is so apparent now. My son gets a vocal tic when the stress gets really bad I have spent years being told that it was my fault and how I don't respect him.

    On the bright side he always coached the kids and has always worked. I know he loves the kids and would do anything for them. Unfortunately all the bad stuff over  rides the good. I am at the point of exhaustion and divorce because I don't see  any hope. He did  read a post I sent him from here and he is going to talk to someone tomorrow and is getting evaluated. I  was supposed to go because the counselor  wanted  me to go but he has changed his mind

     I know everyday I have to get up and hold it together for my kids because they don't deserve this. I know this sounds stupid but I feel like I am broken.

    Thank you for listening.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • My apologies if this is the wrong place to post, but question for ADHDers by: ss09 12 years 4 months ago

    Did you experience courtship hyperfocus with everyone you ever dated or was it only the ones you truly fell in love with?

  • At my wits end by: Mel 12 years 4 months ago

    Hi Everyone,

    Newbie here. I just googled "why is my husband so thoughtless and inconsiderate?" and found this website!  Wow. It's so incredible to find a place where so many might understand my pain.

    I will try to keep this brief, which always seems tough when talking about ADD! A little background: We are both undiagnosed ADD (according to my research).  We have been together 2.5 years and living together for 1.5 years, he's 44, I am 47. I have no children, he has two boys, one is 25 and lives on his own, the other is 12 and lives 9 hours away.  We feel like we're married and often refer to each other that way...We live together now and are planning to get married, no date set. The wedding is pending our house being built. We love each other and want to grow old together.  But this ADD thing has me really scared.  I am so aware of my symptoms, but he is the complete opposite and doesn't think it's harming our relationship.  I am so tired of trying to talk to him, yelling at him, pleading with him, crying for him to understand that this is serious and he is hurting our relationship very badly.  He keeps saying "Thank you for the wake up call, I am going to pull my head out of my a** now and you will see a changed man...I promise" It doesn't happen.

     

    Today, I made plans to have lunch with my boyfriend.  My boyfriend is a project manager for a custom home builder. He's a busy guy. I'm a landscape designer and internet marketer and work at home.  So anyway, we agree on a time and I was pleased to see that my boyfriend was there on time, actually early. I've been complaining loudly lately about his inability to keep in touch when he's going to be late.   He's always late because somebody needed something and he's taking care of somebody else.  Sends a clear message at this point.  He says he's sorry he takes me for granted.... He is Mr. Perfect Multi-Tasker Impeccable Time Manager at work, but can't seem to be on time (or call when he's late) when we have plans....

    The reason I'm sitting here in search of answers and eyes full of dried tears is that for the %$#@th time I've made plans to have lunch with him, I get there hoping for (I admit) some "one on one time" , hoping to see a glimmer of interest in his eye or hear even one question about my day or my life.  Looking for some intimacy and bonding basically.  Back to the %#@th time story; we are sitting there for several minutes making small talk, or more commonly he's taking phone calls. I mean God forbid he could turn his phone off to have lunch with me, oh no, he only does that when he's in a meeting with a client. So, this happened today as it has many times....we're sitting there and his co-workers walk in, or other contractors he works with and sit down with us.  He's invited them to join us for lunch and didn't bother to mention it.  I know this many sound trivial.  I'm just so raw to all the inconsideration and plain lack of common courtesy, or basic communication, every tiny thing is huge to me now...so much is piled up.  I wasn't really needing to have lunch with my husband and the plumber, or whoever.  They just talk about work the whole time anyway.  I end up feeling very unimportant and frustrated. Any my boyfriend is his usual oblivious-happy-as-a-clam-self!

    After nearly 3 years together now, I can say that he is the most insensitive, thoughtless, careless, emotionally unavailable, poorest communicator guy I've ever been with. (And I've been with a lot of jerks)  The good thing is that he's happy, happy, happy all the time. Never a cross word for me, never any criticism whatsoever for me.  Which makes me think he's just stuffing it all.  There MUST be things about me that drive him crazy!  That's normal.

    I'm ashamed to say that I read his emails and go through his phone to read texts just to see what he's forgotten to tell me.  He knows I do this.

    What is going on in his head?  Why can't he remember to tell me anything?  Again, he is Johnny on the spot at work and super detail oriented. He keeps track of a gillion details and talks to clients and subs all day.  I mean he is so good at his job it's ridiculous!  I've become a little resentful of that actually.  He bends over backwards to take care of the company he works for and his clients (and there is NO financial gain in him doing so , he is very underpaid). He does so much work off the clock it makes me crazy!  My point is, he does NOT bend over backwards to make me happy as he does at work.  I don't feel I'm even on his "to-do" list!

    I often feel he doesn't even know how to ask me questions about myself!  He will sometimes remember to ask "How was your day", but he's totally satisfied with "fine" and doesn't ask any more questions, or keep up with what's going on around the house, like the bills getting paid...he has no clue.  Of course we can talk for hours in the evening about his job, because I ask questions and pay attention so I know what's going on with each client.  If I start talking about my work or something important to me, he will often interrupt me to talk about himself.  Yea, everyone does that occasionally, but it's habitual with him and it just makes me feel he's not paying attention to anything I say!

    That's enough ranting for now! I'm sure there's more to come.

    What to do?

    Mel.

     

     

  • Extreme marital crisis by: ss09 12 years 4 months ago

    I'm non-ADD.  Hubby diagnosed 1 week before we met.  Went on Adderall from family doc, no psych or therapist.  Only on Rx during week and wouldn't take Rx until time to go to work...by the time he got home, it had worn off.  Essentially all of our time together was unmedicated.  Best courtship ever.  Moved in after 6 weeks, engaged at 2 yrs, married at 3.  Wednesday will be our 3 yr anniversary.  As things became more serious, our relationship fractured.  Got him to start taking Rx on weekends which initially helped, but it didn't last.  We now have a 14 mos old daughter and the last couple of yrs have gotten worse and worse.  I've done the ol' parenting/controlling role - and as an adult child of an alcoholic I had that one down in spades.  Last 6 mos have been the worst, compounded by an upcoming involuntary relocation across the country and a stage IV cancer diagnosis for his dad.  Currently I'm at home w/ my daughter and he's working at home now for 7 mos - probably the worst idea ever.  I also believe I had post partum depression.  Every possible obstacle we could have, we've had, on top of unregulated ADHD.  We went to an "expert" briefly when I was pregnant w/ my daughter - this dude told me to be more of a parent, regulate his free time down to the minute, more rules, you name it.  We now agree that probably did more damage.  3 weeks ago I got the ILYB bomb and we're now "trying" to rebuild, especially considering we have a daughter.  That night he had planned to move into the guest room for the foreseeable future while he "worked on things" and had planned to start CBT for ADD.  He has spent every night in our room since and after that talk I realized I had become a very mean person, even to complete strangers.  This is not who I am at all.  The night of the talk sparked something in me - I'm just not angry anymore.  Well don't get me wrong, I'm PISSED that he now admits his love has been slowly dying for sometime now, since around the time we were trying to get pregnant.  I'm pissed b/c this whole time he'd been doing the aloof distracted crap and I honestly thought he had no emotion whatsoever around things while I was begging him to learn more about ADD and to save our marriage.  I'm pissed b/c we were trying to get pregnant and now have a 14 mos old daughter who's world lies in our hands...really it lies in his hands.  I've also learned he has lied about almost everything.  Or creative re-telling, as the case may be, I don't know.  Regardless, I don't trust anything he says.  He also has had very strange emotional reactions to things.  Like his dad's cancer - he's had almost no emotion over that.  He likes to call it optimism until given a reason to think otherwise...but this situations is FULL of reasons otherwise.  Stage IV lung cancer w/ brain mets, 2 brain surgeries, 1 lung surgery, given 1 yr tops if he hadn't had the surgeries.  Hubby was emotional exactly 1 time and that was when we thought we wouldn't get there before the emergency brain surgery when we first found out.  Other than that, it's almost like it's not happening.  He had a sheet-eating grin on his face when he told me ILYB, and he had it again when he recently told me that his dad was being sent to the ER unexpectedly, and he had it again re: his dad a few days ago w/ an equally scary announcement.  He says he has no real emotion for anyone right now besides our daughter.  Of course, he's not talking about disowning his dad b/c he doesn't have emotion towards him, but he IS talking about destroying our family.  

    FTR- I made just about every possible mistake I could with this.  I didn't have the tools, I didn't understand ADD or my interaction.  I'm reading the ADHD Effect book now and learning so much.  He, however, is now wondering if his ADD courtship hyperfocus phase means he never really loved me in the first place.  Is this even possible?  I mean, he didn't hyperfocus on every girl he dated.  We used to be that couple every one was jealous of.  Not just during hyperfocus, either.  On our wedding day he said he wasn't nervous at all, just excited.  Now he's saying he doesn't even know if he really loved me?  Of course he says black at one moment and white at the next.  Ironically we're spending more time together now than we ever have.  We're not at each other's throats, except days like today when he didn't take his RX and it was pretty rough.  Problem is now that I'm not mad anymore and back to my old self, it hurts SO MUCH MORE when he does the typical ADD stuff.  Before my anger was protective, even though it did still hurt then.  But now....I'm crushing underneath it all.  

    We started marriage counseling last week.  He's a willing participant and when we're there you'd almost think he really does want to try, but I don't know if it's all just an act or what?  I don't know if all he is remembering is bad.  Even after the time he said the emotion started to die, he would have random unsolicited declarations of love.  I don't know.  I don't want to be stupid, but I don't believe him when he says the love is gone.  I believe he feels that way right now, but...  I'm so scared that the distracted/aloof stuff of ADD will make it impossible for him to really try to save our family.  

    Any input is welcome here.  

  • How do you change the way you think ? by: funnyfarm 12 years 4 months ago

    I've posted before 'how do you let go of anger?'  so here is another question, how do you change the way you think or feel about things.    Sometimes he does things for 'me', and I don't appreciate them because really what he does I don't feel is for ME at all but for him.  I am aware that i don't appreciate the things he does lately.  So say for my B'day, which he actually remebered this year he bought me something that HE thought would be cool, yet i told him previously I did not want one.  One year he bought me a 'tool' for my B'day, are you kidding ? Sometimes he will make me a drink, and say here i made you this drink....I don't drink, what he really means is "I felt like a drink so I'm handing you one", he knows I don't drink..I can't drink i am very sensitive to alcohol...if i have a drink i would be passed out cold.  there are many many examples, of things he does for ME, yet really he didn't have ME in mind at all.  I don't like not appreciating his 'effort' but after 20 years how do you not know me ?

  • sexless marriage wth adhd partner by: steeler 12 years 4 months ago
    I am trying to cope with very little sex with my wife...I'm doing everything in the house and am frustrated with not having sex. She was diagnosed year ago and the physical relationship has diminished drastically. I am contemplating going outside my marriage for sex but I don't want that.....I am supportive and am at my wits end. Managing finances, renovations, car maintenance and work and being father to our 3 yr old and a recovering alcoholic is taking its toll. This is myfirst blog about this and I can't take it anymore.I'm 43 yrs old and my sex drive is thru the roof. I'm tired of waiting and initiating sex....weve been marrried 8 yrs...she is seeing counselor but I don't know what to do anymore. please give me some advice!
  • Keeping strong....feeling nothing...he pushed me further and further away... by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 4 months ago

    I don't miss him.I don't feel for intimacy with him.I don't even want to be next to him.I have resentment for him.I don't want to be around him.I am keeping strong.So far,I am doing other things to keep my mind off him,like watch movies,make healthy meals,play with my cats,clean the house and work in some extra hours (spend time with my kids)much more....I have been doing great.Also, I have been trying to sell my car to buy a more updated one,and renovate a portion of my house,I am keeping busy..Trying to stay focused and not be distracted....

    He is not good for me,he is very bad for me,he would keep me down in life and I am not going to give up my (WHOLE) life for a man that acts like a 12 year old all year long, 365 days a year, and not be willing to make change.."I loved him",,,,he has lost a very good good woman,,,,I don't know if he would ever be able to find a woman who was willing to give up everything for his attention for that long and also neglecting her own self....YES! I neglected myself for him because I saw that he needed plenty of attention,but,what I didn't know was that he would need that all the time.I was willing to help and be there for him,but I know that will never work if he does not want to change and make it work for HIM first and then" I will fall in" just naturally.

    I am sorry that I had to end things with him like this, but it's for the sake of my own sanity,I was losing myself for a while and I had to find back myself before it was too late.....

    lovehurts....

  • Help finding a doctor by: MrsVelo 12 years 4 months ago

    We're having a very difficult time finding a doctor that specializes in adult adhd that also accepts our insurance.  Can anyone help us?

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