Hello Everyone, I'm a new member. My husband and I have been married almost 27 yrs. We have 10 children. I'm a homemaker, he a small business owner. We think he has adhd and are trying to find someone who specializes in adult add for diagnosis and treatment. Our marriage has become disconnected, we're frustrated, (more me than him), and we've had a few fights that spiral into intense anger, then deep sadness for me. I've had my own depression issues, worthlessness, unlovable, ever since I can remember. My relationship with my parents is very superficial, even today, with occasional criticisms of me. As a child I remember I was pretty intense and this bothered my mother. I've had different counselors over the years to help with these issues. My husband, on the other hand is easy-going, confident, usually fun, always has had a good opinion of himself, or good self esteem. He can also be sarcastic, defensive, and passive/aggressive. My husband has always wanted to "fix" me, because it seemed I was the only one who needed fixing. A few months ago he found a new counselor for me as my latest one died suddenly. It seemed to be going well. He gave me a book that not only helped me, but actually helped my husband more. It's about not fighting within the family and having a group-minded mentality. My depression really lifted so much once he started to treat me in a much more kindly way. (I've always been taught that our happiness is of our own making, but really, much of my sadness was due to his treatment of me, just mean and cold, got worse in 2000 with the start of his first business venture, mostly due to the stress of it). Anyway, our 8 yr old daughter was recently diagnosed inattentive/distracted add (no hyper). Doing research for her led me here. Then reading things here led me to purchase the ADHD marriage book by Dr. Orlov. I really think it's quite possible that my depression has been exacerbated by my husband's undiagnosed ADD (he's not hyper, as far as I can tell, but we still need an official diagnosis). The counseling I've been getting over the last few months is based in cognitive behavioral therapy. Basically, I need to watch out for my own mental health and avoid the things, discussions, arguments that lead to a fight and then to bad feelings and sadness. But, that approach is leaving me feeling more disconnected from my husband. We're married, I shouldn't be avoiding him like someone on facebook that I disagree with. Now Dr. Orlov's book takes a slightly different approach. She says that the symptoms of add effect us both, and until they are dealt with, things are not going to improve, they'll at best remain status quo, at worst lead to a separation. I believe our Faith has helped us tremendously. As a matter of fact, my husband has a spiritual director he sees once a month. He's actually, now that I know certain things, been acting as an ADHD life coach. He helps my husband see when he has treated me or the kids poorly and tells him how to correct his behavior, he has given him limits on certain things that, before reading the adhd marriage book, we didn't know were related to having adhd. I'm just afraid that my husband will not be able to see that most likely, our poor marriage and my deep sadness over it (and his frustration) are a result of the untreated adhd. He's a lot like the some of the men described that don't want to admit to it, or think it's a scam. He has said that he thinks 50% of the population could be "diagnosed" with add, "you just need to get more sleep, eat better, exercise and organize better". He has a pretty stereotypical outlook on adhd. Anyway, he is a very good man, who sincerely tries to do his best. I have very high hopes for a very happy marriage if we can get diagnosis and treatment that works. Any thoughts, advice? We're also having a hard time finding someone who specializes in adult add that also accepts our insurance. We've been on unemployment and under-employed since 2009, though we've managed to continue to pay our insurance premiums as we have 2 kids with a chronic illness. We've just started a new company, with our oldest son, and son-in-law, that looks really promising. Maybe at some point insurance won't matter, but right now, having the coverage is crucial. Thanks everyone.
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- New member, non-adhd wife by: MrsVelo 12 years 4 months ago
- Codependency / Parent-Child pattern by: MyD0j0 12 years 4 months ago
I'm curious...
My wife is being treated for codependency. I'm not sure how much of it is related to my ADHD and the drinking I was doing (now sober) vs. a childhood that I know had some serious issues that I won't go into detail about here. However, I'm curious how the parent-child pattern of an ADHD relationship compares and contrasts from codependency.
Anyone with any knowledge they might share?
- Living in the Moment by: jennalemon 12 years 4 months ago
Again, I am at odds with myself. There is a funeral visitation for a good friend of mine's ex. I don't want my DH to go along with me but he is insisting. Why don't I want him along? Because he will over-shadow my presence with his over the top "personality". He will take my good friend in his arms and give her a total body to total body embrace, held too long and inappropriate for what the situation is. He believes he is so personable and friendly and "in the moment". He will use up the conversation time with how involved he had been with the couple even though it was my friend and he was invited along to the events most often. He tends to see the world through his own importance and it is always out of proportion. It is my friend of 20 years who I want to spend some time talking with. I will be embarrassed, a little angry, and I will feel like the unpersonable one next to him because I will be embarassed and irked. He did this with my niece last week - the total body embrace with a kiss too long (almost like the sailor pictures after WWII was over) while I stood behind and tried not to show what I was thinking. I just want to be real. I don't want to be invisible. When I say something about this to him, he attacks ME verbally. His "living in the moment" sometimes cancels me out.
- Need tips on how to handle all the lies by: Anonymous (not verified) 12 years 4 months ago
My husband has ADHD and he lies constantly about big things and little things. The really, really big lies (affairs, spending huge amounts of money, etc.) ended a few years ago, which is a good thing. However, the other lies have continued.
For example, we have set up a budget to pay off debt. There is enough money in the budget for us to eat well, live a decent life, give the kids the experiences they need (soccer, baseball, swimming lessons, etc.). There is not enough money in the budget for extravagant things (going out to lunch every day, buying a new smart phone or computer, buying excessive amounts of alcohol, soda, junk food, etc.). I stick to this budget like glue. He does not. And he lies about it. I see all of our accounts. I watch for transactions on them. I know what he spends and what he does with his money. He thinks he is fooling me by pulling cash out at weird times, claiming it was for something that it wasn't, and then spends it on whatever he wants. And sometimes he uses a credit card, hoping I'll somehow miss the transaction.
So, I know he is over-spending on the budget by around 200 a month. For the first year or so, I confronted him, gently, with these things. These conversations would go like this: 1) Deny everything, 2) Get confronted (gently as possible!) with the evidence and 3) get extremely angry and have a temper tantrum about being controlled, 4) Be reminded that this budget was OUR budget that we both want to get out of debt and that he had all the input in the world into it and FURTHER, we ALWAYS have the opportunity to amend the budget together, 5) Go over the budget again, 6) Come to the conclusion that the budget is sound, 7) Promise to stick to the budget, 8) Walk off in an angry huff muttering about being controlled.
Repeat this pattern about lots of other things in life--where he is at night, what things he did and did not do around the house, etc.
So obviously this is a bad pattern. Talking to him about the lies doesn't work--it just upsets both of us. Also, the lies at this point are pretty contained--small enough things that I should really just let it go.
Anyway, my long-winded question is, how the heck do I let this go? Lies are such a hot-button issue for me. They make me insanely angry inside. When I catch someone in a lie, I literally see red and have to go sit somewhere and calm down by breathing and meditating. I try to put the lie into perspective, see it for what it is--his defense mechanism to avoid embarrassment that he can't/won't control himself. I try to remind myself that I have bigger fish to fry and that, ultimately, this lie is doing little to harm to the family as a whole. But it still winds me up for at least 20 to 30 minutes after finding out about one. Multiply that by several lies a day, and I have a severe management problem inside my brain.
I am sure I'm not the only one dealing with this. I just want to stop feeling angry. The logical part of my mind knows the lies will happen every day. They will keep happening. They will never stop happening and I will have to deal with them as long as I have dealings with him, and since we have children together, that's going to be a long time, regardless of how our marriage turns out. Logically, this all works inside my head and logically, I see no reason to get upset. My emotions are not listening to my logic. I would really love to connect them up.
Thanks for listening.
- It finally just...clicked by: ChaosQueen 12 years 4 months ago
I am new to this site (just found it maybe a week ago) and brand new to forum posting. I wasn't sure where to post this, so I hope I got it right. I was going to tack my story on as a comment to another discussion, but again, wasn't sure where it best fit. But, I wanted to share. My husband and I have been married for eight years very hard, but overall good years. He and I BOTH are ADD! (As are most, if not all, of our four daughters, but that's another post for another day.) Although having a marriage and family so fraught with ADD and all the challenges that brings, we have been a pretty good match, for the most part. We have plenty of petty disagreements, but neither of us are really fighters and both of us are quite seriously committed to the long haul, no matter what it takes. But, from the very beginning we have had one (really big) issue of contention and disconnect. Sex.
This one thing has been the cause of so much pain, misunderstanding, rejection, isolation, and more gut-wrenchingly emotional "discussion" than I can count. He is very hypersexual and has also battled an addiction to porn since childhood. I am the polar opposite. Although I always thought, prior to any personal experience, that I was a very sexually driven person, after marriage (we were both virgins when we married) reality quickly became much less interesting and tedious than I had imagined. I fall soundly into the group of ADD-ers who lack the ability and focus needed to linger and just be in the moment, which makes sex something that I get very little out of and very quickly felt more like a chore than something enjoyable and connecting between myself and the man I love so dearly.
For years we have gone the rounds over this "thing" between us. Our giant elephant in the room. His sexual appetite is insatiable. He has been very demanding and impatient when he feels his needs are not being met. He very quickly gets frustrated and moody, sometimes to the point of being miserable to live with, when he isn't getting "enough". His methods of "flirting" and "enticing" me have been very coarse and off-putting, and even offensive. Then there is the immense damage done to each of us and our relationship over "the porn thing". That issue came to a head a few years ago, just before our third daughter was born, and I gave him the ultimatum of having to choose once and for all which was more important to him, me and our marriage or his uncontrollable need to stare at nudie pictures online and masturbate during, and at frequent other times, too. I told him I felt as though, through all the abuse (that word didn't sit well with him) that he'd put me through concerning sex, that I had remained loyal to the vows I made when we married, but that this other thing had become such a mistress to him that it felt like nothing short of cheating to me. He made his choice and spent months working regularly with our church leader to overcome the addiction. I tried to convince him to see a therapist to help, but he has always refused. After not knowing for months if we would make it through, he eventually was able to put the porn addiction mostly behind him. Three years later he still struggles with the temptation to delve back into it, and often catches himself starting and quickly stops. But, the frustration and anger and moodiness that I came to associate with the times when he was in the grip of the addiction most strongly are still frequent visitors in our home.
What I want to make clear is that this is not a bad man. He is not the monster he may sound like from reading all I just wrote. He is a wonderful, loving, loyal, amazing man. He is still the love of my life. And, I haven't made it easy on him, either. As you can imagine, his behaviors and expectations through these past eight years regarding sex have often caused a rift between us, and often make it very hard to want to be open enough to share such an intimate thing with him. Add to that my lower than normal sex drive and my inability to focus and just "be there", which also almost always means a total inability to orgasm. In the midst of all this turmoil, I have spent so long wondering what is wrong with *me*. What it is that has brought me to the point of feeling such resentment and disgust at even the thought of having sex. I spent so long blaming my husband for "breaking" me, which caused me more resentment and has made it next to impossible to just forgive and let go of past wrongs and hurts, because I still see the evidence of them so vividly.
But, when we are busy with everyday life, or when we are able, for a while, to ignore or push past all our issues and turmoil over sex, we still make a great team. We love to spend time together, share many of our interests, love being able to talk and share, work very hard and very well together towards shared goals, and make a (most of the time) really good parenting team. But, we keep coming back to the sex issue. And the rift between us over it just keeps growing and causing more pain (for both of us) and more feelings of hopelessness and isolation. Then, I read something about how ADD can affect sex drive, to both extremes, as well as all the other problems in cause to a relationship. The more I read, the more it seemed that between us we had all the possible variations of sexual dysfunction and ADD relationship can have. I read so many books and articles and posts on this site. And it gave me hope, because it gave me understanding.
Over the past week, my husband and I have talked some here and there about all the things I was reading and learning. Then, last night, we both put all distractions aside and talked. I shared with him what I think his problems are and how they affect him and us, and what I think my problems are and their affect. For the first time ever, we were able to talk candidly and honestly and with love and understanding and real connection, without all the messy hurt and negative emotion that has always accompanied similar discussions. He was finally able to see how his expectations and actions are not "normal for a guy" and that it is much more than me being "cold" and "a prude" and just not understanding because "you're not a guy, so you just can't see it the same." He was able to, at least mostly, see that I wasn't calling him a freak or a pervert, but that I am trying to make him see where both of us are off, just on opposite ends of the spectrum. And we made the decision to go to counseling. To help him finally accept his porn addiction as an addiction that can be conquered, and to help us work through all the emotional wreckage of handling such a sensitive matter so wrong for years, and learn to really connect and have a loving, romantic, intimate relationship in a way that is a happy compromise for both of us. And, an even more amazing thing happened. We had a talk about what is and is not appropriate contact and where the boundaries need to be to help me feel more turned on and less turned off. And I committed to work on learning to stop and be in the moment.
This will take time, and it will be a lot of work with plenty of setbacks, I'm sure. But, he heard me finally. And, for the first time in a long time, I looked at the man sitting next to me and had the overwhelming desire to kiss him. It was a brief moment, but we were both able to be there for each other without me being resentful and thinking about all the other things I would rather be doing, and without him thinking about how far he push me this time before I shut down. And that's a pretty good start. The real point is, a miracle happened in that we were able to FINALLY understand and discuss the real issues and the heart of the problem, and commit to try. All this time, and all this hurt and resentment I have built up and fear of him never understanding, and it happened. We both finally understood and can see more clearly now.
I have read so many posts on this forum by women full of hurt and anger and frustration about their ADD partner never being able to really hear their needs or make the changes. And, I just really felt like I needed to let those women in that position know that, if he really loves you and you really love him, there IS a way. Keep trying. One of these times, things will click into place and he'll really hear your feelings and understand and, because he loves you, he will do the hard thing and work to be the man he thought he was being and he knows you deserve. (Please forgive my novel, and congrats if you made it all the way through.)
- conflict with father by: hard to function 12 years 4 months ago
I have ADHD. I know that this is a web site for marriages but I have a different kind of relationship problem. I seem to always have this underlying conflict with my dad. I'm not sure why. Yesterday I had a "blow out" yelling argument with him in a parking lot. We both left if a hurried "huff" with slamming car doors. The content of the argument is not all that important. It involved the way he talked to one of my children. I didn't approve and said, "Dad, that's enough". He stayed and helped me put the kids in the car then handed me my bag without a word and started to leave. I should have let it go but I didn't have enough strength to control myself. I asked if he was mad at me. He said, "No", then mumbled as he always does, half sarcastically, "I just never say the right thing so I should just keep my mouth shut". In my own stupid uncontrolled way, I said, "What is wrong, why are you always saying that, I appreciate everything you do". He said he didn't want to get into an argument. I responded angrily, "fine, then I'm going to go home and not feel guilty". He said he didn't want me to feel guilty. I told him that I always do when things like this happen...From there, it exploded and phrases like "you will respect me because I am your 75 year old father" started flying. I was just trying to defend my child and myself but I do it in a very unhealthy way.
Needless to say, I haven't been able to function since. I was up late last night and I'm just walking in circles today. I'm trying to do the right thing but my brain won't let me get past it to even rationally apologize. I'm having a hard time even taking care of my children today. I have so much work to do but all I do is cry. I am angry, sad, guilt ridden, physically nauseous, and dysfunctional all around. Any advice from someone who doesn't have ADHD but may have a similar issue. I'm open to opinions as to the "right thing to do" and will not be offended by anything. I'm trying so hard to get better. Please help.
- New to this and trying to get my story out but it is a novel. Will anyone read it if I can't shorten it? lol by: ss09 12 years 4 months ago
I guess I've held it in for so long and so much has happened to us in the past couple yrs, I have diarrhea of the typing fingers. Suggestions before I post a novel? I'm the non-ADD spouse in a 6 yr relationship w/ a 14 mos old daughter...desparate to rescue our marriage and save our family.
- What to do when you feel like you just can't take it any more.... by: marbuch 12 years 4 months ago
For the past couple of weeks, I have been feeling the stress welling up inside of me. Almost to the point that I am ready to call our relationship and our business quits. We have been together for over 10 years (married for 5 years). Both of our children are in college. My H is undiagnosed ADHD and is also in denial that he even has ADHD. I have not disclosed to ANYONE that he is ADHD. It is like the "dirty little secret" that I keep all to myself. We are trying to run a business together, but it is the most difficult challenge I have ever faced. He makes business decisions without me and then doesn't tell me about them until I "discover" them on my own. He changes passwords to accounts and forgets to tell me. Heck, he can't even remember he changed the passwords either. We will discuss business details together and then he makes a change to our plan, without even discussing it with me again. Although I am suppose to be one of the key managers, I feel like I am running to keep up with his ever changing plans. I get very stressed and frustrated about him excluding me, but it just doesn't seem to have any effect on him. Of course, since he is in denial about the ADHD, all of these issues are my fault and I am the one with the problems.
If I make it through the year without totally flipping out will be a miracle. I just bought Melissa's book today and I am hoping that I can find some peace and the strength to find better ways to cope with this madness.
- sounds crazy....crazy love....ADHD,I am not ready....love I am.... by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 4 months ago
I am not ready to handle his ADHD,I am not ready to handle his mood swings,I am never ready for his depressions and anger...but I want his love...I need his love...he is so charming,sweet and very kind loving,yet very arrogant,inconsiderate,selfish and bad minded,What shall I do with this crazy love that is in front of me.I am very damn,damn to be put in this strenuous position at this time in my life,when I should have the life I deserve with a caring loving passionate husband,but I end up having the good,bad and the ugly out of marriage.
HATE:, I hate to have to go through this at this time in my life, when I should be happy and joyful,not crying or sad,I should have support and comfort,not bullied or mistreated for things that I did not do,or things that I did right,or correct or even wrong at times....
CONFUSING:, my heart is in a place of hunger,I hunger for commitment,I want love,I crave respect from that someone ,,and I would only have a glare of what could have been or what should have been.I find myself searching in him for something I would never get,something I would never see,maybe I can,but it would take a lifetime of tears and confusion before I get it..by that time I would be dead.
HAPPINESS:,I am still in a glaze and hope of that happiness with him, that would only seem like a lifetime to come,but never leaves me..I am hopeful,but it only last a a few days,never a full month or week..
DEAD:,I am dead,dead inside,I don't know if I would be able to love again,I am so scared,scared to be alone,scared to move on to the next,scared of what else other than ADHD that could be worse.
TRUST:,He has me very uncomfortable,I have to learn to trust him and I can't,he is so flirtatious with women even right in front of me that I am paranoid by it...I would lose my mind if I don't hear from him for a evening,and really I should not worry,worry should come after the fact...
KEEPING MYSELF TOGETHER:,I can't,I can't keep myself together,I am trying but I can't,I would love to move on and find my days without him and I can't......
lovehurts....
- Non-ADHDers: "Why can't he try?" by: Pbartender 12 years 4 months ago
"you made my cry. why can't my H TRY ????? I'm proud of you, let me give you a virtual pat on the back. keep it up !"
Thanks, FF... I can't possibly tell you how much that means to me.
Much of my progress is due to you and the other non-ADHD spouses on these forums. You've all given me insight into what my wife is feeling and thinking, and have been able to explain, at least in part, way she sometimes acts and reacts the way she does. You've all been helpful and supportive and understanding and encouraging at the times I needed it the most, and despite the all the troubles and frustrations that you have with your own spouses. That's been a bigger help than you can ever imagine.
"Why can't my husband try?"
I've seen so many of you post that, or something similar, somewhere on these boards.
And that's just it... Right now, he quite literally can't. Or rather, he could try, but circumstances are such that he will always fail, and so there doesn't seem to be a point to it.
This going to be a rather exaggerated comparison, and a bit of hyperbole, but bear with me...
Imagine asking a paraplegic to run across the room. Everyone else can, why can't he? But every time he tries to just stand up, he falls on his face. Why doesn't he just try harder? He could do it, if he wanted to. What is he, lazy? He won't even help out around the house... He just sits in his chair all day long.
Silly isn't it? You'd never treat a paraplegic that way, unless you were a colossal asshole.
Imagine the supreme discouragement of constantly being encouraged to do something you can't, failing every time, and then being ridiculed and belittled for your failure. Imagine the humiliation of having to rely on others to accomplish simple every day tasks that others take for granted and can do without thinking. Now, add into that the confusion and frustration of not understanding why you can't, when others can.
Like I said, it may sound like a ridiculous exaggeration, but in a way, this is very much what it feels like to have ADHD... especially if you haven't been diagnosed.
In the real world if the paraplegic, with the help of crutches and months of physical therapy, managed to stumble through a few faltering steps on their own, then we'd celebrate it as a miracle! A triumph over adversity!
Think about how much courage and confidence it takes to take those very first steps... How much pain must be endured and how much hard work must be done just for the least success... How much time it takes to turns those small squicks of progress into something significant... How much patience and tenacity and endurance it takes to continue after all that time with so little progress.
We generally don't get those celebrations. The focus is rarely on our successes, and more often on our failures... You can see that here on these message boards. The "Anger & Frustration" forum has nearly twice as many posts in it as all the other forums put together. Nobody cheers when I clean the house, or cook dinner, or get the kids to school on time. Nobody congratulates me when I pay attention through an entire conversation, or when I manage to remember the details of that conversation days later. Nobody throws me a party for paying all the bills on time for an entire year in a row without going overdrawn. Completing a home improvement project on schedule and under budget is not a reason for celebration.
All this is to say, on any given day we like shit about ourselves. And we feel that way because of something we cannot control.
Many of us seem to fall into unhelpful, unhealthy, often damaging habits to try to regain control in some way... We bully, or play the victim, or withdraw, or simply give in and indulge our impulses. We feel worthless, useless, unloved, and alone -- undoubtedly, you feel many of the same things as a non-ADHD spouse, but for very different reasons. We get stuck there and can't get out, because we don't have the self confidence to overpower the sense of inevitable failure. We're too scared to take that risk, and are mentally and emotionally paralyzed into doing nothing and stay in the "safest" place we know. The inertia of those emotions combines is hard to overcome on your own.
Oof... I've got cut myself off, here... Writing this was surprisingly exhausting.
Pb.