Hello all....  just wanted to check in.

I"m away from home for the whole summer:  DH got a research grant to come to Very Nice University, several hours from Very Large City where we live.  We are subletting our apartment because I have no real job, so we can't really afford for me to stay home with the kids and freelance because business is down to a trickle.  It was a huge ordeal for me getting ready for the trip and cleaning up the apartment and getting it ready for subletters (emptying closets for their use, meaning reorganizing, decluttering etc. etc....)  the drive itself wasn't so bad except for DH was frustrated because we started out late (my fault of course because I am in charge of packing everything and wasn't ready when I'd hoped to be ready and was doing my usual panic-about-whether-I've-got-everything routine).  BUT - all in all I think I did really well.

we are subletting a house in the suburb where we are now.  The owner had sent us lots of instructions for the house and was very particular about a lot of things, ie:  don't use that, don't touch that, be careful to clean this or that... She'd left a number for the house cleaner she uses so we could call her if we wanted.  so I thought 'well, it might not be fabulous, but at least it'll be clean.'  Boy was I wrong.

When we arrived, the whole house smelled faintly of urine. There are 2 boys in the family, and as many moms will know this means a certain amount of 'splash' happens in the bathroom and the floor, walls and bathmat need to be cleaned regularly...  guess they dodn't know this, nor does the house cleaner.

the master bedroom has a very funky sweaty smell, the mattress is old, hard and dirty.  the 'clean' sheets they'd left out for us to use had what seems to be years of, shall we say, 'monthly visitor' stains and evidence of 'intimate events' on them.  

the shower curtain was covered in orange fungus, the towels smelled musty

there are 1000s of moths (??) in the kitchen cabinets and all over the house.  the oven was crusted with melted cheese on the inside.  all the cookware is greasy & filthy.  the dishes all had a kind of brown residue...

the dishwasher smelled like something had died in it and the inside walls were all brown.

the (filthy) rugs in the hallways, dining room and front entryway also smell inexplicably of urine.  And they are handwoven jute rugs that of course, cannot be washed in any way that would successfully get the smell out.

In spite of all this, I did not cry or complain to DH, did not throw a fit, did not load the kids up into the car and insist on going to a hotel...  No.... I quietly and calmly have spent a week chipping away at making the house habitable - I bought cheap sheets (even DH admitted that the stained ones were gross), bought febreeze and have been airing out the master bedroom, washed the towels & bath mats and all the nasty cookware...  I tried to fix the dishwasher, found instructions for that particular model online and opened the filter, removed several mouse-sized globs of rotted organic black glop, scrubbed the inside clean and ran it again in the hopes that it would work.  No such luck.  It seems that the drain hose is clogged.  now - there are instructions on eHow that I could follow to unclog it - but....it's a huge undertaking and i'm afraid i'd do it wrong, and I don't really have the TIME to do it while i've got 2 small kids on my hands.  (the only reason I can type this right now is that they are for the moment, happily playing together instead of pinching, biting or hitting each other).

Oh... and the second day we were here, DD2 woke up with a fever.  Turned out that she had Hand, Foot and Mouth disease.  our insurance doesn't cover for regular doctor visits out of state, so we wound up in the ER.  Her throat hurt so badly that she refused to drink anything  so we were back in the hospital the next day (july 4th).  I took her both times.  DH took DD1 to see fireworks.  Then, DD1 got the virus, and then I got it too and could hardly move on Saturday.  The bed is making my back hurt more every day.  Today while driving, my legs hurt terribly and there was a weird numbness after a while - guess the position of the seat targets the exact nerves that are messed up by the mattress... I dunno...

I asked DH if he could check our lease to see if repairs are covered so we could get the dishwasher working.  I really don't want to have to hand wash everything for the next 5 weeks....  He said no - and we can't afford to pay for it and he doesn't want me to mess with it and he is not interested in trying to fix it himself.  'Just wash dishes as you use them... it only takes a few seconds...."

He goes off to do his research everyday and i'm with the kids all day.  I'm trying to find a day camp for the 5 year old, but it'll be at least 2 weeks before the proper medical forms come from her doctor out of state.  I'm trying to find activities for them to do, take them to the local park/library... but most of the time they are stuck here while i'm trying to clean something/do laundry/cook....  they're bored, i'm in pain and exhausted and frustrated, and I can't spend money on things that will make us more comfortable.  When DH gets home, he sits on the couch and plays with his iPad.  I cook dinner.  I wash all the dishes.  I get the kids ready for bed. I iron his shirts (on a tiny little ironing board that's a pain in the ass to use.  I had to wash the cover because it smelled like the bedroom and was making the shirts stink, too...).  I feel like it's unfair that he doesn't help AT ALL but don't know if I can ask for help since technically he's 'working all day' and i'm 'on vacation.'  and, anytime i ask for help around the house he gets very quiet, mumbles something about yes of course he'll help, but then doesn't and there seems to be some unspoken rule that I am not getting and even just asking for help is ridiculous.  Then I think:  "Oh crap.  I blew it. Again."

So, anyway - I'm just trying not to get depressed.  I read in Sari Solden's book (women with ADHD) that women have a particularly hard time traveling/staying with family or friends or a strange new place.  I am TERRIBLE at this and I get very anxious and stressed out if my acomodations turn out to be gross or uncomfortable.  I am particularly sensitive to bad smells, and DH seems to have NO sense of smell whatsoever.  Last month we were traveling in Europe for a wedding and the apartment that we stayed in had a VERY foul smell in the kitchen.  It was so bad that even DH could smell it, but he was unmoved to try to do anything about it.  I called the landlord and complained and it took 3 days, but eventually they took care of the dead creature they found under the fridge.  I have to say I was glad my complaints were justified and it was proven that I was not being snobby, dramatic or neurotic.

Anyway - if anyone has any advice as to how to continue to not freak out, i'd appreciate it.  I don't know how much longer I can take this and I've got 5 more weeks here.

Ellamenno

I need guidance for a person with ADHA & Marriage...

I think I have untreated undiagnosed ADHD.

My wife and myself are both stubborn and opinionated however I have these brief angry outbursts, short term memory loss and I get distracted very easy when in a conversation especially towards my wife when she questions or comments on something I've done wrong. I've been reading this blog and it sounds like I have adult ADHD.

I read and understand things and for a while things are great then it is as if I forget everything I've learned just a week ago. Its a constant struggle and I want to do something for myself but also for my wife as I totally love her.

I am a good husband most of the time but as my wife tells me the 20% of the time that I'm not erases all the good that I have done.

I'm not sure what to do or where to start, I guess admitting that I have a problem and need to do something about it is my first step.

Thanks

"seeking peace"

I am not sure this is being post in the right forum. My fiance has ADHD and we are in the midst of another break up/make up cycle. I love him and am not looking to change him, however I am becoming weary/anxious about moving forward with things with him, the instability of the relationship is making me question whether we are  strong enough together to work through whatever obstacles that we have to face.

One minute he is sweet, charming passionate and loving. The next he goes into withdraw mode where he barely wants to communicate, we have our own places right now.  He even ignores communication efforts by me when he is in this mode. I don't ask or push for too much communication for fear it will drive him the other direction. I did gently suggest though to sustain the relationship that we do need to maintain some level of communication (even bare minimum when we can't see each other) just to check in. At times from his reaction, this seems too much for him.When we have discussions that become heated, he has zero filter ( I have learned to let the mean stuff he says roll right off my back, it is not easy though)  and wants to shut down the discussion most times in the middle of it so we basically never resolve what the issue that lead us to that point. He goes back and forth between believing in the relationship and wanting to back out of it. But then when he ends things he will turn around a day or two later and question me why I stopped coming around or checking in with him and questions my commitment to him. If I remind him that he ended things he turns around and says he he no idea what I am talking about. I feel like I need to tape record half our discussions to show him I am not making this stuff up.I love him dearly and am a patient person. I don't mind the messiness and cleaning up after him or the forgetfulness. I am just a little unsure of how we will fare in the future if we can't figure out how to approach these relationship issues now.

Despite my dislike of using medications and financial problems and concerns about side effects, I've finally started to consider the possibility of asking my doctor about getting a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication.  My biggest fear is that the medication will work so well that I'll stop caring about my crappy marriage and will stop working to make myself and my life better.  What advice can non-ADHD spouses offer?  Thanks!