Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • I want to hear the SUCCESS stories by: OFNEEDS 12 years 3 months ago

    Hello everyone. I'm new here. I've been coming to the site for a bout six months but it wasn't until I read Melissa's book 3 weeks ago that I started to understand that my DH has a real condition and it is causing a lot of the problems we've been having since we got together 10 years ago. we were on the verge of breaking up until I read the book. I have been working on letting go of my anger and resentment for the past 3 weeks. might take me a while.

    but here's my good news:

    My DH has been the one taking the initiative to find out about ADHD and learning about treatment. We are spending a gazillion dollars (on the credit cards that he's nearly maxed out!! uhgh) on the intake process at The ADHD SPECIALISTS in Encino. We've been to 2 of the 4 appointments. They are giving him a higher does of adderall. he started it today. he says he feels calm, focused, motivated and a general sense of well being.

    we have been going to couples counseling for 3 months (he started adderall 3 months ago) 

    that is the longest stretch of couples counseling we've ever done. 

    He says he wants to do CBT, hypnotherapy, get a coach etc. He sounds like he really wants to focus on taking care of himself.  But it's hard for me to trust that

    A) he will do the work consistently (will the meds help him stay focused on the work?)

    B) that it will actually work.

    please tell me he will follow through. has anyone had experience where they got meds, got therapy, did the work and then had a relationship that they are happy with. I know Melissa has had that. I really want to hear more long term success stories.

    I believe that if my husband and I make self care a priority we can have an incredible life together. but if he doesn't stay on track I am afraid we'll have chaos again.

     

  • ADHD and Marital Problems by: saultoro 12 years 3 months ago

    HI, I'm new to the forum.

    It feels great to learn that there is a place to come for support and understanding when dealing with ADHD and how it can affect your daily life.

    I have been married for 8 years and have two little boys. I married the best person I have ever met but for the last year my ADHD has caused a major rift between my wife and me. This has led to many arguments usually caused by me and I said out of impulses many hurtful things that I knew at the time that I didn't mean. This understandingly has caused major problems in my marriage and I have been separated from my wife for the last 3 months. Unfortunately,  I cannot take my words back and have hurt my wife very much. I have hurt her so much that recently she told me that she didn't love me anymore due to the person that would show up from time to time hurting her. I'm so sad that my wife feels like this and all because of my hurtful words and actions. I have always been crazy about my wife but never really realized how my ADHD was hurting our marriage. I will always be sorry for what I put her and want her to be happy.  I'm looking for any support or some resources on how to control my impulses and for me not to lash out when I'm in a vulnerable spot.

    Thanks and I look forward to any comments that any might have.

  • Date night by: khull5149 12 years 3 months ago

    Hey all-I'm new to posting here, thought I've been reading for a long time.  I'm so thankful for this site, as my husband and I are new to dealing with his ADD (recently diagnosed).  Our marriage blew-up, but we are on the road to recovery, thank goodness!  

    My question is really for anyone here who has ADD/ADHD.  What kind of date nights are fun for you?  We are really having a hard time finding ways to "go out" that work for both of us.  Any great ideas out there?

     

     

     

  • New to forum by: mbdy 12 years 3 months ago

    First I have to say that I just found this forum and I've been crying since reading your trials and generous offers of support.  I hate to say it, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this!  

     

  • Frustrations by: taawtry 12 years 3 months ago

    I am new here.  My name is Jason.  I am married to a wonderful Woman who has had ADHD for a long time.  She just recently in the past 5 years was diagnosed and is on medicines.  Her two sons also have Add w/ODD and Anxiety and ADHD w anxiety, attention and high impulsivity.

    I love my family dearly.  But how to deal with the frustrations.  Some days its very over whelming.  Having to repeat the same thing over and over.  Much less the same things annoy me.  Its like my wife does not listen when I tell her. Then we don't have her kids all the time.  But when we do its amplified by 3 times.  Its almost like they are reacting to one another. 

     

    HELP

     

  • There is hope in the frustration by: Learning to Live 12 years 3 months ago

    Like any disease that is untreated it can get out of control. The messy house, unpaid bills - it is all chaos 24/7. It never seems to end. I have been reading this forum for about a year, trying to figure out how to fix myself, my husband and our children. After doing research, changing our diets, taking vitamins and listening to beta music I now have hope and felt that I needed to make my first post.

    Over the last 15 years my ADHD has spiraled out of control - I am still a high functioning ADHD person. I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder, but that diagnosis was wrong - I have ADHD. I have one desire and that is to be well. The side effects of medicines have been horrible, so I decided to find an alternative. I might add that I have a child that was recently diagnosed with ADHD, and I am pretty sure two of our other children have ADHD. So anyone living with an ADHD spouse can only imagine the nightmare at my house.

    I have been on the verge of divorcing my husband who has ADHD, but I love him too much and refuse to divorce him. His ADHD is the worst and makes the rest of us in the house look like a walk in the park. 

    So with dogged determination I have been on a quest to find alternative healing. But there is one key here for anyone living with, or with someone who has ADHD. The person who has the disease HAS to have the desire to get better. There is no amount of yelling or demanding that will change anyone who has ADHD. All it does is make us shut down even more.

    I have read so many forums, books and websites about this disease to try and get a better grip on what it really is, and it is a disorder of the brain and how the brain works. People with ADHD have frontal lobe issues. Dr. Amen's websites, books and audio tapes have been a life saver in understanding the disease. I also took part in listening to an ADHD tele-summit that was wonderful. I have spent hours researching the disease, how to cope, and change patterns of behavior.

    The biggest things I have changed are diet, and vitamins. I did see some improvement, but it doesn't seem to be the magic bullet. But it has helped. The biggest thing I have found is beta audio recordings. I cannot even begin to express how much this has changed me. I have always felt like there was a black hole in the front of my head, and that my right and left side of my brain just couldn't connect. I did not know what to expect when I listened to the audio. I felt a rush of blood in my head. It was bizarre, and kind of freaked me out.

    After one hour of listening to the Beta sounds my mind seemed to click like I had never felt before. I had energy, and I didn't feel overwhelmed with the normal simple task that would ordinarily overwhelm me. I now listen for about an hour a day.

    I have been doing this for only a short-time, and will not introduce it to the rest of the family until I feel that it will truly help. I finally have hope for myself. And what I realize that as a mom with ADHD I have to have my life together before I can manage a family of ADHD people. And for the first time since I can remember I feel like a different person and I am so very excited. I feel together and my brain feels organized. I almost feel what I think normal people feel like. Things like cleaning and organizing don't overwhelm me anymore. I no longer put off laundry for a month. Doing the dishes doesn't seem like such a chore. My head feels orderly and I want my life orderly. It has been an amazing transformation.

    I have gone from suicidal thoughts to being excited about living. I no longer obsess about divorcing my husband because of his ADHD. My brain doesn't feel like a black hole.

    After I found the beta music I began researching Audio therapy for ADHD. Then it all made sense. From what I understand is that people with ADHD have low beta waves and high theta waves. I also read several studies on Neurofeedback and Biofeedback. I am hopeful that I can find someone in my area that can help us with Neurofeedback therapy. People complain that it is expensive, but I promise living with untreated ADHD is way more expensive than spending a few thousand dollars on a healing therapy.

    I have been at my lowest points over the last three years. On the verge of financial ruin, and hopelessness. The depression has made the ADHD worse for me and my husband. It has spiraled out of control. Any ray of hope, anything that will help my brain is worth a shot. I do hope everyone who is on here the best. And whatever it is, taking medicine, audio therapy, diet, exercise, behavior modification, etc... Something is sure to work, but in order for anything to work you have to accept the disease and find a way to heal. Berating, crying, yelling, screaming, giving up on ADHD won't make it any better. People with ADHD cannot use their might and will to get better, no more than a person with a broken arm can heal themselves by willing their arm to heal. It is a brain disorder. The way our brain functions is not like others. We have to change the chemisty of our brain, be it vitamins, medicine or other alternative methods.

     

  • Fighting in front of kids by: Tiredinwashington 12 years 3 months ago

    My husband seems to want to fight about even the smallest of things and won't let things go.  He keeps at me until I am crazy and I dont know how to get him to stop fighting.  My kids are so impacted by all the yelling.  I don't know if it's worth staying married.

  • Anyone think they could be dealing with a Sluggish Cognitive Tempo diagnosis in the future? by: Aspen 12 years 3 months ago

    I recently saw a clip of Dr Barkley saying that in the new DSM-V there will be no more ADD-PI.  I have been reading for years ppl (mostly with hyperactive diagnosis themselves) yelling about how PI should not be separated from ADHD at all, and I don't get it because my husband has the PI diagnosis and he couldn't appear more different from the hyperactive folks if he tried!

    So anyway in this clip, and I have been researching ever since but I find the info out there on SCT to be thin and confusing, Dr Barkley says the DSM-V will categorize ADHD as with and without conduct disorder.  He seemed to believe that everyone with ADHD is combined with both hyperactive and inattentive symptoms and there will also be a group called sub-threshold ADHD for the people who missed the hyperactive symptoms by 1 or maybe 2. 

    My husband only has 1 or maybe 2 hyperactive symptoms, and was never hyperactive as a child, so based on what I am reading (and if I am making correct sense of it) he will no longer be categorized as AD/HD.  Apparantly the future of ADHD will require that you are now hyperactive or were as a child.  The only thing left for the inattentives (and Dr Barkley is opposed to it being called ADHD of any type) is SCT.  He says it is a very different disorder.

    Now my husband fits SCT symptoms pretty much 100% but they aren't really substantially different from Inattentive ADD so that makes sense.  The claim, though no one seems to know a ton about it, is that SCT is an input disorder whereas ADHD is an output disorder.  My husband has poor hearing due to a job injury and several in his family have auditory processing disorder supposedly (but also really poor hearing sometimes requiring hearing aids) but his hearing is the only point of input which could be a problem and his issue more than anything is extrapolating incorrectly from what he hears. 

    He is constantly saying 'I thought you wanted to know x' and I will say 'But why do you think that when I said nothing of the sort?  what did I say?' and of course my words have nothing whatsoever to do with what he inferred/assumed/or decided arbitrarily that I or someone else 'really meant'.  This is a frustration to me, but sometimes causes real problems for him with work and other responsibilities he has because what he assumes based on a convo is not what the other person believes was decided. So is that an input disorder? And there is no way that all his issues arise from this one input problem which I thought was poor hearing combined with a desire to assume rather than listen and think it through.

    The other thing of concern to me with SCT is that I was told stimulants do not help them, which, is not being born out by anecdotal evidence accd to ppl who are believed to have it (as far as I know it isn't even a diagnosis yet), but if it becomes clear that stimulants do not help SCT, then we are in no man's land because stims definitely have helped my husband.  And for those who remember his idiotic little test a while ago, he went off them to see if anyone noticed a difference and we ALL noticed a difference without knowing why since he kept going off them a secret!

    I have believed after that point that we were both on board with the 'meds make a big difference' bandwagon, but when we had this discussion about SCT possibly being our diagnosis of the future and I told him what I read about stims supposedly not helping, he said "well really how much difference do they really make anyway?"  like he notices little benefit and I was SHOCKED.  When we've talked about his meds and dose and especially after his trying to do without them fiasco, our convo was that we've both really noticed benefits with the meds.  I just feel at a loss today with both him, his diagnosis, and what I am believing is an attitude about taking meds.  He says he has no additude, but  'how much diff do they make anyway' definitely sounds like he doesn't think they help much.

    Anyone know where we are supposed to go from here? 

  • Lost and confused with my marriage by: NancyH76 12 years 3 months ago

    I'm not even sure where to start with this post.  My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years and he has moved out of home.  We also have two great children and everyone is so hurt and confused by his actions.  He has always had the classic ADHD symptoms and never has done anything about it.  Our relationship has intense at first, we were engaged in 7 months and married in a year and half.  We also have our first child by our second anniversary.  He always drank, but I never realized how bad it was.  We moved back to my hometown area and he was determined to make a name for himself.  He didn't want to be known as my husband or my dad's son-in-law.  He joined the  volunteer Fire Department and start doing some training and then he joined the volunteer ambulance service and became an EMT.  In the mean time we had our second child.  Between volunteering his time, both of us working full time and two children,  coaching sports, life was crazy, but I that was always the life I had envisioned for us.  He started taking on more tasks and spending less time at home, it seemed doing everything else for everyone else was more important than our family.  I started spending so much time with my family, because I didn't want to have to stay home all the time while is was on call and he didn't seem to care.  During all of this he quit drinking on his own and took up running/working out.  It has become extreme.

    He had a chance to become a full-time EMT in our hometown, we all thought it would be great.  He would be home to help out around the house/help with the kids and be home at night.  It started out that way but then we would have to go on every call even when he wasn't on call.  This job has a lot of down time, he is basically on call for 60 hours a week and has a few other things to do for work except wait for the pager to go off.  He went back to school to become a Paramedic.  Which meant two nights a week for 18 months of classes with an hour drive there and back.  Of course clinical hours were crazy also because he had to go to a bigger city to do all of hours.  I basically picked up all the work at home, including working a fulltime and part time job, two children while he was on call for this job 60 hours a week and school.  Also during this time he quit doing things around the house.  He might start laundry/cook supper/unload the dishwasher but he wouldn't do anything of the things that needed done.  I let it go because he was so busy.

    During this time he decided he was going to train for a half-marathon.  He finished school, passed all of this tests and became a paramedic.  I was so proud of him and myself for actually making it through it.  It was a long haul but I knew there was an end in sight, so you stick it out. 

    He started getting up and training on Saturday mornings for the half marathon and come to find out this whole time he was working out he had a work out partner and she was training for this half marathon also.  This lady also has two daughters like us and her youngest is the same age as our oldest child.    He neglected to tell me this information and I finally figured it out and asked him about it.  He said there were only training together and nothing has happened.  I then found a bunch of text messages on this phone.  Including him asking her one day if she would like to play hooky from work and go for a 10 mile run.  We discussed and he said after the half marathon was over the would not be training together anymore.  During this time we would see them a school functions and you can see how he was happy to see them.

    Then week of the half marathon came, I of course was questioning everything.  I had a funeral to go to that day, but I got up and my mom, my children and I went to the half-marathon.  I was going to watch him make this first lap then I was going to leave for the funeral and my mom was going to keep the kids and watch him finish.  We waited and waited and I was getting scared because he should have gone by.  I then noticed him down the street walking.  He had an asthma attack and couldn't finish this race.  I went to talk to him and her kids were sitting there.  They made him cookies and he basically turned and talked to them and ignored me and our children.  Of course we got into an argument and he was going to let me leave.  I ended up leaving and going to the funeral.  When I got home, we had a big fight because he admitted to having feelings for this other person.  I decided to go stay with my parents for the night and he could spend time with the kids.  I couldn't stay away because I do everything with our children because he is always busy doing other things.  I came back home that night, we got into a huge fight.  The next day he left and was going to go stay with a friend.  I called this sister and he was so upset and came down to talk to him.  His family has a long track record of divorces, including this both of his parents twice, grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins.  After his sister talked to him, se came over and told me she didn't think he was ever going to come back.  After she left, he asked to come over and then said he wanted to come home and work on things.  So he moved back in, he wasn't even gong for 9 hours.  My only request was for him to not talk to her.

    We had set up a meeting with a counselor before all of this happened.  My husband had gone to this counselor last year to deal with some of this issues with drinking in the past and how he was feeling.  We went to our first counseling and basically that Rob need to find clarity and he mentioned that he was questioning our marriage at his last appointment.  He quit going to the counselor because he got so busy with school.  He stated he couldn't figure out when things went wrong and it wasn't anything I had done wrong.  Life went back to normal because we were busy with softball/coaching/life in general.  Our second counseling session got canceled.  In the meantime I found an email from her in response to an email he had sent and it stated they wanted to be together.  I confronted him, he said he wanted a out.  So the girls and I packed up and went to my parents house to stay.  A couple of days later I decided to move back home with the girls and he left and went to stay with a friend. 

    We decided to continue counseling.  We went to counseling and the counselor decided we shouldn't take for 2 days and then we should met and discuss things.  The counselor asked if we had an agreement on not talking to the other women.  We didn't but my husband said it would be a good idea for him not to talk to her.  That week we met and discussed things twice and only for two hours at a time.  During this week, I talked to his co-worked and she stated that he as ADHD and he is not willing to face it and get help.  I started doing more research on ADHD and it sounded exactly what was going on with our marriage.  I got the ADHD Affect on Marriage book and I couldn't believe how that book described my life.  The section on how each spouse feels during a marriage crisis was dead on. 

    I decided to confront him about it when he brought the girls back home.  I said I had something to bring up and paused and he said no, I don't have a girlfriend.  I asked if he had been talking to her and he said some, and I said our agreement from counseling was he agreed not to talk to her.  He said that he thought the agreement was to not talk to her when he wasn't talking to me.  I was mad but I brought up the ADHD and he said I know that I have it and I said maybe you need to find different ways to cope with it.  Then is pager went off an he left.  Later that night, he sent me a text that stated he understands talking to her complicates what we are working on. 

    He had an housing change and moved out into the country to house sit for some people.  He moved out there the next day and that night my aunt was leaving my house and the other women was leaving her house (she lives two blocks from me and I can see her house from my front yard) so she followed her.  She drove straight to his new place and pulled into the garage.  My aunt called my parents and they confronted him and things went bad from there. A lot of hurtful things were said between him and my parents.  My parents have watched/helped me deal with the craziness of the last 12 years.

    My parents came to town to get me and my husband and I went to talk.  He said I don't know how we come back from this.  I told him that he needed to decide that things were over between him and her and come home and work on things.  After about 3 hours, he decided it was over and wanted out for good.

    The next week we talked and I gave him the book to read and told him that I wished I had found this book earlier or had said more about the ADHD sooner.  Of course, he said he would read the book but his ADHD gets in the way and he can't.

    He finally went to our family doctor and they put him on Ritalin.  During this whole time, I have become a crazy person and don't know what to do with myself.  I was hoping that if he got help for ADHD then there would be hope for us.  Of course, our children know everything that is going on even about the other women.  My 10 year old asked me before everything happened and if Dad had feelings for this other women.  My kids are so mad at him and they hate this other women and her children.  My 6 year old has made up a song about it. 

    He is looking for a different job because he will need health insurance because he is on mine and of course we are in debt.  He is making all this crazy decisions and my whole family feels like he has became a totally different person since March.  Of course we live in a small town and everyone knows about what has happened, everyone is shocked by his behavior including me.  I feel like he has turned into a totally new person.  Of course we are trying to keep things ok for the kids, but he acts like I should just suck it up and be ok with everything because this is want he wants.  He thinks we should just still remain friends.  I told him maybe in a few years but not now.  He has admitted he is still spending time with her.  This new job I think he is taking has a crazy schedule.  Basically he going to work 72 hours straight every other weekend, work part-time at this current job plus another part-time job and then have the kids the other weekends.  I feel like he is going to crash and burn and I don't know how to stand by and watch.

    I have no idea how to move on.  I feel like there is something else going on with him besides the ADHD, but at this point I can't do anything else.  I'm not sure if once the Ritalin kicks in, maybe he will realize what he is giving up.  I'm so mad at him and things he has done, I can barely look at him because it hurts so bad.  I love him so much, but I don't know what to do.

    Thanks for reading this.  I think it is just helping typing all of this up and makes me feel a little better. 

  • A Dilemma... by: Pbartender 12 years 3 months ago

    It was a tough decision over which forum I should put this thread in, because it touches several of them...  Here's it goes, because right now its a frustration.

    So, a lot of you guys have been following me along since I first started posting here.  To keep it concise, I feel like I've come a long way in a short time.  I'm zeroing in on a medication and a dosage that's working well.  Between my counselor-coach and the forums here, I'm sorting through the landfill of emotional garbage I've collected over the years, I'm slowly but surely making progress on my "primary" ADHD symptoms, and I've effectively put the kibosh on my "secondary" ADHD symptoms.  As far as I can tell, I'm doing better as a husband (as far as DW will give me the opportunity, for the moment), I'm doing a LOT better as a father, projects are being completed (as far as finances allow, at least) at a steady pace, I'm even getting more productive and responsible at work (though it wasn't an issue before).

    In general, I feel better about myself than I have in years.  I am in better control of myself than I have been for a long time.   I feel more like "myself" than I have at any time since we graduated college, got a real job, got married and had kids.  I just weighed in at -50 pounds since my heaviest two years ago.  I'm looking into going back to school for the second time (I've already have two undergraduate degrees into Physics and Industrial Electronics...  I'm thinking about going back to get a Master of Engineering degree online from the University of Chicago, since the lab I work for will pay for it 100%).  I'm even looking into regaining a few old hobbies, and picking up a few new ones, once I get the spare cash.  I may be a little bit optimistic about this self-appraisal, but I'm happy with myself right now.

    But...

    Money's a little bit tight right now, since I'm sinking a lot of money into paying down debt.  I don't have a lot to spare.  School registration fees for the kids were a bit more expensive than I'd anticipated, gas prices are up again, and the heat wave/drought pumped up our utilities bills a little bigger than usual this summer.  School is starting in a few weeks, and I'll need to find money for school lunches...

    The problem is, the one additional expense this year is my collective ADHD treatments: medication, doctor visits to monitor the med hunt, and counselor/coach visits.  Our insurance is helpful in that most of it is covered by co-payments, but the Vyvanse is considerably more expensive (but also works much better for me) than the Concerta I had been taking, and there's enough appointments each month that they begin to add up.

    All that to say...  It might be necessary for me to at least cut back on the counselor/coach visits, if not cut them out all together, temporarily until my debt reduction plan frees up more monthly cash flow.  It worries me a little that I might start backsliding if I do, though.  I think that I'm at a point where I can get by with less coaching and counseling less often, but I don't want to be too over-confident about it.

    Bleargh.  The kids have to eat; they're most important.  That thought alone will keep me in line.

    Thanks for listening.

     

    Pb.

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