Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Dealing with current stresses, preventing future ones by: PoisonIvy 12 years 3 months ago

    I've had a very stressful few days.  My husband has been at home more (he usually spends four days a week helping his elderly parents) because one of my daughters is about to return to college.  She'll be driving with my husband.  

    Repeating past patterns, while everyone has been at home, I've been doing the lion's share of the housework and other family-related chores.  I'm also the only person with a paid job right now (my daughters work at college but don't have summer jobs).  I've never adjusted well to what appears to be my designated role as the "house elf" (Harry Potter fans will know what I'm referring to).  So, yes, I've been a bit on edge, trying not to be but finding it hard to avoid it because I'm so tired.

    Tomorrow, my older daughter and my husband are supposed to leave on their trip.  I knew that my husband would need to be working on the car they're taking and so I mentally "released" him from helping at all around the house last week.  I did say to him, however, that because i had a lot of work to do and because I'm told, and I acknowledge, that I'm sometimes overcontrolling, I would not be involving myself with trip preparations unless I was asked or told that my help was needed.  (My husband also says that he never asks for my help, and thus I"m the "needy" one.)

    Tuesday went by.  Wednesday went by.  Thursday, early afternoon, my husband came into the house and told me that the trip might need to be delayed because the car needed a major repair.  Since then, he has been working constantly on the car.  I've been doing all the housework and other family-related chores, as expected, plus I've been helping my daughter get ready to go back.  

    Note the result:  I ended up doing a lot of the trip preparation, not because my husband asked for help, but because otherwise it wouldn't have gotten done.  So, husband gets a lot of help without having to appear "needy"; I become even more tired and stressed.  I believe the ADHD was the cause of at least three things: my husband not helping around the house in general; my husband not anticipating that there might be problems with the car; and my husband not being willing to acknowledge that I was going to end up doing everything else if he were devoted to repairing the car, which he did end up having to do.

    Any tips for the future?  Frankly, I don't think my husband is going to change.  I'm so close to separating from him, but I feel I might at least ask.

    Thank you.

  • dealing with anger... running out of options by: lisichka 12 years 3 months ago

    Hi everyone. I've been reading this forum for a while but I'm still pretty new to all this. I feel like I am running out of options here, so I would really appreciate any help. Sorry for the long message.

    My husband was finally officially diagnosed with ADHD 2 months ago. I say finally, because it took me 3 years to get him to see someone or realize that there is a problem (although he did seek help a few years before our marriage on his own and sort of got a similar diagnosis but claimed treatment didn't help and did nothing else about it). He saw a psychiatrist who prescribed him Dexamphitamine "as needed" at the first appointment, saw him a month later for half an hour to hear my husband report "it's working" and told him "see you in 6 months". He also seems to encourage my husband to smoke pot (or at least that's what my husband thinks) which is illegal in Australia - where we live.  He insists on smoking almost every night and seems to be addicted but refuses to see that. In our city there are only 5 ADHD specialists, and most don't take new patients. This one was the 4th or 5th that the doctor called when making a referral. My husband had to wait for over 3 months to get an appointment. As a non-ADHD spouse, it's pretty hard for me to get an appointment with ADHD specialist while my partner's one wouldn't discuss anything with me because of confidentiality. For the first appointment, I wrote a letter listing the symptoms I observed and expressing my concerns (as suggested in some books). The psychiatrist read it, said "it's textbook ADHD", was going to discuss "family" with my husband at the second appointment, but when the second appointment came.. he didn't.

    The major problem I am dealing with is angry outbursts, attacks, put downs and blame. The yelling just doesn't stop once he gets going. It's impossible to discuss anything calmly for him. I tried asking him to discuss things calmly, I tried telling him that name-calling is unacceptable, I try to establish boundaries, I walk away if he doesn't stop. He follows me to the room yelling or yells outside of the door and then finally walks away. When I'm back around him, 20 minutes or later, and try to discuss the same issue, the same yelling happens. If I don't discuss this issue, we start doing something happy and positive, but he suddenly finds something else to get upset about and yells at me again. He sometimes admits that he has a yelling problem and claims he is "working on it"  but he is doing nothing about it. He refuses to read books on ADHD, he refuses to go to a psychologist alone or together, he doesn't bring up this problem with his psychiatrist. Other times, he claims it's my problem, it's me who needs to take medication. Any small difference in opinion or a disagreement is dealt with yelling, put downs, name-calling and blaming on his part. I'm really frustrated and starting to feel hopeless because it's impossible to resolve anything with him, unless I do everything the way he demands. If he thinks one way, then it's right, because it's HIS opinion and it's logical. Mine is unreasonable, unreal and wrong. Sometimes I feel like the whole day he is yelling because of this or that. He does better on Dex, but he doesn't take it every day or with regularity.

    I have gone to psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers... They all agree that he has a problem and he needs to deal with it. The only option I'm being suggested right now is to tell him that I will leave if he doesn't get his act together. I am 5 months pregnant so neither leaving nor staying feels like a great situation at the moment. Now that his psychiatrist said "see you in 6 months" without teaching him any new skills, discussing any real problems and ways to address them, or even explaining that HE has some of these problems, I don't know what to do. It took me so long to convince my husband  to see this one to begin with, that getting him to see another (maybe) psychologist and work on problems is even harder now. Last time I brought up the idea of us going to get help, I got the response "It will never work because no one can convince YOU that you have a problem!".

    I don't want to sound like I'm blaming him for all the problems and it's all his fault. I do love him and want to make things work. He is a nice person otherwise and he doesn't yell with others. He does have a part-time job and tries to do the chores (although complains that he does more, calls me lazy and thinks that it's my job to clean up the messes he leaves as if it's "our mess"). I don't have a huge problem with him forgetting things, mostly he does manage to keep his appointments, remember birthdays etc. I don't expect perfection there and I do understand if he forgets or looses something and try to help. But I do feel like he doesn't take responsibility for managing his symptoms or even acknowledges that the symptoms are affecting our marriage. Especially the impulsive yelling and arguing.  

    Again, sorry for the long message. Do you have any suggestions?

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Dont know what more i can do "HELP" by: sam 12 years 3 months ago
    My ADD husband and my relationship is non extent anymore. He wants the relationship when he wants, so its on and off all the time and i can't live like this anymore! We don't talk, don't really touch , hardly around and internment unless he wants it. What am i ment to do even when i have tried everything i can think of and tried some stuff from here?
  • Acceptance and Resilience by: jennalemon 12 years 3 months ago

    I have given energy and time trying to figure things out since I found this site in March and since my mother died at the end of last year.  I believe I went into a bit of a depression/anxiety and DH withdrew.

    To be resilient, I get to let the past go.  Learn from it.  Accept the reality. But rather than live in the resentment of the past or the uncertainty of the future, I am trying to find some balance and peace.

    I am trying to spend more time on accepting life and death and suffering and the reality of humanity. I realize that things in the world are not perfectly the way I want them to be and that I don't have to try to make other people be the way I would like them to be for me. It is not my responsibility to control life. I CAN however, decide how to feel.  I want to be done feeling depressed and lonely and frustrated and angry.  It is not good for my health - physically, emotionally or spiritually.  It is not good for so many reasons.

    I needed to be heard while i processed what I put on top of my mind - DH's failings and my own fears.  What else was on my mind that I didn't have a place to share (or thought that I should not be so emotional about)?  My anger that my mom suffered so much and so long before her death.  My guilt that I didn't do more to ease her suffering.  My fear that I might also have inherited the gene of Alzheimers with the fear of not having enough money to be able to pay for the expensive care that it takes from the family.  The loss of my family farm to be sold to pay for Mom's care. The loss of youth. The loss of energy and vitality. The discovery that DH has been lagging on bills and is in debt and made no preparation for our retirement and is assuming that I will take care of the bills. Taking a look at how DH and I do not communicate. A feeling of distance from God. A new feeling of disgust with my self. Increased animosity between family members.

    Sometimes life takes a bunch of things away from you all at once or gradually and it takes a while to notice there are holes left behind and you feel at a loss to fill them.  I have been spending time on this site looking at what is wrong to figure out why I have been feeling so bad.  I have been grieving.  Something we need to do when people and hope die.  It just feels like everything in my life right now is pointing downward.  I had become afraid and tentative in the fear of what else might happen that will hurt.  Afraid of the loss and afraid of the hurt.

    Yes, this is posted on Progress and Hope category.  The realization that everyone has challenges but it is up to us to decide how to feel along the way.  There are people who live cushy, beloved, resource full lives who get into the habit of feeling angry and sad and lonely.  There are people who have disabilities and are truly alone and in scary situations who look death in the eye with grace and acceptance.  

    I will stop beating myself up for being where I am in life. I am as Life made me be. I get my share of sorrow.  Resilience is a process of getting through a tough time and not letting it negatively affect who you are long term.  Growth and maturity happen after personal struggle or challenge - not from reading about it in books.  I thank God for the challenge.  I am not saying how this will turn out, but I am looking at it through stronger will and clearer eyes and giving my heart the permission to accept what has gone on and heal and sing and have faith.

    I want to be part of Life that laughs and connects and enjoys and appreciates and dreams and creates. If there is something that keeps me from doing that, then I will need to walk away.  I won't permit so much room in my heart for anger any more. I will work on the solutions more often and I will put less of my thoughts on the problems.

     

  • Doctor-problems... by: Anita28 12 years 3 months ago

    We are always told that if you have a problem, go see your doctor. What do we do when the doctor becomes the problem?

    My husband decided about 6 months ago to go to his doctor and find out if he really has ADD. After a lot of questions and test, the doctor agreed, it is probably ADD. Everything fits. So when my husband then asked to be sent to a psychologist or some kind of specialist, the doctor actually got mad! He started ranting about how annoying peolpe with ADD and ADHD is, how they should all just stop being like that. He said it was no need to be sent to anyone, because there was no need for medication or treatment. He said ADD/ADHD is no problem, it's just a bad habit, that peolpe with ADD can be just as focused as anybody else. And tried to end the discussion with "you just have to get over it, get over yourself and just change!"     What the f***!?

    But my husband didn't give up (I'm proud of him for that), and demanded to be sent to a psychologist, and the doctor finally agreed. He would send over the papers and stuff right away, and we would get a letter from a psychologist within a few weeks. We basicly lived by the mailbox after that, waiting for the letter that would finally start a good change in our life. But the letter never came... So my husband had to call his doctor again, to find out why it was all taking so long. And the doctor just said "ok, I'll send the papers now". So he never sent the papers at all! 

    It has now been about 3 weeks, and once again we're waiting by the mailbox... Waiting for a letter that may never come...

  • ADHD and drug use by: scouttaylor84 12 years 3 months ago

    He's by far one of the best things that's ever happened in my life. He's incredibly sweet and caring, and attentive. The thing is, he used to smoke marajuana, but quit because he went to jail. He shaped up for a while but i recently found out he's been doing it again with his friends. We're currently not talking and i feel so betrayed. I know he's impulsive, so i tried to talk it out with him but because of his ADHD he said that he was overwhelmed and couldn't deal with it at that point. I would love to help him get back on the right track. He's a great person and he could go so far. I know if i leave it won't open his eyes, he'll just sink deeper and deeper. I really love him, and i really want to make it work but the question is do i or do i just let go? posted by:

  • ADD or something else? by: jennalemon 12 years 3 months ago

    Not saying good bye when leaving.  DH regularly just leaves home without saying a word.  He leaves at different times in the the day as he works out of a big designated home office (even though he is there only about 1 hour a week).  I have a profession out of a home office also. He spends most of his time when home smoking and drinking beer in the garage and doing crossword puzzles (on the average of 4 or 5 hours a day). All of a sudden he is gone and I am left with the sound of his car going out the driveway. When he comes back home (also all times of day and night because he has a warehouse he spends his day at and travels for his business) he doesn't come in to acknowledge me or that he is home.  He usually comes home after 6pm and doesn't come in the house from the garage until about 8 or 10pm.  He stopped coming in for dinners I would have on the stove.  So I stopped making them.  2 years ago he lost about 50 pounds and would say he didn't want to eat anything watching his weight.   This is all suspicious and yucky to me.  I don't believe a word he says because he leaves things out and embellishes and outright lies. His business does not provide a living wage much less for savings.  He will not talk about budgeting or money with me.  When I bring up separation he rolls his eyes like I am annoying him and won't talk about that. He doesn't pay his business bills - I see them piled on his desk - months old.  I feel sick inside and I can't get through this alone but he won't talk about it.  I don't know what sort of professional to talk to.  Accountant, therapist, coach, private investigator, lawyer?  I only know this can't go on.  I know I said I would stop thinking about him and his needs and his behavior but the car exhaust triggered me just now - it feels bad.  My life feels bad. How can I show up with life and energy to friends and family while inside I feel bad a lot?

  • A little ray of sunshine... by: Anita28 12 years 3 months ago

    My husband and I have our issues. He has ADD (probably, evaluation still pending), and none of us has had any idea about how to deal with it. The last few months has been bad. Really bad. Then, the other day I bought the book "the adhd effect on marriage" and started reading it right away. I hadn't been reading long before I started crying. He of course wanted to now what was wrong. So, I had to tell him that I finally started to understand him. And that I felt really bad for blaming him for pretty much everything the last few years. He looked at me for a moment before he just started to laugh and said "It's a good thing I haven't been able to remember to stay angry with you then."

    When we both stopped laughing, he simply said "I love you"...

  • Need help to navigate this one by: Aspen 12 years 3 months ago

    My mom, hubby, and I were having a convo today...very good day btw.  Everyone in my family gets along awesome with my hubby which can be a tad frustrating when they think reminding him and getting irritated with him and sometimes taking a tone (mind you when I have already asked or reminded nicely several times) is not being 'nice enough' to him.   He has also in the past seemed to get off a bit on the victim mentality, so it is a bit of a button between he and I.  Because I don't feel my family belongs in all my business, I don't generally deal with them on that kinda thing.....I take it up with him.

    My husband gets along with everyone, is very hard to make angry, and gets angry at others even less often.  If he has a fault in this area, I would say that it can be fairly easy not too get too emotionally invested in the outcome when he takes care not to invest very much of himself or interest in things.  I am the opposite of course, so we have issues sometimes with me just wanting him to act REALLY INTERESTED in things outside video games and whatever.

    On the other hand, my father had a dysfunctional childhood and he and his siblings definitely have criticism, sarcasm, and snideness issues.  They all seemed to think the 50s housewife model should be good for their wives regardless of what other loads they were carrying {to be fair they were raised in the 50s :) } and their mother kinda pushed that idea by taking care of everything homewise as well as lot business wise--the fact that this was mostly because she had a chauvinist for a husband and she had to go out of her way to manipulate him and make him think her ideas were his somehow gets lost in the fantasy land hope that their lives would have all the picture perfect perfection without the simmering resentment that was their relationship.

    So anyway when my mother gets frustrated with my father (he is fairly newly retired and his family is visiting this week so BINGO), she tends to get critical of my 'tone' with hubby or to say that my word choice isn't always the best or whatever.  She has a point, and I really think a lot of it comes because my husband doesn't get up in arms over words while my dad is Word Guy (she is not of course) so when he is in a mood she really has to walk on eggshells as far as word choice.  She resents this and it comes  out in resentment for me not watching my word choice so carefully.

    More than anything I think she is projecting her frustration and I usually let it slide....my husband and I are more than capable of dealing with our issues ourselves....but I just had a whole in-law thing of my own that appears to be never ending, I have PMS, I am exhausted, and I like I said it had been an awesome day with not one snide comment so while she felt like commenting "in general" I was in no mood for it.

    I said "Hey Hubby, am I mean to you?"  He was in the car also and more than capable of speaking for himself.  He said no.  She said you put things in a mean way sometimes.  And I said "Sometimes I do but you have no idea of what I deal with either.  I am sick to death of 'poor hubby attitudes'.  He does his fair share of problem causing and irritating.  I don't complain until it is into the 100s so get off my back" 

    It was all kinda jokey but sorta serious at this point.  So hubby pipes up from the backseat, "Yeah but sometimes it does feel like it might start at only the 10s".  We all laughed and I can't remember what happened but my mom got on my nerves with some comment, and I said "Stop it. I am not the irritant here........I am the irritateee"  Well hubby protested that good naturedly just as were getting back to our own car, so because it took me aback to hear him say NO I AM THE IRRITATEE, I asked him about it.

    There was something in his comment that felt a bit too genuine to me, so I asked him if he thought that he was more irritated by me and the things I do than I am by the things he does.  He made some kind of affirmative comment (he says he was still thinking we were joking) and I sorta snappily said to you, "You mean to tell me that you think I drive you crazier than you drive me!??!"  And he said with surprise, "No I guess we are probably about equal"

    Now I have to tell you I was INSULTED!  I mean seriously insulted and I started rattling off big in general things he does that irritate me to no end........(Not my finest hour I admit)........I said things like "So I interrupt you when you are talking?!"  "I don't listen to you when you are speaking so that I never know what you are talking about?!" "and no matter how many times I'm asked to show more of an interest in you and what you are thinking, I can't remember to ask you a meaningful question every day?!"   He answered all these with an quiet NO.

    We had to take our car to get looked at so the convo got tabled......he just says just as I am not going to be able to respond because of the mechanic, that of course I do things that drive him crazy, but he doesn't generally point them out.  THIS IS WHERE I GOT GOOD AND MAD!!  I have just been mulling it and mulling it.

    I have admitted before to perfectionism and I work really hard to not point out all the small things that get done poorly because it would just be too hard to work on the big things then, and plus some of it is clearly my own issue for caring too much about unimportant matters.  I have had a lot of anger issues over his ADD before it was treated and just after, and I have grown my leaps and bounds by expressing my needs nicely and calling him on it gently when he is losing progress.  Do I succeed all the time? NO Do I succeed way more than I fail?  YES definitely. 

    I am trying to focus on all the good in my life and there is A LOT of good.....but at heart I am a tweaker and I tend to try to improve things regardless of the shape they start out in.  I am doing SO much better in not pointing out all of those things.  However, I do feel things passionately and sometimes he seems to feel things not at all, so I just get louder and more emotional about many things than he does.

    I still can't believe this man, who no matter how much I ask him for notes and comments and suggestions for improving the way I deal with him, hardly ever gives me ANYTHING and every comment ever made gets IMMEDIATE results and some things have NEVER EVER been brought up or done again in 11 years; thinks I continue to do irritating things as often as he does.  He who can hardly manage a week in a row of not repeating the behaviors he is trying to curb.  I am not angry with him about this, but I am DARN angry that I am getting no credit for just rolling with it and handling his crap while he is apparantly holding things against me that he has NEVER TOLD ME I AM DOING THAT UPSET HIM!!!!

    I ask him for suggestions all the time.  HE ASKS NEVER.  And he thinks we are even on irritating each other even though I have no idea what I am even doing and am just trying to work on my stuff as I realize it with no help from him.

    I am not even sure how to address it with him.  I just tried to stay quiet and mull out my feelings once the PMS haze wears off.  We have a coaching appointment Monday and if I can shut my  mouth till then I am going to address it with the coach in the room.  I don't want to come off like I think he is the whole problem. It is a combo of ADD and my reaction to ADD that causes most of our problems, but I can tell you for darn sure there have been much more permanent changes on my side of the street than on his.

    My reaction to this is also concerning because if you asked me if I think he is the main part of our issues, I would probably say no, but he basically says the substance of 'we are equally to blame' and I want to take off his head.  And I am struggling because I want to resolve this NOW NOW NOW but I know I need to get my thoughts together first and be sure I am not attacking him, and even knowing that the only thing that saved the convo tonight was a well placed TV show after dinner followed by both of us needing to work.

    I am sitting here with my hand on the phone though, so please make your suggestions fast!!

  • Divorce and Kids by: samanthafein 12 years 3 months ago

    I have been a lurker here for a couple of years, often drawing strength from knowing I was not facing some strange altered view of life. 

    In November, after ready The ADD Spouse, I chose to leave my spouse permanently. 

    Lying, procrastination, depression, medication shifts and all the rest of the yucky underbelly of dealing with someone with ADHD was just too much for me. Don't get my wrong, my ex is an amazing individual. But being a great person in the heart and being able to function in a family are very differnet things.

    The worst part about leaving was that when things were stable, life was synchronized, patterns were set, hormones were even, medication was level, the moon was in the seventh house (okay, maybe not that. :)), then I felt terrible about leaving. This person loves me! I can ask my ex to go gluten-free, change doctors, try new treatments! Have hope! 

    But, at the end of the day, living with someone with ADHD takes a very special person that I was not able to be. I came across as agitated and betrayed and controlling. In retrospect, I think it is what ADHD did to me: ADHD has side effects on the spouse, too. 

    I've read and read here about the pain and debates about ADHD. No one is as beautiful as my ex is to me. No one will likely love me more. But today, I had to see my ex for a psychiatrist appointment -- one where I thought she was getting treatment and guidance from an expert. But in the end, it turned out, she hadn't seen the doctor regularly, wasn't getting the psychological help she needed and, just is being medicated. My heart broke all over again. 

    ...somehow, some way, I thought that she would get help at last. And sadly, nothing had changed. 

    Tonight I'm glad to have made the decision to be free from ADHD and feel at peace knowing that it wouldn't have mattered what I'd done: my ex's ADHD rules her world. And, I guess by survival, no longer rules mine.

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