This is not what I signed up for when I married this man.  I do not know how we got to this place.  Our problems have increased gradually as our children (boys 11 and 15) have grown.  My husband is not only ADD but had a very dysfunctional home life as a child, especially with his mother.  I feel doomed.  He seems to not be able to separate his history from our home life.  I came from a very loving and supportive family.  Yet, we are repeating many of the patterns in his home.  I pay for his mother's sins every day of my life.  He pays little to no attention to me.  There is a double standard in what he expects from me and what I should be allowed to expect from him.  It should be good enough that he is passive, rarely has an opinion and lets me "do whatever I want".  While I appreciate that he does not put pressure on me like other husbands I know of, i.e...wanting a spotless house, expecting meals at a certain time, etc, etc...the passiveness makes me crazy sometimes.  I feel invisible most days.  Parenting our ADD 15 yr old is slowly destroying our marriage.  He thinks I'm neurotic and controlling (his mother was) b/c I worry about the normal things that most mothers worry about.  I never hear anything I do right, only advice on what I should do different.  I lecture too much.  I'm over protective, etc.  I think my husband basically raised himself from 14 on and had few, if any, boundaries to adhere to.  I was not raised this way.  The lack of support I feel is very painful.  If I try to address any of it with him, the defenses are up and it's turned right back around to me.  He is a master at that.  I'm tired of apologizing for how I feel, having needs, etc.  He takes everything as a personal attack on him.  It can never, ever be about me and the fact that I need to feel loved, protected, appreciated, etc.  I cannot remember the last time I really felt any of those things.  Our sex life is non-existent.  Another huge blow to my self-esteem.  He shows no interest.  None.  For the past few years he has had physical problems in that area but has shown no attempt to figure out the problem or talk to a doctor.  So, yet another thing I'm just supposed to deal with and accept.  How do you not take it personally?  I feel completely rejected.  He never tells me I'm beautiful or that he has any attraction to me.  Another area I guess I'm supposed to read his mind.  I have been in counseling for several years b/c of all of this.  He has gone several times.  It has helped at times.  But he doesn't go consistently enough for any it to take hold.  We are at a point now that we are both highly defensive.  We can't talk about anything out without getting into argument.  It is breaking my heart.  I am committed to this man, believe God put us together, but yet I am miserable.  I know he is miserable too.  We just keep hurting each other.  We aren't even speaking at the moment.   I am weary of it all and it breaks my heart for my children.  I did not grow up this way and never imagined this is how we would end up.

If someone doesn't show interest in you, support or encourage you, listen to you, or do thoughtful things for you, how can you tell if they love you, or if they're just making do with you or using you? 

So imagine God says to you...here's this man.  And he's wonderful, enthusiastic, bright, charming...he'll find new ways to make you laugh every day.  And no matter what life throws at you, no matter what you go through, you will love him more every day, and it will never stop.  And it isn't until after you say YES sign me up, and you fall too deeply in love to turn back that God says, "but wait, there's more."  For the rest of your life, you will live for this man.  All of your hopes and dreams, your goals and plans...all that now takes a backseat to just keeping him together.  It will never be about you, you will never be more important, and he will never be able to do for you what you do for him.  Yes, you will rejoice in his accomplishments and successes...after all, behind every good man is a better woman.  And without you carrying him, he never would have achieved these things.  But I hope that's enough for you, because you won't have the time or energy to spare to go out and get any of those successes for yourself.  

He'll love you so much that he'll try.  There will be small gradual improvements, and for a long time the effort alone will be enough for you.  It will convince you that eventually he'll get it and learn what you need, or that he'll see how much you do for him, or how much you've given up for him.  You'll think he's ready to be the partner you've been longing for and that he can at least share some of the burden.  So together you'll sit and talk, and you'll discuss your goals and what needs to be done, and you'll take all that and load it into the back of a wagon.  And then you'll each strap yourself to that wagon and you'll pull together.  And at first the wagon moves forward so quickly that you believe your troubles are finally over, and your hard work was not in vain.  Then the wagon will slow down, and you'll wonder if you're running out of energy.  But when you turn to see how he's doing, not only has he stopped pulling...he's pulling in the opposite direction cause there was a shiny bike a few miles back.  This will happen over and over again, and your hopes never weaken.  After a while, you begin to wonder if you still do it cause there really is hope, or if you've just tricked yourself into believing there is because you can't stand the thought that you've sacrificed so much for a lost cause.

You know it's not his fault.  He's trying.  He's doing the best he can.  He just doesn't know any better.  He tries to do nice things for you and to be the man you need, but you may as well expect a monkey to write poetry.  You feel so alone.  Not just in carrying the load of the responsibilities, but emotionally.  He doesn't know you.  He doesn't understand you.  You could write out an instruction manual on what you need, and he still wouldn't get it.  But you're so strong that you can live without it.  You can carry yourself.  You can find a way to make this work.  

But should you have to?  Is that really what you want?  To MAKE it work?  There has to be something better out there.  Somewhere out there is someone who will give you back the person you gave up so long ago.  Someone who can be a REAL partner.  Someone who can carry you when YOU'RE weak.  But are you brave enough to go find them?  Or even harder...can you stand to look this man who you love so much in the eye and tell him that no matter how hard he's trying, you just don't want to wait anymore?  Aren't all relationships supposed to go through good times and bad?  Maybe these are just the bad times.  Maybe you're about to quit when the light is just around the next bend.  You've never been a quitter.  Are you really gonna start now?  After all, you love him.  And he'll fall apart without you.  All of your hard work getting him where he is will be undone if you leave.  He'll go back to the sad, helpless, lost person he was when you met.  Can you stand to destroy him just so you can go find what you need?  Cause seeing him fall will ruin you too.  So it's shut up and take it, and then only you suffer...or destroy him and both of you suffer.  And now you're trapped.  And you realize there's nothing you can do.

Alrighty, gang...  Need a bit of help on this one. I'm not going to deny that I've been in my own little world with regards to my relationship with my dear ADHD partner. Things must be done my way. I've had a very clear "script" in my head on how things should go, etc. Not uncommon for us codependents, really. :) A lot of my troubles have been with things not getting done MY way, and I'd freak out when they weren't. (Just like it says in Melissa's book!) 

Spent the day with my DP yesterday at the house, and had a very enjoyable time. Really reminiscent of why we got together in the first place. 

I was surprised when it came up that part of his troubles with things as they were before was his paralyzing concern for me, what I want, and my situation. (Lots of personally stuff within a relatively short period occurred.)  He actually went MIA a number of times. 

My natural tendency has been to call "BS" on it, chalk it up as an "ADHD excuse" and begin berating. That didn't happen. I actually believed what he was saying. That is odd for me in this situation.

So, my question is this -- Can anyone here help me on this one? I REALLY want to be hopeful on this, but I'm nervous. How do ADHDers show concern? Has anyone else fled (literally - run away) when it gets really​ tough? What do you hope us non-ADHD folks knew about your actual desire to be connected and concerned?