Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • What's the most that bother you and how you deal with it? by: Mara 12 years 5 months ago

    Well, in my case, one thing that  bother me is when the TV or the computer get all his attention . Is like he disconnect himself from everything around him. So, If I need something from him or I need to talk with him, I try to do it before or after this activities. And if I need his attention in the moment I go on front of the TV or the computer , sometimes I have to clap hard to capture his attention. That is not funny for him but he understand. His sister also do this trick LOL

    When we have an argument and he only focus in one thing of the conversation or focus only in what he believed or think , and tends to be offensive, that drive me crazy. I learned to stop the conversation and wait for other moment and if is nothing important I just forget about it. Can you believed that one day I told him that I feel bad each time he was offensive and I mentioned all his words and he was amazed because he did not realized that he was doing that. Since then, he try to avoid such things, but sometimes he goes automatic. Thanks God that we don't have this kind of situations often, in fact are very rare. This morning was the first time in a while that we have one of those stupid arguments.  Uffs! at the beginning of our marriage was constantly. So, is a big improvement .

    I'm glad and lucky that we work together on this, if not , I can't imagine how it would be. For ADHD marriages, each day is a challenge day, but working as a team makes a big difference. Today I can say that I'm happily married with an ADHD partner. 

  • Aderall...changes you noticed on it by: boilergirl 12 years 5 months ago

    DH finally went back to a dr. and got a script for Adderall (first try with a stimulant). He filled it right away and took the first one at work. I called him to see how it was going and he said a million times better. He had been having lots of anxiety from work about getting stuff done, which was probably due to not being able to focus on it. Yesterday (day 2), he was vague about the effectiveness. He said that he had to get a bunch of smaller tasks done, so he couldn't really tell if he was concentrating better. This morning (sat.) he is in true ADHD mode with 50 things going on. He didn't plan on taking one today b/c his brother's bachelor's party is tonight and he thought it wouldn't be good to take while drinking. But, I think he does plan on taking it on the weekend.

    So far, I have not seen him while the Adderall has been in his system. Most of the time he will be at work, and the dr. asked me for my observations at the next appt. in 3 weeks. I told DH to write down changes he noticed while taking it, but I doubt that will happen. ANyway, if you or a spouse take this, what are some of the changes you noticed in yourself or your spouse? I am just wondering what to look for.

  • His Anger, my ADHD, and twin toddlers...help! by: ericacaren 12 years 5 months ago

    Don't know where to begin, but need to get my feelings out before I implode. My husband and I have been married for 6 years, together for 8. I had ADHD as a child (back when we all just assumed that we outgrew it), then was diagnosed again when I was 25, a year into our relationship. At the beginning of our marriage he took on the role as care taker basically...he payed all the bills (to keep them from being late or trashed), he cooked (to keep from the house burning down), he did most of the cleaning (clearly my version of wiping AROUND the lamp and alarm clock were not good enough), he did all the research (to keep me from impulsively buying a car because it was shiny and I was bored with car shopping), etc. I guess I never realized how much he took on, in addition to my adorable quirks of forgetting to turn off the oven, forgetting to lock the door, not being careful and spilling peach crystal light on our new carpets, leaving my car keys in the freezer (as I write this I realize what a joy I must be to live with). To make matters worse, whenever I did something wrong or forget to do simple things, like wipe down the counters after making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and he pointed it out to me, I would get defensive and we would fight. But still we were happy. After 3 years of marriage, we tried to get pregnant and had trouble, so I became an overly sensitive ADHD woman injected with all sorts or hormones, off adderall, and dealing with disappointment month after month. Don't I sound like a catch. He was wonderful throughout that whole ordeal, and most men would have ran, but he loves me. Now we have 2 beautiful girls who are almost 2 and bring us nothing but joy...okay that's a lie, with the joy also comes a lot of stress and even more arguing. Now we fight about 3 times a week on average. I work full time as a second grade teacher in the inner city, plus I'm the primary caretaker of the girls (he is an amazing father though). I'm up with them every morning at 5:00, get them and myself dressed and ready for the day, take them to daycare, drive to work, work all day, drive home, pick them up, make and feed them dinner, clean up, play, get ready for bed, bathe, put to bed. My husband comes home in time to play and help with baths. It's our system, our routine, and it works. The problem is that it doesn't allow for much time for me to pay attention to detail, remember things, communicate like a normal human being, and it leaves me drained to show any attention to my husband after the girls go down. I'm well aware of this, but if he says something about it, I get defensive and angry that he doesn't understand how much work it is. My ADHD is wonderful when I'm marching around the house singing songs with my girls, but not so much when I completely forget to clean the kitchen floor from dinner, then when he gets home from work and steps on a mushed up carrot, he gets mad at me for not cleaning it up, and I get mad at him for yelling at me, then it begins. He gets mad at me for everything, and my response is to shut down. I hate confrentation...this only makes him more angry and he starts getting mean, telling me how hard it is to live with me, calling me names, telling me I have no common sense, pointing out how much he does and doesn't get any appreciation for, letting me know he feels ignored, etc. I go into shut down mode, and stay there for awhile. 

    Now I feel like I can't do anything right...ever! He constantly tells me that I ruin things. Like "We were having such a good day and you had to ruin it" or "way to ruin mother's day." I work and think differently, this frustrates him to no end. I either rush us when he wants to take his time or I'm "all-over-the-place" when he wants to move with urgency...and since I can't communicate properly this turns into a fight. I don't do well backed into corners, getting made to feel like shit, and I won't apologize when I feel attacked...but who's to say he's attacking...me...and I have no common sense so you can't trust me to know what I'm talking about.

    I try so hard, I do the laundry, the dishes, clean the kitchen, clean the living room, and take care of 2 toddlers, with a full-time job...I feel great about myself...untill I forget to shut the window when I put on the air-conditioner (something that he asked me to do at least 54 thousand times) Then I'm right back to feeling like a failure at everything

    I know he feels left out now, not getting much of my attention. I know 2 kids can take a toll on any married even without ADHD, but I just want to be happy and I want to make him happy, unfortunately I don't anymore and he has no problem telling me so. 

    So that's a start into how I'm feeling...thank you if you took the time to read and make sense of my ramblings

     

  • Conundrum by: gardener447 12 years 5 months ago

    Conundrum;  A paradoxical, insoluble, or difficult problem; a dilemma:

    I tend to start a new post only when I'm struggling.  And I tend to really struggle on the weekend.  Yeah, there's a connection.

    A comment from a friend led me to re-read the comments people have posted in response to comments I've posted.  And that review led me to my journals.  And all this led me to realize the "nut" of my situation.

    My ADD guy is at his most easy-going, optimistic, motivated, i.e. happy when I am doing my best to be patient, understanding, self-sufficient, and "let things go."  Well, duh, of course, that's easy to understand.  Unfortunately, my reading tells me this is also when I am most despairing, ignored, confused, and pessimistic.  So I kinda feel like I must be a phony.  A boob.  A patsy.  Lying to myself.

    My guy is at his most distant, oppositional, sarcastic, irritated, stone-walling, i.e. not a nice guy when I am doing my best to express my needs, not be a doormat, coaching him to communicate and share his time with me... I've picked up from the friend and the reading that I might not "stick up for myself" enough, or very effectively.  So I kinda feel crappy there, too.  Do I believe too much in the aphorism " do you want to be right or do you want to be married?"  Isn't there any balanced place between nothing and something?

    Conundrum.

  • 2 1/2 years w/ NO KITCHEN! + endless, unfinished projects @ home...Help Me Understand!!! by: Minpinmacy 12 years 5 months ago

    I'm at a complete loss on what to do w/my husband and marriage.  After 10 years of marriage, 2 beautiful girls, & so many endless unfinished projects, I just don't know how much more I can take.  I need some real, genuine advice, and I need it now.  

    *bought a house 8 years ago...lived w/my Mom for 8 1/2 months while bedrooms/living room/dining room walls were ripped apart to the studs/floors ripped out/replaced. Mom hired contractor to finish drywall for us so we could move in.  The trim around entire inside of home is still in the box in the garage from 7+ years ago.

    *ADHD husband bought wood for me to paint so he could build a fence to keep our then 10 month old baby in the yard...he built about 2/3 of the fence, the rest of the pickets are in the garage on a shelf.  She is now 5 1/2 years old.

    *Sept. 2009 we ripped the roof off our kitchen/main bath/laundry areas thanks to a roof that had been leaking for 3+ years (he should have done it sooner).  He insisted on ripping our kitchen/main bathroom apart (I didn't agree to it cause I thought it would be too much to take on because of his history w/projects)...he did it anyway.  Here I am in June of 2012 STILL w/out a kitchen!  My 5 1/2 year old doesn't remember having a kitchen EVER and can't wait to bake cookies w/me when "we have a kitchen someday".  In the dining room we have a fridge on a piece of OSB board on the carpeting, a microwave, desk, computer, printer stand, 2 cheap storage cabinets for food & a few kitchen supplies (the rest of the dishes/kitchen gadgets are stored away in the attic), and have a constant supply of disposable silverware, paper plates/bowls, & cups so I don't have to wash dishes as often.  Sold the stove a few years ago since there was no place to store it.  Have to take a laundry basket w/dirty dishes to a family member's house or just use large bowls of water from the master bath tub and carry through the house to the dining room to wash dishes.  Had to wash laundry at the laundry mat for almost 2 years until he decided to hook up temporary plumbing so I could do laundry here (have to walk outside & around the house to access the laundry area).  December of 2010...his brother (who was helping him on the kitchen at the time), said they would probably be ready for hanging  drywall by mid January....here we are in June of 2012..still nothing.

    *Our daughters' bedroom has a play loft that he built for toys that went 6 years w/out access...needed a ladder/railing.  I finally decided to learn how to use a saw myself and built my girls a ladder to get to their stuff and play.  I also built my 5 year old her own bed that attaches to her sister's loft bed since she was too small for her toddler bed.

    ***He comes home from work 99% of the time and spends hours on the computer, watching tv, reading, or talking on the phone outside while pacing back and forth on the sidewalk while smoking cigarettes.  Rarely will you see him work on anything at home consistently.

    ***If I ask him to ride our bikes or take walks w/the girls, his answer is almost always "no, I don't feel like it right now".  

    ***The girls feel like they can't rely/count on him to follow through on his promises or if they simply need help w/something basic.

    ***On occasion (1-2) times/month, I'll get together w/friends from church, come home at 9:30 or 10:00, and most of the time, the girls still haven't had dinner because he says "they didn't ask for dinner".  (They usually will grab a snack on their own until I get home.)

    ***The list could go on and on...but I'm so fed up w/the nonsense and unfairness of chores around the house and his insensitivity to our needs/feelings....but yet why am I still here w/him?  I keep thinking there's gotta be a way for us to get each other figured out.  It always ends up being "my fault" on why things aren't done.  If I make an honest/calm attempt at talking to him when there's a problem, he gets offended and lashes out at me w/rude & unfair criticisms and then I'm the bad guy for even saying anything.

    ***He wants to take on the responsibility of paying bills...for 4 months, almost everything including the house payment have been late.

    THIS IS MY 1ST ATTEMPT AT GETTING HELP ONLINE...PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE THE BEST WAY YOU KNOW HOW!  WE WENT TO COUNSELING FOR  A FEW MONTHS BUT HE WON'T GO TO THE ONE I CHOSE ANYMORE BUT WON'T DO IT TO FIND A DIFFERENT ONE.

     

  • Fog has lifted and the truth has never seemed clearer by: jennifers_secrets 12 years 5 months ago

    Yes, it's true, my 11 year long stretch of trying to determine and fix my husband's personality disorder has finally come to an end with a conclusion that I'm satisfied with stating is exactly the cause with no further doubt in my mind. 
    I must however admit that the answer does not give me any comfort or hope that my marriage will get better, in fact it assures me that unless I do some soul searching of my own it will without doubt only get worse. 

    I haven't visited this forum in a while although I use to frequently scroll through posts hoping for answers but mostly just longing to know I wasn't alone and that others relate to the chaos I have lived in for so long now which gave me comfort and reassurance that I wasn't crazy and it's as much for all of you who unknowingly gave me reassurance as it is for my own written validation that I'm sharing the diagnosis that has taken me 11 years to recognize. 

    What blows my mind the most is that it's just so obvious, in fact it's probably mentioned in nearly every post under this topic yet I never really processed it and I believe there are likely many others out there much like myself. I consider myself to be intelligent, I'm extremely introspective I had a long career as an investigator in law enforcement and my focus was victim's of domestic abuse of all things, yet I was totally taken in by this and I can only assume it's because I did not want to face what I'm facing now so therefore I ignored the obvious and searched for other causes but the simple answer to all my husband's behavior can be summed up in one word...manipulator, yes, it was that simple. He does not have ADHD or any of the many other issues I've tried to pin it on and my eye opening moment came after reading one simple article that I happened upon just a couple of weeks ago, an article that has forever changed me. I can honestly say that although he hasn't gone down easy the entire dynamic of my marriage changed literally over night and it wasn't due to anything other than the changes I made within myself. 

    If any of you think you may even possibly be dealing with a covert-aggressive personality as defined in the below article it may be life changing to read further into how you are possibly being manipulated.  Please do not take this offensively if you or your spouse does in fact have ADHD, I am in no way claiming that's an inaccurate diagnosis, my only intention is to give back to this community by sharing information that has made a huge difference in my life with people who may benefit from this knowledge, 

    Everything below this point is an excerpt from manipulative-people.com

    How Dost Thou Manipulate Me? Can We Count the Ways? | Manipulative-People.com

    Recently, one of the readers commented on another reader’s question about how to deal with a troubling and manipulative relationship.  In their comment, the reader made the excellent point that many times manipulators combine tactics in a way that makes the manipulation more effective.   This got me to thinking about something I probably haven’t emphasized enough in prior articles, namely the infinite number of ways some characters can find to manipulate and take advantage of others.  In my books In Sheep’s Clothing and Character Disturbance I outline the most “popular” tactics manipulators use.  But I also point out that shrewd manipulators not only combine tactics sometimes but also have an arsenal of techniques that is virtually endless.  Still, I don’t go into detail about all the various tactics and combinations of tactics they can use.  And while I’ve posted some prior article that expand a bit on the various tactics manipulators use (see:  Another Look at Manipulation Tactics), I thought it important to elaborate a bit more on the nature of manipulation tactics in this article.

    Most of the time, people get manipulated because they don’t trust their gut instincts.  While at some level they might suspect someone is trying to get the better of them, they often can’t pinpoint anything that objectively confirms that hunch.  This makes them feel a little crazy.  Besides that, the manipulator can speak and act with such apparent conviction and intensity that the other person starts doubting their initial impressions and reactions.  Once that doubt creeps in, and especially once the manipulator notices that fact and plays upon it, it’s “game over!”

    A good manipulator can use almost any tact, or combination of tactics:  deny they’ve done what another accuses them of doing, act innocent and/or offended, turn the tables and reverse-accuse, blame the victim for suspecting, doubting, or “falsely” accusing, etc., and do it all with such apparent righteous indignation and the other person is almost sure to cave in.  The key is to know the victim’s vulnerabilities and to effectively read their responses.   This enables the manipulator to pick the tactic or combination of tactics most likely to work.  And what really does a would be victim in is their hesitancy to believe that there really are people in this world so calculating and heartless that they’ll use all kinds of tactics to get their way with no compunction or remorse and put on such a civil facade to mask it all on top of that.  That’s why it’s so absolutely essential in this day and age to understand the nature of character disturbance and to be in a position to make fairly decent and accurate judgments about the kind of character with whom you might have a relationship.  And it’s toward those ends mainly that I have geared my writings.

    The other main reason folks get manipulated is because when they engage with the manipulator, they don’t take a step back and assess what’s really going on process-wise in the interaction.  They actually listen and respond to what the manipulator says and does.  And then, like getting whiplash, they later realize they were taken in but long after the damage is already done.  So the key is to be very aware of the process as it happens.  To listen “for” and not “to” the kinds of things the manipulator says and to watch “for” the various shifty behaviors they typically exhibit.  Being alert to what’s really going on in the interchange is absolutely essential to avoid being disadvantaged.  And it also empowers a person to resist manipulation no matter what tactic or combination of tactics the covertly-aggressive person might throw at you.

    What I’ve tried to do in both of my books is to lay out an easy to understand framework for becoming a much more astute judge of character.  Once you know what kind of person you’re dealing with, it’s easier to anticipate the kinds of things they might do in a relationship with you.  Really knowing yourself and knowing the kind of person you’re dealing with – that’s where the real power is. 


      

  • Out of the mouths of babes... by: Lmanagesall 12 years 5 months ago

    My 8-year-old daughter talking to me  (non-ADHD spouse). "Mom, why are those neighbors so rich? Their mom doesn't work. 

    I respond, "their dad has a job. " 

  • Is this ADD or something else? by: lily1 12 years 5 months ago

    You're having a conversation with someone who has ADD and supposedly loves you.  You're telling them you're going through a very hard time in your life.  They say a few words, but sound bored, detached and show no emotion or interest.  A few minutes later they ask how someone is doing they barely know.  When they ask about this person they sound very interested and concerned, even sweet.  What is up with that? 

  • What I want by: jennalemon 12 years 5 months ago

    I wonder to myself, How does a good marriage keep it together and why doesn't mine feel good to me? I found the following on the internet.

    "Eros cannot survive the vagaries of a long marriage in which one partner willingly and constantly sublimates their own needs in order to mollify and hold onto the more dominant partner." I agreed with the philosopher Andre Comte-Sponville that the essence of romantic love (eros) is want. In other words, to be 'in love' is to be consumed by a passionate longing for someone. Hence it is impossible for two people to stay 'in love' when they have lived together for a long time. Why? Because when want is satisfied, it ceases to be want. We cannot continue to crave that which we already possess. The Scottish philosopher David Hume (1711-1776) once wrote an essay about marriage, polygamy and divorce. In it, he remarked that romantic love requires freedom in order to survive. 'Love is a restless and impatient passion, full of caprices and variations: arising in a moment... and suddenly extinguishing after the same manner. Such a love requires liberty above all things.' (From Hume's essay, Of Polygamy And Divorces) Typically, when two people fall in love, they are free and unattached. They live in different houses, lead separate lives and are free to give their hearts to whoever they choose. Romantic love flourishes under these circumstances. The time lovers spend apart makes the time they spend together all the more precious; and love is all the sweeter when it is given freely and spontaneously. But once two people commit to being 'a couple' (typically by marrying), they are no longer free to live and love as they please. Their actions and affections become bound by constraints - constraints that are entered into voluntarily, but constraints nonetheless. Eros cannot flourish under these circumstances. Duty, responsibility and routine are inimical to passion. In time, the heart palpitations and giddy intoxication of new love must give way to something more serene. But although eros cannot survive without liberty, friendship can. David Hume writes: 'But friendship is a calm and sedate affection, conducted by reason and cemented by habit; springing from long acquaintance and mutual obligations; without jealousies or fears, and without those feverish fits of heat and cold, which cause such an agreeable torment in the amorous passion.' Unlike eros, friendship thrives under constraint. The very stuff that chokes the life out of passion (duty, responsibility and routine) causes friendship to flourish and bloom. 'Friendship... never rises to such a height as when any strong interest or necessity binds two persons together, and gives them some common object of pursuit.' This is why successful marriages are not characterised by swoons, sighs and palpitations of the heart - though they will have had their share of these things at the beginning. They are characterized by care, consideration and tenderness. The happy couple, says Comte-Sponville, 'have managed to transform the passion and ardour they had in the beginning into joy, gentleness, gratitude and trust, into happiness in being together.'  In other words, into friendship. Does this mean that desire has no place in a long-standing relationship? Not at all. It merely changes.  But as eros subsides and friendship increases, a couple learn to love less selfishly. Love-making becomes less urgent, but more generous; and although passion subsides, pleasure remains. Successful couples manage to unite friendship with desire."  Gary Hayden, Mind Your Body, The Straits Times

    I would like someone to honor duty, responsibility and routine with me on this journey of life. A friend who I can trust and depend on so that he is strong enough to be there for me when I feel weak. A man who shares feelings and thoughts about the mundane little things in life and also the planning, forethought and follow through's for the big things. Sharing. A man who strives for spiritual, emotional, intellectual and financial growth.  I have had that.  I know how "homey" that feels.  It feels good. 

    I am learning that ADD or not, the striving for that kind of maturity and caring is what would turn me on more than any promises or romantic gesture ever could. A relationship I could feel proud to be in. Mr and Mrs Good Friends....trusting and at peace - together, long term.

    Because I don't believe I had the love I wanted (comfortable, dependable Mr and Mrs Good Friends) my need for love has not been satisfied. I have been "wanting" or as stated above, was still tortuously "in love" (in want).  While my DH is not wanting in love from me (because I was constantly trying to have that with him), he has moved on to more interesting shiney things because he probably believes I love him enough (too much, so much that he must stay away and not share because he needs more freedom).  I have loved him but I don't like him.  I don't like the way I feel when I am with him.

  • the smothering/ignoring rollercoaster can really hurt. by: annablue 12 years 5 months ago

    I love my partner. I am madly in love with my partner. But the untreated ADD that she has is toxic. She recognises that her own worklife is affected, and admits that out of everyone in her life I am most hurt by it - but then, she'll take the meds to help her at uni, but not in general to help us out.

    She talks to the doctor about what I can do to help our relationship and the ADD hurdle, but her ego is so fragile she will never ask what she can do. In fact, I heard her talking to the doctor on Skype about her not wanting me to mention the ADD and her doctor validated that was how my partner felt by saying, "yes, ahum",  - but she told me that the doctor told her it was best that I dont mention ADD. Which is a lie, that hurt. But I didnt say anything I just said "ok", and i havent mentiuoned it since, because i want her to be happy.

    I have been with her 2 years and we are engaged, but everyday I think about leaving her. She is unreliable. She doesnt take the ADD seriously. We can't talk. And she does things like, throw my stuff in the garbage because its convenient whilst she is on a rampant clean. 3 times she has spontaneously dropped her full time study - twice she dropped study to nil, and more recently she has dropped 75% of her study load. This has happened at the start of every year. She is project oriented - needs routine or feels completely hopeless. I love her to pieces but I can't hold my emotions together anymore - at first my emotions took a complete beating - but now i am almost emotionless.

    I can't help that I love this person, everyone who knows me laughs at the fact i want this woman to wed me. They say she is good fun, but i cant trust her.
    I'm so lonely because one second i am being smothered and the next week i am being completely ignored.

    Is anyone else in my position????

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