Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Newly DX with innatentive ADD, can impulsivity cause an early divorce? by: artsygal 12 years 5 months ago

     

    Hi,

      I have written on here a while ago discussing my spouses hyperactive ADD, his DX and treatment trying various meds.  Well, interestingly enough, through learning about ADD and getting help myself his nurse also notices some symptoms in me, but the innatentive kind.  My brother was diagnosed with severe innatentive ADD.  She said that I was very high functioning so most would just notice my complaints of depression not the ADD.  Anyways, I had been having such a hard time with my spouse with his severe ADD, not sleeping, not being able to walk in the house because it was SO messy, etc.  his anger flair ups. 

      In my life in almost all relationships, I always felt an inner uneasiness that almost pushed me to "get out" of them, to end them.  I did the same in the marriage.  When times got beyond unbearable I just divorced him, quickly.  Anyways, now that we are divorced.  I still dont feel divorced.  I still feel that I love him and he does as well.  I finally have been diagnosted with innatentive ADD and have started tx with adderall a small dosage.  To my suprise I feel like a totally different person, I can get so many things done..and my depression has lifted.  To the point I only need 1/4 of the depression medication that I was on! But after all this, I realize I may have impulsivly got divorced.  It makes me feel sad, I still love my husband and he loves me.  We plan on starting over again, and maybe even getting married again someday.  My question is this, has anyone else heard of this?  I mean does ADD make one impulsive enough in relationships to end them, and even get divorced or married fast?!  

  • Questions by: gardener447 12 years 5 months ago

    I've long struggled with the feeling that my ADD guy is "not interested" in me, and then struggled with the idea that I need "too much" attention.  He tends to either not pay attention when I'm speaking, or cut me off to do something else (including leaving the room), or interrupt to talk himself.  Not interrupt as in contribute to the "conversation" but to change the subject completely.  About two years ago, I almost entirely stopped answering his question "How was your day?" because I realized he didn't really want an answer.  He's very satisfied with "pretty good" or "busy" or "not bad", then he's off to the races to talk for 20 minutes without a breath about his day.  I realized if I talked about a challenging issue at work, he would invariably respond with "that sucks" or "you'll figure it out" or "huh".  When he says "how was your day" I think it is because he was raised to be a somewhat socially acceptable person, and that is a socially acceptable thing to ask.  But he never really wants to know.  So now I just imagine telling him about my day, imagine him saying "sucks", imagine feeling crappy about that, and skip directly to "pretty good" or "busy". 

    BUT I had a huge realization this weekend while reading "Gabby".  Congresswoman Giffords's husband Mark Kelly was writing about the difficulties in communicating with her during her recovery, and her difficulty finding the words she needs to communicate.  He wrote about her inability for many months to ask original questions.  He would speak, and she would respond, by listening intently and when able, with single words or short phrases.  But for a long while she was unable to ask questions, to draw him out, to express interest.  I was really affected by this, and so related to the feeling of trying to communicate with someone who never asks any questions.  I wept for a while.  And was reminded of my guy once telling me, accusing me, really, that I only asked him questions because I wanted him to ask me back.  Guilty, I guess.  A satisfying conversation with my husband would not be an exchange of stories, i.e., you talk and I'll listen, then I'll talk and you listen.  It would be participatory, back and forth, engaged, INTERESTED!  That's what I'm struggling with today.

  • At the Crossroad by: solka_june 12 years 5 months ago

    I am 25 years old and have been in a 2.5 year relationship with my partner who has ADHD. He has had it since childhood, and was on medication until he was 21, after which he stopped it as he never liked the side effects and felt that he was too 'serious' on it. Ever since we got together we have fought over his jealousy, insecurity, and quick temper where he will swear at me and explode before cooling down and expecting me to forgive him. I am a doctor and well aware of the ADHD relationship problems, especially after reading this site. 3 months ago he agreed to go back to a psychiatrist for an assessment and was put back on dexamphetamines. However he only takes them at work (as he works fly in/fly out) and therefore when he comes back on weekends he usually doesn't take them as they interfere with his appetite. Every weekend he has been home over the past few months we have fought, usually over him exploding over something which could have easily been talked to. And then when I get upset his inability to sit down and just talk through the problem means that he will just get drunk and pass out on the couch while I roam the house wanting answers and not being able to sleep. Although I know that my own bad temper contributes to things not being resolved, I've found that over the past few fights even when I have been calm and refusing to swear at him he will continue on on his own. Today he got angry at me and swore at me in front of a friend who was over for breakfast; I have been frustrated over the fact that I do all the household chores and work in my full time job whereas he comes home from up north and spends the whole weekend sitting on his computer looking up holidays. Today I went to grab the clothes that he had been sitting on that I wanted to put away and he just yelled 'Fuck!', pushed me aside and sat somewhere else, causing my friend to leave. Trying to not aggravate the situation like I've read on this site I went for a drive, and sent him a message saying I was doing so and would be back later. He sent me 5 or 6 messages about how apologetic he was, and how it wouldn't have happened if he had taken his medication, and would I please come home to talk about it. Yet when I did actually get home he shut the door in my face, started swearing at me 'because I'm angry' even though he knows I despise it, and told me that if I wanted to talk I should have come home earlier because now his medication had worn off (it had only been 4 hours) and he can't talk to me. He told me I'm a bitch etc, and then when I went and cried to myself came back and started hugging me and stroking my hair. But then when I brought up the fact he could have not sworn at me over making him move for the laundry off he went again, swearing away. Saying that all my friends hate him and think he's a 'cunt' - when I point out that maybe they wouldn't think that (even though they don't acutally) if he didn't talk to me badly in front of them he just gets more mad. Tells me to move on, find another doctor etc because he has a problem and I know it, yet I still get mad over it. The argument ended when I said that I've stuck by him just like his mother stuck by him, even though she's told me herself her friends used to think that she mistreated him by the way he lost his temper and swore at her. He ended it by crying and saying 'Fuck you cunt' before storming outside to smoke and have another beer. He's now asleep on the couch. 

    I know everyone has their own problems here on this site, and believe me I've done my fair share of reading trying to understand different perspectives and why we keep getting in these stupid arguments again and again. I understand that he is insecure, that he hates being on medication, that part of ADHD is that he loses his temper easily. But I do everything I can to help him to the point that I feel like his parent  - I find myself making excuses to my friends and parents about his behaviour and the fact that he never sticks by his promises and goals, that he is disorganised and short tempered and can never seem to get his priorities right. I love him for who he is (mostly) but I can't accept him still swearing at me and exploding over things 2.5 years into a relationship. I know that he loves me and wants a family with me, but I don't want to be stuck in a relationship where I get yelled at by (likely) both my kids and my husband with no where to turn. I have stuck it out this far and want it to work but don't know what to do. He tried once trying to book us in for relationship counselling only to be told there was a very long waitlist and did not hear anything after that. When this isn't happening he's very loving, kind and generous and I know he genuinely cares for me, yet we have been over the same situation so many times that I have lost count. Is there something that I can do? 

     

  • Someday I hope to go to the "Joy" section on here. by: Longhaul 12 years 5 months ago

    My DH has been on meds for about the past month? strattera. Yes, sometimes, most of the time, he is doing better. He's on 100mg a day with an antIdepressent. Seems to be going ok. 

    Here's my dilemma. 

    It was pretty brutal there for over a year. Every time I want to forgive, I cry. Diagnosed severe ADHD.

    How do I ever trust that person won't come back? 

    Lots of hurt...lots. 

  • Synaesthetics: The Soundtrack of an ADHD Mind... by: Pbartender 12 years 5 months ago

    I've always loved music...  Way back when I was school and college, I played trumpet and sang in all sorts of bands, choirs, and choruses.  It always helped focus my mind, when I never knew I had ADHD.  It helped me express myself in ways that I could never find adequate words for.  So, allow me to continue the tradition with songs that exemplify, to me, what it's like to live inside my head.

    Feel free to join in, should the mood strike you.

    First, we'll begin with a song for all those times I am desperately trying to pay attention to my poor wife, as she tries to converse with me...

    BOUNCING AROUND THE ROOM, Phish

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fayGQX-j6sg

    The woman was a dream I had, though rather hard to keep. For when my eyes were watching hers, they closed, and I was still asleep. For when my hand was holding hers, she whispered words and I awoke.

    And faintly bouncing round the room, the echo of whomever spoke.  And I awoke.  And faintly bouncing round the room, the echo of whomever spoke.

    The place I sought was far beneath the surface of the sea.  My sight was poor, but I was sure the sirens sang their song for me.  They dance above me as I sink.  I see them through a crystal haze, and hear the sweet sound bouncing round the never-ending coral maze. The crystal haze, and hear them bouncing round the room the never-ending coral maze.

    Then before and now once more, I'm bouncing round the room.

    That time then and once again, I'm bouncing round the room.

    And I awoke.  And faintly bouncing round the room, the echo of whomever spoke.

  • Poem written by non-ADHD spouse by: Ivorey 12 years 5 months ago

    I had written this poem awhile ago and until now didn't realize it was describing my feelings in relation to my husband's ADHD.

    I intend to make it into a short film. If any are interested in reading the script, please let me know and I will post it. It would make me feel better to know that there are others out there who feel the way I do. Sometimes describing a scene expresses my feelings better than words can.

    The Sad Butterfly

     

    I need you but you are empty

    I feel you but you are cold

    I press against you but you don’t press back

    My thoughts flow beside you but you don’t pick them up

    I think I’m going crazy...you don’t notice

    I put my heart sad In your hands...you just dangle

    I want you to be here with me, but you are somewhere else

    I tell you I need to leave...you ache... helpless to your mind

    If I pushed you off a cliff would you wake up?

    If I screamed in your face would you hit me?

    I hope
       I wait
    Are you sleeping?
    When will you turn into my butterfly?

  • suffering in silence by: Ivorey 12 years 5 months ago

    My husband and I have been married for almost nine years. He was diagnosed as a child with ADHD, but not by a specialist, by his mother, and was never treated. He was treated for depression and Tourette Syndrome. He has been recently diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and is receiving treatment. Yesterday we met with the specialist and he should be starting his new medication tomorrow. I am hopeful and anxiously awaiting a change. At the clinic I bought the book The ADHD Effect on Marriage. How I wish I had found this book long ago.

    I have been so tired, angry, frustrated, lonely and ANGRY. I told my husband a few years ago I felt like I was dying inside. I tried to tell him why. I felt like I was married to a rock. A man with no emotion, no interest in anything, someone so laid back it drove me crazy, no opinions about anything. I realize now it was his ADHD. We've had talks over the years about my feelings. To the point where I was ready to leave. I know he hated the way he was making me feel. I hated the way I was making him feel. I eventually gave up trying to talk to him. Knowing that talking would just make things worse. He would feel awful, depressed and helpless at wanting to change but not knowing how. So I suffered inside. All the things that bothered me still bothered me, but I would no longer mention them. The book mentions how some spouses give in to verbal abuse to get their mates to pay attention to them. I suffered verbal abuse from my father growing up so that was never an option for me. I would never subject someone I love to that. I did verbally abuse him in my mind though. I feel really awful about it. I'm sure it must have come across in my body language somehow. He recently said he had given up on getting any physical affection from me for years now. He attributed it to me just not being an affectionate person, maybe something to do with my father growing up or not seeing affection between my parents. But I think I was so angry at him most of the time I couldn't bear to show him affection. But he didn't know that. What was the point in telling him. It's not like it would make any difference.

    But...I'm hopeful that things will get better. Finally, he is getting the treatment he needs. I want him to feel better. It's not just about me. Perhaps I have been selfish in thinking that way. He needs this for himself most importantly.

     

  • slow response by: dannie 12 years 5 months ago


    ​i have been in a relationship with a man with adhd for 8 months.  i have had a few trying moments but i feel that i really love him and am accepting.  my question is that when he travels for work it sometimes feels like he forgets about me and i don't hear from him for a few days.  in this day of technology it seems so easy to just contact me.  is it normal for someone with adhd to just get so busy and stuck in their own head that they just won't contact their partners for a few days??

    looking for insight

  • Medication and Donating Blood... by: Pbartender 12 years 5 months ago

    Do any of the ADHD medications cause trouble when donating blood?

    I am currently on low dose (18 mg) Concerta, and have a DRC donation scheduled for next week...  I've been in the habit of donating regularly ever since I was old enough for it, and I'd rather not give it up, if I don't have to.

     

    Pb.

  • The Other Side Of The Fence... by: Pbartender 12 years 5 months ago

    Hello, everyone.

    (The Short Story) I've noticed there's a lot of threads in here about ADHD spouses -- diagnosed or not -- who in turn are in denial and unwilling to make changes.  What if you are on the other side of the fence? 

    What if you just found out you are ADHD and you desperately want to make changes, but your non-ADHD spouse has already given up before you were ever diagnosed...  before you ever realized what was causing the problems?

    (The Long Story) We've been married nearly 14 years.  In most respects, our marriage has been a textbook marriage involving undiagnosed ADHD...  We met the first day of freshman year in college.  We were the best of friends for 2 1/2 years, before we started dating.  Everything was fun and happy and perfect, until we got married straight out of college and almost immediately had a slightly autistic son and then also a daughter a year and a half later.  Things were sometimes good, sometimes bad as marriages usually go...  there were plenty of stresses from life and work and what not.  But we'd entered that slow downward spiral, which in hindsight had all the indicators and arguments and complaints that read almost word-for-word from the anecdotes out of all the ADD marriage self help books (if it would help you guys give advice, I can elaborate later).

    About a month ago, my wife had finally decided enough was enough, that she was tired of dealing with it all, and that no matter how hard we tried nothing was ever going to get better.  She was ready to get divorced.  The trouble is, neither of us is separately in a financial situation to get divorced...  We bought a house just two years ago, and we can't afford to sell it.  Neither of us can afford to move out.  And neither of us wants to leave our two young teenaged children.  It will be at least a year before we can actually get divorced, if that is what happens in the end.

    So she moved into the spare bedroom, and ever since we've been "roommates who happen to be married with kids".

    In the meantime, we'd had a few talks about it, as I tried to deal with the shock... I hadn't realized the relationship was that far gone in her eyes.  She'd explained that since I can never remember what she says, it always feels like I'm not paying attention to her.  She understood that it wasn't exactly my fault -- I was "absent-minded" and couldn't change that -- but she just couldn't deal with it anymore.

    That got me to thinking.  I had been dealing with my "absent-mindedness" all my life...  At least twice as long as she had.  I was pretty tired of dealing with it, too.  And I had never really considered that it could be changed.  I'd always just assumed that it was something to live with.  I'd always found ways to deal with it and work around it (I've already have a bucketful of reasonably successful coping mechanisms...), and so it had never caused a major problem until now.  So, I went to my doctor, we talked about a lot of possible causes, she asked me a lot of questions, I filled out several questionnaires, and in the end I was diagnosed with ADHD just a week ago.

    Like when my son was diagnosed with autism, it was something of a relief...  All those years of knowing something wasn't quite right, and now it all makes sense... Now, plans can be made and things can change for the better.

    So, I'm starting in on trying out some medication -- low dose Concerta to start -- I'm actively looking for an ADHD coach or counselor to help with some behaviors I haven't learned to deal with on my own, and I'm reading up all I can (as G.I. Joe says, "Knowing is half the battle").  I am eager to makes changes for the better, but my wife...

    But I'm not sure what she thinks about it all.  She's completely disconnected.  I seems like she's completely given up.  I finally understand what's been going on, and know what to do about it, and it's all too late.  It's like finding the train schedule two minutes after it's already left the station, and standing there on the platform as it chugs off into the horizon.

    I know what the books say, and I know what everyone here will suggest...  I know I can't make her change.  And I know I shouldn't make my own changes with the intent of changing her mind or saving the marriage.  That I should change myself for the sake of making myself a better person.  But it's so hard to do that if there isn't even a hope of rebuilding our relationship. 

    Right now, it feels as if there's no point of being a better person, if it won't make a difference.

    Thanks for listening, everyone.  Now, I need to go and try to get some sleep before I have to get up for work.

    Blecch.

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