Ok, so where do I start? My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have two children. He recently told me that he is "done and can't take it anymore". I asked him if he made up his mind and he said "yes". We went to see a counselor a few days later (I thought for us, but he later said it was to have someone give us direction on how to help our kids through this). The counselor spoke with us together for about an hour or so, then told me that she needed to get more history from him. I eventually "got the point" and left. Later that evening I asked him what she said and he told me that she told him that I had some social qualities of Aspbergers. I was really irritated (not that she had said Aspbergers, but at the fact that she made a harsh JUDGEMENT based on the INITIAL VISIT and I believe short history). I told him that I didn't think she was the one to help us and asked him if he would consider going to see someone else. He agreed. He says he's been in "HELL" for the last 15 years and can't do it anymore. I am broken hearted. I asked him if he could TRY and see if WE could work and he said he doesn't know how. That he has TRIED for the last 15 years. I told him that he ISN'T trying, because I was only diagnosed 2 years ago and we haven't seen anyone, used any "tools" to even try (either of us I now know). I have learned a lot about myself in the past week. He is frustrated that I don't ale responsibility for ANYTHING, I act childish, and the list goes on. I told him that a lot of his anger is from my BEHAVIOR and that with the right tools, he may realize that I AM the person he wants to grow old with. I the that he is sooooo ANGRY that he won't give it a try. We went to a new counselor who was I think amazing. My husband to us at the session yesterday that the first lady t the end of thier session asked him what was his decision. He told her he was done, and can't do it anymore. Do you know what she said? She told him that if he is done, to go get a lawyer and get custody of our kids. WHO THE HECK DOES THAT? I was like WOW!!!!! Well, the lady we saw yesterday told my husband she thinks he is "unclear" of what he wants, and asked if he would give it a little more time. He hesitated, but then agreed. I enrolled in a community college in Dec 2011 and having ADHD my homework is crazy. I am ALWAYS doing homework and I don't know what happened. Last night (with finals next week) I told my professor I needed to drop out because my family is more important  and I needed to work on this. He understood. I called my husband and told him, he didn't think it was a good idea because of the cot and I told him it was so I can work on US. After thinking more about it, I have decided (him encouraging it) to take my final and finish my class. I did tell, and that I am taking the summer semester off to focus on our family. After I told him, I asked him what he needs from me? He asked my when would it be that I will just "accept" his decision to leave and be ok with it? I told him I thought the timing should be fair (not like 2 weeks) and he said " all I can do is one day at a time, but you have to realize that I might go to the appointment Monday, walk out and be done" . I said " WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? You give a glimpse of hope and they yank it away". I was balling my eyes out....the kind of hurt , crushed crying. Later that evening, I called him, talked a little and then tol him I was going to bed. I told him " I LOVE YOU" and he said it back......it sounded like he was going to,say so,etching else, but held back. So that is where I am at. I just want to know is this a positive sign or not. I want us to work not only for us, but for the sake of the kids too. Any thing would be appreciated. Oh, we made a list to take to the second counselor about what drove us crazy about the other. On my list, instead of listing that, I listed the things I HADN'T taken Responsibility for......and there were about 26 of them. I am learning more and more every day. I just hope it not too late.

Who knows what goes on when I am not around by DH apartment,I let my self got caught up for one (whole) year running down the relationship b/c I did not know it was ADHD at the time.I wasted a lot of time,energy,mental and physical health,in not knowing the (truth) or the (underlying problem),I thought he was not (loved)by his parents the way he should be, or maybe (this too shall pass)how "typical"I really was blind to the disorder"thank god for the internet",Today I am in a much more better place after finding out it was not me,or,him.The fights,arguments,tantrums,the "blame game" all the series of things that fall under ADHD and the rest that follows, have me at a much more better place just finding a name for it,but,this is where it gets serious,he lives alone,I am not with him,he could do anything that he won't do intentional,and I am afraid!

I did not get a key for his apartment yet!why? I really can't say,every time I ask him he says to me:

me:hey babe,when am I going to get a key for "our" apartment.?

him:"well you never gave me a key for your house,why should I?"

me:"I can't give you a key to my home b/c my mother is the owner,only when she is no longer then of course!"

him:"well I am not giving you a key until I get one to your house"

I can't give him a key! My mother will rant if I do,it's not my house,according to her will,it will be mines fully upon her passing,but the apartment his his!and he even went as far as to say the apartment is "our's",,, Is he trying to hide something? is he taking time from work and having affairs?he is his own boss,so could take time off,lots of time off ,I can't put my head on a block for him,I really don't know what is going on.!!!since ADHD is a mental problem and a dysfunctional brain the reason for taking meds is to help and produce the chemicals to help the brains functions,am I right?he is not on meds yet! I am after him to go see the ADHD specialist,but I read it is not good to nag,so I am not nagging him,but I do remind him when we are having a really lovely time,or his timing is right.

one crazy example for not taking control or being un medicated is:he saw me hugging a male friend and wishing him "happy birthday"it was very platonic/innocent,, just 5 days before my birthday,he got so upset that he accused it of something"going on"when I know my friend for more than 6 years,WAY BEFORE I EVEN KNEW MY SPOUSE,he got so "MAD"that on the day of my birthday, I found a prostitute at his apartment undressing in the kitchen through the kitchen window,of course I didn't have a key so I waited,2 min's later he opened the door and he came outside, I rushed in the door and saw her putting her clothes back on,but I got so "angry"I started to slap the woman,and she was just standing there taking it,he just watched on and did nothing,it all happened soo very fast,before you knew it I rushed her outside"naked"with only her underwear on,and he was so very drunk,all I did was waited for her to leave then I jumped in my car and went to the bar and self-medicated my pain! I cried all night long,but my friends was there to comfort me,that really hurt me bad.,,

 After thinking it through next day,Which means they did not have S,but then what she was doing there?he told me that he brought her there b/c he was upset that I hugged the "male"friend.He said it was only to upset me while he taught she would be sitting in the kitchen with clothes on so I would waltz in and see her(he was not expecting me)we were fighting over the phone the whole day,so why did he have her at his apartment?,the bar in which he picked her up in, had one friend of our's, he taught might have called me and tell me he took her home,to get me upset,but he was soo drunk!how could he think that through? when he was so drunk and already have a chemical imbalance!,he said he was not thinking,he lost focus and that he never meant for me to walk in on her naked! okay so then give me a key so that I would "trust but verify" but no! he won't do it,so what did I do? I took his key off the key chain and went and made a copy yesterday! and he does not know. I don't know what I would really do with it, but I have it for peace of mind.So tell me folks,if he could do something like that to me on the "day of my birthday"then what he would do again?if I am very Platonic,very monogamous,and still getting this "nasty"behavior from him.He hasn't done it again since then,, and November of last year was the first and last,but,will he do something like that again? even if it was,as he say's my fault! we will see!!

that is why meds is sooo important,and self-behavior.

lovehurts.

This has happened many times.  We have a heavy conversation usually about something he did or didn't do.  I am emotional, loud, insistent, strong.  I have said I can't go on like this anymore and give some suggestions about giving ourselves both some breathing room and both be able to get our needs met in a way other than us beating ourselves up trying so hard.  He ususally says things are OK to him but "whatever". In the morning, I am distraught with the work ahead of looking for other living arrangements and the conversations and professionals that will have to be included in the untangling of our mismatch.  He is always gone in the morning so I am left with the deed alone or to wait to discuss this further.  When he does breeze in he makes no attempts at talking EVER until I am the first one to start the ball rolling.  It can take DAYS or WEEKS ---- he will NEVER be the first one to speak.  No matter what I say, he will say something unrelated like, "Do we have ice cream?" or "I took the garbage out." or "What did your sister say on the phone?"  Sometimes we laugh at how angry we both are/were.  He forgets/is not concerned/didn't hear me/denies/distracts/I don't know what he does but he has not been sick to death about our conversation like I have been.  Here is what I have learned about that.  You don't have to worry too much about your actions/words to them because an ADDer is ready and willing to forgive and forget.  Not because they owe you some forgiveness as you have forgiven so much (because they don't keep a record of past behavior) but because they did not spend a long time in the dark trenches of unhappiness and fear that you did.  They moved on from the conversation immediately after it was over and are already thinking of other non-related things.  I sometimes wonder how it came to be that we stayed married so long.  One of the reasons is that he did not let my angry trantrum words forever stick in his head like I have his actions and words in my head.   I have a LOOOOOONG laundry list of his past transgressions.  His brain doesn't carry things like that around - there is no room for that so he uses humor and denial to reflect it all.  Again, pardon me for expressing what I THINK is going on in his mind and feel free to correct me.  He doesn't share feelings or thoughts so I am trying to guess what is going on in his mind.  It has seemed he just doesn't care.  Now I know that he can't.  He must self-preserve using his tools of denial, distraction and delusion.

I am getting to the "acceptance and understanding" phase of having this information of DH's probable ADD. I only found this site and learned about ADD one month ago. I knew about "hyperactivity" and heard the ADHD label but never associated it with anyone I was knew.   I have SOOOOOOOO much built up frustration, resentment and mistrust from this 35 years of marriage.  Every day I have more information and I test it and it turns out what people are saying is happening the same way with us.  DH and I just had a conversation and I had tears going down my cheeks as I was talking and as usual he did not make any reference to my tears.  He walked out the room all happy go lucky just happy to be on his way with other things on his mind.  Ordinarily I would have felt even worse and felt stupid for crying and that he was off thinking I was weak, a baby, too sensitive, stupid, intolerable or some other judgment about my crying. I would start wondering what was wrong with me that I cried and he walks away.  I would ALWAYS take his leave-taking without acknowledging my tears as him hating me or at least not caring.   This time I made no attempt to hide the tears falling down my cheeks.  Could it be that he really did not see them? Or is it that ADHDers just turn something unpleasant out of their minds and it is instantly replace with more pleasurable thoughts?  That he has no idea of all the crying I have done all these years? All these years when I cried and he walked away without acknowledging my sadness was either that he DID NOT SEE THEM OR it did not register that I needed something from him OR he needed to get away because it was too much for him to handle?  All these years I had been thinking he was an uncommitted jerk and I was too sensitive.   My tears really have no effect on him. Or is is a NOW/NOT NOW thing and my tears affect him only for an instant and he can turn around and not think of it.  It used to make me crazy and sad and angry.  Now it makes me feel lonely.  I am sure he is thinking of something else by now but I am here on this site trying to sort things out and find an audience for my tears.