Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Pain, fatigue, and hunger... by: SherriW13 12 years 6 months ago

    Another member posted about her ADHDer having a 'ZERO tolerance' for these..and it really struck me. We just had a 'fight' this weekend over the pain issue. He had a tooth pulled Friday and got a prescription for a narcotic pain reliever. (HUGE problem for me...he has a history of abusing pain meds). He took 3 of them within 10 hours (were prescribed every 6 hours) and I flushed them down the toilet. He was insistent that the ONLY reason he took them was because he tooth was hurting. After reading that, it dawned on me...he is the exact same way. I tried explaining, without making this connection, that THAT is what gets him in trouble with pain meds...because if he still feels ANY amount of pain, he feels it perfectly "reasonable" to take more, regardless of how they are prescribed. That is a recipe for disaster. Pain meds are NOT a guaruntee that your pain will stop 100%...and some pain will just be a part of life. It seems he has no concept of this or understanding of the fact.

    Same with being tired or hungry...SOOOO many fights when he's tired or hungry because he has ZERO tolerance for anyone or anything. God forbid he get his mind set on something he wants to eat and then somehow he not get it...it is the end of the world and he is pissed at everyone. 

    Is this common? 

  • Progress, babysteps.... by: ellamenno 12 years 6 months ago

    Hello everyone!

    I've been meaning to catch up, but have been so busy and haven't been allowing myself to spend too much time doing anything that isn't related to earning any money, cooking, cleaning or dealing with kids.

    BUT wanted to check in and tell y'all that I FINALLY have been getting my ass outa bed in the morning and going for a run.  I read something about 6-8AM being the best time to run because of cortisol levels or something and that it really boosts concentration.  I don't know how true this is, but it really does make a difference for me.  For MONTHS i would try:  I'd set my alarm and just turn it off without even knowing it, or i'd just chicken out.  Finally one morning the alarm went off, I thought, UUUUUGGHGHGH!!!! I looked at the clock and then thought to myself, "Dang-it:  YYZ is probably already back home with a coffee cup in his hand.  I can do this!!!"

    So I got up and ran ONE mile.  

    the next day was 1000x harder to get up, but I did it.  I did it because i'm so tired of being tired...  and now I actually look forward to it (also because it's the only time I have to myself!)

    I don't manage it every day - and I am pretty grumpy on the days I miss out - but it's made a huge difference in my CONFIDENCE believe it or not.  There is just a weird sense of clarity to my decision making these days.  

    I still have a long way to go, but just wanted to check in....

     

  • Need Help Planning/Anticipating Better for Generic Upcoming Events :) by: ADHDMomof2 12 years 6 months ago

    Hello Everyone,

    I am trying to figure out which steps I'm missing so that I can better "remember" (using my smartphone and any other reminders I feel necessary) and establish better procedures so my husband doesn't feel the burden of being my external hard drive/frontal lobe/cruise director.  I am usually pretty good about remembering things that fall into my routine, such as taking out the trash.  Even though it's only once a week, it's part of my Sunday night routine, so all of the tasks are "connected" in my mind.  Also, my husband and I plan out the basic plan for the week on Sunday nights, which I put into my phone as well, so I do have awareness (even if I forget at times) of what is going on.  Usually, I get things done when the event itself is determined, but whether it's a time-disaster due to poor planning is uncertain.  What I have a REALLY hard time with is the following:

    1) It takes me significantly longer than other people  to plan out TIME, what needs to happen, and how to be prepared ahead of time for certain things, and planning out the minute-to-minute actions I need to take, and possibly have my children take for something to be accomplished.    I might help plan the week, but I have not been planning out the details that need to happen.  My husband has been taking care of this much of the time, primarily because he is afraid that I can't/won't.  Now he's abruptly stopped planning for me.  Lest I be under siege following that last comment; I should say I don't have a problem with this at all.  I want/NEED to learn how to do this better and frankly I'm tired of having to listen to him complain about my planning skills WHEN HE HAS ASKED ME TO DEFER TO HIM IN ALL MATTERS OF TIME.  I'm determined to get better at this, but I really need help.

    I have determined (either recently or in the past) that the following things are necessary:

    1.  Checklist for repeated events, such as athletic equipment for my kids.  

    2.  Need to enter event into phone the day before as a "repeated event" if I need to have something cleaned prior to an event

    3.  Need to make sure I know who's going to be where at a certain time with which kid.

    4.  when I have to leave, how long it will take, take into account transition time (from soccer field to car, for example), length of drive

    5.  Do I need to cook something different because it will take too long given when we have to be somewhere?

    6.  Where will I be in the cooking cycle?  Will I need to cook something that day or will I have leftovers?

    I wanted to know both from NON-ADHDers and ADHDers alike whether I am missing any questions I need to ask myself.  I gave soccer as an example, but it could be anything.  AM I ASKING ALL OF THE RIGHT QUESTIONS?  I really suck at this...

    I do NOT know how my husband does this.  It takes him almost no time, he almost always thinks of everything, and automatically asks himself the right questions, and even refines the plan as he goes.  He's got such a strong sense of time, even without a watch, he just knows, usually within a few minutes or less what time it is!  I would give anything for that ability!

    Any advice on planning is much appreciated :)! 

     

  • Hey Aspen!!! You were right!!! by: ellamenno 12 years 6 months ago

    Just wanted to let you know:  My husband DID get me the 3 CDs I was bugging him about!

    You're a genius!

    Yippeee!

  • At my breaking point, violence by: MrsNon-ADHD 12 years 6 months ago

    I don't know what happened for this to escalate this way.  I am at home today on a day off and was cleaning.  My husband came home at lunch to grab a bite to eat and get back to work.  He chose this time to complain at me.  He opened the fridge door and seen two small containers of raspberries we had bought last sunday.  He started to accuse me of not eating them in time before they've gone bad and why the hell would I buy three containers of raspberries and only eat one and waste the other two.  

    This has been an arguement that has happened SOOOO many times over food.  I yelled back at him saying he lives her too he can just as well eat them if it bothers him so bad that they go to waste. But then he counters with he doesn't want them he didn't buy them he wasn't going to eat them.  I said you are going to fight with me over 5 dollars?!  I also pointed out that he buys an entire loaf of bread and eats four slices of it then throws it in the garbage too. (I dont eat bread because of gluten intolerance).  He said that doesn't matter because it's only 2 dollars.  !!!!!!!!!!!

    At this point we are both screaming at each other, and he threw a kitchen towel at me then proceeded to cus at me and say he hates me. Then he washed the raspberries and took them with him and left.

    World War III over 5 dollar raspberries. REALLY!?!?!!?  

    Is my husband a huge jerk or does this relate to ADHD symptoms? Maybe something happened at work the first part of the day I don't know.  But its not like he was opening the door and was like, oh there's raspberries going bad, we should eat them. But no, he blamed me for over spending and buying what I cannot consume. Then he said that we should split the fridge down the middle and each buy our own food. !!! 

    I'm so tired of living like this.  Why can't I buy the food I want? Why is he controlling this?! I never once gave him a hard time over throwing the majority of bread in the garbage every week!!

    Now i'm sitting here crying and just don't know what to think.

  • A new day by: catch22adhd 12 years 6 months ago

    Today my kids had field day at their school.  At the crack of dawn, hours before they were to wake up I went out and got little accessories to go with their class t-shirts and hats to match.  Oh yeah and bought drinks for both of their classes.  When they woke up they were so happy with everything and obviously excited about the day.  

    Some of you may be saying that's what normal people do all of the time.  Well I am an adhd dad who finally gets it.  While these were small steps, I totally understand the idea being involved and contributing to what is going on in the family.  My wife is still living behind the 50 ft brick wall but I did not do it for her or to get her to believe that I have changed.  I did it because I have wonderful kids and they deserved it.  I get it!!!  Whether she forgives and we can move on or not I get it... I can move on because at least I finally get why she is never happy and always frustrated.  Funny......she really does not know how to act now.  Oh well it is a new day.  

  • Driving by: MrsNon-ADHD 12 years 6 months ago

    My husband, whom I suspect has ADHD, DESPISES having to drive long distances.  I mean even a one hour trip out of town.  Is this an ADHD symptom?  If I am the one driving, then it is fine for him because he can play on his ipad.  Another issue we had was a few occasions when he was driving in a different city where we didn't know where everything was, I had the map and was giving him directions.  He got so easily frustrated, I would direct him when to turn and which way, and he wouldn't listen, then we'd end up going the wrong way, he would start to show anger and yell and start to blame me that I didn't direct him soon enough etc.  

    We have had at least three or four instances the past few months driving and him getting so mad and angry and we start to yell at each other.  I am desperate to stop this negative interactions because we want to start a family soon. There is no way I want to be raising voices in front of children. It seems like he is quick to anger, blame and start to yell!  Is this ADHD?  Or just anger problems.  I have started to read Melissa's book and we both recognize other symptoms he has. But just wondering if this driving thing could be a symptom.

  • Letter to my dear husband.... by: foundy 12 years 6 months ago

    I have been with my husband for 11 years, married 6.  We finally figured out what was wrong last summer.  He is struggling with his medication and feelings that he can overcome this on his own, his lack of self-esteem from being forced to be a stay at home dad since I earn a large income, and overall issues with feeling controlled by me having the only full access to the checking account.  Of course I do so out of necessity since it's been emptied on more occasions than I care to admit, but all of it has lead to a major meltdown in our marriage.  He is convinced he's better, but I feel like it's getting worse.  I've been through the most unforgivable and heartbreaking situations and ordeals.  The last few months, have been pure hell as even the sight of me sends me into a rage.  Yesterday he calmed down and promised me he'd change.  I was on my way home when I found out he found a new place to play poker and he'd be there til 11.  He came in at 4:30 this morning.  Here's the letter I wrote him today:

    "If you talk to my husband....

    I don't know where along the line I became so insignificant to my husband.  He refuses to put my needs either emotional or material before his wants and even when we seem to be in the most dire of circumstances emotionally, he refuse to put me or our marriage before anything fun.  Somewhere along the way I became expected to deal with it as its just the way it is.  I kept screaming "no more" but neither he nor I took me serious.  Now...last night I collapsed, cried for hours on my knees in our room trying to find some shed of proof that I'm still important to him.  I waited up for him though I was exhausted.  I did as much as I could around the house, cleaning up after a bad housekeeper/nanny we currently are paying, and no word.  I knew by 11:15 he wasn't coming home, though deep down I had been hopeful he was out to prove me wrong.  Midnight neared and I called...somewhat expecting him to again prove me wrong....I got his voicemail and I knew.  I crawled into bed with our oldest baby, snuggled up and went to sleep.
    I woke up a few times, but not every 20 mins like before.  Every time looking at the clock getting more and more hurt and frustrated because now I know for sure the evening involved drinking and cash and he would not be home until either or both were gone.  It definitely isn't me that's pushing him home.  That is too if poker is truly where he is.  While in my heart I believe the days of infidelity are over, I never really know do I?  All I know is my husband is refusing to answer, refusing to come home, he's drinking, and it's close to daylight when he wanders in.  All I do is pray sometimes that he doesn't have a drunken "oops" night that happened more times than I can count in the past.

    What truly tears at my heart the most is that he has no idea how sad I feel inside for how much he is hurting.  I know he's  miserable, I know he doesn't mean to be a thoughtless husband, or that he doesn't ever mean to lose all his cash when he plays.  I know that in fact he's desperate to show me he can do it, and to make me proud.    It breaks my heart to know how good a player he is, but no matter what, he insists on drinking when he plays, and it has been his biggest enemy in the game.  I am heart broken for my dear husband.  I keep telling him how neglected I feel, how unloved I feel, how much it hurts me that he continues to disappear in the night to do as he pleases no matter how anyone feels or what they need.  I needed his love yesterday.  His arms.  I needed him to hold me, to promise me it was changing, that he was so sorry and had been so wrong, but he was committed to fixing our marriage and our family. 

    I AM the same woman he married...I am.  The situation has changed and I'm focused on protecting our boys and getting them settled, but I'm the same woman.  I've just been beat down.  The effects of his disorder and choices has taken its toll on me, and despite all my struggles to forgive, forget and start over, I'm still trying to make this work and keep us all together.  But I afraid that I'm running out of hope.
    I see and feel my hope and sparkle dwindle more with every disappointment and broken promise.  It is heartbreaking to feel like I've given him so much support, so much love and forgiveness, and at the times emotionally I need his undivided attention and concern, he finds somewhere else he'd rather be.  I don't even ask for much, and even times I've asked just for BBQ night or Taco night for us to spend time together, he seem to forget or get sidetracked in something more fun...sometimes a drink or two with his friend, or a long turn of events that makes our plans then impossible.  And his response when I show my disappointment is, "you make everything such an event.  Such a big deal!  It was just dinner.  We have our whole lives".   and if I wasn't starving so much for that time and love from him, it wouldn't have been a big deal.  But even his remembering a dinner at home would have meant so much.  I gave up on the hopes of him bringing me flowers or a massage.  I gave up on him doing those "I'm sorry" things that most husbands do.  Heck I even gave up on hearing "I'm sorry. " at all.  He says that it means nothing unless he's ready to say it. I feel really lost in all this.  He doesn't even see how much I'm starving for even the slightest hint that he loves me. 
    I sat on our living room floor the other night changing our babies when the texts demanding money came rolling in.    He left that day to get tennis shoes, but i knew when he left...i saw it in his eyes and his mannerisms, that he was not coming back.  In fact, i got this sinking feeling in my gut that he'd end up at the poker table, drinking and wanting more money.  I tried all day to keep my cool, not explode when inside I just wanted to scream."here we go again.  I hope this turns out ok.". I was putting the babies Jammies on as I was being called a selfish whore, told I made a huge mistake I will regret if I didn't get him at least $200 right then.  I had warned him before that I suspended the account..I had hoped it would prevent this scene from playing out.  Looks like I couldn't prevent it after all.  I didn't cry as I read the words..instead was scared and terrified he was going to come home and hurt me.  I was scared.  He has been so angry with me for so long, I thought tonight he might actually lose it.  I put the boys in bed and prepared for him to come home.  Packed my bag in case I needed to leave, but not wanting to leave the boys behind.  These things cross my mind...I worry about these things because he get so angry with me and feel in those moments so deprived and neglected.  He no longer sees or thinks rationally when he's mad, and he is insistent that he gets nothing from our money and I keep it all for me.  When he's angry, it makes no since at all.

    I got out of the shower this morning and did what I often do after we fight.  I find more ADHD materials to help me understand how the man I love so much could be making me feel so bad.  I find more resources that reassure me of my beliefs and often to be honest, buy our marriage more time as I hang on to everything I learn as assurance that its not just me and there is hope.  The problem is that there's only hope if he wants it.  To actually do this it will be the hardest thing he has ever done, and he has to do it each and every day.  The odds are for sure against me especially as he has decided again that drinking is something he will never give up...even if it means he loses me.  But things are so bad...I think to myself, "maybe today he'll decide it has been enough.". The first texts I get are angry and I sigh.  I realize that again today, I am to blame for his behavior.  Maybe tomorrow he'll understand and want to see.  Each day that passes, my hope fades more and more.

    I wish my husband could truly see my heart and feel my pain.  Maybe then he'd chose me over his night out, or realize how seriously close to the end it is for me.  I love him with my whole heart, as he is the only man i ever loved and will ever love, but I've learned the hard way that only he can decide when he's ready to change.  Or even if he will.  If he's not committed to it himself...it will never happen.  No matter how much he actually does love me.


      I go in to work today.  Another morning he walks in as I walk out.  I start the same fight as always and then we stop.  I'm just done trying to make him see me.  It's too hard.  And he reminds me our son is in bed with him.  My frustration is past the boiling point and i can barely see straight, but suddenly I just feel like, "what's the point.?"

    He wakes this morning and again sees not the bigger picture of why I'm upset. He wants to figure out a poker schedule again.  Eventually I lose it and I know I'm hurting him.  I don't mean to...I'm just so confused on how the world he sees, is so much different then the world I see.  How come we cannot see each other?

    Well I should probably go, but should you talk to my dear husband, see if maybe you can get through to him.  Maybe you can help him find it in his heart to committ to change his life, so in turn it can change our lives.  See if you can get him to love his wife and to show everyday, not just every so often when he feels bad.  I know she's desperate for his love and attention.   I tried reaching out.  Maybe you can get through when I can't. "

    -Me

    Immediately following his reading of my letter, my husband texted me asking for the number to the Adult ADHD Clinic.  He called me back with all the info telling me not to thank him yet.  He had a lot of work to do, that it was expensive but worth it.  He apologized for getting so wrapped up in himself and his needs that he completely neglected and lost sight of me and what he was doing to me.  The man I have loved so unconditionally called me to tell me that he recognizes that he needs help and can't fix it himself.  That while the letter hurt him, it was beautiful.  It was honest and he had no idea how he didn't see it.  He told me he has made a lot of mistakes in his life, but he's intelligent enough to realize when he's about to make the biggest mistake of his life, and that he could not lose me.  Given all that I had forgiven, I promise you, this was a man who probably never really saw me ever leaving.  He knew in his heart, that I was done.  He made apts for us both to get the help we need individually and as a couple.  I know it's not solved, but I feel like today I can take my bag back out of my car.  I have a glimmer of new hope.  

  • The rope will burst!!! by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 6 months ago

    OH!! his rope will burst soon,how long does he thinks that he could continue manipulating me for again,this time I have my back covered.

    I hardened my heart sooo hard that I am feeling NOTHING right now!

    absolutely nothing!!!!

    this is what I have become,from :the loving kind hearted woman to the hard hearted bi**h.I hate being this way.What if the right man may come along one day,will I be able to love again and trust that person???? without badgering them in to finding out their status in life??

    I am sorry but I don't think that a man could even smell me JUST so again!!!

    lovehurts.

  • Taking the garbage out by: MrsNon-ADHD 12 years 6 months ago

    I am so happy to have discovered this website.  I am married to my husband one year, and together for 7 years.  Throughout our relationship we have had various blow out fights.  In the beginning he romanced me like  no other man has before, he was charming, so romantic and attentive.  Then one day, everything just stopped and the focus wasn't on me anymore.  I felt abandoned, neglected and forgotten about.  This in turn, lead to many conflicts and myself acting out in a way that was alarming to myself.  I look back seeing that was the effect of coping with the withdrawal of my husband's attention.  All this time I had no idea that any of this could be related to ADHD.  A few months ago we were at a family function and his mother stated that she thought he had ADD as a child.  She even recounted a past memory of him being so angry at her as a child that he would scream at the top of his lungs and even his veins would pop out.  A fit of rage.  These couple comments from his mother prompted me to do some research online.  The symptoms associated with ADHD seemed to match my husband.  When I came across this website and started to read some articles of the non-ADHD spouse's point of view, I felt they were telling my story and exactly how I felt!!

    Anyways, the one "chore" or "task" I have given my husband to take care of is taking out the garbage once a week.  It happens every single week, and is to be taken out the night before collection day.  He constantly forgets. He even set a reminder in his iphone, which helps, if he takes the garbage out right after he gets his reminder.  If he dismisses the reminder and doesn't do it right away, it's forgotten about 10 minutes later.  In the past I would remind him the night before collection day that he forgot to take it out, this angered him.  So I refrain from helping to remind him.  If he forgets I mention it a day later, and he gets so angry that I just won't let him have this one thing to do, and that I am trying to control him by reminding him and that I enjoy reminding him. Which I do not!

    To me, taking out the garbage on a weekly basis seems like such an easy task.  He is constantly forgetting it.  What bugs me is that when I point out that he's forgotten it, he gets very angry and defensive and acts like he has only forgot it like twice out of the year.  He minimizes the problem greatly.  It just frustrates me that something so easy creates a huge conflict.  I could take over this task myself, but then he would have nothing to be responsible for of the housework.  I do everything else!  

    He will do certain things, but only if I ask him to, such as, can you vaccum the front rug, do the dishes, put your papers away etc.  But I just absolutely hate having to "order" him around! I just wished he would come home and tidy up as well without me asking him to.  It just seems difficult.

    I have bought the book the ADHD effect on Marriage.  We started to read it together but whenever I bring up to read it he wants to put it off until tomorrow.  Then tomorrow comes then it needs to be put off again, and so on.  This also bothers me because I feel like this ADHD is effecting our marriage in an negative way and I want to be able to be happier together and why am I the only one taking initiative to do this, even when I don't have the condition?  

     

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