I am engaged to a man with moderate ADHD.  I don't know if that really counts because we haven't been married yet, but after reading Melissa Orlov's book, I felt like my life was in print.  I love my fiance more than words could ever say.  It is the first time I have been in a relationship where I feel respected and loved unconditionally.  Everything started out GREAT at the beginning of our relationship but then we started fighting all the time.  I mean ALL THE TIME.  Our days became measured not by how happy we were each day but if we didn't fight.  And if we did fight, did we fight really hard or for very long? I couldn't understand it.  Vacations suffered.  We went to bed arguing almost every night.  I had never been so in love and so frustrated all at once.  My fiance was diagnosed with ADHD when he was very young.  He underwent treatment while he was growing up and then his parents dropped the ball and stopped getting him help.  His mom was a selfish alcoholic with what I suspect could be bipolar disorder and his father was just passive and didn't care.  I knew about it when we first started dating, but I never thought that it actually had any effect on him.  I always just thought of his ADHD as the energizer bunny behind his optimism and energetic personality.  I will admit that I blamed his inattentiveness when I was speaking to it, but that was it.  Then one night about two weeks ago when we were arguing, for the first ever, he blamed his actions on his ADHD and said to me, "I have ADHD, okay?  I can't do everything perfect, but I am trying!"  And I said something to him about not blaming his actions on his ADHD...

...but then it really started to nag at me.  What if I wasn't giving him enough of the benefit of the doubt?  Why couldn't it be just as much if not more my fault than it was his?  So I did some research, found Melissa Orlov's book, and within the first 10 pages, I was crying.  This was my life.  The Parent-Child Dynamic and then nagging and the frustration.  The Symptom-Response-Response model.  It was me to a "T".  So then I dove into the section about how the ADHD partner feels and I had to keep a box of Kleenex with me.  I felt so horrible.  I was also greatly to blame for the direction our relationship had gone in.  I grabbed a pad of sticky notes and a yellow highlighter and I assaulted the book, marking things that I wanted to remember or that matched me perfectly, and sections that addressed my fiance's possible feelings and attitudes about our situation.  I sat down with him and did just what Melissa said to do... I asked him to just tell me how he felt.  I wasn't trying to fix him or correct him or give him pointers on how to make it better.  I just listened.  Things that I had suspected he was feeling came out and things that I hadn't even known he was feeling came to light.  I couldn't believe how open he was being with me.  The man who would never talk about how he was feeling was speaking to me about his emotions.  He asked me to do the same and tell him how I was feeling.  And I did.  I told him about the frustration but also the realization that it wasn't just all his fault.  It was just as much mine.  We decided to read the book together and talk about it as we went through each chapter.  

I have decided not to talk to him about getting treatment yet.  Maybe if our behavioral changes together can't make enough of a difference for us, we can talk about it in a pros vs. cons way and ask how he feels about it.  But my fiance from the very beginning has always been so committed to doing things to make this work.  We have had many talks in the past about his impulsive spending because I told him I couldn't trust him with his finances if he was doing that.  Or his inability to control himself from eating junk food, because I want our future kids to be able to see him as a role model and be healthy.  I had told him earlier on in our relationship that I didn't want to be the parent and take charge of everything because that wasn't a partnership, and I wanted him to feel like he had the reins too.  All of these talks resulted in changes being made (even if very slowly) immediately.  It didn't matter to me that a switch hadn't been flipped.  He was trying!

Now, he is eating healthier.  The "C Student" is now kicking butt a the top of his class at the fire academy (he found a career that would be a great use of his energy and passion for helping people) to get into a career that he can support us with.  He is actually PLANNING out his expenses!  He saves his money and is talking about opening a savings account that he puts money into every month and never touches until we are ready to buy our house before the wedding.  We are making plans to get out of the house and do a little bit of traveling as something to do together without the stresses of being home.  He's saving money for these trips without me even saying anything.  He is actually advising his little brother on how to be smarter about his money!  I have learned to stop the nagging, share the load by giving him a little bit at a time, and just throw the Parent-Child dynamic in the trash all together.  I ask for him to explain why he is doing what he is doing instead of just assuming he is blowing off what I ask him to do.  Cause sometimes he did just forget (take a breath, it's okay!) but other times, he actually thought about it and what he is doing (in his mind) needs to be done first.

It's still hard.  I give a couple minutes everyday to the worry that he will end the "hyperfocus courtship" after we are married.  But I know that thinking about it and worrying about it right now isn't going to make things better.  This is the first time that I have KNOWN without a doubt that I was meant to marry this man.  I can be just as frustrating on the other end of the spectrum as he is.  I know I am stubborn and scheduled and super-focused.  He reminds me to relax and enjoy life.  He encouraged me to be more flexible and roll with the punches.  He reminds me not to let the things I can't change bother me.  Anytime I am struggling or feeling down, he is there to make me laugh and feel loved and whole again.  He tries so very hard to make his ADHD affect us less and I notice it... and I appreciate it so much.  I know that I have some behavioral changes to make, too.  I will leave it up to him to pick where he wants to go on a vacation so that he is super focused and excited about it.  His excitement helps him to focus on tasking and I hand off the planning to him so that when the trip is all planned and we are there having a great time he looks back at it and say "Heck yeah, I made this happen."  I've learned the relax, take a breath, and stop assuming that he is being thoughtless or inconsiderate.  I give him the benefit of the doubt and let him share some of the load... because he wants to, he just struggles with it.  

I know we have a lot more time before we have this down pat... but I know we can do it.  Whether he chooses to take medication or makes it work without it, I know we can have a great marriage.  One day, one patient moment, one conversation at a time.  I have so much hope for our future now.  Having a partner with ADHD wasn't exactly in my childhood dream of marriage, but I never pictured being married to someone who is so optimistic and energetic and situationally flexible, either.  I don't think that I would love him as much if he didn't have ADHD!

My DH has the tendency to continue along the path of destroying our relationship with his (anger issues),I just cannot comprehend as to why he gets sooo mad over"Everything" it is hard and nerve recking enough already to deal with his ADHD, but the anger issues is the main problem with us.one example:

I deal with the public everyday,that's in my job area where I serve the public,I met him while working one day, so he tends to feel that maybe I would meet a next person through my work criteria,he comes every morning during the week to get breakfast at my cafe,and then leaves,but everyday I dress almost the same,jeans and "white" top and a hat,so he somehow found the nerve to tell me through a text on Friday after our "big fight" that I am serving the public with tight jeans and tight top with make up on,ohhh,ho,,, I am sorry but what does he want me to wear?  he has got to be bluffing!!! I don't know but he says that his lose link in his chain ,is me looking like that in the public and that I could "pick up" like that,Lol, he is insane.

Alright,so how it is that ,that was never a problem before,but suddenly "now", right,, I understand the concept between the two time zone the ADHD live's in "now and not now",but did that fall in to the same line,I really am not sure if anyone knows the answer to my question please answer.

I don't really think that was the main cause for our big fight on Friday,it was clear to me that he was having financial problems at his work and then took it out on me,maybe he really wanted to tell me something about my dress attire, but could not do it in the "not now" time zone.Or maybe he was trying to play the "blame game" again,either which way he knows that he is "not" what I thought he would be ,so it builds fear that I would find someone else,while with him,true but I won't do that!

Then suddenly I encountered that this is our 5 or 6 breakup over the 1 year of marriage,but we argue like every other 2 days over his "anger issues"that he brings ever so constant to the table,he texted me over this weekend after our "big fight" on Friday,and he would say weird things like this:

this is Saturday he texted me all this:

"I need to find someone to live with me here,you have your family, I don't have nothing/nobody"

"you are young, you could move on with your life,I think we need to give it a rest"

"I love you but can't live like a raccoon up here by my self"

right so I texted him back and agreed that we needed to give the relationship a rest, and then a couple of hours will pass and he would text:

this would be Sunday now next day,

"I love you bi**h"

"I am going fishing today to clear my head,I can't take the land lock,it is distracting me"

"we could work it out,I just need to get back in the sea"

Okay!!! it is clear to me that the time zone"now and not now" is the real deal when coming to ADHD,and that is really making me sick to my head! he can't make up his mind,he does not know what to say, how to say it, and what he should or should not do!! he is puzzle,in other words his meds is fishing,and he really can't do without the ocean.So then fish do whatever you need to help"you" that is important.But he gets so angry over "everything"
such a simple thing like my dress code! I am very decent and I don't dress swanky for work,but jeans are made to fit tight,and he finds it to be tight,how typical.

lovehurts.

I am happy to read your posts. All the posted it until now by women are married with ADDers, but this is a very important roll in women’s life, to be a MOTHER. My mother in Law it is not diagnosed, but I suspect she has ADD, She basically has the same basic discipline difficulties like my DH. She has difficulties of going to bed early,  waking up, getting up early (after 11 am or later) etc.

For what my husband and she have been sharing with me through the years, it seems that also it was difficult for her to know what was her responsibilities as a mother and/or to use common sense. According to his own words this is the things I found them strange and non-sense:

My husband as a baby was hyperactive and she use to give a bottle at what ever time at night to make him settle down. (It is know in evry culture after certain age if healthier for a baby/toddler to sleep at least 10 hours straight)
She use to put sugar in his milk bottles and suggested me to do the same for my daughters. (My mother never put sugar in hour milk, its know for decade is bad for your teeth)
It was hard for her to wake up early to make (his son/my husband) be on time to school.
She use to travel a lot for pleasure and/or to visit his mother in Peru (between 2 weeks to 1 month and a half trip), leaving the kids sometimes on the care of church friends or neighbors. (My father-in-law use to be a pilot, so sometimes he couldn't be there for them either). This period of time with out her supervision helps some unfortunate events to happen in her kid’s life: My husband and his brother were sexually molested at the age of 8 and 6. My husband told me that he tried to let her know about it, but he remembers that she kind of ignored it, or try to don't make a big deal about it, wishing this event was erase in my husband tender mind of 8 years old. My sister-in-law later was a victim of his own brother (my husband) who also molested her in the same way he was about 4 year later of the event. That same girl had early experience with sex, alcohol and drugs. She is more or less 37 and it seems she is recovering; she is back in school, getting married for the first time, etc
My husband also told me long time ago, that her mother use to be in the phone all the time, and that make him feel jealousy and angry.
My husband parents were separated for 6 months when my husband was 12 or 13, and she allow a neighbor to hit on her, without taking the proper measures to hide this from her kids or husband.
She complaints about his sexual life with her husband, alleging he doesn't know about foreplay, and being rude. Now this is a topic that we women talk a lot, and I seriously think sex is overrated. Hollywood, literature, Internet and other media are diminishing the real meaning of intimacy. I have 20 years of marriage and I came to marriage with no experience in this topic, but I learned that all in live is a lesson you learn, you practice, you make mistakes with your partner, you learn, and you continue practicing. One of the good things in my marriage is intimacy; I still enjoy it because I still do it with my still-husband (we are separated for a year now).
Psychologist says that negative experience in live storage easier than good experiences. That is true, I sometimes, if I am watching a movie with some romance my first thought is about my husband, but then another thought hit my mind about my husband and all the girls he started an emotional affair, and how he maybe thinking about them when he is watching or if he watches the same movie. But it doesn't happen lately in our intimacy, it used to happen, but like another lesson to learn I have to block that thought and enjoy the only thing I know we share together, even if I am not in his mind.

So I am not sure when girlfriends and other women complain about their partners way of acting in intimacy, and the lack of sexual pleasure. I think is all in our mind and heart, And if we do not have your partner in your heart and in your mind, very little we will get from it.

Anyway, sometimes I think women come out with these statements to redeem themselves to satisfy their sexual needs. In my mother-in-law case, you can travel to Europe and South-America, or whatever other country or continent where she traveled alone and for sure she can tell you where to go to dance, gambling and shopping. (I am not against of dancing I love to dance, and shopping when I can pay cash, and gambling?, NOT REALLY. She loves to flirt and drink, I am not sure how far she had been after flirting and drinking in a nightclub far away from kids and husband, and I do not want to know.

I remember my husband told me that she was in Peru with her sister (6 years old at the moment) and his father went to Peru to meet them and travel back with her. When his father showed up at home, he came with his daughter but my mother-in-law decided to stay even longer. My husband said that him and his brother started crying when they discovered their mom wasn't with them.
My husband is living with his parents right now and he told me he found some pornography channels in their TV. I talked to my mother-in-law about finding a way to block these channels, to help my husband with his efforts to recover from pornography addiction. After listening to her about why this channel were there, she finished saying, that she will not change her life style for my husband. I wasn't talking about her lifestyle; I was talking about supporting his son.
This particular event makes me worry about my daughters (12 and 14) whom sometimes expend nights there... I just worry about it and try to make as much excuse possible to not let them to visit them. Now, you can say kids learn a lot at school with friends, Internet, movies, etc. and that’s true. Nevertheless, I have a strong believe that if adults in the family keep a proper behavior, it will help them to develop a sense of security at home. Kids are going to try and make mistakes, but it is important to have a safe place were they can find themselves back.

One day we were visiting my husband’s endocrinologist, who also has ADHD. He said that for him was really hard medicine school, and he was aware that he had to make 10 times more effort than his classmates to have good grades and he did. He wanted to be a doctor and he knew what to do. Now, the question is: Are women aware of the huge responsibility of being a mother? Is it possible to have ADHD and be a descent mother? At least, the kind of mother able to protect their kids from episodes like my husband and brother-in-law and sister went trough?

My mother-in-law never work, it wasn't necessary her income in the family, and my father-in-law became the most dangerous enabler for his own family.

I think it is hard to be a mother but it must be double hard to be a mother with ADHD/ADD, and the risks to take are to expensive, and the affects can last for ever in the kid’s life, and affect (like any other experiences in life) generations.

I do not know what an ADD mother have to do to success as a mother, but prescription and cognitive therapy will help, along with reading good books about the topic, pray and find joy in the efforts they do to improve. The way to go is long, so we cannot get tired.

I'm happy to say that my bf and I have had a wonderful week together.  This doesn't sound like a huge feat, but trust me it is.  We usually can't go more than two days without getting in an argument where hurtful things are said.  We have been taking care of each other, snuggling, working together, and saying nice things to each other this whole week.  It makes me feel very close to him and reminds me of why we are still together.  I know we really love each other and both want to make things work.  The test will be tonight.  We are going out with my family and they are surprising me with something for my birthday that is coming up.  I know there will be a few cocktails consumed and that is when we usually fall apart.  Wish me luck!!