Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • ADHD Inability to See Outcome Coming from Actions? by: kit_kat_lover 12 years 7 months ago

    So I met up with my exBFw/ADHD this past weekend after not seeing him for four months (there was an occasional text but nothing meaningful).   Truthfully it was a nice meeting and we were both able to see some changes in each other.  Now I have known that he was spending time with his best friends ex wife and i knew it was probably more than that.  Well, he confirmed it.  I discussed this with him for a while and basically asking him a few questions I KNOW he didn't think of because of his ADHD (diagnosed and unmedicated).  For instance, do you realize that even though your best friend is supposedly okay with this, your relationship is forever changed - no more trips with him (because he will not want to be with his ex-wife), no more confiding in him about your girl trouble (because it will be his ex-wife) and so on.   Do you realize that when a breakup with this woman occurs that she lives across the street and now you will have forever hurt your relationship with your best friend and you will have an ex living across the street?  Do you realize that you know the "real" her if you think back to her actions (that you didn't like) over the last 20 years ?  Do you realize that you are messing with your relationship that you've always had with her adult son?   Basically his answers were - its hard to see it that way.   This is classic rebound stuff (for both of them) as he really didn't care for this woman as a person before.   He told me she new he was meeting with me and said "well just tell me if you are going to start dating her again".   I was like, wow - doesn't that tell you something?  If I were in her shoes and I really cared for you, i'd be fighting for you, not giving some stock want to be heard answer.  I know this is all kind of off-kilter, but to bring it back around.... Is this classic ADHD inability to see an impending outcome from current choices/actions?  Now and Not Now timing?

    I'm still really crazy about his man and he knows it, but he also saw how well I was doing, taking care of myself, getting new hobbies.  Somebody told me something at work yesterday - they said...Kit - put away your cape.  I know they are right, but i am secretly hopeful that I really upset his apple cart.

     

    -K

  • My car!! Where is my car??? by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 7 months ago

    Today I found out that my car is only missing the transmission oil for it to be ready for me,his friend from in his work came to my business place to wait for him this morning and told me that,Ha!!! I thought he told me last time that the car needed a next part in the transmission that he forgot to put in, and that he had to drop the box again and I may have to wait a next couple of weeks for it,And all this time the car is almost finished and he is procrastinating it,What the hell is he doing??? I am suffering for it !!!my hands hurts me with the grocery bags!! I run a food business and he is not making my work any easier by playing up in my head like how his head is playing him! I am sooo frustrated right now!! urggg!!! lies lies lies,I am an independent woman and he hates that,so he uses the car to beat me up imagine that "my own car"

  • If you have ADD, I have a few comparison questions please by: Aspen 12 years 7 months ago

    Ok many of you here know we are almost 5 years post-diagnosis with a very happy solid marriage.  We definitely have ADD impacts, but patience on both our parts as well as regular work, meds for my ADD-I husband, and coaching have made our challenges no worse than any other couple trying to navigate life when one is from Mars and one is from Venus....at least my assumption is that our issues are roughly the same based on what my friends complain about in their husbands :)

     

    Trying to figure out if something is ADD related or not.  My husband and I discuss how something needs to be done.....for example (definitely not the most important example of this but it works for demonstration purposes) we have 2 small decorative shelves in our bathroom for all the detrius needed to get ready in the bathroom in the morning. His shaving cream, deoderant, hair gel, etc all go in one section and mine in another.  We have a large double sink and if things aren't put back, things start to look messy in a HURRY.  My husband usually fails to notice mess, so the goal is just to have the habit of putting stuff back on his shelf after using it.

    He'll do well for a while, then he'll do crappy for a while and he doesn't seem to get himself back on track once things start to slide.  Please understand I KNOW that things slide for everyone and that we'll all have mornings when things don't go back.  My things never are off their shelf for more than a couple hours because we are in that bathroom many times through the day and if things get left down, I see them and put them up......not so much him.  So eventually when I get tired of dealing with the mess, or I get tired of putting his stuff back, I mention that the counter has been getting a little messy, and I will almost ALWAYS get a response similar to.....

    "Hey I put my stuff back sometimes!"  Umm firstly, WTH??! since no one said you didn't, and secondly (and really my biggest issue) when did sometimes become the standard that we were going for?

    Maybe it is "Hon, I have done the dishes every day for weeks, I think you need to refocus on helping in that area"  Response "I am pretty sure I did them a week ago Sunday"   Again firstly, whether you did or not, 'weeks' is still a correct term and what you did is no where near our deal as far as dishes and stuff.  And secondly, once in 2 weeks is NOT our agreement, so why are you acting like it is?!?!

    Do I ever slip up and say, "you never do the dishes lately"  Sure I do, but honestly a good response to that is not "I did them 2 weeks ago"  I mean that is kinda proving my point, right?

    If I say, he has been a really poor communicator and I'd like to work on our communication skills, I will often get a response like "I am better than most of our friends' husbands"  UMMM?!??!  #1--How would you know that since you are not there communicating with them.  And #2--based on my knowledge of what my friends say, he is probably right, BUT that is not the standard of our communication goals.  Sometimes it sounds to me like he is saying "I am not the worst communicator on earth.....or among our circle of friends.....so why would you complain about me?"  If I am angry at him, I will get the "I am a much better husband than a lot of husbands"--this is the one that sent me over the edge the other day.  You live in no one else's house, so how can you judge what kinda husband they are?  Again I think he is probably right........based on my reading he is better than many, many ADD-I husbands and I give him props for that,

    But again it is sounding like he feels as long as he isn't the WORST husband, there should be no complaints.

     

    So here is my question, when you are comparing your standard of doing things with what you imagine to be acceptable amounts, what is the standard in your head?

    I get so frustrated with this logic that I sat him down and had a convo about it.......I am not sure he understood me.   I was VERY choosey about what man I picked to marry because I LOVED my life as a single person.  When he was trying to get me to go out with him (and risk our friendship) I actually told him flat out that he'd have to be pretty great to compete with how much I loved being single.  My standard was high.  Of course he is better than many husbands, if I wanted a lousy husband, that option is out there for people, you know?

    I told him the standard for comparision should only be, is our life together better than the sum of its parts........if it isn't better than the lives we had single, then we need to fix things in my mind, but when I said this to him, he was like "I guess" but he couldn't/wouldn't clarify the confusion......and believe me we know when "i guess" really means "I do not agree but do not want to talk about this any more."

    I am an admitted perfectionist and I am working on it.  But to me the obvious goal as far as putting your things back where they go would be 100% of the time, so if it was pointed out to me or I noticed on my own that my stuff was in the way, it is a quick "OOPS" and put it back. I would never defend that "sometimes" I do it right..........like DUH don't  we all?

    My communication goal is to understand my husband and be understood by him, whenever that isn't happening, I would like to fix it and I couldn't care less if someone else is worse than we are....I ONLY CARE ABOUT US.  My goal as a wife is to be the best wife to ERIC that I can be. I want feedback from him so that I am not directing my efforts in ways he doesn't care about while ignoring what he does care about.  I give him that same feedback and I couldn't care less what kind of husband anyone else's husband is when it comes to our convos about it.

    Does this make any sense?  Any insight into his thought process?

     

  • Scanning the horizon to build up his stimulation, by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 7 months ago

    Besides building communication progress with my DH, and on DH behalf trying to make progress,I still find him scanning the horizon to make us fight,he would come home by me on mornings before going to work to get his breakfast,(I run my business from home), and then leave with a good morning kiss and the days well wishes,but,before doing this he would scan the whole horizon by my work site to see what's undone, like the floor might need sweeping at the time or the yard or anything he could scan to build up an argument with me,to stimulate him,I read about this so it really don't bother me as much as before seeing I know now what is the difference in his thinking,actions,and deeds.(Mind over matter).

    He has been doing this ever since he left my home and got his own apartment,I would say that I find that to be sooooo!!! "BOLD FACE"( is he really a man?????? ),,,"NO!!!!!",,, "not at all", men don't do that,in fact a man would help his wife when things are undone or needs doing at the time,but I understand that,that is his ADHD and all the rest of his underlying problem,I feel so sorry for him and I love him for real, and I wish he don't have to do these things to feel some sort of relief that would result(stimulation) in more"depression's"in the long haul,I have been talking to him a lot about ADHD and reading to him on the weekends but,only then and there he would understand it and then two hours later he would forget all i read,saying to him over and over again he needs to go and get help by the professionals with a fast paste to have his ADHD under some sort of level control.Well so far he has been making lots of excuses,well that's left to be seen after his projects is completed then I would really know how for real he is.

    Another thing that has been going on for the past length of our marriage is that he wants me to keep "NO" personal contact with his Mother,children mother's,etc,etc no contact with any member of his family that might tell me what he did to them in the past that might cause me to figure out who he was or what he did and he was afraid that he would get"caught"of, "all"his wrong doings,LOL,I know them all when I found out his real problem doing my researches,I still would not have left him even though I found out b/c once he is not a murderer I have nothing to be that fearful about,I believe that the past is the past and that is not"our"future with his ex's and clearly my only past concerns for him is the child abuse and ADHD from childhood thru adulthood that's it! but,he is very wrong to keep me away from his Mother,my mother-in-law I don't like that at all,even though things are not going good with us and I should really try and fix what I have with him before building a next relationship with anyone else,to take across a baked bread and have some tea with her would be nice,but he has not allowed such so far, and that upsets me.

    His son would try to contact me through face book and that would upset him also,but,I understand and to tell you the truth the kid is not really bothering me or the mother,is my own free will I want back from him, to do the thing I love best and just socialize,I love him and if he has a son that can talk to me thru face book I find nothing wrong with that.I am being taken away from my own free will to do even the not wrong thing!!!

    MADNESS YES boy just pure stupid madness.fedup!!!

    lovehurts.

     

  • Thank You Melissa by: jennalemon 12 years 7 months ago

    Finding this site and getting acquainted with ADD these last few months, has been cathartic for me.  I have been married for 35 years and have been working hard to "fix" something in myself not knowing what it was.  Blaming myself for being unlovable, stupid, too weak, too strong, nuts.  I want to scream in frustration. But with this site I learn that I am not alone.  I am not unlovable, stupid, too weak, too strong or nuts.  And this site gives me a place to go with my fears, anger and frustration.  It gives us a mirror to see ourselves in other people's stories.  It gives us clues to what is going on in our ADD spouses mind.  Please keep this site going for a long time.  I am guessing a person needs to be here for a while until they have told all their stories enough times and get it out of our system.  Having a place to go to vent my frustrations right now is helping me immensely.  I am finding some clarity and working on acceptance.  I may have to vent for a while yet.

  • at my wit's end! by: amonty1026 12 years 7 months ago
    My husband was just diagnosed with ADHD but has not yet started meds. We've been together four years, married not quite a year. In the beginning of our relationship he was helpful (to a degree). For his birthday I bought him a motorcycle. Now all he does is work on that. He completely blows me off and every time I mention his lack of attention (which was a problem before) he says I'm jealous of the bike. We are currently doing a lil mini home project-stripping and restaining all the baseboards and doors of our house-and by we I mean me. I can't begin to count the number of times I've talked to him about helping and how itd show he cares and yet he's spent no more than 20 minutes on it. I probably wouldn't be so mad if he hadn't agreed to help before we started AND I hadn't gotten into a minor car accident that left me unable to do it for a week. My question is is this typical for someone with ADHD or is he just being a jerk? If its ADHD, is there any way to motivate him to help? I'm new to all of this and we are seeing a therapist to help with his depression and adhd. But I feel like a once a week appointment isn't enough to keep me from blowing a gasket.
  • He is making progress, by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 7 months ago

    He is making some sort of progress,all the while I was thinking divorce,now I am thinking support on his behalf ,and I have been considering his disorder to heart, that I feel the need to stay and work this through with him,but,it get's so tough sometimes that I don't even know if it would work.I am trying with him and he has been trying with himself,I could see where he is building a little empathy for me and a bit more "sensitive" to my feelings.He still have sooo much work on his behalf,taking into consideration he is also very "depressed" and full of hatred from his overdue past resentment of un treated ADHD,self medicating pills,that have little to none progress,b/s it's clearly not the right medication,but,he has been trying,we had a wonderful weekend and no arguments and we shared the chores around the house,while I washed and cleaned,he cooked,and we were happy with the little we cooperated with thus far.He has agreed to meds and therapy,but so far I have been seeing a change in behavior.Hopefully he would keep it up!

    thank god

    lovehurts.

  • My ADHD husband says he will sue me if... by: DesperateSoul 12 years 7 months ago

    My husband who was diagnosed but is in denial is threatening me that he will sue me if I tell people in his job field that he has ADHD, for harming his reputation after we get divorced. Basically i cannot even vent to anyone that i know about why we ended up with divorce, when i am suffering to death with the harm from his illness? I really feel like dying. 

  • Is There Time for this Marriage to be Saved? by: PoisonIvy 12 years 7 months ago

     

     

  • Mornings by: kzookitten 12 years 7 months ago

    What the hell is up with mornings? Am I just a crazy person or is this an ADHD thing? My husband is useless in the morning. Absolutely useless. We are good most of the rest of the day... but mornings are awful. We have a two year old that needs to get ready in the morning and needs to be dressed, fed, and attended to. We have a cat that is annoying as hell until she gets fed. And I swear to God, I am the only one who ever gets up. He just lays there. And if I am sick and can't get up (like this weekend) God forbid our daughter wakes up before he is ready. He gets mad at her and makes her go back to bed... even though its the time we have to wake up the rest of the week anyway. I get so angry with him when he does this. To me, as a parent, when your kid wakes up - you have to get up. You just have to. Its part of the job. So then we have our daily "why won't you get up?" fight where he says he is getting up... while lying in bed... with his eyes closed. He finally puts his robe on (which he will live in if there isn't something forcing him to get dressed, like school or something involving leaving the house) and then gets the computer on the couch and starts watching cartoons. Still not paying attention to our daughter. So, while I am scrambling to get ready for work. He is, grudgingly, sitting on the couch... not doing anything. I am just ready to lose it with this morning situation. It always leads to fights and the magnitude of the fight sets the tone for the day. I have to beg him to watch our daughter and feed the cat. And rather than feed the cat he just yells at her like thats somehow going to make her stop yowling. The only thing that makes the cat stop is feeding her. And because he also has the lovely oppositional defiance disorder bullshit I get 100% combatted, regardless of whether he intends to do something or not. I am at the point where I don't even like bringing things up anymore. I would rather just take care of everything than deal with the verbal combatives training. These things are all annoying with out ADHD, so dealing with him yelling or whining about me telling him to help in the morning is just one more layer of frustration. 

    Its the one thing I can't find a million websites with helpful advice. No one seems to be talking about this rocky morning situation. Is it seriously too much to ask that he get up with our daughter? I find it particularly frustrating with our daughter because on top of all of this, she has begun STRONGLY preferring me. She pulls on my shirt. Cries when I leave. Cries if I don't put her to bed. She only ever wants to ride in my car anymore. She only comes to my side of the bed in the morning. She crawls in bed in the middle of the night when I am sleeping sometimes. All of which end up making me exhausted when I then have to wake up and take care of her and then go to work. His knee jerk anger with the situation frightens me too. He gets SO angry when she is crying and awake when he is tired. He doesn't do anything but yell or get plain frustrated but it bothers me immensely. And I know that toddlers just have a tendency to favor their mothers, so there's not much for that... but I just want the mornings to be better.

    Its the first thing we talked about with his counselor when he started therapy and it still hasn't been resolved. It sucks too because one of the ideas the counselor had was to have a 'kicker' of meds at night that were lower dose and quicker acting. And of course that was when that particular drug faced a national shortage. So we still haven't been able to try that strategy. I will say also, that it was better when we were carpooling. But we aren't going to be carpooling every day. So we still need strategies so my weekend isn't used up taking care of our house because he thinks he is the only one entitled to sleep in. (And yes, I know thats not how he is thinking of it... its just how it feels to me.) 

    Anyway, any help or suggestions would be much appreciated.

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