Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • will he always take me for granted? by: annewug 12 years 7 months ago

    I'm dating a guy with ADHD and since we don't live together and aren't married, a lot of common problems don't affect us. But I do feel taken for granted. I feel like I had his interest in the beginning, and then I lost it, and now I only get it back when he hasn't seen me in a couple weeks and misses me. So when I don't have his interest, I'm low on his list. He agonizes over canceling plans with people who honestly probably don't care, but when he cancels romantic plans with me at the last minute he doesn't even feel the need to say he's sorry. I ask him to reschedule and he says he will but never does, and obviously there are no romantic gestures just for the heck of it. He fills our time together with work or TV, like I'm too boring by myself. He only compliments me on how I look or how our sex was. I'm confident that he's not just using me for sex, but sex gets his attention, and I don't think I do, anymore.

    Some friends tell me I should tell him that he risks losing me if he doesn't put some effort into our relationship. But even if I didn't think ultimatums are a bad idea, even if it worked, it would be temporary. He'd attend to me while he was worried about me leaving, and then he'd start worrying about work again and we'd be back here. Thinking that through made me realize that it looks to me like this is just how it's going to be with him. Is that true? Is it the natural state of an ADHD partner to bored with you in between shake-ups that grab their attention? What does it take for him to care about me every day?

  • Communicating About Money by: dazedandconfused 12 years 7 months ago

    How do you non-ADD spouses communicate with your ADD spouses about money?

    For me and my ADD hubby, it's been one fight after another. When we were dating, he was employed full time, and seemed to be OK with managing his money. I think the fact that he had a surplus was the key. There was enough to eat out most every night and still pay the bills, albeit late since he never had the patience to sit on the phone to make the payment (or the memory to put the bills in the mail). That was before he was diagnosed.

    Since we were married, he's been chronically unemployed or underemployed. I have gotten very little help from him. When he's been employed full time, he would tell me that he was getting paid one thing, and I would ask for contributions based on that number, only to find out that he got paid more. I used to think he was spending money on "bad" things, now I just know that he's oblivious to what he spends. 

    He's very underemployed right now...making about $150 a week on odd jobs. Since he's moved back in, it's been an issue. He doesn't give me any help and I struggle to pay all of the bills and buy food for us both on my pay. He keeps telling me that he will give me money but it never materializes. His only bill right now is his cell phone and gas money to get to work. He seems to be doing OK with the gas money but the cell phone bill never gets paid and when they threaten to turn it off, he comes running to me, looking for the money. I don't have it! 

    We finally established an emergency fund with a portion of our tax refund and I don't want to touch it. But recently, his cell phone kicked the bucket and although he has insurance on it, the company won't replace or repair it until he pays the $100 deductible. He says if he does that, then he won't have the money to pay the monthly bill. So he comes up with the idea to take $300 from the emergency fund and he'll buy a used phone from a friend and then pay $150 to buy me a phone on his plan (we've been meaning to do this for a while). Honestly, I don't want to go onto his plan because then I'll be in danger of having my service cut off due to his non-payment. I will eventually, but not right now. Nor do I want to take money from the emergency fund. I think the money is going to pay for his overdue bill as well because he doesn't have it. He says we'll pay the money back (we'll=me) but I have little faith that will happen. He's never kept his promises on paying me back before. Money is always tight and we desperately need to be saving since we're heading down the foreclosure track on our former home. No one is going to touch me now credit wise and I was the one who always got the loans/credit cards/accounts because my credit was good. Not so anymore. But he doesn't understand that. He tells me that he can spend $60 in three days on eating out and energy drinks "if he's not careful." This is not acceptable...not when money is always tight. And yet, I can't get him to see that. Instead, I get backed into a corner and made to feel like a bad person because I won't help him. This couldn't come at a worse time--he has a job interview this afternoon and every part of me wanting to fight him down on this one, but I didn't want to upset him either. Not to mention that I'm currently dealing with a very, very dear and cherished family member who is dying from cancer. I'm an emotional wreck without adding this to the flames.

    So any tips on dealing with money? ADDers are welcome to weigh in on how they manage to manage their money. I feel like there's nothing I can do. I won't go through his wallet and pockets looking for money nor can I compel him to give it to me. He's knows that I need it and yet he doesn't make it a priority. I want to say that things will get better once he has steady work again, but I think I may be foolish to believe that. He's never been big about depositing his checks into a joint account nor do I want to give him access to one because he's proven in past that he can't manage his own bank account much less once that shared by us both. It's a Catch 22.

  • "baggage" by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 7 months ago

    I am building communication skills with DH,Tonight our discussion was based on his past hurt from childhood thru adulthood,and so far it's all been a huge resentful,hurtful past on his behalf,from cheating mother versus step father slash step brother/step sister,his life have been really tough,bad,hurtful and painful, through the books I have been reading and the forums and blogs here my education level on ADHD as been going good, and well understood,but,I am still learning.

    It has been so much pain for him and as far as I see ,,plenty of it have a lot to do with the child abuse he faced from his mother,she was not as the loving,safe at home provider mom we are all accustom to,,, he claims her to be very "strict/militant" in his upbringing, and the stories he told me I felt to literally"VOMIT" my stomach hurts and my eyes was full with tears.I felt pure sorrowful and hurt for him.Well the topic went on and on and I realized that he needs a lot of counseling/therapy for his past resentment/anger and "NOW" I am beginning to realize that not only his ADHD is affecting us presently, but the "BAGGAGE" from his past hurt/relationships he is bringing in to our marriage.

    Tonight he has made me to understand how the life in which he lived was based upon his mothers wishes,she never wanted him here at our state, so she made him reside at a different state,to protect her cheating identity,the child was born out of cheating/ wedlock,"my DH" is the victim,how wicked and cruel she was and caused my DH pain and suffering so bad that he could not even control his bad temperament"today in the present or in the past",based on the horrible child abuse,she would beat him with a hose in the yard, also the step father,the siblings never was beaten so badly from what he told me, she would put soap his eyes in the bath tub so he would go to bed,He have ADHD on the "hyperactivity side" so of course he could not stay still,he was always on the go go, and many more things which I am not prepare to write about "to hurtful",and when he reached the age of 17 she ran him out the country to go and survive his school /tuition on his own with no family around,little money to survive and begging a lodging everywhere, and now I am beginning to realize this man is a very hurt man no wonder his ADHD is full of so much anger and resentment and his trust maybe in me is "this bad" that he can't even trust his own wife,and the insecurities are so intense that he always accuses me of "stupid" childish things.

    He never endured a mothers warmth and loving care and that's maybe why he so craves it from me "all the time".I am always at his attention when he needs me, and if I slip up and for some reason full with my own motherly duties from my own kids,so I can't be his mother b/c clearly I am not and don't wish to be, then pressure for me no doubt,he craves some kind of special attention from me.I love him and I have no reason to love him any less other than his ADHD affecting our marriage and daily living ,and now the ADHD is not the only underlying problem,he has to be treated for depressions,anger and ADHD.There is many things that is wrong with him from childhood thru adulthood and than having ADHD on top of all that is not good, not good at all,I feel more sorry than love for him right now.

    I would do what I could to help him, but,I have to save myself from this first,I don't want to get affected by all of this in the long haul,I have to be careful not to let my kids be affected by all of this in the process,and this hurts me to say this,but, I can't live with him until he has overcome this past "baggage"/hurt/resentment/anger/depressions that he has intensely endured.He has to get help soon!very soon!

    lovehurts.

  • Fiance Never Satisfied With Job by: Meli-Melo 12 years 7 months ago

    Hello,

    I am new to the forum, and have found many of the postings very enlightening.  My fiance has recently been diagnosed with ADHD.  I suspected it ever since I first met him, because he had a lot of traits that reminded me of my sister, who also had ADD.

    My fiance copes fairly well, for the most part.  The thing that drives me CRAZY, though, is his lack-of-satisfaction with his job.  His current one, and every other job he's ever had!  He's been working in IT for about 10 years now.  In the 3.5 years we've been together, he's had at least 5 jobs...none of which he's been satisfied with.  There's always something.  Either it's that someone at his company 'has it out for him', or there's no chance for advancement, or the atmosphere is sterile...His current position he's not pleased with because he was reprimanded for using the internet at work, though the person reprimanding him uses it frequently.  I really try to be sympathetic, but it's so tough.  I just keep thinking, suck it up!!  Most people aren't in love with their jobs...I guess I just think he has unrealistic expectations.

    Any advice?  Do you think he's just in the wrong field?  Or, would some counselling help?  Or, is it me who's wrong? 

    He was taking biphenton, but doesn't really feel it's helping.  I am trying to help him find a psychiatrist; he basically 'fired' his last one, because she was late for an appointment.

    Thank you so much for reading this, and any help you can give me!!

    -Mel

  • Back to therapy... I don't know if that's good or bad?? by: peacelove 12 years 7 months ago

    Well after a year of 'calm' and the most peaceful quiet and 'normal' years in our relationship it feels like it's all starting to slip backward again and I am getting nervous and anxious about what's to come. My husband has been diagnosed with adhd and a mood disorder? and some form of PTSD. We haven't been told he's bipolar but his sister is and I don't know if his extremes are that intense or not to say that's the case. 

    His previous therapist which he only went to when our new marriage was on the brink of being destroyed, credited his 'issues' to his very unstable childhood. He was virtually homeless his entire life and grew up in chaos, his family members all have trouble controlling their tempers and moods. He's been around them more lately and I sware it's made him start to go backward. He grew up in rented rooms, sometimes in a trailer or truck, he never had a home,attended more than 40 schools, barely got a GED and as a teen/adult has had over 50 jobs. Partially from not being able to get along with people, stay on task and just stick with it. He finally found something he was at for 3 years, longest job every held, and he liked it, but unfortunately they didn't like him and after a while the conflict lost him the job. He was destroyed by it and it nearly broke us. He has a love him or can't stand him personality, which makes our social life as a couple difficult. He is very chatty and most times has no filter, which is so hard for me. We are essentially opposites extrovert and introvert.  But at the same time his personality is the best thing about him. He would give anyone the shirt off his back, he's the guy who calls and checks in with people just to say hi and see how they are doing. He can spark up conversation with a peer or an elderly person. He's great with kids and really is a caring person. And  so his sense of humor, loudness and sometimes overly friendliness has been his crutch to help him survive in the unstable environments. it's what people remember and like about him, problem is that it's also cost him friendships and causes us problems when interacting with each others friends/family. Sometimes he just doesn't shut his mouth and it turns some people off sometimes and frankly embarasses me too. 

    After a breakdown about 3 years ago finally we got him into therapy and on some meds. It stirred up everything negative in his life and was the hardest time we've had so far. He stopped talking to his family which was a good thing, he had to deal with the things they did that affected him. But his mother was able to weasel her way in with guilt and the rest of them followed, now they speak daily and feed off each others drama and overr eations. Currently I know he's feeling negative feelings about his biological father, who doesn't care to have a relationship with him and he's doing unreasonable things, like sending his dad copies of our mounting medical bills from his heart condition. He says hes doing it in hopes that he'll help us out. That is not realistic, isn't gonna happen and is just some crazy mind game he's doing to release some sort of negative feelings. Why is he torturing himself??? This is a behavior that 6 months ago he would not have done. He was all about being a better man than his father, showing him he doesn't need him etc. Now he's playing some strange game that's putting him in an awful place mentally. I hate to seem him be like this.

    He was able to get social security to help us since keeping a job has been such a struggle. And we moved out of town and started fresh. He seemed to be doing so much better, was off 2 meds that didn't seem to help much with the impluse control as they were supposed to and his self esteem was higher than ever, our relationship improved dramatically, he stopped self medicating with marijuana as he had done for years. We found out he has a heart condition most likely due to too much recreational drug use(which he admits doing to 'escape his horrible life') and so that brought him down more than a few notches. He felt stupid for damaging his body, and more often now he's overly dramatic about everything, saying he won't be here long so what does it matter. Those awful extremes are rearing their ugly head again and I feel like he's slipping back into feeling out of control and chaotic. He's started on zoloft along with the cardiac meds so I don't know if that's causing it or if its all the anxiety of his condition, or his horribly dysfunctional family being back in the picture???? I am feeling grateful that we caught his heart condition and was feeling so happy and relieved but I can't live with a 32yr old who is settling into a depressed life of a crabby 80yr old man. I feel like all the work we had done, he had done, is slowly becoming undone and I am scared and sad. The tiptoeing and carefulness I do is starting to appear again. The other day he said he wanted to go to therapy again, I was glad I guess that he suggested it but sad that we are seeming to be going backward. We have no kids yet and the thought of waiting longer and longer until he's 'okay' makes me a whole other kind of sad.

  • DH comes home tomorrow after being out of town for 6 days by: mommachef 12 years 7 months ago

    My DH (ADHD spouse) has been out of town since Weds night.  I am a SAHM so I do appreciate him being the breadwinner, dealing with the boys when I ask so I can have a break, and things like that. But I must admit, it has been VERY nice to have a break from the crazy-train. No parenting inconsistencies, no broken promises, no communication roadblocks, no judgement (oh, he judges my parenting so much!), no one cramping my style so to speak. It's been very calm and enjoyable. The boys have been wonderful, especially my 8 yo. We have (had?) kind of a rocky relationship going the past few months, but he has been GREAT while DH has been gone. He's been respectful, affectionate, helpful. It's been very encouraging.

    DH has called but I haven't really wanted to talk to him. He told me and texted that he misses me, but honestly I do not miss him.

    He comes home tomorrow so I'm bracing for impact. Should I be honest and tell him that I enjoyed the break? I know he's going to ask how we were while he was gone--do I tell him things were better without him here? If I tell him bluntly he will explode and it will be come a huge issue.  But this could be an opportunity for a frank and honest discussion. 

    It sure has been eye opening....

    ~ deb

  • Afraid? by: jennalemon 12 years 7 months ago

    There is some fear in leaving my ADHD husband.  He seems to live in the present with no regrets, no worries for the future, he lies to cover up things or to keep me uninformed of his activities/non-activity, and he has a distorted vision of what he does and what he says.  Things don't make sense.  Sometimes even within one sentence he contradicts himself and sees no wrong in what he says.  Now I realize I have been manipulated from the very beginning but I always WANTED to believe him and believe in him.  He on the other hand is not as invested in relating or taking responsibility for any failure.  I can't put words to my fear.  He sabotages me all the time like a game. He has all sorts of old un-paid bills for his business. He did not pay the telephone bill for his business for so long they stopped service and he lied about that and now says it is no big deal - he will make a deal with thek telephone bill collector.   Am I supposed to go over his business accounting for him so that I do not find myself bankrupt?   I am not afraid of living on my own or doing the work but I AM afraid of the LEAVING.  Is there a reason anyone might guess why after 35 years of putting up with disappointment and betrayal, I am afraid to leave?  There seems to be some psychological hold he has on me. When I think of leaving, I get sick to my stomach.  When I think of staying I get sick to my stomach.  What is going on?  I want this to be over so bad.  I need help to leave.

  • Are these traits common in relationship with ADHD?? by: KYLEEJO25 12 years 7 months ago

    I have been with my boyfriend for a little over two years.  He has 3 kids and I have 2 kids and we have one son together.  We live together and split custody with our ex's.  We have a rollercoaster relationship.  We get a long great at times and we both feel so close to each other and very happy.  Then he says or does something very hurtful and we go down-hill for however long it takes us to reconnect. He is very sarcastic and likes to say things to get a rise out of me.  Sometimes I know when he is doing it, and other times the things he says are very hurtful and I'm not for sure if he means them or not.  His comments sometimes include ripping on me physically, or saying something about another girl, or anything else he can think of to mentally confuse me.  If I get hurt or upset by what he says, he says I should know him by now and know when he is joking and when he isn't.  For the first two years of our relationship he rarely worked.  The money he did make would go towards fun things like golf or fishing or drinking.  I paid all of the bills and took care of whatever we needed for the kids..presents, food, clothes, ect.  Now he is getting on his feet and works again.  He is a salesman.  He is very good with people and is also very handsome, so he is successful.  I am very proud of him for how hard he is working now.  I am do daycare at home, and also take care of our kids.  He seems to really like having me here at home.  He knows where I am and I can take care of everything here.  He doesn't like being at home much because of course his ADHD makes it hard for him to sit still for long and he likes to be doing things he enjoys.  He sometimes puts thoughts in my head about women hitting on him at appts, and his secretary being good looking and how he thinks she has a crush on him.  He tells me she is pretty, but that I have nothing to worry about.  I know that he was unfaithful to me early on in our relationship, but he has earned back "most" of the trust he lost.  The only thing is that his comments make me wonder, and I know that he needs a great deal of attention and needs to feel wanted.  It always makes me hurt and worry about what he may be doing or may do.  He is very good at lying, and I never really know if his hurtful comments that he swears he is joking about are true or made up.  Its hard to always have to be on alert and wondering.  I realize this is all part of trying to control me and my thoughts.  He doesn't want me to get a job, I believe its because he likes knowing I'm at home and that way he doesn't have to worry about me.  When it comes to our 9 mo. old son, he isn't much of a father to him.  He gives him a few hugs and kisses each day, but he doesn't take care of him really at all.  Its hard for me when his girls stay with us because I see how much he does do for them and how good he is at taking care of them.  His two year old daughter is everything to him.  He dotes over her and tells her constantly how much he loves her, how she's his buddy, how she's awesome, and on and on and on.  Its literally non-stop.  I wish I wasn't jealous, but I am.  I want to see and feel that closeness for his son that we have together.  I hope it comes as the baby gets older.  I know he loves him, but he just doesn't seem like he has connected with him yet.  He hasn't asked me to marry him yet, although he has said many times that he is going to.  My birthday is coming up in two weeks, and he has made mention of doing it then.  I want to be with him forever because I do love him very much, and as I mentioned, the good times we have together are very good, we have a lot in common, and we have a baby together.  I don't want to split up another family.  I know that if he doesn't ask me to marry him, I will feel let down and sad and wonder what is wrong with me and try harder to please him.  I feel like I try and try and try to be a good girlfriend, but its just never good enough.  As soon as I get upset with him and tell him how I feel about how he is acting, he gets very distant.  When we do argue, he gets very upset, swears, calls me names, sometimes if we are drinking it gets physical.  I don't back down, I have probably given him more bruises than he has me simply from trying to get him off of me.  Are these things that I'm describing typical of a relationship where there is ADHD or ADD involved?? 

  • Crossroads by: lostbutinlove 12 years 7 months ago

    I am coming up on a crossroads in my life.  I have a husband that loves me more than anything and I know that.  But in the midst of dealing with his issues relating to (non-diagnosed) ADHD and life in general I do not like what I have become.  I need space and time alone to find myself and get back to what I once was which will help our lives more than anything else.  The rub?  I know that a separation will destroy him.  Even if I explain that this is what we need to help our marriage survive he will see it as an end and give up.  So, once again, I am putting his needs before mine.  I am taking care of him and my family and letting myself fall to the wayside.  I am trying to devise a plan to stop this and to put the attitude of "taking care of myself will help everyone".  This is very difficult for me to do as I have always been the care giver to everyone.  The thought of hurting him is devastating to me but the thought of doing nothing is worse.  

    I am seeking advise.  Has anyone out there been in this situation (relationship is not abusive but simply dying on the vine) and come out the other side?  How did you start the conversation with your spouse?  How did he/she respond (I know that mine will fall into a depression)?  How do you convince them that this is what has to happen before everything (including me) falls completely apart?  I am terrified that I will be killing my marriage in the effort to fix it.  

     

  • Get it Finished by: jennalemon 12 years 7 months ago

    I am going to print this and let it lay around the house somewhere.  So DH will read it and think about the joy for getting something done.

    When you have to choose between getting it perfect and getting it finished, get it finished. Even when it’s inconvenient and uncomfortable, get it finished.Are there other things you’d rather be doing? Go ahead, finish what you’ve started, and then you can more fully enjoy moving on to those other things.Don’t waste your time wishing for it to be easier, or resenting that you must get it done. Stop fighting against your own effort, and put all your energy into getting the job finished.Give your perspective a positive boost with some effective, productive effort. Follow through on your intentions and commitments, and get it done.It was important enough for you to start, so go ahead and get it finished. Get it finished, and bring new value to your world.Accomplishment feels so much better than idleness, wishful thinking or resentment. Make the effort, tackle the challenges, get it finished, and enjoy some good, solid, fulfilling accomplishment along the way.

    From "The Daily Motivator" - Ralph Marston

Pages