I feel that my husband, who has ADHD but not admit it affects my life, is so clever that he manages to turn everything around and back to me. This makes me feel so hopeless and I don't really know whether I should worry about it or just do what I have done for seven years, just let go! and forget about it until the next stormy day.

An Example, yesterday I try talking to him about how he can go to our family Dr and tell them to get a proper diagnose for his ADHD and that the only treatment for it wasnt just rythalin (which he is not prepared to take) that just talking to the Dr may open some other options of getting better with it. But then He claimed to feel and be better and that he's sure his ADHD is so mild it may not even be there. Easy for him to say as he doesn't have to live with him! Five minutes after the conversation he turned around and said: Well honey everyone have issues you have quite a lot of issues from the way you were brought up that affect our present all the time so you should get that looked at!

Now how am I suppose to take this seriously when he's never brought it up before, only bringing it up on our conversation about himself is just a way of turning it all around to me. I know I have communication issues to solve and that's why I have asked him several times over to try Therapy with me because he's the only person I can't communicate well with... He has every single time dismissed it, said that will never talk to a stranger, that it wasn't necessary. The thing is he manages to turn things around to me every time I have a problem with him or with something he's doing or not doing! I feel that there would not be room for improvement if he never accepts any of the problems I am facing everyday!

What troubles me the most is that he talks and talks and talks about any subject for long and I listen to him out of consideration and respect but when I need him to listen to me, to be there for me emotionally he just says he "can't take this anymore". So longterm I wont be able to be happy in a relationship that doesn't give me the basic emotional support that I need. I am so not sure of the future of this relationship and he says I will love you forever, I will never leave you, I will always be there for you and our son. I think Yeah just as long as I don't open my mouth to talk, I say maybe he just need a blow up doll! Bad joke sorry. Seriously I am running out of options!

Any comments, advice, ideas are all very welcome

My spouse lies for everything possible you could think about"little" and "big" the little things tend to piss me off,right now I am pissed off! tell me why bother lying in the first place,is it AN ADHD trait? I guess so! I am very furious right now, I need a moment to recheck my memory about certain incidents, and figure out why this has to even be a circumstance beyond his control.I went to the " seafood outlet" to purchase shrimps to cook a meal for lunch, now now this has happened, and the lady said to me"oh how are you? your husband was in here Saturday telling me that you'll went on vacation overseas for the Easter weekend"WHAT!!!!!!!!??????? in my mind I was dare to say "no dearest he has ADHD and can't control his lying!!" but instead I was trying to protect the man I love and the image he carries I said to her"sure it was beautiful"now I am a liar! lying to cover his lying"stupid" I feel stupid right now! should I confront him about this? was he trying to be a Centre of attraction to this woman? making her feel he is a money man? why lie?and even if we were taking an overseas vacation who business is it of theirs?I asked her, "did he tell you where we was going" she said"oh no,but,why are you guys back so early" I was stunned!!! the poor woman thinks my husband is the charming"husband" lol.

Maybe I am really in the wrong relationship? coming to think of all this,I am very private in my way of life,and I hate third parties involve,I assure you if these forums won't private I wouldn't vent here.This is ridiculous,why lie for any reason,I lie only not to hurt someone like for instance,If I was to go somewhere but couldn't take DD with me I would lie only to not hurt her feelings,that's it! even though after I still would tell her b/c guilt start coming my way.He lied again just recently about something he purchased in the grocery,the price in which he claims he purchased it for, is way less than the price he stated,I saw the price at the grocery,he even lied about fixing my car and the price it cost him to fix it,maybe he is lying pertaining to money to make me feel he is what he is "NOT" I am no fool and apparently he thinks I am!This is starting bother me,I want to confront him but the timing is never right and of course he would go into denial!!!! this type of lying is not acceptable at all! yes one day he would lie about something that would put him in lots of trouble I am afraid,but maybe he needs a head slam to "stop" the lying.

lovehurts.

I got into a relationship with a wonderful woman almost 3 years ago.  It was amazing, she was my soulmate.  She was understanding, sweet, impulsive, up for anything, and I thought just beautiful.  It was a romance that could not be replicated.  The sex?  Forget it.  The best ever.  Never more connected with a person.  It was like that for about a year and a half when all of a sudden in the beginning of last year she got a new job and was learning how to become a personal trainer (not at all related to her job field, but something she wanted to do).

It then began.  She started traveling for her job and do training during the week when she was here and on weekends.  I didn't mind, I do enjoy my alone times and I play lots of sports.  4 months later I was frustrated.  She would come home from traveling exhausted.  Our long talks on the roof were no longer as she was too busy.  Lying in bed on the weekend mornings were no more.  So I finally said something.  She responded that her new job was hard and the training was a lot, but once she got used to the job, and so many hours of training done it will be better.  I agreed and continued on.

As the year went by I felt more and more alone, all the while still with her.  We've had these major talks in between, with her realizing she was not putting enough into the relationship, and said she would cut down and spend more time.  Her business slowed in the latter part of the year and I saw her more.  I thought this was good.  In reality, it was because we had tons of things to do so she would be constantly busy.

Then this year started, and she started traveling and working again.  Now when she works, the day may be over, but that is all her mind is on.  She is constantly checking that blackberry until 11 or 12 at night.  When we talk it's about work or her training.  That's it.  The sex has stopped.  Before, in the wonderful times, she was up for anything, anywhere.  Now, it's like I'm with a warm body who is more concerned with who can hear or the work she has to do.  I know I'm a guy, but I do have to feel connected for it to be enjoyable.  Since our talks are no more, there is no connection, and so I never want to.

This drove me to do some research.  I always knew she had ADD, and she does take medication for it, so I decided to see what the real impact of all this is.  After tons of reading (including the book recommended on here) I started telling her about it.  She is embarrassed that she has it, and never wants to use it as an excuse.  Therefore all she does it take meds.   This helps her focus on work, but they run out at night, and that's my exposure to her.  I've asked repeatedly for her to research with me so she could understand its affects and impact, and what she could do to help manage it.  If I bring it up she shuts me down.

This weekend, it went to hell in a handbasket.  We were hanging out with friends, and she joked (kind of) about getting a part time job at a clothing store to get a discount.  That just set me off.  Of course I held it together in front of people, but I stewed and stewed.  I don't even exist in her world anymore and she is joking (I think) about getting yet another job??!?  She takes me home at my request as opposed to hanging out and I unload.  Not mean, but I lay it out.  I say this is the last warning.  I am at my wits end, etc.  Well, as she drops me off, she tells me that this was the one weekend that we had together and that I was ruining it.  I responded exactly, the ONE weekend.  I need more than that.  In the end she had some very demeaning choice words for me.

I really don't have a question, I guess just a vent.  She has done a good job coping professionally with her ADHD as she is very successful, and she is a very clean person, but it is very lonely to be with her.  Her body is there next to me, but her mind is elsewhere.  I've read a lot of the misery that many people have with the ADHD significant others, and no matter how much I love her I cannot change her.  It's either accept her like this and that no matter what I will always be second to another project or job or whatever catches her eye, or she does more to do with this ADHD other than just taking a pill.  In times of frustration I tell her I want her back, meaning I want her back to when I met her.  I have to accept that will never happen again.

A CONSTANT struggle for me when having a discussion with my husband is to quickly just tell him "one more thing" or try/want to explain my position better so that he "gets it."

Example: we have an argument about something and I tell him I need to pause and "think about it." (A tool that I need because I can't process quickly). A few minutes later, he hears me typing away on my computer and says:

• HIM: "so does the fact that you're typing mean that you're done "thinking about it?"
• ME: "well, you'd say that because I have trouble multi-tasking and so if you hear me typing, then I'm obviously not thinking about the situation, but... " (he interrupts here, my "but" would have gone on to explain why it made sense that I was typing for "insert my reason du jour here.")

What he WANTS/EXPECTS is when he asks me why I am typing is for me to say something like "Oh, crap, I'm sorry, I told you I was going to follow up and then when you heard me typing, your reasonable conclusion was that I forgot, am blowing you off, don't care, etc."

What I DO SAY is, "well if you hadn't interrupted me I would have told you that I needed to set the issue aside for a moment to let my emotions cool down, at which time I would have appropriately considered things and then followed up appropriately, which is what I SHOULD have told you in the first place instead of just that I "needed a pause..."

So basically, my OVERRIDING, intense desire/emotion at the time is to NOT admit fault, but to tell him why what I did "made sense" if he had just let me continue.

He can be impatient, which is due in great part to huge cumulative frustration of me not responding honestly in these types of situations. That impatience feeds my fears, defensiveness, etc. and worsens my behavior, which makes him more impatient, which makes me worse, etc.

For me, I believe that the scenario above is part ADHD, part habit of not wanting to admit mistakes, part emotion. I have a huge struggle with the initial compulsion, and then "holding on" to my position/emotion even when it doesn't make sense to do so. I will often explode and say mean things, to which he of course responds coolly and rationally (e.g. "this is what you are doing and just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's not the truth") - WHICH IS TRUE BUT AT THE MOMENT IT POURS GASOLINE ON THE FIRE for me. At this point, things really escalate, or SOMETIMES I can bite my tongue and take a moment and let my anger/agitation diffuse.

Any Adhd'ers who understand what I am describing, who have found successful ways to cope with this "in the heat of the moment" response?

Any Adhd spouses who recognize the situation who have found successful things to do or say that don't let the Adhd spouse get away with the irrational behavior, but help it not to escalate?

I guess I feel very torn on what is the healthy boundary between the adhd'ers capabilities/responsibility and the adhd spouses' ability to recognize and help compensate that is a win/win for BOTH PEOPLE.