okay I have been doing a lot of researches and then I came up with my own strategy in dealing with the man I love soo very much "BUT" to not let his ADHD affect "me" mentally,physically,emotionally and so on, also,I really would like to use the terms "US" but really if you dig deeper in to the minds of an ADHD person "US" is never really there,just "you",firstly let me say this post is to help "both" ADHD and non- ADHD on this forum.

strategy:

1)continue to live one day "as they say",at a time (sweet Jesus),and never let your guard down.

2)be happy for the gift of life,and continue to pray and do good for people.

3)treat ADHD normal, but with a full mind to support ADHD spouse, and be very helpful if granted by ADHD spouse.

4)love ADHD like a flower, but once it's faded, "love that even more",with much work and effort, building a concrete structure.

5)forgive ADHD, and learn to rejoice in sorrowful times,finding comfort in one's self.

6)don't ignore ADHD, but rather ignore the plague of it,by finding back one's happiness.

7)when ADHD is around,build a fence around it,don't let it cage you in.

8)be happy for ADHD for the positive side of it.

9)be mindful all the time that ADHD is "two"sides and not always bad.

10)set up a focus structure"for when ADHD is on the bad side".

11)love your ADHD spouse,like he/she is no different,but with it in mind "only" to cope around rough edges.

12)learn to accept what ever "IS" expected or,"NOT"expected with ADHD.

13)forgive,love,cherish,rejoice and learn to love,no matter the pain.BE merciful.

I have been doing all this for the past week and I find my self very happy with my self,and there is nothing more important than one's happiness.Of course when our ADHD/non ADHD spouses see this type of behavior in action,results won't come right away, but eventually they would follow through,we as individuals "FIRST" have to set the "good" example and "only" good things could happen after that, and that's what we are "all" after, and no matter if the ADHD/non-ADHD marriage did not work out,we as individuals will be happy even though,and don't matter the consequences,we would be happy with one's self,,, finding back the peace of mind, before it could even get taken away.

god bless everyone of you in this forum,and I would like to give "SPECIAL"thanks to Mr's Melissa Orlov,if it wasn't for her book, my light would not have shine,thank you.

I don't know where to begin...Considering I have read many, many forums about having a significant other with ADHD, and believe me, mine has a severe case. Although he has not been diagnosed, his ADHD is tearing our relationship into shreds. 

Until recently, did I start to understand the full capacity and helpful hints, powered with knowledge how to maintain this relationship but he also understands that he does need help. He is a small business owner and we do not have medical coverage. He self medicates by using cocaine, adderall, drinking. Cocaine helps him the best. Does that sound CRAZY or what? I can't have a drug addict boyfriend! 

I am so confused. I am so sad. I don't know what else to do to try to turn around conflicts we have. For example today.. He called and asked me about a work related question.. I was out the door to take out the trash and I said, "Suuuuuure" He went bonkers on me on the phone. Literally started screaming, called me a few names, which I told him was one of my boundaries. He proceeded to come home, throw his clothes at me. I asked what was wrong. "Nothing" I could tell that it was going to hit the fan. He becomes very confrontational, easily. He proceeds to insult me more, and in my mind, egging me on for a full WW3 debate about how I had an attitude "suuuuure" and how I just couldn't admit that I was a bitch for saying that to him. Ugh. No attitude. No motivation intended to sound like I had an attitude. To boot, I had been helping him with his phone requests all day! No big deal. 

I thought by going into another room to avoid conflict, that would diffuse him. No. 

He randomly asked me if I wanted to take some sleeping/nerve medicine (not prescribed to either of us) and I said, "No thanks."

Within next 30 minutes or so, he was out the door. Gone. Wouldn't answer the phone. 

He still has not come home. It's almost 4 AM. I am very upset. I have no idea where he is. He is not answering my texts. I sent him a text telling him that in the AM we can start to talk about parting ways, and everything we need to do. Sit my son down and tell him...call my parents. 

This incident partnered with many, many others relating to his temper, yelling, name calling, childish behavior, controlling.... We have had a few physical incidents. We have had arguments that lasted hours long. 

There is no gray area. He is either HIGH or LOW. I feel like he hates me. I feel like there is nothing I can do right, and I also feel very alone. Like he doesn't see me. I usually am fairly independent and self reliable. My car was stolen a few months back. I basically quit my job because the stress and hours were affecting our relationship. I honestly have burned some bridges with my friends. I have no where to go. No way to get there and I feel like I have gone above and beyond what a woman can do for her man, the tolerance, the patience, the acceptance. 

Instead of spending money on illegal drugs, I want him to get help. Therapy and medicine. I am scared to ask him. I am scared to have that ultimatim. 

He has a wonderful heart. He is a good person with good core values and my son adores him. 

I have offered suggestions and ways he can try to control his temper, irrational behavior. Almost the ONLY time he is approachable, extremely loving and kind is when he is on cocaine. It actually calms him. It puts him in a place where he can communicate. 

HELP! Any advice is welcome. I am at the end of my rope. I have pushed my ego to the side so many times. I am feeling empty and feel like I am not enough. 

I don't know from day in and day out what it will bring. I often just agree when he is berating me. I agree when he is telling me something that I know is not correct. Having a conversation with him about our business is like a battle. We see things differently... it makes it hard. 

Barely hanging on...

How do I know my spouse has ADD or if he is just not that into me?

“Love does not exist, only demonstrations of love.”

Jean Cocteau

I have been going back and forth with myself about this topic for what feels like ages. Please bear with me through what may be an indirect way of getting at the issue: I love my DH and fell in love with him because of his extraordinarily "good" heart. It's this single factor that made me push through a lot of our downs, especially times when he inadvertently caused me great hurt and pain and frustration. When repeatedly trying to decide whether it was still worth it to continue, my heart always said "of course it's worth it--he's so good, he has such a good heart." But now, after years of this cycle, I'm asking myself to define what I consider to be "good." I guess I should pause here and say that I don't go around categorizing people as "good" or "bad"--I'm not really sure how I would even call someone bad b/c I've always been known to see the good in people, even when no one else does. I have certainly seen people do bad things, but I often think it's b/c of ignorance or lack of learned skills or desperation...so I guess I want to clarify here that I'm not asking anyone to comment on what makes someone "bad" b/c I don't think anyone can be called "bad" through and through. Everyone has some redeeming quality hidden somewhere inside (I think).

A good person, in my opinion, would be someone who: is honest, does not cheat or lie to get ahead at the expense of others; tries to be mindful/thoughtful/considerate, considers how their actions might affect others and uses that info when making decisions; tries to do no harm; is kind; is empathetic. Of course, a good person can make mistakes and make bad decisions..we're all still human, after all. But a good person tries to learn from experiences and aspires to be a better person.

So the tricky thing here is that these qualities can be seen only in a person's actions, you can't see a person's thoughts, so would it be accurate to say that a good person is someone who does good? I don't think so, b/c I think someone could do good things but for the wrong reasons (someone could make a large donation to a charity, but do so only for tax purposes...which, in my mind, wouldn't truly show goodness, even though good resulted from the action). Likewise, someone might not mean to cause hurt/pain, but if he/she does, then doesn't learn from the act and causes hurt/pain again, what then? Or someone might intend to volunteer at an animal shelter, but not get around to it. What do you call someone who has good intentions but can't translate that into good actions?

This is where I am--I have this feeling that my DH is a good person, but when I step back and look at his actions, they don't match my definition of a good person. My DH lies, a lot, mostly to cover up something he did or didn't do, and I assume it's usually b/c of embarrassment, but I can't see that--I can only see his act: in this case, lying. Or worse, he often lies to manipulate a situation to get what he wants (he'll lie about how long it will take to get somewhere he wants to go, or about how much something will cost...). It doesn't appear that he considers how his actions might affect anyone else--example: he went into work late yesterday b/c he was mad that he had to go in on a sunday, but he didn't consider that he had a crew waiting there for him, and they couldn't start until he got there, which meant they had to stay late...strikes me as pretty inconsiderate b/c they probably didn't want to work on sunday either.

This can all be applied to love, too (hence the opening Cocteau quote)--something else that has kept me holding on in this relationship. I stay partly b/c I know how much my DH loves me. But I can't see inside his heart--I can see only his actions, and his actions don't show me that he loves me. I'm not sure exactly what they show, but certainly not that I'm a priority in his life. And yet, when doing "nice" things for me came up in a recent discussion, he said "I do plenty of nice things for you," but couldn't name a single one (and his behavior hasn't changed--this didn't make him realize that maybe he should do nice things for me, or if it did, he's not showing it).

So what am I holding on to, then? Am I holding on to his good intentions, even though I still feel anger, resentment, hurt...all those things? To him being a good person, even though many would question that based on his actions alone?

I think all of this internal dialog feeds into my frustration--in addition to feeling frustration over my marriage, I'm frustrated with myself b/c it seems I cannot make up my mind. One day, I've decided that that's it, I've been unhappy for long enough, I've tried everything our counselors have asked us to try, I haven't seen him want to change anything and I'm tried of waiting for something that may never come. Then, there are days (like today), where I just love him too much to walk away, even though I can't quite explain why.

Anyone else in this spot? Or just want to weigh in on the intent/feeling vs. action issue? There's a lot of talk on these boards about the effects of an ADDer's actions or non-actions, as the case may be, as well as what was intended or not intended. How do you all navigate these waters?