Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • taking on to many work task,none is completed. by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 7 months ago

    My DH is the work work work freak,and I love that he says it builds his self esteem, but, he is taking on a little more than he thinks he could handle,he cannot even complete the first job that he started a month ago, got paid "big" already, and now he is on to the third one,I am the second of these 3 jobs he has going on and it's heavy,,, (and on top of that he is working at a company for someone else),,,.Meaning,he has dropped 2 car transmission's on the ground to fix,one of which is mines, and now just today he took on a next job without having finished the first two,and he is the only one doing these jobs with little to no help!,I need my car!!!he is taking tooo long to hand it back to me,and now the man who paid him already of which I'm sure wants his car too,and now a third man is going to have to wait.DH thinks that he could do do do all this in a little time b/c he is so distracted all the time and don't know how the clock works at all.I tried to explain to him that he could become a little too overwhelmed and he said to me nooo!!I could do it,I even explained that when he has all that work going on and task are not being completed it could put a hurting on our marriage,and sure enough it has.It has created more mood swings,more anger,more resentment and so on.I keep trying with him over and over again.He tends to get frustrated easily when something he is working on don't come out right and then he starts to feel pressure at failing at a task.Has anyone experienced this type of behavior with ADD spouse please share.

    lovehurts.

  • Three years of research, three years after my ADD diagnosis, three seconds to dismiss my thoughts... by: YYZ 12 years 7 months ago

    My diagnosis was almost 3 years ago at the age of 43. I have apologized for my actions, I always take my meds, I'm working on correcting poor coping skills, I read a lot about my condition, I post to learn more and hopefully help a few others along the way. My DD#1, recently diagnosed with ADD caught me by surprise, but it all made sense when I started putting all the pieces together. My wife has pretty much discounted ADD from the very beginning of my own diagnosis. She thinks there is ADD, but the symptoms are things everyone feels. My DD#1 started having severe depression issues 5 or 6 months ago and her psychologist suggested anti-depressants which they psychiatrist prescribed, but had little effect, then he changed her to Lexapro which made things far worse, he then added Abilafy, after I suggested that I thought she might be just like me with ADD, which seemed to improve things slightly. DD#1 did not like this guy, her psychologist flat out told my DD#1 and DW that there was "No Way" she had ADD and she just wanted to be skinny like her dad. WTF?!? REALLY... The psychologist referred us to a psychiatrist she really liked. After 3 meetings, he agreed with me about the ADD and put her on Vyvannse. DD#1 responded immediately for the better,just like I did.

    Sorry for the long setup to my topic, but it sets the stage.

    My DW and DD#1 seem to but heads and did today over a conversation about chores. We were discussing everything together and after my DD#1 went to her room, my DW and I continued the discussion. We pretty much agreed on the situation regarding the chores and my DW#1 not being respectful enough to her when confronted about not getting things done. What made my DW mad, was later in the day, several hours past the confrontation, my DD#1 asked to go to Target for something. My wife was shocked and PO'd that she would make the suggestion after what happened earlier that day. Well... This is now the part where my research and understanding of ADD can shed some like on this Classic "In the now" behavior. As I was beginning to explain in terms of how I would act, the next day, following a confrontation with her like nothing ever happened. When I tried to continue, she just cut me off, telling me that everything does not have to be related to ADD. REALLY... She knows this because of all the research she has NOT done about ADD. She still tells me she does not really believe DD#1 has ADD, but hopefully she will lose weight on the meds. This is about the only thing she believes the meds do. (Another Sore subject) Things in general have been improving for us, but her anger problems (She acknowledges she has) are still obviously still aimed at the subject of ADD, even though she says she does not believe had any affect on our marriage. My DW just cannot believe that ADD behaviors are not simply disrespect for her and a means to be taken advantage of.

    Well... Thanks for listening. I have much more work to do here. DD#2 is Very ADHD, even my DW believes this now. She was pissed when I first suggested it shortly after my diagnosis. I am about to make an appointment for her to get evaluated. I HATE that I have passed this on to my baby girls, but I'll be damned if I let them go their entire lives not knowing what could be going on in their heads. I will not let them believe they are Stupid, lazy or Crazy! Wish me luck :)    

  • NO ADHD FOR 3 DAYS RETURNED TO NORMALITY. by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 7 months ago

    My husband was very supportive for 3 days,he was very willing for me to read "Melissa's" book to him and I did,I pointed out all the great things at first like the part where "things I love about my ADHD husband" and the "hyper focus courtship" and a lot more,he was very fascinated, and wanted me to read more,so I continued ,but, over a period of 3 days.He can't all at once, take it in, so I had to read it in pieces and he was in shock! he realized that he was the one that caused "all" his past relationship's to fail,or end, and identified all the things he did wrong,he was very excited to begin treatment and start meds,but,first he started fish oil only yesterday.He no longer wants to remain with the disorder, and was very eager to visit the doctor, A. S. A .P, and wants me to continue to blog here and learn all I can about ADHD,I am impress by his motivation to move forward.He says to me, that he loves me a lot and will do what ever it takes to save our relationship.I started to "cry" of his realization.He understood everything in the book and says that's exact "HIM," and all the symptoms was him, and always knew that he was ill with something but never knew what it was, and he was very impress with how I found his problem.He began to be very sweet to me,I was sick on Thursday,and I fell asleep by him,he went to the grocery and cooked me a really delicious meal, and bought me tablets and I got better with in a few hours.He was surprising me with all sort of nice candies and sweets and he was in a really good mood,like when we first met a year and 4 months ago.I could not believe it.He even wants to work on certain issues that he identifies,like watching other women in my presence,and work on his mood swings, and anger,even the addictiveness to porn.He really wants to try, and I love him alot, and I could see how much he wants to change, and he wants me to help him, and I would.I told him If I did not love him the way I did I would not have even bother to go through all of this and just proceed to move on with my own life.He says he would "stop" all the verbal abuse,and stop the "blame game",and work on underlining the real issues and stray from it.OKAY people I am very happy to hear that,and I even tell him that I will work on my own self and set boundaries and make my self better for us to continue and maintain a healthy relationship.So our mission has started.

    HELP ME!

    He took me to the concert on Saturday night,the same one he did not want to take me just last week ,but,he is trying to be sensitive to my feelings,so we went, and we had a ball,but, one problem,he was watching a beautiful young woman that was standing right next to us.I some how could not deal with that and I wanted to just go home,it was already late anyway, and on top of that the heels I was wearing was causing me to be very uncomfortable.Am I too jealous? maybe I need to work on my jealously?I may have took that a little to personally? and may be I had a few to drink and the alcohol made me forget all the things I read at the moment.Am I to be blamed for that?whoever reads this please reply!this morning he got up "ANGRY" and went back on all his words, and he began to fight with me.Of course he was blaming me for last night,he said he never watched any woman and that the alcohol made me hallucinate,and that I was seeing things.He,before would stare down women in front of me and I lived with that for over a year now, so I don't think that he would "JUST STOP".I SAW IT, he was indeed watching the beautiful woman,but,wants me to be blamed for everything,I was about to cook lunch, and he was being very mean and nasty,he said I was sooo drunk that I was swaying,and that I crossed the road like a mad woman to buy some dinner before we went home, and many more mean, nasty things.I think one of our biggest problem is that we don't know how to say "sorry" and move on to something good.I on the other hand could control my anger and get over something as quickly as 10 minuets,he takes 6 hours,of self medicating relaxing weed and hard liquor.I am home now, he ran me as usual like a dog!what can I do ADHD is taking over my marriage no matter what we do.

     

  • Lack of communication by: PoisonIvy 12 years 7 months ago

    My spouse, who has ADHD, spends four days a week out of town assisting his elderly parents.  Thus, I'm home alone (except for the dog) four days a week.  We have two grown children, both in college; this is my younger daughter's first year away.  So being all alone like this is really a big change for me.  I don't mind spending some time alone, but I do get lonely eventually and my husband, despite my repeated requests, has not gotten into a pattern of texting or calling me when he is away every week.  I feel dead or invisible.  I have repeatedly brought this up with my husband but he appears unable to carry the behavior (contacting me occasionally) over from one week to the next.  Now I feel humiliated when I ask him to make the effort.  Any ideas?

  • How to handle conflict with children around by: lynninny 12 years 7 months ago

    I am pretty active on this site today--haven't been able to get time like this for a while. Here is my question: 

    How do you handle a conflict when you have young children who are around, or even in the room? 

    Sounds almost ridiculous, so to be more specific, how do I handle it when my husband does something that I find unacceptable or unhealthy or unkind, in front of our children? 

    Example: 

    I get up first every, single, day. After years, I have given up on the idea that I will be able to sleep in or not be woken on the weekends by my children who need me. We have no family or help nearby, it is just me. I work really hard as a teacher. I am so tired that I don't even feel human most of the time. My husband sleeps in a different room (long story). This week, to discipline one of my 8-year-old children, who hit his brother really hard, I gave him a consequence of no video games, for a week. Let it be known that I am almost 100% in charge of our children at this point, long story. My Dh is sick and on disability right now.

    Well, we were on day 6 of the consequence this Saturday morning, and son has been doing very well, and I am so, so, so tired, that when he tried to wake me at 7, I told him that he could play a (safe) video game while I slept for one more hour. Well, I overslept, and around 9, my DH got up, atypically, and I heard him questioning my child, "so, your mom went back on her word, huh? She told you a week, and then changed her mind, and now it is only day 6, and she is letting you play? Again?" (Evidently I have done this before. I know it is not great, but every once in a while I will modify an consequence if the point has been made or improvement is shown and my motivation this morning is that I just wanted to sleep for another hour or two).

    I heard, went into the room and just said to DH, "Please stop." I was just so mad. I had tears in my eyes. His choice of words, his painting something negative about me to our child, his public discussion in front of our children, in criticizing me when I do almost all the work while he sleeps. I got sucked in, and started arguing with him when he replied, "I didn't mean anything by it, you are too sensitive. Don't even talk to me for the rest of the day." Sorry, but with his choice of words, I didn't believe him, and I don't think he believed it, either. And it is his tactic to cast me as the bad guy who is too sensitive and wants to argue all the time. 

    We are not in a great place now, I am thinking of separating, but I want to protect my children and I don't want them to be damaged or to complain about their father to them. I prefer that all conflict and serious discussions between spouses be handled in private but my DH thinks nothing of doing it in front of them, even when I ask him to stop. What do I do? 

     

  • ADHD Symptoms / Adults who grew up with an Alcoholic parent by: tjair 12 years 7 months ago

     

    I wanted to throw out some thoughts I had about all this info we see about adhd and it's effects on adults / relationships, life and work.  Has anyone on this site made the connection between Alcoholism /  the hereditary nature of Alcohol abuse and adhd and the complex woven fabric of family upbringing and current behavior of ADHD individuals that might be more related to the actual effects of parental alcoholism than the adhd disorder itself?  That might have been confusing, so let me break it down.

    We all know that there is a connection to substance abuse/alcoholism tendencies in individuals with adhd. 

    We all know that alcoholism is something that tends to run in families/genetics.

    We all have our lists of symptoms and effects of ADHD on work, relationships, self-esteem, life, so on.....

    I question if people are as aware that growing up in a home where a parent was an alcoholic/abusive ALSO has it's set up long-term symptoms/complications.

    My question for people with ADHD and their spouses:

    Have those with ADHD who were brought up in a household where a parent had an addiction and/or was abusive, aware that just that factor itself may be a large contributing and underlying problem with responsibility/self-esteem/relationships, life?     As if ADHD itself isn't complicated enough... I wonder if those who have this kind of history (and I'm guessing that there may be a lot of them since there is this connection between substance abuse/alcoholism and adhd and genetics) know there are likely other factors that are contributing to the problems/treatment (are we quick to blame it all on the adhd when the problems could be as a result of growing up in a dysfunctional family?) .   

    I bring this up because I have been dealing with an adhd spouse for 12 years now... have had very little success in any progress with his disorder - then I had a "aha" moment when I began to factor in that his Dad was an alcoholic... possibly abusive.    When I began reading some articles online about growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent, I all of a sudden realized that my spouse closely fit some of what the site noted as the long-term complications of that and also that many of the symptoms cross-check with adhd symptoms.     There is this and many other articles available on the topic.   http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/adult/a/aa073097.htm      When people come to the site asking for help with their adhd or their adhd spouses... should one of the things we ask if the person grew up in a home with an alcoholic/abusive parent/  While this is incredibly personal a question... it seems to me that it is highly relevant and integral to being able to help someone if left out.     I'm highly hoping Melissa could comment on this one...  I think this could possibly really help a lot of people.

     

  • Resources to best support my ADHD husband by: willow1031 12 years 7 months ago

    My husband of 3 years has ADHD. It negatively impacts his quality of life and our marriage. He has no interest in taking medicine or otherwise managing his ADHD because that would be the same as admitting that there's something wrong with him. He claims to like "how his brain works" (I struggled with moderate to severe depression for about 15 years before getting treated so I do understand where he's coming from.) I can appreciate that he likes being him and I want to support him; however, our marriage and lives are falling apart because of this. (He, of course, thinks its because of a host of other reasons.)

    The two of us a gradually falling apart because of this issue. We've both gained a lot of weight, can't maintain our finances, or clean the house. It's almost like living with his ADHD has given to to me too, because I used to be good at all those things. Half the time I feel like I'm living with a sullen 13 year old boy instead of a grown man and I resent feeling like his mom instead of his wife. On the flip side, I know he doesn't do those things on purpose, just like if I forget to take my depression medicine I don't go to pieces on purpose.

    What can I do to help support my husband and our marriage? Are there books I can read? Websites I can visit? I want to learn to live with his ADHD in a productive way without feeling so much resentment.

    Thanks,

    Christen

     

     

  • How much is too much? by: jay2008 12 years 7 months ago

    I have been reading this forum and decided it was time for me to post...

    I am a non-ADHD man living with my girlfriend of nearly 6 years who has ADHD. She was diagnosed while in high school and has tried different medicines and approaches.

    She is ready to get married (and rightly so). I want to be married to her and have kids, but her ADHD symptoms drive me crazy. Our entire relationship, she has been habitually late, lacked motivation for the most part, neglected responsibility (including household chores, and any financial responsibility). She has worked a few jobs, but most have been part time, low paying jobs like babysitting. I assume full financial responsibility even though we are not married. I also have assumed most of the household tasks like cleaning and cooking. She thinks I do this because I am stubborn, but I see it more because I know cleaning and cooking and paying bills has to get done.

    Over the years I have told her that these things really bother me. I may not have been vocal enough about it, but I did tell her. Within the past year, I thought the problem may not be with her, but with the way I handle my frustration. So I went to therapy and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I have been working on keeping my thoughts and frustrations inline. I have become more vocal about my frustrations with her while also becoming more distant. She has made attempts to work on her ADHD symptoms, but they still happen. She was just recently very late when we were leaving with some friends to go out of town. I felt like that was the moment things changed. I realized that I could no longer handle the frustration caused by these symptoms.

    I don't know what to do now. She is waiting on me to give her an answer about whether or not I am fully committed to her and will marry her soon, or if I feel like these are things I cannot overcome. I feel horrible to think that I could deeply love and care about her, yet be unwilling to accept her faults and move forward with marriage. I'm afraid that if we get married and the ADHD issues persist (which she says they will), then my frustration will grow and grow until I breakdown.

    My therapist has helped me a lot with this situation. Any advice would be great and I appreciate all the good advice in this forum.

     

  • I love my ADHD wife ...... by: padre 12 years 7 months ago

    .... but she says that she has never been in love with me. This is we will be married 14 years and we have two wonderful children, together. My wife is absolutely my best friend and the love of my life. I have gone to years of counseling to better understand the symptoms and I feel I have done a good job of letting go of the early frustrations I had because I just didn't understand. There are still times that she will say things that will raise the hair on the back of my neck but I just take a deep breath and remind myself that she didn't mean it "that way."

    Four years ago we were having a difficult time with her oldest son who has ADHD and ODD and she allowed herself to "check out" of our relationship. She fell in love with a man online who in the end turned out to be a fraud. She, being very internet savvy was completely shocked. After that we kind of settled into a period in our marriage that was just amazing to me.

    See, over the years I have always felt as though I was chasing her, in competition with someone else for her attention and never really had security. During the last few years I experienced a level of security that I had never felt with her before; I was loving my life.

    Last year she decided to go back to work and we began bowling which put us around a lot of other men. It became increasingly difficult to have to compete for her time again. Many times her conversations with the other men became flirtatious and in several cases men propositioned her. I DO trust my wife to not cross lines but it is embarrassing and humiliating to have to shake the hand of a man that asked my wife to sleep with her (because I am not supposed to say anything to the guy - so he doesn't know that I am aware of his advance). To my wife these interactions are completely innocent but it's the men's perception that really matters here. I have tried to tell her that she is giving signals to a man that it is only natural for them to him to explore. I recently found out she was sending photos of herself to a man while we were on a date - I was heart broken more than anything else.

    I have filed for divorce but after a few days reconsidered because I love her so much. She has expressed some interest in separating to get her head straight and HOPEFULLY come back to me .......... right now I am just trying to hold on. I don't want to put our kids through the emotional mess that will ensue and honestly, I don't want to be without my wife.

    I hope and pray we are together forever but I am not sure what else I can do at this point.

     

  • Argues,then completely forgets, and do as if nothing happened! by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 7 months ago

    My husband does as if nothing is wrong next day,he was completely out of control last night and really upset and throwing accusations,tantrums,and today he would come and speak to me over the phone as if "nothing" happened.I am in the storm with lots off wind, but the roof has not gone as yet!I am feeling depress,and I need to address this to him or else he would always be this way,but,I can't because I have been educating myself on ADHD and that is not going to change him.Only the will power on his part to change and make change,and to address this ADHD on his own without me parenting him.I am lost!I am at a puzzle and I can't find the pieces to fit back,I am very very tired,I don't really want to speak to him right now,but,I have no choice.I am being held up against my own will to move on,He is very good at confusing me,nice today evil tomorrow,and then on and on,same thing!

Pages