We're gearing up for the first home budget meeting of the year. We're trying to get back into the habit of a weekly family meeting, but this first meeting will be going over last year's budget and planning at a high level for the new year. In the past, we stopped doing weekly or monthly budget meetings because our communication and budget styles are different enough that they were really ​stressful for us. So now we're starting up again, and I'm trying to figure out good communication strategies to make this more successful.

Background: We've been married about 10 years. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about 3 years ago. At his diagnosis, his doctor exclaimed, "This is one of the most severe cases I've seen! I'm surprised you managed to hold down a job!" (OK, I wasn't there, but that's how he described it to me.) However, he does have a great job, is very successful, we've got a reasonably healthy savings account, we've never had to worry about bankruptcy or impromptu trips to Las Vegas, or anything else that I sometimes read about on this site. I know how lucky that makes us. But. ​We dropped down to a single income a couple of years ago (partly due to managing young kids and family health issues, including the ADHD), and that is making budgeting really, really hard for us.

So now I have to go into this family budget meeting and figure out how to say "We overspent our budget by more than 25% last year, we're rapidly going through our savings, and we need a better strategy for next year." Without making him defensive. Or triggering "Oh, right! I'll stop getting coffee every morning. Next problem?"

I've been thinking a lot about how we could address it, and here's what I want-- I just need to figure out a good ADHD-friendly way to talk about it:

1. Split his business expenses onto a separate bank account/credit card. He's bad about expense reports, and I'm pretty sure we're carrying thousands of dollars of expenses per year because he charges them to a personal credit card, and forgets to get reimbursed. 
2. All budgeted household spending out of the joint household account, and enough money direct-deposited there every month to cover the budget, plus a calculated emergency cushion. Right now, a few bills are paid out of each of our personal accounts, and there isn't enough money regularly transferred to the joint account to cover expenses-- it stays in his personal account instead. I think this caused a lot of our budget overrun last year. Also a lot of stress to me, as I now manage all of our bill-paying and budgeting that isn't set to auto-pay. 
3. Discretionary money directly deposited into each of our personal accounts for non-budgeted expenses. (Right now, I get super stressed out when he spends a couple hundred a month at the coffee shop or Walmart or whatever, because it takes away from, say, the grocery budget. I want a black box account for him, where I don't have to care what he spends on, so I don't get mad when he does it.)
4. If we can't fit our budget into our income, I want that to be explicit, so we have a plan of "We'll use $x per month from savings between now and when our youngest is in kindergarten in 18 months" or "We'll use $x per month from savings, but we need to be a two income family again by June" or whatever. In the past, we had one set of savings commingled with the joint account, so it was too easy to burn through it on everyday expenses.

Things that make this hard:

1. ​DINK: I think he's having a hard time mentally adjusting from "dual income no kids" to "two kids one income"-- he's used to being able to go out to eat, buy a new iPhone regularly, do spur of the moment house projects, etc.
2. I don't want to micromanage: We've really cut down some parts of our budget over the last year, reducing our eating out and grocery bills by at least 50%. It's reasonably easy for me to reduce the budget on parts that I control, but it's hard for me to worry over whether I should buy a chicken at the grocery store or have rice and beans instead, then see him spend $25 at the coffee shop that week. But I don't want to micromanage his spending. (Thus the request for personal discretionary funds. But I think he's going to really object to having only a set discretionary fund transferred regularly, instead of keeping 1/3 of his paycheck for personal use-- the same as when we both had jobs.)
3. ​Different budget/communication styles: We've been using online budgeting/tracking software, which has really helped me keep track of the budget. But whenever we have a budget meeting, he hovers behind me, rewriting everything into a spreadsheet, and sorting it into a way that is sometimes impossible to follow through ("No coffee! Ever again!") and sometimes just misses big categories of spending ("Wait, where's the preschool tuition entry?"). Then we get annoyed at each other, and the meeting goes downhill.

Our old ADHD-specialist marriage counselor suggested only asking for "three things at once" so I'm trying to figure out how to talk about this in a really straightforward way that won't stress him out. Or me. I've already told him that I'm prepping the budget this week, and that I can send him a short list of ideas ahead of time so he knows what the meeting will be about. But when I mention it, I can see him start to get really stressed and anxious and start arguing... and that makes me want to just not talk about it at all.

Help!

Hi Everyone...

I apologize in advance if my post becomes a little lengthy.  I just want to give a full depiction of my situation and see if anyone has been in a similar situation and can offer any insight or advice, as I most certainly could use it right now.  The past few days (since Sunday) have been the worst in my entire life......

Let me start from the beginning.  I am a non-ADHD woman who was with an ADHD man up until this past Sunday night.  In addition to ADHD he was also diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and generalized anxiety issues.  Over time he has taken Vyvanse and Strattera, in addition to Depakote and Wellbutrin as well as Vistaril as needed.  We have been dating for 2 and a half years, off and on and he moved from his life in Missouri to be with me in Maryland in 2010.  Our relationship had been very tumultuous, as we have dealt with issues of infidelity, anger, mistrust and lying, and many of the normal ADHD struggles such as equality in household responsibilities and communication.  My former ADHD partner was very argumentative, and before he started receiving treatment (therapy in addition to medication), he would scream and yell at me.  This is the one thing that has improved over time.  However, he dealt with many issues of feeling like he was not being "listened to", although I always affirmed that I was listening, or he felt like he was being "blamed" when I would simply state how I felt about something that had happened.  I have learned over time to not say "you did this", or I tried my very best not to.  Instead, I have trained myself to speak more about how something has made me feel versus what he had done so as to not make him feel the "blame".  However, this still made him feel guilt, and instead of listening to my feelings and taking responsibility, he always got angry and things went in a downward spiral from there.  Of course, if he had missed doses of his medication, or if he was in a "depressed" state, this scenario became inherently worse.

Towards the end of last year, he lost his job and it seems as though everything has been in a downward spiral since then.  He obtained another job that lasted for a month, but, it didn't work out because it just wasn't a good "fit".  I understood that....but it seemed as though he had trouble controlling his frustrations and anger.  His schedule was out of whack and he was staying up very late at night (lack of sleep being a bad thing), and I suspected he had stopped taking his meds - primarily the Depakote to stabilize his moods.  I started counting his pills, and determined that he was missing at least 2-3 doses a week for the whole month of December.  Additionally, for the last part of December and into January, he had not taken any ADHD meds, as he was in the process of switching from Vyvanse to Strattera and was taking urinalysis tests for work and did not want the Vyvanse to show up.  It was irresponsible on his part, and I urged him to put reminders in his phone for his Depakote since he was "off schedule" due to not working...he always resisted though.  When I asked him about taking his meds, he told me he had been taking them, although I knew he had lied.  I even asked while in a therapist appointment, hoping he would tell the truth.

This past weekend, we had an amazing Friday night.  I had been extremely stressed out with work, and he was very generous and made a great meal for us, complete with wine and we relaxed together.  The next morning when he woke up; however, it was as if he was a totally different man.  He was argumentative about anything and everything.  Things became my fault.  I became the one that had "issues".  This has been a common theme in our relationship when he has struggled without medication - the "blame game" as I call it.  When he feels badly, he wants to find something to fault me with.  When he "comes to", he apologizes and is extremely nice again.  I do see it as a cycle, and have always considered it like a form of abuse.  This past Sunday, however, the abuse was affirmed when the arguing got out of control.  I asked him again about his meds, after counting more pills and seeing a more consistent pattern of missed doses. I pointed out to him on the calendar where I'd counted his missed doses and he got extremely aggitated and started yelling and screaming, just as he used to.  At this point, I could certainly tell he was unmedicated, as he was just as he was prior to meds and receiving therapy.  I told him that I wanted him to leave, permanently, and that did not go over so well.  At the end of the night, he ended up being arrested for assaulting me.  It was all a whirlwind in how it happened.  I don't understand how things got there.  I never in my life imagined that things would end up that way.

I was very angry right after it happened.  I was glad that he got locked up in jail for what he did to me (nothing very serious, but enough to scare me).  I can only hope that it's enough to scare him too and to help him further in bettering himself.  Since then, I have a mixed bag of emotions.  I am sad sometimes.  Sometimes I am somewhat happy, as I feel like I can somewhat re-build my life to what it was before our relationship (order in my house, getting things done "for me").  On the other hand, there is the part of me that still wants to help him, as I have for the past year plus.....although I know that i cannot, due to protection orders.  I know that he is staying in state versus moving back "home" to Missouri, which I think will help him to continue his journey in making himself a better person. 

What I'm wondering is, has anyone else been through something as serious as this?  And, if you have, do you have any advice to offer?  I know that it gets better from here....and I know that I have many agencies that I need to reach out to for support and counseling, which I plan on doing.  I'm also wondering.....as crazy as it may seem....is there hope for him?  I know he is a very sick individual....and I'm a cautiously optimistic person....I'd like to think that people can change, and this has not been a theme in our relationship.....so, I'm curious.  I hope you all dont think I'm crazy....just curious.

Thanks in advance!

M

I have finally decided I can't live with my husband any more. He doesn't feel he should have to move, unlike Lululove's husband who left when she told him to. So I, handicapped, have to divide all our stuff, pack and move. I am going to move about 90 miles away, where my job is (it's on online job; I never go there) and my family.

So how do I do this? Do I worry about how he's going to pay the rent? Do I continue supporting him? How do I divide things? Why can't he participate in our lives together? Arwen, I think when you did it, you were both employed, so there wasn't the desperate dependence that he has on me. My daughter thinks that my husband is capable of working and that I'm enabling him by supporting him and that he will find a job once I leave and take my paycheck with me.

I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. Arwen, I know your husband woke up and came back and you're still together. I'd love any other advice or input people can give me. Did any of your marriages survive, or was it such a relief not to deal with the ADDer that you didn't want to go back?

Something strange has happened in my marriage and I need some advice / possible explanation/help understanding:  First some background -  My husband has ADHD, he was diagnosed with it when he was a child.  He does not take medication and flat out refuses to go to therapy.  We have been married 7 years, most of which have been very difficult.  When we were dating I was his focus, we would spend time together, he adored me, he would spoil me with extravagant gifts.  Once we were married and moved in together things began to unravel.  He didn’t help with the household chores, spent a tremendous amount of time watching college football and on college football forums.   When our first child was born it continued – he had very little involvement with the baby, and as he grew older things didn’t change – not a lot of fathering.  We had a second child, and much the same – very little assistance, little involvement as a father, intense interest in football and other TV.  I felt like a single Mom most of the time.  Leaving the boys with him for any amount of time was almost an impossibility as he said he couldn’t handle it. I was angry, resentful and would nag him constantly which further caused a break down in our marriage.

Fast forward to 2010.  I started researching and reading about ADHD and how it affects marriage.  My eyes were opened.  I began to understand my husband’s behavior.  I started to go to therapy and that helped me understand things further – why I was feeling the way I was feeling, why his actions were what they were and how I could help him feel more capable of being involved with the boys.  Our marriage improved.  

Now something strange has happened – beginning about 6 weeks ago he has become extremely helpful with household chores (I haven’t done the dishes in 6 weeks because they are always done before I get to them), he helps fold the laundry, gives the kids baths and I even go to yoga once a week for 2 hours. He is more engaged with the kids and isn’t spending time in his “man cave” in front of the TV.   It’s been a complete change.  But there has also been a downside to this….  His hyper focus has shifted to me.  I feel like I am under constant scrutiny, and if I don’t spend every waking free moment with him he gets incredibly upset.  I can’t read, can’t watch the TV shows I enjoy because it ends up in a fight (he claims I don’t want to spend time with him).   He says that he is scared of losing me and that is what has changed his behavior.  This fear is causing him some destructive thoughts – he says that he is so fearful that he constantly thinks about me leaving him, cheating on him, deceiving him and these thoughts are causing him to project these onto me which have fueled some awful fights – I think I have cried every day for the last 6 weeks due to our fights, things he has said, impulsive threats to leave. 

I feel like I am being tortured and I am living with a crazy person.  Please help me understand what’s going on here……  has anyone ever experienced this?