Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • I dont know what to do now by: alone and deserve it 12 years 11 months ago

    I have been married for 13 years and found out a few years ago I had ADHD.  It all made since, the trouble in school, making the wrong decisions, trouble with financial reports etc.  I have ruined my marriage, alienated my wife, kids and her family.  Im loosing my wife and son in a current divorce.  Work is fine and starting to really improve.  My medication does not seem to work for long, maybe a few hours.  But I have made the choices that got me here.  How much of that can be ADHD?  I fell like its a copout to blame the ADHD.  I could see this all coming but  its like it was a hologram and I could not reach out and touch it or stop it.  Now I have no idea what to do.  I do not see any way to salvage the situation im in now.  It really seems like some of our problems were her fault, but I feel like if I even think of blaming her, I must be wrong.  I dont want this to effect my work.  All I have is working to hopefully pay for a decent and much improved life for my wife and son.  Is there any personal help that is available at no or little charge?  Money is tight for another month, then it will be much better, but I need help now.  How can a man with ADHD, who has done the things that I see time and time again on this site,  ever regain his life?  An apology seems pathetic and would be not well received anyway.  Im at the end of my rope and not looking for sympathy, just understand and some real one to one help/counseling.

    Alone and deserve it

  • At end of my rope. by: framis 12 years 11 months ago

    I have been married for 42 years and probably have ADD.  I read the book and it fits to a "TEE" My wife has taken the track that I can do nothing right or in time.She is right and I am wrong period.  She gives me no credence and controls everything.  She tells me how to drive, dress what to eat, and what not.  She even corrects me in public. If I forget something, it escalates almost out of hand. 

    I do not drink, smoke or go to bars,  No interest there.  I spend most of my time in close proximity to her, she says she is alone. and I am not paying attention to her.  My hobby is sports cars and I work in my shop each Saturday and always come in to a very cool attitude.  My doctor thinks I do not have ADD, however I fit a lot of the conditions in the book.  There seems to be no group in Phoenix.  I would like to get some diagnosis so I can go forward. 

     

     

  • Does the role of relationship repair rest solely on the ADHD-partner? by: Wrestles with Self 12 years 11 months ago

    Despite what I see as a change in my attitude, willingness, and desire to address my ADHD symptoms (purchasing and using books, listening to seminars, validating his feelings, anger, and frustrations, using a planner more frequently and ultimately being more self-aware of the impact my symptoms play in my life), my non-ADHD partner refuses to engage as part of a collaborative team. While I recognize that I have a lot of personal work to do on and for myself (get career ambition and resolve together, social life network, self-esteem, confidence, tactics to manage myself better, establish more control and self-discipline), I try to communicate that his response strategies to my ADHD symptoms don't help to foster the change. I've asked him to read texts with me to discuss key points and how WE will deal do/don't deal with them, foster understanding for each other's situation by reading another account and expression of emotion, or simply to have a text serve as an unbiased commentator on our own behavior traps. I ask him to sit down when tempers aren't flared, to dialogue about solutions, rather than assigning blame, or specific actions WE need to take to begin to repair OUR relationship. However, he says he "waited so long for me to come around, now it's my turn to wait", or "I'm not going to do anything (I've done enough for you) until you change" or "I've failed to realize or do anything for myself a year ago when our relationship started spiralling, or have failed to do that", essentially, that I am the one to blame and the only one responsible for correcting our relationship. I'll take the high road and recognize his general patience, continued investment in my well-being, and overall grace under fire despite feeling victimized by having my ADHD symptoms forced upon him when he fell in love with me (part of the package). However, from what I've read and heard in ADHD help sources, it has to be a collaborative effort, there has to me MORE communication and teamwork, NOT assigning responsibility. I'm trying to get my non-ADHD partner to come to couples counseling, as I recognize that he can learn techniques for communicating, working with me, bringing down the anxiety, stress level, depression that he now feels "dealing" with me. However, he is generally stubborn, doesn't say the "pleases" and "thank yous" and "good jobs" and other common etiquette and niceties for any good action, withholds all "I love you"s, refuses to recognize that everyone, even he, has personal problems that he could work on (even the small ones, which I think addressing would serve as a good role model for me to work on mine.) Ultimately, I want my partner to see me as two entities; "me" and then "my ADHD symptomatic behavior". Psychologically, it helps me as an individual to see my maladaptive ADHD behavior objectively, like an enemy or villain, which which I can wage war against, rather than beating myself up and continuing to lower my self-esteem when I frame ME and MY ADHD as a single entity. I know it's tough for him at this point in the relationship to separate his mental image of me from the behaviors he's witnessed. I'm asking him to join my fight against MY ADHD, and rekindle the love for ME in a kind, warm affectionate and supportive way, not the passive-aggressive "well, I'm still here dealing with this *&^^, so you must realize it, or do you just not get that too!"

    Is he asking too much for me, and only me, to take full responsibility to deal with my ADHD, and then deal with the relationship, when I'm armed for another fight around the corner?

    We are still in a relationship, so even though it's tough for ADDers to multitask (deal with personal AND relationship repair) the fact that we are still here, hanging on, means that the relationship is not DEAD, still plays a huge role in my life, and still needs simultaneous attention.

    Thank you for reading and providing any commentary on my situation, things that have worked for you to wrangle collaboration from a partner who has "given up" the responsibility of "it takes two", or other reflections of similar situations, since I(we) are never quite sure if what we feel is truly unique or common.

  • Back from deployment & learned so much by: Brandon 12 years 11 months ago

    Hello Melissa and all the ADDers out there I have been back from Iraq for about six months now and my marriage has well not been so good.  When I came back I hyper focused on fixing are marriage.  We tried going to marriage counseling a few times and Here is the part where you husbands out there with ADHD need to listen too.  Marriage counseling and meds are not a fix for your marriage so don't make the mistake I did and pretend that everything is ok and go on pretending that your marriage is fine.  The one thing I have learned is first thing is first you need to seek your own counseling and your spouse needs to seek there own then come together with someone who knows about ADHD.  Now here is where I messed up I pushed on affection love and intimacy trying to make her fall in love with me.  Of course all it did was push her away further and further now it is at the point where we cannot live together and still fix things so she is heading back home four states away with the kids and ya I know it sounds messed up but I honestly feel it is the best for the long term and its only for three months.  Where a lot of marriages go wrong is one I learned that I am very co-dependent and no women wants to be with a weak and needie man.  Women want a strong independent man who can take care of them and them self.  So we both are taking this time to grow for our self, find our self and hopefully miss each other and want to be with each other and if not then we will be the best parents for our kids.  I love my wife and she loves me and we want to be together but I believe  that all these people on here complain and wine about what the other person is not doing, take a long hard look at your self and take responsibility for your choices that you made in life.  know one can make you feel sad, depressed, or worthless.  If you don't like the situation that your in fix it, be a strong independent person.  Now I am not saying divorce or separation I do not believe in that, all I am saying is if your sad, mad or have fallen out of love with your spouse seek help to find out why and what you can do about it.  Your spouse will see your changes and trust me every man loves a strong independent women who takes control of her life and they will follow suit.  Don't under no circumstances just fake it or pretend so you don't hurt the other person it only makes it worse.  This is just what I have learned the past six months and I will continue to learn and get better at being ADHD and just remember having ADHD is not a curse its a gift that god gave you now you have to learn to use it in a positive way.  

                                                  "Knowledge is Power if you don't know you never will, Take control of your life"

                                                                                    

  • Neverending story by: miki73 12 years 11 months ago

    Okay, I will try to keep this short.  So I have been in this marriage now for four years.  I have worked in mental health  for twenty years and figured out about a year and a half into the marriage that my husband has ADD.  He is on medication, some supplements and have mostly gotten him off aspartame...but he is also type 1 diabetic.  When his blood sugar is low, he is well..lets just say not very nice.  Last night he told me to "kiss my ass", after I suggested that maybe some of his behaviors were because his blood sugar was low. Between the ADD & diabetes, lack of jobs for the majority of the past four years I  really am not sure what to do.  Just when I think things start to look up, they seem to cycle. I support our family financially, emotionally, etc.  Not to mention our three year old and the eight year he has.  We are also Christians, so I really struggle with the thoughts I have about him and our marriage sometimes! But I am really tired and when I try to take care of myself, it seems there is always a greater need.  There is a light of the end of the tunnel if we can just get some things lined up...just seems like that light never comes.......

  • Christmas by: Linsy 12 years 11 months ago

    Here I am plodding towards another lonely Christmas. Nothing has changed while HB has been away from me, in fact he has gotten a lot worse. His defensiveness is now off the scale. His family are indifferent and allow him to live with and off their elderly mother without challenge. When he has our youngest, he rings he constantly to complain about his behaviour. He also allowed him to go to the park alone (aged 10 in central London) and sleeps until 11am, leaving the child to wander around calling me frequently to ask what to do. He is off the scale angry, regularly sends texts that give me pain, and is generally in deeper denial than ever. He told me he was going to get a proper assessment, but I have received no communication about adding my input which he said would happen, and his denial seems to me to mean he is not allowing the idea of his problems to impinge. He is also smoking a great deal of cannabis, which seems to make his memory and effectiveness even worse. I really don't know what to do, and feel very low sitting here as usual running things single handed, and without family support. He asked me to see a marital counsellor with him, which I thought was a good sign. But it seems he only wanted her to confirm that I was the problem; then he refused to pay on the grounds that he has 'no money' - ie refuses to get a job. So that was the end of that. Although I don't have to live with the shocks of his numerous 'mistakes' every day, I still am very stressed by what I have been through and very sad for my children.

  • I Feel Like I'm Being Used by: maryreilly 12 years 11 months ago

    I have a question for the members of this forum who have ADD.  I'm in a relationship with someone who has ADD, they're susposed to love me, but as soon as someone or something new comes along, I barely exist.  This happens constantly.  How can you love someone and ignore them?  I feel like he just uses me to keep from being bored until something better comes along.   

  • Changes to the Diagnostic Criteria by: summerwine 12 years 11 months ago

    http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=383#

     

    That's the link to the proposed changes coming our way with the DSM-5.  Dr. Barkley also states that they are working on a severity scale and proper discussion of the spectrum of ADHD. Finally people won't be able to pretend its just a mild disorder! What do you think or the changes?

  • Trying To Make Progress by: AGuyWithADHD 12 years 11 months ago

    Hi all,

    Not sure if this is in the right spot or not, sorry. I'm in my early 30's, married, two kids, and have recently (within a month) been diagnosed with ADHD. I'm currently reading through Orlov's book as well as doing some general research on ADHD. I had suspected I had ADHD for some time, but things started coming to a head about a year ago with my wife. We were fighting way more than usual and though it took me forever to follow-through, I finally did see a specialist and was diagnosed. I won't go through the details because they mirror much of what's said in Orlov's book as well as other writings on how ADHD affects people. I find my self nodding and agreeing with much of what I've read.

    I've started on Strattera last week so hopefully that will help give a boost. I feel like I'm beginning to get a handle on things somewhat. Even though I had suspected my issues, as I mentioned, I had never made much progress, unfortunately. This, of course, had a terrible affect on my marriage and while I'm working on my end I fear it may be too late for my wife to feel like she can work on the marriage. I understand why she feels the way she does and she understands what's happening (she's also read Orlov's book), but we may have gone too deep. Hoping for some more positive progress.

  • If we're so far gone, how can there be hope? by: spiceoflife 12 years 11 months ago

    My husband asked me a few days ago if we were done.  I truly don't believe we are, yet I fear I'm in denial.  We both want things from our marriage, but neither one of us are able to deliver.  My husband's ADD is worse than ever.  He's committed to getting treatment, but has missed a few appointments because he was too late to bother showing up at all.  He also confessed that he isn't getting anywhere with his therapist because she listens and offers no real advice.  My husband got in to see the psychiatrist, was given Adderall, and weeks later, got it filled yesterday.   

    I keep running into walls emotionally and psychologically.  I can't move forward with my husband, even when I think I can do it.  After years of failed treatment of his ADD and it coming to a scary place now, I DON'T TRUST him.  My husband is far worse than I ever thought.  For years he honestly hasn't seen he has done much wrong.  HOW CAN  PROGRESS BE MADE if one can't rely on his own memory or focus enough to piece together what is truth?  His memory lapses, glitches, and shuffling are mind boggling.  My husband had a fit of memory glitches regarding a commitment he had made with our son and when trying to make sense of it, he started blaming me for confusing him.  When I insisted and stood my ground, explaining the series of events where he had communicated one thing consistently with both my son and myself, then how he suddenly changed his perspective, and that what he was remembering was false, he FREAKED out - shaking, feeling crazy.  I felt awful for him and deeply sickened by having to grab him by the horns and help him realize where he was.  Emotionally, this is tragic for us both.  

    If I still love him, but cannot be more than a room-mate to him right now, what good is our marriage?  Something inside of me feels that this love is enough to stay together for the sake of our 4 children at the very least.   However, he wants, needs, demands more.  His physical advances are typical ADD; compulsive, demanding, unthoughtful.  His emotional advances are welcome, but awkard at times.  Our marriage almost ended years ago, but I stayed because he sought treatment and things were really good for about a year.  Then he stopped his meds.  Thus followed years of apologies turned to confessions of not thinking he was wrong and not understanding why I was upset all of the time.  

    Hypothetically, even if I left my husband, I feel like I'm too ruined for anyone else.  Even if my husband shaped up, how on earth to I become the wife I was so long ago?  I imagine reinventing myself would be in order, but for now - it's pointless.  I must continually defend my borders yet remember to find joy living within them.  I must remain realistically untrusting yet open to change in my husband.  I need to be hardened to withstand the conflicts as they arise yet soft in spirit to keep myself from being lost.  Balance.  Not a small task indeed.    

    Anti-depressants helped me before, so I'm off to be numbed soon.  It's depressing now to think how they numb me from positive things in my life, but I'll have to forgo those things for the sake of self preservation right now.  After the meds, I won't care so much.  I'll see improvements with my mood around my kids, I'll be more patient with my husband.  One draw-back with that patience is my husband has a false sense of how he affects me.  For instance, if he starts fighting and blaming me for his problems, I react with a sigh and move on.  He interprets this as not a harsh consequence and starts to keep himself in check much less.   This prolongs the problem and makes it so I need anti-depressants to withstand our interactions indefinately.  I feel so dysfunctional for staying with him.  I wish someone would tell me the perfect thing to do.  LOL! (that's a kookie laugh, btw.  ;-p)

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