Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • What is this? by: is_this_it 12 years 11 months ago

    I am reeling this morning, I just do not know how to cope with this anymore.

    The last few days I have been ill with Tonsillitis, really very ill. I have been laid up since Monday. My husband really shone in this time, he cleaned the kitchen, he put me to bed, he rubbed my legs when I had a fever. However, as I got better, his behavior seemed to deteriorate, almost as if, when I was totally dependent on him, it brought out something nurturing. Of course the worm had to turn.

    The last two mornings have been the worst (mornings are always thorny in our household - which I hate) yesterday we had a row from nowhere when he demanded that I may the nursery bill from my housekeeping money (all our money goes into a joint account except for the money for housekeeping which I keep, essentially so I know people will still be able to eat) I contribute over £1400 to our "joint account" every month, which is to cover nursery and joint bills and savings (which is also more than he makes in an entire month) I am immediately suspicious - what's happening with the money in the account then hun? He goes off his rocker and says, what does it matter which money we use? Eventually he concedes that he will go and pay the nursery fee's not before kicking over a chair in front of our daughter and flouncing out of the house. He doesn't even touch the breakfast that I lovingly made for him in appreciation of how nice he had been over the previous two days. I follow him out to the car, as he is dropping our Daughter at Nursery (we only have one car and I was off work due to being ill) I put the baby in the car (wracked with nerves that he is going to drive like a madman) and tell him calmly - don't ever kick a chair over in front of Alara again, that is out of order. - he tells me to F off and reverses down the drive.

    He comes home in the evening, acting like everything is fine - like nothing happened in the day, but he know's I am pissed off, so he creeps around me, trying to goof off to make me laugh.I make dinner and then I sit reading Melissa's book while he studies his electrical engineering book, eventually I go up to bed, and he follows about 2 hours later.

    fast forward to this morning and he gets up late, comes down to Eggs on toast, he asks me to go and pick up he thyroxine prescription from the doctors which is about 2 miles away, I say "sure hun, so if I come with you to work, I can take the car and pick you up later" he glares at me and says NO, you cant have the car today. Why do you want the car. I need the car. YOU dont need the car (even though he had asked me to run an errand not 60 seconds earlier) I say but hun, you are just going to work, where the car will sit all day until you come home, so why cant I use it. He says he needs it for lunch (which he doesn't) I ask him why, he says he just needs it, and why do I need it (again) I say to pick up his meds, he then says forget it, he can do it. I am to stay at home today. WTF??? He then flounces out to the car AGAIN. I follow him out, to get the pram from the boot (so I am NOT trapped in the house with a toddler all day) and he glares at me. I say again, you need to get this under control - he then punches the window and again tells me to F off.

    I text him and say  his behavior is unacceptable. It is not healthy and Alara is starting to be affected by it (she was very clingy afterwards)

    He text's back "You push me to do it - that's your plan" I mean seriously? What does that even mean?

    Has anyone else experienced what I consider to be serious controlling and manipulative behavior in this way? I am considering that this is something more insidious than ADHD all together. Lately, he is obsessed with saving money and makes my life very difficult if I spend anything which is not preapproved (yet he can spend what he likes on whatever he likes - total double standards) when he is challenged about this, he gets aggressive, uses shock and awe or occasionally will claim that he is trying to build a future which includes hair brained business schemes and a 5 series BMW (which would couldn't afford to drive because of the cost of petrol and insurance) He gets moody and angry if I go anywhere, even to the shop alone - yet he can go anywhere.

    Any time he "acts out" it's my fault, the crappy, naggy wife. I PUSH him to do lots of things, things that he choses to do.

    I just wish that he would take responsibility for his actions. I am starting to really feel hopeless and the only way to resolve this, to get some of my sanity and self esteem back is to end it for once and for all. The more it happens, the closer I get to the edge.

    I don't have a huge support network, which he knows and likes I think, because then there is no one to tell me that his behavior is intolerable. So he gets to maintain his position.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    I have been reading melissa's book and although I agree with most of the principles, I feel like I am way beyond any of it at the moment.

  • Ouch. Still trying to accept the perceived reality by: I'm So Exhausted 12 years 11 months ago

    I am angry.  My ADHD spouse  is sad.

    We are both stubborn.

    "Look what you did to each other." 

    I am still not fully able to grasp this observation.  Am I free from any blame?  No, of course not.  But I am so-o-o struggling with this. . . . .  "Look what you did to each other."  I had really hoped for something else.  I really hoped for - well maybe empathy?  A bitter pill to swallow.  It will not go down. 

     

  • I don't want my marriage to end, but understand by: velofocus 12 years 11 months ago

    We're married more than 15 years. I was diagnosed ADHD 2 years ago, and accepted the diagnosis and meds. After a rough transition, My life has changed for the better in so many ways. My job went from shaky to great, I gave up alcohol, watch my sugar intake, exercise regularly, and always have done my fair share of house chores. It's not enough for my wife. She wants me to suddenly not be ADHD. She wants me to never again make a dumb comment. I'm supposed to become perfect.

    I think our marriage is great, and we have great times together. The last few weeks have been wonderful. Yet tonight one little discussion went off the rails. I stayed calm, and tried to keep it from escalating. She wanted it to be monumental. 

    I can't handle the burden of carrying her happiness, of it somehow being my responsibility. A few months ago, I told her in a loving way that she was free to leave me. I wouldn't hold it against her. She declined my offer. But it's just not working, and I wish I knew I was ADHD before I was married so I'd know to stay single. How do I end this? Should I end this? She loves me, but the constant pressure of having to be perfect is killing me. I should have stayed single. Yet I'm afraid to be alone.

     

  • How to rebuild TRUST when he won't stop LYING? by: 17ADDYears 12 years 11 months ago

    I am new to the forum. Like so many others on here, I am perilously close to divorce. I REALLY don't want that to happen, but I just don't know what to do. My (fairly story-independent) questions are at the end, so you can skip the background story or read it- whatever you prefer :)

    I have been with my husband (recently diagnosed with ADD) for 17 years- three of those were long-distance while we were in college. After seventeen years, five cities, building a small business together, and plenty of trials and tribulations, my trust in him was truly monumental. I couldn't understand the scale or value of it until it was gone.

    Eight months ago a friend emailed me to tell me that he'd found texts on his girlfriend's phone indicating that our partners were having an affair. I was stunned because our marriage was solid- affectionate and happy and good! I confronted my husband, he admitted that he did have "feelings" for this younger, prettier woman (also a friend of mine), which absolutely crushed me, but that he had never transgressed beyond some irresponsible texting the night before and a couple of secret lunches. I believed him- I didn't think he would ever lie to me directly. I actually thought my husband was so ethical that it would make him physically ill to cheat on me or lie to me. (Sigh. I know.) I thought that he'd only managed to deceive me because it had just started days before, and had only been "lies of omission."

    After much tears and drama and reconciliation, we were two weeks recovered when I found out that he had in fact told me a bold-faced lie. That there HAD been physical transgressions, that one had happened over a year before, and that he had been keeping it from me and hanging out with the three of us for a year without ever batting an eye. I freaked out in a BIG way. Who was this pod-person? He swore that he'd so thoroughly put it out of his mind that he never thought about it during that year, that it had just started up again, and he'd only lied when confronted to protect my feelings. Again, I believed him!

    Now the ADHD part. The stress of this whole situation made my husband's formerly mild ADHD explode- but neither of us knew what was happening. All I knew was that I needed my husband to be more sensitive and thoughtful, and instead he was way, way less. I couldn't understand why he was acting this way- I'd learned not to take his ADD (which I thought was just "spacing out when I was talking") personally years ago. I didn't understand why he'd say he was going for a five-minute walk and then come home from the grocery store and hour and a half later. He'd say maddeningly contradictory things in arguments that went in circles and veered off on tangents constantly. He told EVERYONE about his affair. He told our friends intimate details about our new sexual problems. He wrote a song about how hurt he was that the other woman moved on so fast and debuted it at a party in front of all of our friends. He broke promises, denied having made them, and almost never expressed remorse after doing these things. He started getting extremely angry and raging, often frightening me, when I would get upset because of something he'd done, no matter which way I tried to talk to him about it. He seemed to have zero empathy or compassion. He'd read the same affair recovery books that I had, but just wouldn't do any of the emotional things they said were essential for rebuilding intimacy and trust. On the contrary, he did such hurtful things with such regularity that I thought he must be doing them deliberately, and I couldn't understand why he would hate me so much to do that to me.

    I finally found a marriage counselor who was highly educated, available, and on our insurance- but our visits to her actually seemed to make things worse. She clearly didn't believe me that any of these things were happening, and I got the distinct impression from her that she felt my H's affair and our subsequent problems were my fault. After a couple of months of this I just couldn't take it any more and told her it wasn't working out. She wrote us a letter where she urged me to seek individual therapy for my "anger problem". Of course, this was before we knew anything about ADHD.

    One day we had a fight because my H told me he would do something, and after waiting an hour I found him on YouTube. He bought me a book on Adult ADHD, hoping that I'd get off his back about his tendency to be distracted. Instead, it explained SO MUCH MORE than either of us had ever known about ADHD. I was simultaneously ashamed and sad that I hadn't known more about it sooner (in my defense, he was really high-functioning before the affair- no money, employment, anger problems, etc), and so relieved that his behavior wasn't stemming from lovelessness or malice. I had such high hopes that we'd find a doctor, find a therapist, find a good drug regimen, and finally be able to begin rebuilding trust.

    All of those things eventually happened- except for the trust. The sense of remorse, compassion, and safety that I'd been desperately craving for months never manifested. Instead my H started acting like it had been four freakin' months- I needed to "let it go" already! He started complaining that he was angry and unsympathetic because I was smothering him and was too sensitive and/or parental (because I wanted accountability and transparency, and still cried too much). He literally stormed out of every important conversation- often after becoming violent. Then, after months of truly believing that he would never lie to me again, I caught him lying, and this time there was absolutely no way it was for my benefit- just his. He chose to break an important promise- for hours- and then lied to my face about it over and over for days. I watched him do it and just stopped caring if he left me for another woman.

    Eventually I told him that I knew he was lying. He was indignant, and then when he realized I had proof, made an unrepentant apology, said I was wrong to force him to make that promise anyway, and tried to sweep the whole thing under the rug. I felt emotionally paralyzed, but we were planning to move cross-country, and I suppose I still hoped that things would change in a new city. I told him to go there alone to house hunt, and not hurry back. He went, and was as un-smothered and un-parented as one could be, but the explosive anger and tantrums continued any time I said something he didn't like- including those times I was honest about my lack of trust. He would bellow at me on the phone that one teensy lie shouldn't undo all the other times he DIDN'T lie to me. If I argued he would hang up on me. I was so tired of the drama that I stopped speaking to him for a couple of weeks. When he came home he was much nicer- for a couple of months. As soon as I started to believe he really had changed, he started raging and abusing again. Two weeks ago he really scared me and I took my pet and a few things and left, driving 14 hours to my parents' house. He called me and told me to come home. When I refused, he said he wants a separation. I said I want a divorce because I don't trust him not to hurt me during a separation. He was furious- he didn't see why I shouldn't trust him- that last big lie was months ago- I'm just as deceitful as he is- there's been plenty of times he didn't lie to me- and- (this one got to me)- I'm the one who's bailing on our marriage, because all he wants is a healing separation so he can "work on himself".

    I was dubious. I thought he would spend a lot of time playing video games and drinking with his buddies, but I didn't believe that my discomfort-avoiding H would actually confront his demons. But I decided to try this one last thing- provided we work out a written separation agreement so I would feel somewhat protected. Well- that's a lot easier said than done! Despite my following all of the non-violent communication rules, he still screams at me and hangs up any time I express a different opinion or refuse to give him his way. He's been dragging things out, indeed- playing video games, and who knows what else. A couple of days ago he lied to me AGAIN, and I realized that the agreement is pointless, because I probably won't know if he breaks it- and I fully expect that he will. I don't believe a word out of his mouth anymore- how can i be married to someone and feel like that?

    So I'm at a loss now. To anyone who's made it through my long sob story- I have several questions.

    1- I know many people on this forum are dealing with infidelity, incessant lying, or lack of empathy. Has anyone successfully dealt with all of these?

    2- Has anyone found a separation to be helpful with ADHD-related marital problems?

    3- Is it possible that his drug regimen is inadequate and that a different med or dose would allow more empathy?

    4- Is it possible that co-morbid depression could be causing the anger and lying- even though he appears happy sometimes (such as when we go out with his friends, etc)?

    5- Is there any hope with this, or do I need to accept that he will never provide the emotional reliability that I need as a result of his affair?

    Thank you so much to anyone who has any advice!

  • He is in denial and I am frustrated by: wendyanne41 12 years 11 months ago

    We are going on 3 years next week.  He is a good guy that refuses to admit he has this illness.  He drives me nuts!  I actually talked him into going to a couples therapy session and he told the therapist "there is nothing wrong with me".  I walked out crying so hard I could barely walk.  As much as I love him I want to strangle him 90% of the time.  He is super hyperactive from dawn until bedtime.  He is a trucker so he is only home on weekends and when he is home I am lucky to get to sleep by 2 or 3 in the morning as he won't stop talking.  He will stay on his computer for hours (I have to beg him to spend time with me), then he keeps me up until 2 or 3 in the morning repeating things he has already told me several times.  He calls me at least 20 times a day when he is working, only to tell me the same things over and over again in every single conversation (usually complaining about something or someone).  He is a total hypocrite.  He puts people down then turns around and does the exact thing he spent 3 days complaining about somebody else doing.  He is very loving and affectionate but we have no sex life.  He shows absolutely no interest in sex. He would rather spend time on his computer or tinkering with our cars.  We only make love once every 3-4 months and even then I feel like he is doing it just to make me happy.  I have been told that he probably just "lost interest" but there is more to it than that.   I don't doubt he loves me, he is just incapable of showing it in the way that I need.  He is a wonderful provider and buys me a lot of nice stuff.  But when I try to talk about how I feel he just shuts down on me.  We have no emotional bond or communication.  He only hears what he wants to hear, and if I am having a problem his answer is, "just get over it".... he shows no emotion other than anger, and he has a tendency to just blurt things out- he can be very cruel and hurtful, but doesn't recall saying what he said 5 minutes later.  He even denies saying it, but he always apologizes. He has never been abusive or physically harmed me, but the toll on my emotional health is another story.  I can tell him something several times, and he responds, even converses about it, but later acts like I never told him about it.  He always waits to do everything at the last minute.  If we have plans to go to a movie or meet people for dinner I have to lie and tell him it starts earlier than it really does or we are late every single time.  I am now on anxiety medication and sleeping pills just to deal with this relationship.  He talks about quitting trucking and opening a repair shop here where we live (he is a mechanical genius).  I can barely deal with him being home 2 days a week, how am I going to cope with him being home all of the time???   I don't want to start over and find someone else at my age...I really do love him and I want to make this work, but I get so frustrated and angry...does anyone else feel this way??  I would appreciate any advice or words of encouragement so very much.  Thank you!!!!

  • He's leaving by: needsalifeline 12 years 11 months ago

    Just an update for those of you that know whats going on in my little world.  My DH is leaving after Christmas, he needs to finish out the semester and I need to have a vehicle until I can figure out how to get to work (30 minutes away) without one.  He has decided that he has never loved me and wants his ex (from 10 years ago) back because she has kids and is pregnant with another that he is going to adopt.  I cannot have more children due to a medical issue and for him (after 6 years!!!) this is a deal breaker.

    It hurts and I'm totally sick of crying, but it is what it is.  Better to know ahead of time than be blindsided!  Love to all of you...your awesome!

  • "I'm not talking about this now!" by: can'tgettherefr... 12 years 11 months ago

    Hi all, I'm new to this site, but I've been reading it with ever-opening eyes for the past few days. I just realized that I am a woman with ADD and my husband and I are on our way to a classic control/parent/child situation. I am so relieved to have found this sight. All these years I thought I was lazy and undisciplined and now I find answers, people describing themselves, conversations, and situations that could be me. 

    My (immediate) question is this. I was reading through one of the other posts and I came across someone talking about trying to talk to her ADHD husband and having him shut her down by saying "I am not talking about this right now!" She described this by saying he was "attacking" her.

    Reading this exchange absolutely floored me. I say this ALL THE TIME to my husband. But when I say it I feel like I am protecting myself from a conversation that has quickly spiraled into yelling and blaming, where nothing I will say will satisfy him, and where it is just rehashing the same thing over and over again. I never even considered that this might be perceived by my husband as me attacking him.

    I guess my question for other ADHD people is, Do you find yourself saying this or similar phrases a lot? And for similar reasons or different ones?

    And my question for the non-ADHD spouse is do you hear your spouse saying this a lot? Do you perceive this as them attacking you? Does it ever work as the ADD spouse intends (that is, to stop the conflict for that moment). And is there anything else they could say to you in this situation that would make you realize "I'm am feeling completely overwhelmed by your anger right now, can we please shift gears?" I guess I could say that, but it rarely occurs in the heat of the argument. Or would that make you angry as well?

    I mean, I said this TODAY to my husband. I say it when I feel like he has the bit in his teeth, so to speak, and nothing I say is going to convince him of my point of view. And that nothing I say or do "now" is going to help. It's a phrase born of complete hopelessness, at least for me. Feeling hopeless that he will ever NOT be angry at me.

    But I can see from the non-ADD point of view (and what my husband always says) is that there is NEVER a time when that is a good time to talk about this for me. I just want to know if there's anyway past this particular communication impasse. Because I guess, from my point of view, I feel like we ARE always having this conversation about how I screwed something else up, or failed in some way, and my husband feels like we are NEVER having this conversation in a way that satisfies him (i.e. I guess, that makes me "change"). What would have to be said on both sides to make it seem like communication is happening?

    If this issue was addressed on one of the other forums, I'd love to be pointed to it.

  • Telling me to stop thinking out loud by: summerwine 12 years 11 months ago

    Kind of a vent I guess. I think out loud. I say out loud what I think. the medication helps stop it a little but I can't stop. I need to think out loud. I need to hear what I am thinking to make it make sense. I don't realise I am doing it its just how I think. Its harder to think in my head. My boyfriend hates it he hears me talking in another room and comes in wanting to know if I am talking to him. He also says only crazy people talk to themselves. I think that's supposed to be a joke but it hurts. I am trying to think out loud more quietly but now he says that just bugs him more! URGH! THIS IS HOW I THINK! QUIT PICKING ON ME! Thanks

  • So long..for now... by: SherriW13 12 years 11 months ago

    Hi all. I wanted to come and give a quick update and say so long for now. 

    It has been almost 3 months since I started working on myself and trying to come to terms with my issues and give my husband space to work on his. It has been a very emotional 3 months (a lot of which I haven't shared) and I have struggled to find reasons to stay and they just weren't coming. If being kind and friendly were all it took, we'd be OK, but it isn't...and I have just grown increasingly lonely and increasingly aware that my husband, the one who thought I was a wonderful, deserving person, is gone. The least little issue and he is the same defensive "get the *uck out of my face" person he was 3 months ago...6 months ago...12 months ago. I have prayed and asked God to please let me know if things were not going to change between us because I cannot continue to wait forever...but promised I would wait until he gave me a sign. (as if doing NOTHING together for 12 months wasn't enough...or his drinking...or his defensiveness towards me...or his not going to church...) It is obvious he just does not love me the way I need to feel loved. I have earned my spot in his mind...as his enemy...I accept that...but it doesn't mean I have to live with it.

    Tonight my SD and I had an issue, I felt it was handled civilly, and it was over. She texted him, which means, in his mind, that I "started sh!t" with her, and I had enough. Seven long years he has treated me sooo poorly, humiliating me, embarrassing me, disrespecting me, and allowing her to do the same..and still does. she moved out 18 months ago. He didn't ask my side, he just immediately was furious because she told him that I said my daughter could not puppy sit for her while she worked...and that was apparently just a huge injustice of some type. My daughter (who is most likely ADHD) cannot take care of herself...it would fall on me, and I CANNOT DO IT!! 

    Long story short, I told her to stay out of my life, that I was tired of her passive aggressive attempt to cause trouble, and that she was nothing but poison. Not my best moment, but if I don't start doing something for myself, to defend myself, in that situation..no one ever will. When a person has had enough, it doesn't matter who it is...enough is enough.

    She responded with 4 texts messages that confirmed everything I has suspected all along "when will you learn, he will always choose me over you" "I will always be a part of his life, accept it or move on" etc. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she gets this information from him and I am not willing to be married to a man who would put this kind of idea in ANYONE'S head about where I stand in his life. I won't be 2nd to anyone anymore. I choose to be alone instead.

    So, now I have to put in some very serious work finding a job and doing what I can to make sure my family is taken care of. I have an agency that might pay me to stay home with my kids...since my son is disabled...at least until I can find a job. Anyway, I appreciate all of the help and support and kind words from all of you. I need to really put this ADHD thing, my SD, and my codependency behind me and just move on...before it kills me. I have accepted a lot, but accepting that I am obviously second in his life not only in my mind, but in hers as well...and knowing that his words are responsible for that is something I can't get past. I can't. God help me, I just can't. 

    Praying for you all...I will be back when I gather my bearings and hopefully have put this entire mess behind me. I am extremely heartbroken...but I feel God has given me the sign I was looking for and now I just have to figure out how I am going to provide for my kids...that's my main concern right now. Prayers would be very appreciated. I know God works miracles...but I don't think one is forthcoming for my marriage.

    God bless you all..have a wonderful Christmas. 

    Sherri

     

  • Drip, drip, drip by: gardener447 12 years 11 months ago

    I'm having huge struggles staying in the right frame of mind today.  This story is not about abuse, abandonment, joblessness, over-spending, etc., but it's like torture in that there have been thousands of these little stories in my long marriage and they just keep piling up (on?).  I just can't sweep them away fast enough to keep a loving frame of mind.

    I've been out of bed for 10 minutes, he's 5 minutes from leaving for work. Him: "I wish I had a shirt that wasn't wrinkled."  Me:  Wear a different one.  Him:  I couldn't find any.  (Since I do all the laundry, I immediately leap to a bad place and start wondering what happened... I'm pretty sure I did laundry 6 days ago, and I'm pretty sure he has at least a dozen shirts suitable to the occasion, and I'm pretty sure at least half of them were hung up unwrinkled.  But for some strange reason I trust him, and don't look in the closet!)  Me:  When do you have to leave.  Him:  About a minute?  (why is this a question -- doesn't he know?).  Me:  It definitely needs to be ironed.  Him:  (unbuttoning) Could you iron it for me while I take stuff out to the car?  Me:  Okay.  (I'm still wondering where the hell all the clean shirts went.  Did he wear them and change at work?  I once found 3 pairs of pants, 4 shirts, a suit coat and two pairs of shoes in his vehicle.)  So I'm ironing, I hear doors banging, he turns up just as the shirt is finished.  He puts it on, hugs me, says thanks (we're still fine at this point, except I'm mystified about the missing wardrobe.)  Then... then.... why? why? why? he says to me, standing there in my jammies and early morning dishelvedness, "Your hair could really use some work this morning."  Boom.  Is this Stooge #2 -- Deflect?  Did he feel bad that he left finding something to wear to the last minute?  Does he know the fact that he has no clean, unwrinkled shirt might somehow be his responsibility?  Does he feel bad that I helped him out by willingly ironing his shirt?  So he has to zing me, somehow, some way? 

    As I said, this is not a tale of abuse, abandonment, joblessness, overspending........ and reciting it sounds like just so much whining.  Poor me.  It's just more drip, drip, drip.  Guess I better go get started on the laundry.  And I found five good shirts in the closet.  Now who's the idiot.

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