So I've been sitting here for a couple of hours reading a lot of posts about chore wars and power struggles and the resulting resentment.  I'm the non-ADD spouse, but I differ from many here in that I don't mind picking up after my ADD wife.  I'm not talking about her work things or clothes, but if she leaves the coffee creamer out on the counter (almost every day), I simply put it away.  If she sweeps the kitchen but leaves the debris in a pile on the floor, I pick it up.  If she leaves all the lights and TV on upstairs even though she's sitting downstairs watching TV, I'll shut them off without any resentment.  Just a flick of a few switches, no big deal.  I figure it's something easy I can do that isn't worth bickering about.  However, my wife actually gets upset with me when I do these things.  She'll even go to the extent of turning the TV and lights back on to, passively, make her point.  I'll explain that I wasn't trying to make her feel bad.  I just did it because it had to be done and it wasn't a big deal.  But virtually anything that I do to help her, she see as exploiting her weaknesses.  She'll even reopen the garage door if I close it after she was the last one to come in.  I've told her how much it hurts me when I she accuses me of attacking her by picking up after her, but she doesn't seem to care.  She would rather I just leave that stuff for her even if it bugs me. 

This pertains to picking up clutter also.  I know that she's wired differently and clutter isn't her strong suit, so I try to make an extra effort to keep things organized, and get rid of stuff that isn't being used or is old.  But she freaks out whenever I take initiative to get organized whether her stuff is involved or not.  I never throw out anything of hers, but the kids and I will go through their stuff and separate trash/donation/repurpose, but she'll pull it out of the garbage and start telling us that we're throwing away perfectly good stuff - i.e. pieces of incomplete toy sets, doll clothing with no matching dolls,  boxes of old crayons (even though we're keeping hundreds of more crayons), outgrown worn out shoes.  I've told her that it makes me feel like a prisoner in my own home when I can't even clean without being yelled at (not the nicest thing I've ever said), but it's true.  I've always prided myself on staying organized, but because she can't seem to stay organized, she resents me for it AND I DON'T EVEN FAULT HER. 

Just today she attacked me for asking her why she was cleaning the bathroom floor not 3 minutes after I cleaned it.  I probably should have just dropped it, but I know that she saw me do it and was just being passive aggressive again.  For some reason in her mind she thought that it was her responsibility and she was mad that I did it.  I had absolutely no problem doing it, and in fact felt good about it.  I suspect it was probably on some list she had for the day, and I upset her schedule by doing it, but she never shares any of her coping schemes with me.  I guess I'm just supposed to stay out of the way, but that completely diminishes my self worth and that pisses me off.  I tell her all the time that I want to work on how we coordinate our lives, so we're not stepping on each others toes, but she takes this as me trying to control her.  She just wants to do things her way without any regard for what I want.  Is this just her trying to assert power over me?  I know she has very low self esteem and is trying so hard to will her way through all the household stuff, but I have a very hard time with her resenting me helping out with things that I do not mind doing.  She's told me that she's always had this dream of being the "perfect mom" since she was a kid.  She's given herself some ideal to live up to that not even a non-ADDer could match, but she'll be damned if her husband is going to help her.  Will she ever let go of this anger or shame or whatever she's holding inside that makes her feel so worthless when I do something to help her?  She's even gone as far as trying to repair her broken car window when I am clearly better equipped to handle this.  She is not mechanically inclined and I work on the cars all the time, but it's like she has something to prove to me. 

This behavior has really ramped up over the last year when I've really started pushing her to address her ADHD more vigorously.  In this respect, I admit trying to control her, but this is something that needs to be addressed or our marriage will be bye-bye.  But now she's lashing back by trying to relinquish me of any power and is diving into further denial that she has ADHD.  BTW, she was diagnosed about 2 years ago, but has never had any kind of successful therapy.  Tried Adderall, but little improvement.

Can any ADDers out there help me understand what she's feeling and what you may have done to overcome the attacks on your non-ADD spouses?

Hey people,

Great to subscribe to this forum after a) recently getting diagnosed with ADHD (I'm 39yrs old), b) finally 'getting' what is causing my relationship of 22 (& marriage of 13) yrs to dysfunction as badly as it has done and c) starting focused therapy and medication in a few weeks.

Reading the first chapters of the book on the ADHD Effect was like reading a biography of our marriage. In our case, I'm the guy with the ADHD and, next to my wife, I have two girls (2yr old and a 6 months baby) to take care of. The past three years have been an emotional roller coaster. Obviously due to the birth of our 2 daughters, which were life-changing events for the positive. Also because of a diagnosis of MS and an (unrelated) miscarriage for my wife in the same period. Finally because I had to leave my business through problems in the ownership and my wife had to leave her job since it was making her very unhappy. I'm working as a consultant now in volatile market conditions, while my wife juggles a psychology masters with caring for the kids.

I'm sharing this to help explain why we even got to my diagnosis, as the ADHD totally has gone out of hand through all these stress-inducing circumstances. I know we've got a long road ahead and will need to tackle each issue the ADHD is causing or worsening, but the one that I have most difficulty with is the (lack of) emotional and motivational control. I used to be a very optimistic, happy and positive person, but at home I'm now quick to anger and very hard to deal with. My temper was the reason for me to look for help. First I thought I was depressed, but fortunately a good psychologist got me off the anti-depressants and diagnosed ADHD. This was part of marriage therapy we are going through.

Finally, my question: do you have any really smart -practical- tips on how to prevent escalation from small irritations? I am trying to work on the "length of the fuse", but in the meantime I need a way to "get away from the fire". I'm especially allergic to emotional opinions about my performance/behavior and any stress levels around organization (of kids, home). I also realize I cannot prevent these, but I'm feeling "physically" incapable of -not- getting angry. In my newly raised anger, I often "race" through a discussion in my head before the first argument is mentioned, often wrongly interpreting my wife's motivation in the meantime. This leads to only bigger problems because it's now about my anger and not about the topic. If I try to get away from the situation, my wife is relentless (bless her!). Sometimes this helps, more often it makes my head "explode". I just have to get out of the situation and will do anything (most often: use verbal insults) to get her to stop talking to me. I feel very bad about that later off course, but haven't been able to stop it yet. I have to mention I'm not on any medication yet as that is just starting.

Hoping for some good advise, next to the great book!

I'm in a relationship with a friend who's undiagnosed. We were friends for a few years before. His ADHD is driving me up the wall. I understand the communication issues because I have them but I make the effort especially as we are in a long distance relationship. I've always made an effort with more or less success depending whether medicated or not but I'm aware.

I also have dyspraxia which means I'm severely disorganised and have a very bad sense of time. I can be oblivious and have had my fair share of foot in mouth moments. I can't speak on the phone for long but I try for a few minutes as I know it's important.

What I'm finding massively irritating is his selfcenteredness. if I've done something to hurt someone, I' ll apologise as I'm aware I don't always pay attention. But no he's always been like that and that's the end of it. I get overwhelmed (try dealing with ADHD, dyspraxia, anxiety, auditory processing issues and fatigue so don't give me the excuse of he's so overwhelmed) but I try.

Everyone inhis social circle lets him get away with it. I.m not saying try harder, the poisonous words for ADHd but I always explore differ ent ways of doing stuff not just deal with it.

The particular issue was I came home from another country. I study and work there. I spent two days with him in his city. We live in different cities in our home country. I was leaving two days later, we initially decided to go out the following night with some friends. He called to cancel. Fine so meet the following day, my plane leaves in the evening so no issues. Guess who calls to cancel again. he's tired and off to have lunch with his mother. This while my dad is driving me there. I did mention I was leaving that day. To another country.

He's sorry and I'm not without my faults, I'm late whenever we meet. I.nm still very hurt we've known each other for 6 years.

I would like to know how people told their spouse that they suspect he (she) has ADHD.  What worked, what didn't, what would you have done differently?

My initial research into trying to figure out what was up with my husband was by googling 'narcissism'.  He's self-centered, lies/embellishes constantly to make himself appear better or different than he is, and doesn't seem capable of coming up with original thoughts (he will take my ideas and talk about them as if they were his own, or he repeats what I've said as if he said it).  He works overtime to appear charming to everyone.   I don't think he has a real sense of who he is.  He expects his teenage kids to hang out with him and be his friend (i.e. assumes our son and his friends will want to include him in their plans when they're hanging out at our house).  Narcissism didn't seem to fit the bill because those people seem to be extreme - i.e. stronger personality disorders.  My husband is not so extreme:  more just general immaturity, not empathetic, not self-aware of how he comes across.  My husband was a klutz when he was a kid (according to the funny stories told by his siblings).  His brother had extreme anger management issues as a child (which I found out by mistake when my husband let it slip one time).  But, my husband has created an image of himself and the family he comes from, as if they are wonderful, perfect leaders in the community.  No honesty about the problems that his (and virtually every family) has.

I had been journaling my thoughts for a few years and finally went to a therapist to learn some coping mechanisms.  She took one look at what I had written (about a trip we had taken with our kids, how he was so incapable of coping with the fun part of travel - the part where it's okay to not have complete control, it's okay to get a little lost and figure things out and be open to adventure) and she IMMEDIATELY said, "your husband has ADHD".  This shocked me because it had never occurred to me.  He's quite successful at his business (as the therapist said, of course - he has two assistants), so it's not the usual "can't hold a job" story of men with ADHD.  The therapist said "it's no accident that he married you" because I keep things organized at home and completely take care of the kids.  He's like having a fourth child, though.  He does a lot of work around the house but never the more important things or basics such as turning off lights, locking doors, finishing kitchen clean-up (ie wiping up counters).

Does he have ADHD?  I don't know - I still don't completely understand it.  But assuming he does, how does one goes about 'diagnosing' a spouse and having that be accepted?  He tries to control his anger but would blow at this accusation,  and be in complete denial about possible ADHD.  I have no doubt that he would turn the tables on me and accuse me of everything he possibly could ("everything would be fine in our marriage if you would just . . . ").

Any personal stories you can share would be appreciated.  Thanks.