Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Marriage, Love and Lies by: silver-surfer 12 years 11 months ago

    Hello Group,

     

    Well firstly let me introduce myself, I am a 35 year old male recently diagnosed with severe ADHD here in the UK.

    Now here in the UK there isn't really the support network that some of you have in the US, or that many forums so this is how I've found myself here, so story so far.

     

    Basically over most my adult life I have had numerous relationships never lasting more than around 2 years or as short as 1 month also had as many jobs i would say often getting bored and frustrated with work and life in general. I met my current partner now wife around 5 years ago in a bar where i met most previous partners often away on some sort of illegal drug at the time, we started dating and things were going well for the first year as always did, drug fueled weekends of fun and going out etc.

    Now as things slowed down, stopped the drugs and going out as much around 2/3 years into the relationship, my severe lack of wanting to be intimate comes along with wanting to talk or anything really we have our rows I generally back down and say will change and start by promising the world etc and lavish my partner with gifts ( I think am a passive yes person ),  this repeats its self several times in the relationship until around 18 months ago where we have a argument I again promise to change the world with more sex, intimacy and look to seek advice this time as I known am different but not why (speaking quickly, never able to sit still, fast thought processes etc etc), so i seek advise from a CBT as she advises that its not CBT i need but i have in fact ADHD and puts me in touch with my current phycartrist, once I had seen her basically she amazed I have gone so far without diagnosis, Full severe ADHD am told, so my partner then says well I thought this from day one.

     

    Ok so we start with the meds and after around 4 months in we split up again this time i move out for 3 months, still taking and trialing different meds until we find Antomixitine works best for me apart from some side effects were on a winner here great, so me and partner agree a holiday to NYC for a week have an amazing time come back full of happy thoughts, agree we should move back together so do and i promise for children, sex and marriage ( the relationship was referred to at this point by both of us it being like living with a sibling as opposed to partner)

    Ok nearly up to date, from around 11 months ago now we get engaged in may and i start looking for a new job in NYC for us to move too, find the perfect job we on such a high everything is going great ( still no sex (10 months now) or much intimacy ) and bam i get the job!!, so for us to go together we get married 3 moths ago, still talking the talk on kids and intimacy.

     

    now current day,

     

    I woke up a few weeks ago to BAM what's going on???...........................am married, promised my now wife kids, intimacy and a life we/she has always dreamed of.

    I haven't a clue what's going on, did i actually want any of this or did I just start another roller coaster which is my life so far, so I've been looking at my life as much as possible often with many sleepless nights sat there thinking what have i done to this person?, I do love her and wish her no harm! but married, kids and intimacy? did i actually want any of this or did i just do it all to please her?, 

     

    I have no idea of what i want?

    I have no idea of what makes me happy any more or don't think i ever have?

    Should i leave this poor women to get on with her life?

    What am i actually doing?

     

     

    I do know i love her but doubt i can give her what's she wants children wise or to feel like i can have the feeling s that she wants and deserves, she thinks that moving will change how i feel/think but i trust it will just be another hyper focus and roller coaster for me to get on constantly pleasing her and everyone lese until this or something likes this happens again,

     

     

    Am at a complete loss of how i am supposed to feel or think and have thought a few times about suicide just to get out of it all as it seems like such a big mess, we still havent had sex been around 18 months i think

     

     

    I would really like anyones thoughts on the above

     

     

    Thanks

    Jud 

     

  • Verbal Cues by: Hoping4More 12 years 11 months ago

    Hi all,

    My wife and I have not been able to come up with a verbal cue that works for me to let my wife know when I find myself not listening to her anymore in a conversation because she is going into more detail than I can take in.  She hasn't been able to suggest anything, and whatever I suggest she doesn't seem to like.  I'd love to hear from people with and people without ADHD to hear what you have found that works.

    Also - I'd like to ask - do you use these cues/words only when it's the two of you, or also when you are with others?

    We've tried using a physical cue of my touching her on the leg under the table when we are with others.  We had agreed that I would do that when I sense that others have lost interest in what she is saying judged by their non-verbal cues, or even their verbal attempt to change the topic.  But when I have tried to use it, she still gets upset, not sensing that she HAS gone on too long, and so thinking that I am being critical or judgmental, "cutting her off too soon."  My way of dealing with that is to decide to give her back the responsibility of monitoring for herself. 

    We have not been able to come up with a verbal cue at all.

  • Help wife leaving Monday! by: Mannym 12 years 11 months ago

    I've never posted here before and I've really not even read any posts. My wife has read a number of posts to me due to their similarity to our life. Most of the time I would glaze over and partially listen but sometimes I would catch details that would remind me of me, of course then I would completely shut down all listening. Well now I'm in dire straits, searching for a way to show her how I really feel, how much she really means to me. Her life with me  has been a roller coaster with each dip dropping lower then the last. We haven't lived in the same residence for more then 3 years in our 20 years together, I have had multiple careers, been successful at each only to quit or be removed for stupid reasons. I opened a business (against her better judgement) and lost everything. Each time I promise Never Again, and I mean it. Then something falls through the cracks and I go to jail or spend the rent money or or or...It has been a never ending cycle and she has finally given up. A number of years ago, we were going through a particular bad period, and I had an emotional affair  with a married woman who formerly worked for me. It was not physical, it was more of me just getting a friendship need filled that because of my ADHD I did not know how to respond to my wife's desperate pleas to reconnect. I hid the affair  until today., when She discovered yet another brainless ADD moment, where I permitted another guy to open a facebook account in my name to prank a friend. The aforementioned woman contacted it and the guy started conversation. He made me aware of it, and I didn't stop him until I felt to guilty to allow him to continue. Even though he did all of the actual contact, it was me essentially replying to this woman and we restarted the affair. after a month I found out my friend had continued the conversation and made arrangements for us to me. It was then I put a stop to it and did not go back to the account. She is devastated, not only did this facebook thing occur but when she confronted me, what did I do-Lie- of course. I'm at a total loss. Things got physical and we both suffered. She called a friend to make arrangements to leave. I hate the fact that she is hurting so bad,which she claims is not hurt but rage, and I want to rectify the entire situation, but I don't know how to convince her that I won't lie anymore.  Any comments or advice will be greatly appreciated. Your experience is greatly valued in this home. I want her to be happy, and I want to rebuild what has been damaged. I need to find a way to show her what exactly she is-a wonderful, intelligent woman, an awesome friend, full of love and generosity, she is everything good thing in my life and the mother of my son. I know she doesn't feel appreciated because I havn't shown her for a long time and even then it was all or nothing. All being huge romantic gestures and nothing being exactly that--nothing. I don't blame her for wanting no needing to leave, which she has plans to do on Monday, but I know I can put forth the required effort to get in check and rebuild, I just need to know how to start. PLease help, I don't want to lose her. She has been apply lessons she is learning from codendency books, and has been trying to help me but I ignored it. I spent most of my time working or playing games or watching tv. She did calm down enough to talk to me while we sart on the floor(safe) and poured out her heart to me that all she wanted was the truth so we could move forward. I suppose the calm way and sincere words helped me open up. She was obviously hurt and said there are only two options, she leaves forever or I get my act together and get the treatment I need and rebuild the trust account.

  • Suggested reading for parents of ADD kids? by: ellamenno 12 years 11 months ago

    Hello everyone,

    over the holiday last week I was talking to a relative who believes her son is ADD.  After talking with her, i agreed.  She was frustrated with his problems in school and was thinking he was rebellious, lazy etc. etc.....  She had been using grounding, taking away his phone etc. to try to motivate him and nothing works.  I spent a LONG time talking to her about my experience (she said, "I WONDERED how you got so skinny!" when I told her about the Adderall). It was a huge eye opener to her to hear it from the other side.  I told her the punishments would NOT work.  They didn't work for me.  IT wasn't that i DIDN'T want the things that were taken away: I just couldn't change the behavior.  She really wants to help her son before he gets depressed from constant failure, has low self esteem and starts self-medicating.

    Anyone have suggested reading for how to go about getting a diagnosis for a 15 year old and how to convince other family members that medication is not evil??  Both the father and step father are of the old school, 'just suck it up and try harder' method.

    Thanks!

    ellamenno

     

  • Stopping the codependence by: lululove 12 years 11 months ago
    Hi All, I guess I'm writing this tonight just to update.. Basically i asked my DH to leave- because though I could and have taken many things that I feel were unkind, unfair, disconnected in our relationship- I had to pull the plug when his physical violence kept getting worse and I started to really fear his loss of control. He does not get it! He still blames me for "pushing him" to act the way he does. Its crazymaking- and for a long time I have been believing it. My friends and family have not been able to understand what I have been feeling -neither have I. I just know that this aspect has to stop- and he has certainly acted like he has given up on any emorional connection to me except for that which we have with the kids. He has been cruel and my codependency arched under the pressure. I guess if there were any hope at this point, it must come with some kind of tangible offering from him but I dont see it happening.So now I am just trying to get my bearings- and hopefully pull up the nerve (and stave off my paralyzing fear of being alone/failing financially/everything else) to move on...and like needsalife has said, deal w my DH not wantinng our relationship enough to work on it with me.
  • How do I support my ADHD Wife? by: Hoping4More 12 years 11 months ago

    I see lots of comments from persons with ADHD in this forum about how in order for real change to take place, the person with ADHD needs support from his/her partner/spouse.  That criticism, judgment, and even just waiting silently will contribute to the person with ADHD's feeling like a TOTAL FAILURE.

    My question for those with ADHD - what does support look like to you?  What are some specific things I can do to show support to my wife.  When I ask her, she says "less criticizing and controlling.  More compliments."

    That sounds good, but when I give her compliments, she immediately dismisses them.

    So, I'm looking for other suggestions.

    Thanks!!

     

  • in love with adhd boyfriend but he's made me so sad i don't know how much more i can handle by: antifemmebot 12 years 11 months ago

    i have been with my adhd boyfriend for 5 years just this november. we have a two month old baby and live together. we had a great first two years of the relationship then it all went downhill in a sense. i love him, but he's become such a burden. i want so badly for things to work out, but i sometimes wonder if he's capable of it or if he even wants to put in the effort at all. i feel like i've become a constant nagger. i ask him to help me do some simple task that i can't easily do myself like put a box away on a top shelf, but he just won't do it. i don't know if he forgets or what. i'll tell him again. he's basically whines and says he doesn't want to. then i have to continually ask for him to do it to make a point of it. i know such a little thing is silly to leave someone over, but this has been going on for years. 
     

    in addition, he is horribly addicted to marijuana, and i am too but not as much. when he wants me to buy a sack (bc he doesn't have a job), he will ask "can we get a gram?" over and over and over and over again if i say no. i admit, i should just say no, but like i said i am kind of addicted too so when he puts that pressure on me, it makes it difficult to say no. on top of that, he steals money from his parents and me and even from our little baby's piggy bank to get weed and cigarettes. i know that sounds awful, but he didn't do that before he was addicted to marijuana. speaking of feeling pressured tho he's always asking me to buy him things. its really annoying, because i don't even know if he realizes how little money i have. 

    and i know he has time management issues, but it seems he's made no effort in working on this. however, the worst part is that sometimes he'll promise he'll do something with me, but he'll end up forgetting or when it comes time, i'll call him, and he'll ignore my calls. this is the worst part. it really makes me feel like crap. a couple years ago, it happened quite often when i'd be all ready to go out, call him, he would say he's coming over, half an hour passes, i call him back, he doesn't answer. i would still wait for him thinking maybe something was holding him up, then he'd never come that night at all. :-*( that really was the rockiest point in our relationship. i was going thru a rough patch myself. however, everytime he's late or doesn't pick up my calls now, i automatically think the worst. many times its an overreaction. it seems like a form of ptsd in a way.

    after that rough patch, i was scarred. even though things are better now (except for the weed addiction), i still find myself having major issues with our relationship. i really want him to make me feel like im special again. apart from our first anniversary, he hasn't done anything special for my birthday or our anniversary or valentines day. i end up very depressed on these days because of that, and it makes me wonder if this is what i should expect for years to come. i don't know if i could handle that. i want him to appreciate me because i do so much for him. i do it because i love him, but the fact that he doesn't show any affection makes me feel taken for granted. it hurts so much that i don't know how many more years i can take. for the sake of my daughter, i want to make things work tho.

    i know what some of u may be thinking, "how could you be in love with this guy?" he really is very intelligent, funny, and smart. we have the best arguments and best what-if scenario conversations. he's a very talented songwriter and multi-instrumentalist. we agree on a lot of things, but he acts like an undisciplined little boy. i want him to realize how much he hurts me, and to really let me know how much i mean to him. *sighs*

    is there any hope out there?

  • New 2 forum, need tips keeping lovin' ADD husband! by: Dallaswife 12 years 12 months ago

    Hi all! 

    I just stumbled upon this forum a few days ago, and have already been helped by what I've read so far. We have recently discovered that my husband has got ADD and that it explains almost all the hardship we've experienced in our relationship this far. We got married in May this year after a long distance relationship for 1.5 years. The problems were also visible before, but they hit us full force when we moved in together permanently. (Due to different locations, we couldn't 'live together' for more than 2 months during our relationship.) He is 31, I'm 37 years old. There's been drinking and driving and jail for him, car wrecks, loss of jobs, cheating on me before we were married, drug addiction (long time ago,) alcohol addiction (long time ago,) porn addiction (recently,) and the list goes on and on with the challenges we've met so far. Despite that, I love him to bits. 

    He's the most caring, fun, intelligent and wonderful person out there. The problem is also that his ADD is really starting to bug me, even after just a few months of dealing with it. We keep fighting about stupid stuff like: he forgot things, or he misinterpreted when/how to do things, needs constant reminding, has these little outbursts that will make him either angry and yell and or cry for no good reason and he has poor impulse control. He is forgetful and distant and fails to understand simple requests sometimes, feels easily overloaded. However, he is good with money, he is loving towards me (i.e not distant,) he is aware of his problems and he is trying to make amends. First step for us is to get him properly diagnosed and see if there are any drugs that can help him, although there is no doubt he's got ADD. The diagnosing can take a few weeks where we live. Second step is to learn how to deal with it so that he gets less frustrated and overwhelmed and I feel less like his mom. That's an important step and that is what I need you guys' help for. What is crucial for us to do, in order to experience less friction in our every day life i.e housework? I've heard that lists can backfire. I was thinking that we could calmly sit together and find tasks that he likes to do and that can be his permanently. He knows I'm expecting more of him now, in the house as I'm working more than full time and he is unemployed, and I've told him that the minute he gets a job, we'll revise the tasks. He is ok with that and loves helping us. He has had 2 simple tasks up until now, and that has worked out fairly well. I do not complete them even if he forgets to sometimes. Should we skip the lists and just stick to the tasks he will know he's responsible for? And I will have to not do them and not nag him, even if he forgets? Or is it ok to give a reminder? I really hate that I'm feeling like I'm his mom, I have understood now that he's trying his best, when I before thought he was being lazy and forgetful. 

    How can I reach him when he's closed down because of an emotional outburst? I normally give him a hug and a kiss and tell him I love him and try to resolve, but again, it makes me feel like his mom. Any tips? 

    I'm starting to feel worried about having kids next year, as we're planning to. I am worried about ending up with 2-3 individuals in my house with ADD and I'm also worried he might forget to dress them, feed them, change them, take them home from the store etc.etc. Any tips there? He has had dog experience and it went fairly well, with the exception of forgetting to give her water a few times... 

    I love my husband so much and I'd really like us to achieve a good balance in our relationship. Helping him is helping us, that's my motto :) I realize he isn't so affected by his ADD as other people I'm reading about here, but it is starting to become a huge problem and I'd like to get the tips I can from you who've been there and try to do the best we can with the experience you've got. (Understanding that we have our unique situation of course, since people are different.) 

  • How do you get help when you are in financial ruins? by: tjair 12 years 12 months ago

     

    Hi Everyone.  First time posting, so sorry if this topic has been addressed before. 

    I'm a spouse of an ADHD husband (married 9 years)... I love him dearly and we've been through a real lot together.  It really helps our situation that I'm a very laid back, very patient individual.  I understand adhd top to bottom, have done extensive research on it and understand it fully. 

    Years ago (04 i think), after his son was diagnosed - I asked him to get tested as well.  He did indeed do that, and was diagnosed as having adhd along with another substantial verbal memory deficit.  After that, I was relieved...  figured this was the turning point to him getting the help he needs.   Years go by,  but despite my continued pleading.... he never moves forward with actually addressing any of these diagnosis, as well as continued to self-medicate in a way that I don't approve of. 

    Despite the disappointment that I truly believe that our lives would be highly improved all around if he had moved forward with taking the time to understand his adhd and doing the things necessary to help the symptoms, I adjusted my life and continued to make things work and learned to let a lot of things go so that we could go on with our lives.  After all,  I still love him, despite his struggles...... he is a wonderful person underneath all those symptoms, and I had the willpower and tenacity to make things work.

    Then... I had a beautiful baby girl.   I helped raise my husbands son (my stepson) half the time and enjoyed being a mom.  I wanted to be a mother very very much... but that with my husbands issues and all it's affects on our lives,  it would be highly irresponsible to bring a child into the relationship.  I'm smart enough to know that if you're already struggling, a child only brings further stress both on the relationship, as well as the parenting process.   Then, he got me pregnant.   Apparently, he thought we had a conversation where I agreed we were ready to have a child.  That conversation never took place as I'd never have agreed to that in the situation we were currently in. 

    Now I have the best little girl I could have ever have hoped for..... she's beautiful and wonderful and fills me with joy  ----- and I'm in total hell.   Our relationship is dysfunctional, we are in total financial crisis due to the extra costs of raising and supporting another child (things were bad financially before).   I love my little girl to the ends of the earth and want life to be better for her and our whole family.  We are desperate.   The extra stress and responsibility and pressure has gotten to me.... I feel like a completely different person now... like a monster has taken over me in comparison to the person I used to be.  I'm just so tired physically and emotionally.

    So - this is where I'm at, and here is my question as I believe many other people must be in this same situation (adhd and financial troubles seem to go hand-in-hand in a lot of cases).   I read all the recommendations for how to treat adhd.  Counseling, medication, therapy, coaching... the list goes on.   My husband is again at a point where he says he wants to deal with his issues, and is willing to try.   WE HAVE NO MONEY!  We are just able (and often fall behind regularly) to scratch by month to month so we can stay in our home and eat/electricity, the basics.  We no longer have health insurance, we couldn't afford it after my daughter was born.   There's just nothing extra after we pay to survive.  In our situation, where we're willing to do the work to get help, is it hopeless for us?  We've tried to do it ourselves, but it hasn't worked.   Due to the defensiveness, he's unable to take any "direction" from me to help himself (even though I know a hundred ways we could change what we do day-to-day to improve our issues)...... so that's not going to work.  I believe any direction will have to come from someone else in order for him to actually consider it.  I think he may need therapies/counseling/meds to help him, but if we can't afford to pay for it, what can we do?  I do know that some med companies will give meds for low-cost/free if you  qualify, but we'd still need a doctor to prescribe them.   I don't know what to do from here.  

    Anyone else in the same situation or have any suggestions?  Would love to hear them.  Thanks in advance for your kindness and support. 

     

     

     

  • My wife wants to stop taking her meds by: Hoping4More 12 years 12 months ago

    I haven't posted in a LONG time because things have been going relatively well.  I have learned to be more empathetic about certain behaviors and nag and criticize less, and my wife has been working really hard on managing her ADHD, including taking her meds and seeing a therapist.  We have read Melissa's book and attempt to use some of the techniques contained therein, including doing learning conversations when we find ourselves going in circles.

    A couple of weeks ago, I noticed my wife acting differently, and I asked her if she had taken her meds.  She hadn't.  She said she was running low and she was "conserving" them until she had a chance to see her psychiatrist.  Her appointment was for the next day.

    A couple of days later I asked her again if she had taken her meds, and she hadn't.  She said she was still "conserving" them, and I said - it looks like you have plenty - how long does it take to get the meds?  She said she hadn't mailed the script yet.  I got angry and said "What?!  You've had the script a week now and haven't sent it?  Why not?"  She said she wasn't sure she wanted to keep taking the meds because she wasn't sure they were really making a difference.  That she thought it changed her personality and that she was thinking she could just work harder instead.

    I felt panic rush in.   I said I thought they made a big difference.  I also said "we've worked really hard on this stuff, and everything has said that treating the ADHD with meds is an important part of managing the ADHD. And now you want to just stop taking the meds?!!"  Granted - I said this angrily and probably not as succinctly, but this is the gist of it. She promised she'd mail off the prescription the next day.  And I said, more calmly, I think - "Honey, what's going on?  Why do you want to stop taking the meds?"  And she said she didn't want to talk about it.  I said I though we needed to.  She said not now.  I said - so when then?  She said tomorrow. 

    We didn't talk about it the next day - big mistake.

    The following day, I again noticed her acting in a way that made me think she hadn't taken her meds, so I asked her if she did.  She said she had.  Later in the day, I again asked her, for I knew she hadn't - I could tell by her behavior.  And she again said she had.  Well - and I'm kind of ashamed to admit this - I had counted the pills the previous day when she had said she was "rationing" them, because I was curious how many she had left.  So, I wen and checked, and there were the same number left. 

    So I called her on it.  And she admitted she hadn't.  I got really upset, not just because she hadn't taken her meds, tho that was a big part of it, but because she had flat out lied to me about it.

    You have to understand - one thing I could count on in our marriage was that my wife would always tell me the truth.  She prides herself on being honest, and that is one of the things I really love about her.  I always knew that no matter what, she would not lie to me.

    Well, obviously that rug has just been pulled out from under me.  So I told her I was afraid.  Afraid of what was happening to our marriage.  Afraid because the one thing I thought I could always count on, I no longer can.  And also afraid that if she is deciding not to take her meds, we are going to go back to square one, and I don't want to go through that again.  I left the room in anger.  I avoided her the rest of the night.  I refused to kiss her goodnight (thought I did SAY goodnight.)  And then this morning, we both got ready for work and left without saying a word to each other.

    And I don't know what to do from here.  I am really upset that she lied to me.  But part of me does feel like I am blowing it out of proportion.  The bigger fear is that she is going to decide to stop taking her meds.  Oh, I did toss a zinger at her last night before going to sleep - I said "I hope you think about what the effect will be on our marriage if you decide to stop taking your meds.  I do NOT want to go through all that again!"

    Any advice?

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