Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • ADDers here-Can you please explain the benefits of procrastination? by: Sueann 12 years 12 months ago

    This is one of the worst conflicts we have. If you know you have to do something, what is the benefit of putting it off?

    Example: We have large heavy rolling cans for trash. One for garbage and one for recycling. Today, both had to be out. Trash wasn't picked up last week and the recycling is only every 2 weeks, so it's important. We get home from Thanksgiving at my daughter's and I beg him to do it before he goes to bed, and he won't. He's "too tired." So he has to set the alarm to get up in the morning and do it. This costs us hours of sleep and the chance to lie and cuddle in bed in the morning like we usually do. Then when the alarm goes off, he doesn't get up. Now mind you, I can't do this particular task. I'm handicapped. So to save him 5 minutes last night, he had to lose several hours of sleep and endure me screaming at him for half an hour to get up. Then he went back to sleep (I can't go back to sleep after I wake up.) and I can't find my glasses (Can't see them when they aren't on) so I had to sit and wait for hours until he woke up again to find my glasses.

    So my question is what benefit did he get by postponing a 5 minute task? Wouldn't it have been better just to do it and then we could have slept in the morning until we wanted to get up? What is there about the ADD brain that makes it seem better to procrastinate about something you know you have to do and do it at a less convenient time? Him not spending those 5 minutes wasted several hours of my time. What benefit was it to him?

  • Why does my ADHD husband feel that he gets along with "everyone else but me" ??? by: valsarah 12 years 12 months ago

    I am desperate and feel that my 13 year marriage is on the brink of divorce.  My husband found out a few years ago that he has ADHD (our 7 year old son was diagnosed shortly thereafter with PDD/NOS and ADHD).  I purchased a copy of Melissa's book on the ADHD Effect on Marriage in the hopes that it would help us (well, just me for now).  My husband is on medication now but everyday starting usually around noon, his meds seem to wear off and he is very quick to anger and verbal abuse.  Today, he asked me.. "So, what's wrong? Are you just always going to be like this?"  I told him I feel like I am walking on eggshells because I don't know if what I want to say to make him angry.  Then, I took a chance and brought up the idea of looking into help for his ADHD and how it may be affecting our marriage.  Oh!!!! He blew up, "I see..  so it's ALL MY FAULT?!" he yelled.  I calmly explained that I had been doing some research and bought a book about it and it really seemed to describe our problems.  He went on with, "Let me guess... this book, was it written by a WOMAN?!?!?"  This is typical of the rude comments I hear daily from him.  It is really wearing me down, emotionally.  I feel that I don't have much fight left in me, but I am scared to be on my own with no job, no money, 3 dear pets and my son - very scary thought, but I can't stand this much longer...

    As I was trying to put Melissa's book in a "nutshell" description (my husband does NOT like to read) he asked me, "Well, tell me then why do I get along with everyone but YOU???  Everything in my life is fine except for You." (more hurt...)

    Please help Dr. Orlov (and anyone else!!!)  I don't know what to do.  I feel like I am putting on an act and have lost who I am as a person!

    Thank you so much,

    Sad in Florida

  • What is my next step? by: isloveenough 12 years 12 months ago

    I have been in a 2 1/2 year relationship with someone I love. There is no doubt in that. But he has ADD and I have trouble reconciling who he wants to be with who he actually is.

    My boyfriend, who I hope will someday be husband, is well aware of his ADD shortcomings and he actively tries tactics to battle the symptoms: forgetting to do things, procrastination, inability to 'see' what needs to be done without being told. He takes medication that I don't think is working, but does not see a therapist or have a defined work plan. He is very intelligent, but he can stare at a homework assignment for hours and not be able to get it done. 

    I love him, but I am terrified of feeling like he isn't my true partner in life and that I will constantly have to work to make sure his 'intent' matches any follow through. I am worried that even with his intelligence and love of learning that he will be unable to have a steady job or even unable to do things that I make clear to him that  have to get done. 

    I am a very organized and capable person, so this is particularly hard for me. I try so hard to be understanding when he forgets to buy be a birthday present even after I remind him or he doesn't write an email to a teacher to make sure he passes a class. His intentions are always so good, but they only occasionally are congruent with his actions. 

    What can I do? 

    I am torn between love and my need to have a real partner in life. 

  • Giving Thanks by: gardener447 12 years 12 months ago

    In the spirit of the holiday (which really should happen at least once a week), I'd like to post a gratitude about my spouse, and encourage others to do the same.  Many counselors and "happiness" experts recommend a gratitude journal to keep life in perspective. 

    I am grateful for knowing and loving a man who is so often upbeat and positive about our life.

     

  • Holiday by: newfdogswife 12 years 12 months ago

    HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE.

    Newfdogswife

  • I have just had my A-ha! Moment by: is_this_it 13 years 11 hours ago

    Well Where to start?

    I have been trawling this site (what a godsend it is) for the best part of 4 days and nights (as time and energy will allow at least). I thought it was time I joined to  find some support for myself and to try and gain some insight into my deeply distressing situation.

    A bit of back history for you

    Firstly I will introduce myself, I am Natalie, I am from the UK and I am married to what I think, is an ADHD spouse. To make matters worse and more complicated, he is not English, he is Turkish, though he speaks English brilliantly (he probably learned it with the same level of hyperfocus it took to woo me)  

    To begin with I kind of thought that his "foibles" where infact part of his cultural heritage and mostly brushed them off, our courtship was intense and he showered me with love and affection unlike any other man I had known, I felt as if I was in a misty heart shaped bubble and my usual rational mind went for an extended leave as I fell for the rouse hook line and sinker.

     Our relationship was long distance for a while, so we were only ever our best selves in each other's company. We were engaged within a year and after two I was pregnant with our Daughter. It was after this point, that the period of bliss, that I now like to call "lala land" abruptly began to disintegrate. I duly did what any pregnant and soon to be married women would (well a co-dependant one at least) I clung on for dear life...trying to fix him, trying to fix us, trying to make it work. It was then, that when I think about it, the tables turned and I became the only one invested in the relationship on any sort of level, he just sort of breezed along.

    Where I am at now

    Fast forward 2 and a half years of living with each other and being married and I can tell you stories that would make you laugh, or cry or feel pity, or probably likely the same rage that I am fueled with on a daily basis. In our first few weeks of living together, once he had moved back from Turkey, I found text messages on his phone from some other woman, our daughter was 5 weeks old. The messages themselves were ones he sent (he deleted any incriminating evidence of any received messages as he often does) kind of insinuating that he was coming to work in the UK, not to marry me, live a family life with our daughter. Anyway, that dented our relationship from the outset.

    Then he finds old pictures of me with other men (shock horror) not in any kind of passionate tryst or anything and his attitude to me completely cooled off. We then endured two years of living with my negatron mother, which cumulated in such deep sadness and anguish on all our parts that I told him to get out in March this year (after telling me for the 9 millionth time he wanted a divorce)

    We continued to see each other, he got a room locally and on the weekends we would act like a normal family, that is between 10am and 6pm, after which he would go back to his garret and drink himself into a stupor.

    He liked his own space and his own timetable so much that he stayed that way until july, when he asked could we get our own place together again. I was full of trepidation, but after a while, I felt like I needed to give my marriage the best shot I've got, so I moved into a new home with him. My dream was back in place, the man I loved had returned to me and it was so lovely...That is, until 4 weeks after moving in together, in a new area, away from my family and friends, I found it. The bank statement with the evidence. He had been out all night with friends "drinking" on  more than 2 occasions since we moved back in together - but I found on at least 2 of those occasions he had in fact been in a hotel with another woman.

    Of course he tried to deny it, he tried to blame me for opening his bank statement, he tried to say I was possessive controlling and jealous (why, of course I am!) He said it was for a "friend" I was shaking with shock and rage, I didn't know what to do, say, think, or feel. I was devastated, I still am. Eventually he fessed up, but he minimized the whole thing "it was just sex" "I think I finally found someone that is just like me, she just wanted sex too" I found out that they had frequently had sex while we were separated and that he had spend a large sum of  money on sex toys to boot, none of which were for me, I may add.

    Of course he begged me for forgiveness and because I am a woman of faith, I chose to try and work on that. BUT I wanted so desperately to feel loved by him still, that I didn't set boundaries, I just let him continue to walk all over me, I wanted our new life to work, I wanted my dream. So I let him continue to dictate the order of our lives (or this disorder), continue to walk around the place leaving a trail of destruction and mess (he cant even put Landry in the basket, rather on the floor BY the basket) continue to act with reckless abandon, to engineer arguments so he could flee and go drinking himself into a stupor. I felt like I was an utterly abused wife, with no one and no where to go. All my family and friends had long since given up the battle to make me see "sense".

    I have  discovered that he was told at school that he was "hyperactive" his schooling ended abruptly for his explosive reactions in the classroom and he was constantly running away from home and getting involved in reckless and addictive behaviors (gangs, drinking, smoking hash). He also worked in a holiday area for a time and had numerous flings and one night stands - I am the only long term relationship he has been involved in... now I am starting to see why.

    In the 2 and a half years Since living together, he has "run away" from our home, slept rough in the park, fallen down the stairs drunk, passed out on the kitchen floor, been found in the crawl space in the attic passed out with a bottle of whiskey had blind drunken rages, been in and out of the "big bed" to self exile. They are just some examples of his darkest moments, of which there have been many. He repeatedly says he wants a divorce when I challenge him to look at his behavior, he blames me, the nagging, controlling wife, the needy depressive monster, that I have become (in his opinion)

    Last night however was a new low, where I was so enraged at his inability to show me love and affection, he said he didn't love me, and that we should just live together as friends because it's better that way - so we don't have to hurt each other. That was because I even mentioned ADHD is a possibility.  He then starts his mantra of "you are sick, you make me depressed" and threatens to take me off to the hospital. He then of course turns it all around on me, and states coldly, stop crying you are making me feel hurt. HIM.... HIM! This is where my rage starts to boil and I throw anything that isn't nailed down at him and then fall in a heap on floor sobbing. He just sat there, looking at me and then called my dad. Eventually he came over and held me, and said I am not the woman he fell in love with - maybe that I pretended to be someone else during the time we were falling in love.... Does that sound familiar? ERM Hello. That is YOU mister.

    On the up shot, he is a loving father who would do anything for his daughter, who is now a toddler,  and is regimented about some things, he cant stand mess or noise, except certain music of his choice and I know our Daughter who is also showing signs of hyperactivity, stresses him out when she cries.

    But he despises my daughter (17 year old from a previous relationship) and says that she is a "spoiled disrespectful bitch" they used to get on fine, but she cant stand his hypocrisy and neither can I. All my family find him abrupt and strange (confidence issues I think) and my friends just steer clear. The only person who has any time for him aside from me and his friends, is my Father, who has rooted for us all the way. Sadly though, now even he is telling me that it is time to seriously consider what I want.

    I am really at the point where I am so ready to throw in the towel. I have tried everything and more to make him happy, to make our relationship work, but now it's having too much of a detrimental effect on me, where I am so love-lost and I am grieving the relationship and the man I had. This person, I don't even know.

    I believe marriage is for life and I truly do not want a divorce, but right now, it seems like my only option. I cant live in a house where he expects I act like the maid, hold down a full time professional career (I also earn far more than him - which he likes to spend on the aforementioned frivolities) and be chief cook and bottle washer and night time nurse for our daughter. He has a job, granted and that is his current area of hyper-focus and is well liked in the workplace, even though his temper gets the better of him there too from time to time.

    I just do not know what my next move is, except to work on myself, to try and stop reacting to him and his whim's and detach. But surely this is not marriage? And How do I do that?

    Sorry for the long introductory post, but I am just in that place at the moment, trying to make sense out of it, trying to understand and accept it and trying to move on.

     

    Natalie

     

     

  • To ADHDers with angry, withdrawn or rejecting spouses by: gardener447 13 years 12 hours ago

    Disclaimer:  All of this applies to BOTH spouses - I only address it here in this way because so many ADHDers, guys in particular, are working on their ADHD, but their spouses have already checked out and won't give an inch or join the party. 

    I wrote a while back about my need for genuine apologies instead of fake ones.  I thought I wanted to hear "I'm sorry, that was wrong (rude, thoughtless, mean) and I apologize."  I've been thinking on this now and then, and something I read recently connected with something I read long ago, and I wanted to explore it.  The thing I read long ago was to the effect of "A human's greatest relationship need is to feel known."  And I extended that by thinking if someone "knows" me and still wants the relationship, that is a wonderful feeling.  The thing I read just recently was about validation.  Validation is seeking to understand, acknowledge and accept someone's feelings, even if you don't agree with them.  Even if you think they're overreacting, or misinterpreted a situation or motive.  Even if you absolutely know the facts don't support that person's feelings.    Validation is hard for everyone.  Because we so want to prove we're right when we know we're right.  Because we think if we explain to someone how they shouldn't feel that way, they will feel better.  Because if the partner's feelings come from something they say we did wrong, we have to defend ourselves because we didn't "mean it".   But without validation, your partner cannot feel "known" and safe.  Cannot trust.  Can. Not.    And validation is key to feeling like your spouse is on your team.  So why did I address this to you ADHDers with spouses who are not onboard with you, now that you are here and working it?  Because I suspect, that in addition to validation being hard for everyone, it is extra hard for those with ADHD.  The Three Stooges may have been your most fool-proof coping mechanisms for keeping a lid on your ADHD.  They are the three most effect killers of validation.  How do you try this out?  Ask.  Listen.  Rephrase and confirm.  Repeat.  When you feel the conversation has gone on too long, remind yourself that you have been making withdrawals from the trust bank for years, and it probably won't kill you if you have to be patient now and then to make some deposits. And remind yourself that your sense of how long this conversation has actually lasted may not be accurate. 

    I'd like to give examples of what is not validation and what is.  I'd also like to give examples from where I am right now (doing okay) and from where I have sometimes been (angry, withdrawn or rejecting).  Good day means I start out neutral.  Bad day means I already expect him to fail me.

    Not validation, on a good day.  Me:  I've really been missing you lately.  Him:  Long pause.  Yeah, me too.  But you know I'm always busy with work this time of year.  (He's eating and watching television.)  (Which is a crime against marriage, BTW.) 

    Validation, on a good day.  Me:  I've really been missing you lately.  Him:  (mutes television and looks at me).  Yeah me, too.  Has this been bothering you long?  (Ask, Listen)  Me:  No, no, just the last week or so.  Him:  This last week we really haven't spent much time together, have we? (Rephrase and confirm).  Me:  Yeah, we've both been so busy.  Him:  Anything particular you'd like to do?  (Ask).  Me:  Maybe after dinner we could take a walk (urg -- I know he's not a fan of walks.)  Him:  You'd like to take a walk, maybe catch up a little?  (Rephrase and confirm).  Me:  (remember this is on a good day, not a martyr day)  Yes, I'd love it.  Him:  Let's do it!  (On a bad day, a martyr day, I'd say, oh, no that's okay, I know you hate walks.  Urg.)

    Not validation, on a bad day.  Me:  We never spend any time together anymore.  Him:  We're together now.   OR Him:  You always say never.  That's just unfair.  OR Him:  We were together all day yesterday!! (It was actually three days ago, for two hours.)    OR:  Him:  You've been gone every night this week (actually just two times, and he was gone the other two nights).  It's not my fault.

    Validation, on a bad day.  Me:  We never spend any time together anymore.  Him:  I'm sorry you feel that way.  Tell me more.  Me:  Well, you keeping agreeing to do things with other people or for other people, and there's no time left for me.  Him:  That sounds like I'm neglecting you and I don't want to do that.  Do you have any ideas for how we can spend some time together?  Me:  I don't know when we'd ever get it done.  I HATE having to schedule our relationship.  You're supposed to WANT to be with me.  Him:  I want you to feel like I do want that, because I do.  How can I help?  (How long might this go on?  Who knows?  But this exchange, while it may seem excruciating to an ADHDer, would probably take about 45 seconds.  How much time are you willing to invest in your marriage?)

    Another validation, on a bad day.  Him:  Hey sweetie how's it going?  Me:  Fine.  Him:  Good day at work?  Me:  There's no such thing as a good day at work.  Him:  Whoa, bummer.  Tell me more.  Me:  Oh, it's the same old crap.  Him:  Not getting any better?  That's really wearing you down, isn't it?  Me:  It's just so frustrating---- followed by 15 minutes ranting about coworker X.  Him:  That sounds so frustrating.  Me:  Oh, whatever.  I'm not going to let it bug me anymore.  Him:  Well, I'm always interested to hear about how it's going.  Me:  Thanks (Hug).  I'm hungry.   Note that it took FOUR questions to get me started.  If he quits after one or two, I'm going to think he's just not interested in how I feel. 

    Couldn't you just scream?  :)  If this feels "unnatural" to you, I'd ask if what you're doing now feels natural, and how well it's working. 

    To recap, cause that's always handy, right?  Ask.  Listen. Rephrase and Confirm.  Repeat.  Your spouse will let you know when they're done.  Watch for the signal and seize on it.  Did you recognize it in the last story above?  You just made a big ol' deposit in your trust bucket. 

    For ADHD relationships this is even more important, because you may have been using the Three Stooges for so long that abandoning them might then throw your spouse for a loop.  Accuse of pretending, sucking up, faking it.  Your spouse needs time to start believing this is for real.  Your spouse does not expect you to get it perfect.  Does not expect 100%.  Just an consistent effort.  Good luck!

  • How long do I hang in by: avcland 13 years 21 hours ago

    I haven't been here in a while.  But it's just getting really bad.  My husband is now starting to deal with his ADHD.  He's doing it w/out drugs because he doesn't want to take anything for the rest of his life.  He is aware that he has been moving slow on getting things done.  He is making efforts.  I'm just spent.  When we get into a tiny arguement, I just shut down.  My back and stomach start to hurt and I feel exhausted.  We have 2 children.  He is a great father.  But I'm so tired of saying that because it's not enough anymore.  We have been in therapy.  It has helped a bit, but we can't afford it anymore because we ran up to high  a bill.  HE is finally working a regular job but it's not enough money.  I've tried to get him to understand that it's great that you have a job, but we need more money, period.  I don't make much, but I'm working 3 part-time jobs now because if I take 1 full-time one I'll probably face a pay cut.  I can't afford it.  I pay all the bills.  For a while, he did it, because I said, you try now.  But now that's over, and though he has a better feel for it, he still really doesn't understand that I need some backup!  Then I get yelled at for not asking the right way, or making him wrong, or whatever.   I'm just tired of being tired.  Financially, we really can't afford the house we live in, but the mortgage is underwater so I can't sell it now.  ANd frankly, if he made just what I made(which ain't much) we'd be fine.

    It's not just money it's the executive functions of everything.  I have to think of EVERYTHING.  He's more than happy to give me a break, but it's not a break really, because everything is there for me to do when I get back.  Tonight, I needed to take a minute after running all day.  I went downstairs.  After about 30 minutes I come back upstairs: child has not eaten dinner though it's been made and in the fridge.  It's the normal time we eat.  All he had to do was warm it up.  I didn't know that you needed that done.  I can't think for you man!  A true break for me is YOU DO IT, so when I get back, it's actually done.  I've been married 15 years. I'm tired.  I have anxiety about having too much to do.  I have not done much for the past few weeks just so I don't have back pain from stress.  I am trying to work on me, but I have two small children, one is still at home.

    How long can I hold out?  I just don't know....

  • Job dissatisfaction... again. by: Divemom3 13 years 1 day ago

    My husband (with ADHD) has been experiencing growing dissatisfaction with his work/career...again. He seems to go 2 years and yearns to change jobs. He is currently in an educational program to support his career it has been an investment of time and money, going on 3 years. I want to be supportive, but these decisions affect me, our children (his step children) and our financial and emotional future together. We've been together 6 years and married for 3. I want him to be happy and satisfied, but I need stability. Advice?

  • So tired of being responsible for EVERYTHING by: kasparl 13 years 1 day ago

    I'm not even sure I need to say anything more than that.  

    It's not that my spouse never does ANYTHING, it's that he can never be counted on to do ANYTHING.  He lacks the organizational skills to have a meaningful career (i.e. got fired 4 times, quit one job with no notice, can make ok money as temp attorney, but again, nothing we can COUNT on).  So he's home with the kids, and since we certainly can't afford private school (due to prior issue) "he" is homeschooling the kids.  Except that I have to find the curricula.  And schedule the county reviews.  And arrange the co-ops.  And make sure the library books are returned.  And create the schedule.  And find and make and print the worksheets.  And remind the kids to do the homework for their co-op classes.  And remind him where the coop classes are and when to go.  And deal with the school board.  And make the kids put their papers away.  And schedule appointments with him to ensure that he grades their papers.  And write or at best help write the lesson plans.  And remind him of the classes he's sposed to teach them, and the books he's supposed to use.  And help my eldest complete his correspondence course.  And find online classes for the kids to take to cover topics he doesn't have time to address.  And deal with the school system for IEP's and such.   And clean up after the kids when I get home.  And make them do chores.  And then clean up HIS mess.

    And make dentist appointments, and doctor appointments, and flu shots, and get prescriptions, and pay the bills, and deal with our budget, and fill out all forms, and plan grocery lists, and take kids to extracurricular activities, and help with home improvement projects, and get car repairs done, etc, etc, etc, etc.   

    ARGH.  This is in addition to the rest of my JOB.  The one I have.  That makes all the money.  While he is home.  Every day.

    If I ask him to do x or y, he'll do it.  Or he'll say he will.  If he doesn't forget and get distracted halfway through and not finish or do a bad job.  That assumes he starts the activity and didn't get distracted and forget before he even began.  Which happens all the time.

    I am so tired of having all of this, everything on my shoulders.

     

     

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