Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • This is so FREAKING hard... by: Emmanic 13 years 1 day ago

    I am struggling so badly with this... I cant stop thinking about what DP is doing when I am not with him.  And wishing I was just back home and everything was "normal"

    I hate that he wont be honest with me about our relationship, I hate that he doesnt even seem to miss us, I hate that I seem to be the only one hurting and most of all I hate the extreme paranoia that is consuming my thought patterns.

    I know that due to my codependency issues I NEED to focus on myself, but I just cant seem to do it...

    HELP...

  • It's hard, and I'm struggling. by: HappyMedium 13 years 1 day ago
    I have my codependency book, I read it and take it to heart, I do my best to put what I learn into the situations in my life. But today, I'm very discouraged. I think it's making things worse.... part of me doesn't even care, part of me just wants this all to be done and over with. I'm tired of being pushed away, the steel-enforced concrete walls, and the condescending attitudes. I feel like he's looking for opportunities to make things even more difficult for me. I have the week off work for Thanksgiving, and on Sunday night I asked if he would turn off his 5:45 alarm (he rarely ever gets up at that time and has 2 more alarms set) so that I didn't have to wake up that early (I'm so trained by my alarm and routine that I can't go back to sleep once the alarm goes off) and his exact words were "OK". 5:45am on Monday morning the alarm goes off. And hour later when he finally got out of bed I told him that I felt like him indicating one action and then doing the complete opposite was, well, rude. He claimed he never said he would and that he wakes up the way he does cause he likes to (this was done in a very "informative" and condescending tone). Am I going crazy? This ongoing cycle of "Distort, Deny, Deflect" is really wearing me down. Nothing happens unless he says so, it happened the way he says it did, and it's always somehow my fault. The dog didn't bite my daughter because he was diagnosed with anxiety problems and had been showing signs of aggression for 2 years. It was all circumstantial and environmental. Since DH goes to work all day everyday, the circumstances and environment was on my shoulders entirely. DH is so deep rooted in denial that when he took the dog to the shelter, he didn't even tell them the dog had bit a child because he didn't want his animal to be euthanized! It doesn't bother him one bit that someone with a child could adopt that dog. He doesn't see that by denying the behavioral problems, he's possibly put someone else's child in danger of being attacked! Why?.... cause it must be, some how my fault the dog was aggressive. If I'm not in the situation, the dog will be fine. I'm so exhausted with this. If this man truly believes I'm as horrible as he says I am, why the hell can't we just be done with this relationship? And if he doesn't think all the horrible things he says I am..... is it really such a stretch to actually be nice to your wife? Maybe treat her as if you really did love her? Is that such a crazy thought? I don't think it is. Ok, I'm done venting. Stepping off my soap box now...
  • I think this is us...what should I do? by: njmom 13 years 2 days ago

    I've been frustrated and disappointed in a lot of my 1+ year of marriage. I'm pretty sure after reading this site and the book that my hubby has ADHD. I love him and I want us to to work, especially because we have a 2 month old baby and I know it will just get harder for me to keep everything going.

    How should i approach him about this? What would be a non-threatening way to tell him that I think he needs to get evaluated?

  • New to the Forum, but not to ADHD! by: tanstaafl28 13 years 2 days ago

    Greetings All,

    My name is Jeffrey and I was formally diagnosed with ADHD 14 years ago. I have been with the same woman for all that time. We have been married for 12 years, and have definitely seen many ups and downs. She long ago decided not to have children with me because she felt she would be stuck with most of the burden of raising them. I have had to make my peace with that, even though it hurts. We have tried a lot of different things to help cope with the extra needs my condition places upon the marriage, some of them have worked well, others have not. I am on medications, we have sought counseling, both individual, and together, but we go through repeated cycles where everything is just fine, and then they "...go to hell in a hand basket..." all over again. My work schedule rotates every month. I work 4-10 hour shifts, so there are months where I am sleeping all day while she is working, then I am up when everyone is asleep, also, her 79 year-old mother lives with us too. I have been successful in several areas that most people with ADHD usually have trouble, despite barely graduating high school, I served four years in the U.S. Navy and was honorably discharged, I also have a bachelors, and a masters degree. I am not incompetent, just inconsistent.

    If there are two problems I know that stick in my wife's craw, it is my lack of support around the house (chores) and the state of my personal office (a candidate for that "Hoarders" TV show). She fights a constant battle with me to keep my "clutter" from spreading from my side of our bedroom to the rest of the house. She cajoles me, she pleads, she begs, and she nags. Nothing seems to get me motivated to help out on a consistent basis. She thinks I don't care. She thinks I have no pride in our home. She gets so angry and frustrated with me that she doesn't even want to be in the same room with me, let alone speak to me. Of course, I do not help, I either become defensive, or retreat into myself when she is like this. The more she pushes me, the more I resist her.

    She is so jaded at this point that, even though I got us both copies of "The ADHD Effect on Marriage," she read a few pages and it made her so angry about me that she doesn't want to read any more! I still think we have a pretty solid marriage in most respects. We have divided the "important" stuff up. She works from home, so I make sure that all the technology works the way it is supposed to. She handles the money. I insisted upon separate bank accounts from the start of our marriage. I give her most of my paychecks and she takes care of keeping the bills up-to-date. She works 1 full-time job and 3 part-time jobs, all from home. Then she has to follow me around to make sure I'm not leaving a mess behind me. We have days where we work so well together, you would think we have got it all figured out, then we have days where we just rub each other the wrong way. Sometimes I think it's her hormones, (she does have a thyroid condition) but it can't always be that. I realize that it takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two to screw it up. We have gone through a few separations over the years, but neither of us is willing to give up on the other fully. I just know I don't want her frustration to get to a point where she no longer can feel how much I love her and vice-versa. I do make time for her, I do special things for her, I know sometimes I just annoy her with trivial facts, but she is my best friend. I want to share all the crazy thoughts that flit through my head. I realize that's not always practical, and I try very hard not to bother her when she's working.

    I am sure that her perspective is different, but I am trying to be as fair and objective as I can here. I just want to get through whatever stuff is keeping us from having a better marriage and let her know I do care. On my days off I find myself exhausted. I have asked her to get a list together of things she wants me to do, and she does, but even when I do get everything done, the only thing she remembers is all the times I didn't. She does not care to have much of a social life, whereas I have a small circle of friends I meet at a local pub once or twice a week. She gets on me about me not being a single man, and I shouldn't spend hours at the bar, but other times, she will pay me to go down there. I think probably if I could just be a little more consistent at helping her around the house, she wouldn't be so frustrated with me all the time.  She seems to have trouble chilling out. I think she's got some sort of anxiety disorder, or maybe OCD. She has a constant obsession with "clutter," and what do I do but clutter everything? I guess I just want to make things better between us, if I can. Sorry if I rambled.

    Jeffrey

  • How to broach the subject of ADHD with spouse by: njmom 13 years 2 days ago

    I just found this website last night. I read about three blog posts, figured out that this was what was going on in my marriage, downloaded the book and read it in three hours. I was nodding my head the whole time. I've felt so alone in my marriage of 1+ years, and I feel lucky that I found this information now.

    I'm 90 percent sure that this is what is going on with my husband. I want to talk to him about it, and ask him to be evaluated. We just had a baby  two months ago, so I know it's only going to get worse with time, and that we should try to head it off now if he is diagnosed.

    How did you talk to your spouse about this the first time if you were the one who suspected your spouse had ADHD? I'm afraid of making him feel bad about himself, shame, etc. and don't want that to be a turn off.

    Anyone else been there and have a good strategy?

    Thanks in advance.

  • Understanding by: TimS 13 years 3 days ago

    I first joined this site just over a year ago.  At the time I was so frustrated in my marriage, it was an impossible situation.  My wife who I believe has ADD also found our situation impossible, but blamed me entirely for this, saying my behaviour was "unacceptable" and I needed to change.  She however was "all right".

    At the end of November last year she left the marital home and now lives in another city.

    It was "agreed" that our separation would be permanent and she even "agreed" to a financial settlement in December last year.  We also "agreed" to delay any divorce.  However although the marriage had ended her affliction continued to ruin my life in that all the problems I had with her when together continued to cause me stress and frustration. She failed to honour her agreement, ( an oft repeated pattern),  and I was advised that the only way I could gain any cooperation from her was to divorce her, which I did on the grounds of her abusive behaviour towards me.  She has fought every step of the  way, has delayed responding to my solicitor on practically every occasion, delays from several weeks to on the last occasion, two months.  The divorce went through in August this year, but the court queried a consent order for the financial agreement we finally made through solicitors and it is this she delayed responding to for two months after which I still don't know if the court have approved the order.

    She has made all sorts of false accusations about me through her solicitors e.g. claiming that I have hidden assets which I am not disclosing and that I threatened her with physical violence.  Her beliefs about me appear delusional.

    I believe that during our short marriage and since, despite her extreme provocation, I have been very tolerant of her behaviour. It does appear that I am now very close to being free of her, but I consider that her behaviour over the last five years a) caused me to have a nervous breakdown in 2008, b) caused me to be estranged from two of my daughters, (by a previous marriage) and c) generally caused me such stress over  the years that I believe the consequent damage to my immune system has contributed to the cancer I have now been diagnosed with.

    I am thankful to this web site because it has helped me understand that she is not to blame for being the way she is.  It did at one point make me think that there may have been some hope for us, but her extremely defensive stance in denying in any way that she might have had some part to play in our marital breakdown made any reconciliation impossible.

    Some days I feel sad for her, because she has now had three failed marriages and hasn't even begun to recognise what the main issue is.  But I am mainly left angry that what little life I have left, (I don't yet fully know what my prognosis) is of a very reduced quality as a consequence of her cognitive impairment.  I am frustrated, that she continues to affect those around her and continues to affect me by the tales she tells of me and there is now nothing I can do about this.

    ADD is a terrible and largely hidden affliction which affects those who suffer it and those around them.  My frustration is that I was unable to deal with it and despite the fact that I did love my (ex) wife and only feel anger rather than hate or bitterness, I now feel I am better off without her in my life at all despiute the financial and health consequences.

     

     

  • Anyone else recognised codependency within themselves... by: Emmanic 13 years 3 days ago

    I have been doing some research lately mostly about ADD/ADHD as this is what my partner has been diagnosed with and it made alot of sense in regards to issues we have been having.  I decided to start doing a bit of internal searching about myslef and have discovered that I am codependent...

    Does anyone else have these same issues?  Is it possible to change a codependent relationship into a normal one?

  • Soooo angry!! by: needsalifeline 13 years 3 days ago

    "Just me again...Im sooo angry.  He acts like everything is just great and we all know it is for him.  Found out last night that when we went to the halloween party and I went to start the truck with the understanding he would be right out that he wasnt helping clean up, he was partying with strippers!!!  How great Im sitting in the truck for an hour (is response was "it was only 45 min, not an hour") waiting for him and he is partying.  Nice to see how much I was wanted!!!!  I dont even matter anymore and neither do my feelings.

    He is still talking to his ex and various other chicks....every freaking song he listens to during his "down time" (the hours he spends in the bedroom blasting music) are about the one he loves that is so far away or the one that he left or the one he wants but cant have.  Makes me want to gag!!!  I live in a 12x60 trailer, I cant get away from it!!!  He is going downstate for the holiday, but there has been no mention of me going.  So I will sit here by myself for 5 days...how fun.  I have no family here and no friends so its not like I can call anyone up and say hey come on over.

    Yeah I know Im feeling sorry for myself, but this just totally sucks!!!  Someone give me some direction here.....

     

     

  • Non-ADHD husband needing help by: Majconfused 13 years 3 days ago

    Hello.  First time here.  I have been married for 11 years but the last four have been really rocky.  I was deployed from 2008-2009. When I returned I felt more lonely and isolated.  Wife would constantly spending less time with me and more time with friends.  I told her I wanted to go to Vegas for years and when I returned she went with her friends. She constantly says I am angry and she is tired of me complaining about her lateness, money, intimacy , and not cleaning.  We were in. Counseling which didn't work.   She had never told me or the counselor about the ADHD until the counselor gave up.  All these years I was clueless.  Now she is on meds but I feel constantly ignored and left out.   She is always hanging out and i am sure her friends dont know or understand about her adhd. How do I get her to see she is hurting me?

  • Marriage, ADHD, and Sadness by: Anonymous (not verified) 13 years 4 days ago

    I was married several weeks ago and my husband's ADHD is sending me into a terribly sad space.  I feel over burdened... like the parent in the relationship, and since I left my life behind bc we had to move to his community for work and family, I feel isolated.  He has gone to start treatment, but I can't stop being sad.  Honeymoon was awful... I might as well not have been there since he just wanted to play computer games.  He is a lovely, fun and generous man.  But financially he had kept so much quiet out of embarrassment (he kept forgetting to pay bills) that I got slammed after marriage with having to fix so much that my savings were depleted.   I know he loves me and I feel sad and guilty that I am sinking.  Bc he has a hard time with impulses (resisting them) I feel I have to always be pulling on some invisible leash or we will not be able to pay bills, or he will get lost in computer games again and not attend to his responsibilities.  I am so tired I could cry.  Yesterday I read a book about marriage to try to learn (5 love languages).  Today I threw it in the trash feeling totally hopeless after twice he shut me up bc he did not want to hear me remind him of things he needed to attend to.  He asks me to be his "secretary" and then rejects me.  Today we were supposed to have a date, but he hardly ever remembers to follow through and nothing happened.  This feels all like a huge chore and I feel alone.  I have degenerated into sitting in bed most of today just unable to get from under water.  I know he can't help it and Strattera is helping him focus at work.  I just feel exhausted.   My savings are gone and with them my sense of security.  He keeps saying everything is going to be fine.  He might as well be asking me to believe in fairies.  It looks like if I don't tackle it, it does not get taken cared off.  I have always been independent and work hard, so I am not looking to be babied.  But I feel like I got hired to a bad job, not married.  I feel totally powerless and yet I have no choice but to carry the load.  I entered a Him centered universe where ... besides my labor to keep things a float ... I might as well fade as a woman... There is nothing about me that is/feels like a newlywed.

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