I am the non-ADHD spouse. Although my husband is decidedly not "H". He was diagnosed shortly after our eldest child was diagnosed not quite 10 years ago. They are both ADD, inattentive type. Able to hyperfocus, but unable to focus. They get along very well and speak in their own shorthand that does not require attention to complete sentences.

In a grand development, his new psychiatrist decreased his dosage of medication and he thinks she's an idiot and thus, he is SO not going to see her until another med check is absolutely positively required.

Once we were married, our romantic life took a nosedive. And when I say "once we were married" I mean, once we walked back down the aisle. I should have seen it. I didn't. And the pressure to stay married from our extended families was intense. We have discussed this issue numerous times with promises that all is good on his end! He loves me! He likes spending time with me! He enjoys my company! Awesome. Except for the fact that every action begs to differ.

I read the book. I don't nag. Rather... I haven't for years. We've been married well over 20 years and I can be taught. I know that nagging doesn't help. I also know that not nagging doesn't help either. He will get around to doing things when he gets around to doing them. But there are solitaire games to be played and Angry Birds has a new game out. He is happy to help when I start doing things myself. I don't want HELP. I want him to DO it. I want him to see the floor boards are rotting and need to be replaced. I want him to see that the weeds in the backyard are brushing the eaves of the house. I want him to take all that stuff we bought at Home Depot to make "this thing" and MAKE the thing. I'm tired of being the one that keeps track of what needs to be done. I'm tired of the one that figures out how to get it done because if I mention it again, a year later, I get the hangdog look. He looks like a whipped puppy. A shamed little boy.

His excuse is that he is tired. Yea. Ok. I get being tired. And when I was a stay at home mom, I didn't get as irritated. But I have a full time job now. I just don't think it is unreasonable to expect dinner to be started when I leave all the necessary ingredients on the counter WITH INSTRUCTIONS on what needs to be done. He sees it as informational. "Oh. I see we are having spaghetti and that meat needs to be browned, onion needs to be chopped and that tomato sauce needs to be added to the whole mess".

Then when he goes to bed three hours before I do and "forgets" to tell me goodnight? No worries. I'll get the laundry done. I'll clean up the kitchen. YOU are exhausted. I guess. I guess you've gone to bed.

When I bring these frustrations up, again I get the hangdog. I also get a promise to do better. Which lasts precisely two weeks. I won't have to clean the kitchen for two weeks. So just tell him every two weeks! THEN I'm nagging. Because he IS doing it.

I have given up on our sex life. I'm tired of initiating and being met with either "too tired" (and yes... he's been medically checked on that point. Everything is dead on normal) or it's over so damn fast that I don't know why I bothered. He's a happy camper and off to other things. I'm left wondering if having an affair just for sex is permissible under the usual rules of marriage. We don't share a bed. It started for one reason and now.... I'm just fine with it. Our different schedules (he goes to bed hours before I do, and thus is up hours before I am.... you know.... cause solitaire needs to be played and Angry Birds has been updated) allows me to read or take a leisurely shower before going to bed without bothering him.

I have gone on the offense. Let me set an example for you! So I do what HE needs to have done to feel loved, wanted, desired. As a result, I don't fill my gas tank most of the time. He fills my car with gas as a favor to me so I don't have to do that! He also makes coffee in the morning. By which I mean, he checks in the evening to see if the pot is empty and if it is, he sets it up to brew in the morning. This needs to be done about every three days. YES. He remembers to do that. But forgets to tell me goodnight.

He is well respected at work. He's looking at getting a Big Deal Promotion! He is well known, well liked and very very good at what he does. He is smart and can quickly learn new things. He frequently is thought of as having a greater knowledge than he actually does because he can learn new things so fast.

I'm tired. Physically and emotionally. He thinks his ADD is under control and he is FINE. He thinks our marriage is FINE. I'm tired of being in charge. I'm the one that makes sures bills are paid. He has no idea how much the college bills are. He gets irritated when I stress about money out loud. So I don't. I "don't" do a lot of things out loud.

And this is the first time I've ever told a soul about all of this. My support system is zero. EVERYONE knows us as the Ideal Couple. Except that I'm rather a grump and am prone to being a real bitch. He, naturally, is a great guy and is the life of the party. If you want to have fun, call my husband. I OFTEN feel that I am invited because it's just rude to only invite him. I know he will get our friends in a divorce. I'm fairly certain he'll get my family too. Because you know how I'm always so hard on him and need to lighten up already. So if we were to divorce it would be MY fault and my unreasonable expectations. Of course.... to divorce would be near enough on it's own for disowning. If I were to pull the plug, I do so knowing I will be on my own completely. I just have to decide if being alone on my own is better or worse than being alone and married.

I don't think I have a question. Maybe I do in there somewhere.

I'm just tired.....

I'm the more ADHD of the two, and have begun reading Orlov's book.  I'm about half way through and have noticed and emphasis on finding "someone who knows how to treat ADHD".  This emphasis seems critical, and I can imagine why.  The wife and I are seeing a marriage counselor now, and while she is a licensed family therapist and knows some of the difficulties concerning ADHD, I'm not sure she is the specialist that will help me through the specifics of my symptoms.

To complicate things, I would like to find someone that falls under my companies health benefit plan (since money is always a problem).  For the past two hours I've unleashed my hyperfocus trying to compare those specialists listed on the local CHADD website to the list of specialist on my insurance provider list and have come up with no matches.

Conceeding that the CHADD list didn't have any matches on my provider list, I decided to go through the insurance provider's list seeking those that listed "Adult Therapy" and "ADHD".  It seems like this approach is much like throwing darts, If I find a specialist and try to go to their website to see their disciplines, location, times, etc. their websites are down or useless, and Google doesn't help on this front as it is chocked full of useless content agragation pages.

Has anyone found a good approach to finding a recommended adult ADHD therapist/specialist/psychiatrist on their insurance without feeling like they were throwing darts trying to get lucky?

Thanks.

For example, my husband has severe ADHD he is up all night, sleeps a lot during the day.  I wake easily if he turns on the tv, bumps into something, etc. and this interferes very much with my job.  They have tried giving him a sleeping pill, but even when he tries sleeping with me I cant sleep his foot is tapping, hes rolling around, or talking, etc.  He is easily angry and you never know what mood will occur on a given day.  He is having difficulty keeping a job and I am the main provider although I know he would like it to be different.  I also would like it to be different some day so I can do my art more and work less.  

He has no interest in sex only cuddling but that is difficult to tell if it is ADHD or past trauma.  He doesn't meet my needs often and now I know he doesnt do it on purpose but that he isnt really able to.  The house when I am with him is a full time job, its like living in a pile of filth and I spend all my days off cleaning and its never ending.  I really want things to work, but I guess when ive tried being with him "full-time" I get very sick because of no sleep, and the work it requires to care for everything.  Now I rent a room to get away and im wondering if in order to keep the marriage I may need to do that forever?  Be married but have a room away from it all so I dont get sick?  This ADHD stuff people really dont realize how severe it can be.  The nurse is still trying different doses of ritalin with him and sleeping pills.  Last dosage was far too high and he was sooo anxious up all night and not eating a thing.  So now hes on nothing as we both couldnt take that.  Hope they can figure out a good dosage.  I have a feeling he is so severe ADHD that it may be an actual disability in his case, I hope not but its just the way things are looking 3 years into the marriage.  Thanks for letting me share and vent.  

I've been with my ADHD partner for 6 months. The beginning was different; I remember feeling as if there were hints of hyperfocus, but mainly because we had looser schedules and practically lived in each other's backyards. It was easy to be together and spend time. Fast forward a few months, and he's moved 30 minutes away, and we both have busier work schedules. I don't usually see him during the work week, and if I do, it's only for an hour or two late in the evening. We generally spend weekends together because of the lack of time during the week.

I find myself concerned because I feel like he's pulling away from me. Lately, I've noticed he keeps planning things to do with his "guy friends" (who don't have girlfriends). I brought this up to him, and he told me that he would need this kind of space, no matter who he dated. He called it a "break" that he needs to take every once in a while. I understand the need for individuality. However, I feel that I have that for myself during the week - I engage in hobbies and see my friends and family. He doesn't have work hours that permit him to do that, so he crams it in during the weekend.

On top of this, he consistently changes plans at the last minute - and it seems like it's easy to do with me. It doesn't seem as if he'll cancel on a guy friend, but he is likely to change things around on me, disappoint me. We have had conversations about this, but it doesn't seem to change. He said he's entitled to "change his mind at any time" - as I am as well. Unfortunately, I'm a planner.

I can't tell if I'm turning into a co-dependent partner, or what, but I feel upset and jealous that he doesn't seem to want to hyperfocus on me. In all of my past relationships, my partners wanted to spend EVERY SINGLE MINUTE WITH ME. At times, it was smothering. In this relationship, I feel like I'm more of a hobby to my boyfriend than a partner.

He has amazing qualities, many of the characteristics that I see in a future husband. He is adventurous, charismatic and often happy go lucky. But how do I know if I should keep dating him? How do I know now (at 27) if my partner (who is 26) will turn out to be one of the bad cases that I read on this forum?

Note: he has been on medication for several years.

Please help. At this point, I don't even know what I'm asking. I just need someone to talk to who can relate to anything written above.