Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • How soon is too soon to marry a man with ADHD by: tsteph 13 years 3 weeks ago

    How soon is too soon to marry a man with uncontrolled ADHD?

  • I'm non-ADHD, feel like I'm losing myself because I'm trying to accommodate my ADHD spouse by: maedi 13 years 3 weeks ago

    Hi everyone, I'm never posted on any online forum before, but I need help so much and I don't know where else to turn. I've been with my partner for 14 years now, and he was diagnosed with ADHD last year. I did some research on the topic, and I realized that so much of his behaviours, good and bad, stem from his ADHD. It's really helped me understand him better, and our doctor recommended Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which he agreed to try. We couldn't afford CBT, so he tried going to a regular psychologist instead, and the experiences were so bad, that he's sworn against trying any kind of therapy again.

    The reason he was even willing to try therapy in the first place was because the stress he undergoes in a very dysfunctional workplace exacerbated his ADHD so much that he's been on extended sick leave twice in the past two years. He doesn't feel that he can leave this job, and he doesn't like it when I bring up his ADHD at all when we argue or have communication problems, or talk about his problems with authority at work, because he feels like doing so is "an excuse". He is angry all the time -- whenever he drives, when he plays hockey, when he watches TV, when he plays video games, it doesn't matter, he judges everything and everyone so much. He says that the world is screwed up, and that if only people "made sense" (which means if they did things they way he thinks they should be done), then he wouldn't get so frustrated. He says he thinks people at work are out to get him, and the only thing he can do is defend himself, loudly and constantly, so that they know not to mess with him. I'm afraid he'll get suspended, or fired.

    As his partner, I'm afraid that if he goes on sick leave again - and he likely will, since all the stress is making him behave in a volatile, explosive manner, so that he attacks me if I do or say anything he interprets as "disrespecful" to him - that I won't be able to handle it again. I nearly left him the second time, he was so mean and angry with me all the time. And I couldn't talk to him about it without taking the blame for his outbursts - because I caused him to get angry you see. When I try to tell him how what he says and does hurts me, he gets very defensive, and says that now isn't the time for me to start telling him how "horrible a person he is" -- all I'm telling him is how I feel, but he doesn't see it that way -- he says it's code for blaming him for my oversensitivity. Even though it's his behavior that starts it! I start by speaking calmly, but he hurls insults and jibes, he uses sarcasm, says that he's tired of people like me and his terrible boss who just take advantage of him, who don't speak in words that make sense. Then he tries to convince me -- and he is a very, very, very good debater -- that me feeling hurt is wrong, because there isn't a bonafide reason for it. So instead of me trying to talk about my feelings, it turns into how I'm the one who's wrong, and I should feel guilty for bringing this up, because there's no good reason for me to blame him for any of it.

    I'm so confused - at this point, my only other option is to just take it and say nothing. I already admit blame more than is due me, just to get him to calm down and maybe talk and listen to me without shouting and insults. How do I bring up issues I have with his behavior in a way that will make him listen -- not agree, but listen, without getting so defensive? Sometimes he even throws things, breaks things, and then tells me to shut up because he can't take it anymore. Basically, he doesn't believe that any of the problems in his life -- his work problems, my problems with his behaviour -- are related to him at all. He says he doesn't understand what I'm saying, that I "don't make sense".  Please, please help me -- how do you talk to an ADHD spouse about behaviours you don't like without them turning on you? I can't put up with his behaviour anymore, sometimes I just swallow the anger and apologize, like it's my fault, when I know it's not, just to avoid a fight. Sometimes I think he wants to fight. When's he's angry, it's always for a good reason, he believes. And we talk about it like it's a real issue, because I care about what he feels. When I get angry, he says I'm just crazy, and it's not a real issue because he doesn't think it is. I don't want to be a doormat anymore. Is is possible to have this kind of conversation with an ADHD spouse?

  • I just discovered this website and can't believe i am reading about my husband all over it!! by: Joni B 13 years 3 weeks ago

    I have always joked that my husband has ADD but just discovered he actually DOES!! He in fact has a pretty serious case of it judging by behavior and answering the questions in Dr. Ned's book.  It explains sooooo many behaviors that i thought were just bizarre or quirky to the extreme! While reading the book i've had several LIGHTBULB moments! Like  when we're in a crowded parking lot looking for a spot he can't just put his blinker on and wait while someone backs out. He'd rather park a mile away and walk!!! I thought this was the craziest thing and so darn exasperating!! I now realize he just can't deal with the pressure of having people drive around us, possibly beep, way tooo much confusion for him. Understanding this little thing is going to make such a difference in our lives. What I really need help with is getting him out of the house on time. Seems every time we have to be somewhere, we end up in a fight, i tell him well in advance, sometimes days and then the day before........................usually a few hours before we're supposed to leave i remind him and invariably i still end up frustrated and angry by the time we eventually leave having had to NAG him endlessly for the last hour. Its making me crazy and I know it makes him feel horrible too. I don't want to be his mother.....................HELP

  • Newly (self-)diagnosed, GF doesn't get it. by: chem_nerd 13 years 3 weeks ago
    Hi everyone,

    Been lurking for a few months now, finally decided to speak up. 25 year old male, newly (self) diagnosed ADD with some help from the GF. Unfortunately, thats where her helpfulness and support seemed to stop. We have been together for 4 years, and have seen our share of hardships together. After getting an idea of what is happening, everything really hit the fan. I'm angry, she is angry, and there is no end in sight.

    I have been working very hard to accept how my forgetfulness is interpreted, attempting to reinforce it with positives. This means NOTHING. I doubt I can take any more criticism. I really care for her, but she doesn't seem to understand a bit of it. That being said, I do understand that ADD is not an excuse to be liberally applied to every mistake.

    Is it even fair to try to save this? After doing a lot of reading, I am beginning to feel like the single life is best for us both. Advice? (aside from dr. and meds... both are in the works)
  • HELP PLEASE.... Alone time for him - how long is too long? by: faith_in_him 13 years 3 weeks ago

    I am 29, this wonderful boyfriend (30 years old) for almost a year. When we first started dating, he told me he has ADD. He told me because of his ADD I will be angry at him because he is forgetful and other things. So he borrowed me a Edward M. Hallowell book so understand him more, I read breifly and convinced myself - there is nothing like him, he is adorable, caring and intelligent. He is everything I want, we shared the same interests, had great fun exploring new things together. He called, texted, IM me everyday. I feel like being with him every minute of my life. And I am extremely happy to be with him and forget about ADD

    As The ADHD Effect book "predicted", the relationship went downward after a few months, we argued nights and days. We consistently burst into anger, frustration for small issues. I took out Edward M. Hallowell book to read again. I burst into tears and I finished reading it overnight. It's not us, it's ADD affecting our relationship. I tried to educate myself to be more understanding and considerate, but you know, it's not easy. I understand the reason behind but my emtion could not be changed immediately. However, we had a great time in travelling - we enjoy every moments together (at least for me), I was able to feel relaxed and gave him a lot of tolerance and reminding him on little things which he appreciates. Since the trip, we seems argue less and less.

    Until last week, we had a fight at night before going to bed. I have my PMS so gone a bit crazy, he is still super caring and hold my hand in the morning. Then we started another big fight on tiny things (which I shouldn't have - it's my fault), he is still being so caring and hold my hand and we walked to office together. I was still grumpy and nagged him about his ADD. All of a sudden, he burst into anger as he thinks I made fun of his ADD and walked away. I chased after him but I couldn't help but crying. I said sorry to him before I dropped him off in his office. He said he will speak to me after work. But he didn't. He refused to pick up my call for 5 days. He still refused to pick up my call until now. I am so helpless. I sent him card to apologise, small presents outside his door. He texted me, he forgive me but he needs times "to clear his head". On top of that, he started regular medicial treatment, he used to take it but stopped it for a while, I wasn't sure would the tablet affects him. And also he is under stress from a big project deadline coming soon.

    5 days - it's huge to me considering we talk to each other everyday for the past. He called me even he was on business trip. I feel sad and being punished. Then I started researching ADD book in library where I found this wonderful ADHD Effect book. I found a lot of familiar stories so now I have a lot of useful tips, I am sure I can do better. But my problem is HE IS NOT WILLING TO TALK TO ME. I feel like abandoned. In one of his text, he said he is "not strong enough" to talk to me yet. I am aware that ADDer needs "alone time". I totally respect he needs time alone but why couldn't he even talk to me on phone or reply my email? And "alone time" how long is it? a week? a month? Should I go to his place and knock on his door? Or just do nothing but wait? I really miss him like hell. I went to movie myself on weekend, all I think of is him... I miss him so much... I comletely lose my appetite for these days.

    Please, if you have similar situation, please help me.... I am desperate.

  • remembers things I didn't say by: scrambled 13 years 3 weeks ago

    My partner was diagnosed almost a year ago and has been trying a variety of ADHD meds, trying to figure out the "right mix". Avoids reading the books we purchased to try to work through and resolve some of our ADHD relationship issues although he did agree to read them initially after diagnosis and felt that they would be helpful.....One of the issues we are having is that after a fight or disagreement , when we try to discuss it (after a half or whole day of cooling off) he has memories of things I never said, and repeats these things back to me in a tone that I would not use. Or he will say "you went on and on about it".. when in fact when I see this pattern emerging I usually clam up to avoid fueling the fire..plus I have become very selective of my words and aware of tones during altercations and am generally pretty calm during fights while he yells and says  nasty things. When I tell him that he misunderstood what I was saying, or that the way I said such a thing was mis heard, or that I didn't actually say all those things, he says I am lying, I am a hypocrite, that I am sugar coating my words, backtracking, denying it to make myself look perfect, that I have the memory problems, not him. So I am being judged and he is angry with me for things that I never said! Tells me I was being a "B...."  and has formed an opinion or perception of me based on false memories! HAs anyone else encounted this, and is it a typical ADHD symptom?

     

  • ADD & Infidelity by: ADD Husband 13 years 4 weeks ago

    I really have no statistical bases for the question I am going to pose.  I am not sure how many out of how many meet the criteria of behavior.  Yet, I am still interested in the dynamics between ADD and cheating on your partner.

    I have read many stories of infidelity in relationships between ADD / Non ADD individuals.

    Well first let me start with some context; I don't understand infidelity and have a hard time relating to it happening.  As long as I can remember my philosphy has been if I am at the point in a relationship that I am considering cheating (seriously) then I need to be upfront about those feelings.  If things are "at that point" then why cheat and compromise my character in the process.  Personally, I would rather have someone tell me they need to move on and deal with that pain than be cheated on and lied to.  I am way over simplifying the dynamics but I try to keep it simple when it comes to committed relationships and compromising what that committment means.  My point is not to judge those that cheat (unless its on me) but rather to understand what drives it.

    With that said I have a few questions for everyone and hope everyone find benefits in the answers (my answers will be in parenthesis):

    1. Define "cheating"? (when an individual crosses a line either emotionally or physically that compromises the integrity of their current relationship)
    2. Have you ever thought about cheating? (yes at a conceptual level in trying to understand it)
    3. Have you ever been cheated on? (no that I am aware of and really haven't had any hints or signs)
    4. Should someone with ADD be given more "grace" or second chances than someone who is Non-ADD; after cheating? (I have ADD and I can say that it should never be a valid excuses for me to cheat.  Do I require more stimulation sure does that mean my actions get a free pass?  I think not cheating emotionally/physically requires decisioning on my behalf that is run through my moral compass.  If I cheat it means I chose someone else over my ethics and my commitment to my partner and thus should have no further rights in keeping that relationship.  I've studied a lot about ADD and I just don't think it would be reasonable to say, "Well babe I was weak, I was emotionally compromised and you have been physically distant for years and given my ADD you know I require additional stimulation."
    5. What benefits are there in cheating? (other than temporary stimulation of mind and body which result in false feelings of inclusion and relief I can't find anything reasonable.)
    6. Why would you give a second chances? (the only reason I can think of would be because of my own fears with being alone or starting over or losing my kids half the time)

    I realize many of these questions are sensative in nature and I hope no one is offended by my responses or anyone elses.  My only hope is to learn more than I know now so that I can make better choices or at least evaluate my choices from a more informed perspective.  I could and admit my perspective today could be wrong :).

  • Adhd long term stress with marraige , work and life in general. by: SEnright 13 years 4 weeks ago

    I'm a 25 year old with adhd, diagnosed in high school my parents thought I had a learning disability got tested, IQ of 125. My Adhd has changed over the years. I started off very unmotivated father constantly asking me if I was on drugs. Well I finally got on drugs (adderall xr) and with this prescription my academic life improved. emotionally was ok, but Had some ED issues for an 18 year old guy that's terrible, so adderall went bye, bye. I got back on meds for School. I work as a Paramedic, a constant sense of addrenline perfect gig for an adder, action, flashing lights.  I've always had some sort of anxiety, when I was younger it was afraid of getting hurt, when video games just didn't do it for me, I got into extreme sports, surfing snowboarding, skateboarding ( took a hill at 37mph) that feeling of just being a hair away from being out of control makes me feel alittle more alive. now my anxietys are bills, my marriage and my child, about 19-24 years old I partied pretty heavlly never any hard drugs just alcohol, and I struggle keeping it under control. My adhd makes life full of anxiety, mostly with my marriage. I drink to dull the anxiety and it makes me feel good, not so many things going on in the brain.  My wife is at her wits end with my constantly losing things like keys and cell phone charger, my spending habits, my drinking which she considers a problem, my anxiety, impulse control and chronic tardiness.  now I do have a tendency to fly off the handle about things. Like she will give me a list written down (helpful behavior for adhd husband) but then text me and be like ( you make the phone calls)  next text (SO ???) and it's just infuriating. I'm sure my procrastination is infuriating to her.  Alot of the other difference, I'm laid back and don't have an opion about everything, for my mind it's just not easy to take on everything, and she will say "come on that's common sense what's wrong with you"  and it makes me feel awful, but for me it's not commonsense, She doesn't realize that I on a daily basis to sucessfully get out the door and not forget a lunch, phone, wallet (uniform shirt sometimes) takes much more effort for me and sometimes, multiple trips back into the house. Even now writing this I'm wondering where I'm going with this, it's more of vent, I'm pretty sure I had a point, Oh ya.... So I'm going to the Doc to get back on Meds to try and save my marriage. I've been through this before,  I know meds are not a cure all, I honestly hope she knows, that I will always operate this way, to some extent. I'm not making excuses, but I am who I am and I'm always trying to keep on top of things, but when making sure you . I feel like she was lured in by the hyper focus me, and after we got married she's meeting regular old me,  I'm afraid she won't be able to deal with it and it sucks......even now I have like 7 tabs open on windows, I'm at workin taking an online class and have music on, that's all my bad stuff.   But I feel like she just sees that and not my good side anymore.

     

     

  • A view into the mind of an ADD Husband by: ADD Husband 13 years 4 weeks ago

    Let me first open with what most of you already expect from someone with ADD :).  I will do my best but make no promises to make updates to this on a weekly basis.

    Purpose: my goal is to try and articulate on a weekly basis what goes through the mind of someone with ADD.  I hope over time this information will catalogue the struggles, successes, failures and experiences associated with treating and changing ADD behaviors.

    Style: journal style with limited structure no committed topic on a weekly basis.

    Feedback: I welcome any feedback and will do my best to respond to questions posted.  I only ask that we try to stay true to the purpose of the thread and any detailed discussion can be taken to new post "if needed".

    Bio:

    • Name: ADD Husband
    • Age: Early 30's
    • Location: US
    • Married: Yes 4 years
    • Kids: Yes 3
    • ADD: Yes diagnosed at 16 (prior to 2010 I had treated only through natural supplements)
    • Treatment: Dexedrine ER, Monthly Therapy Visits, Required Reading By Therapist (all 3 have been going for 2 years)
    • Work: Yes (never had problems at work have always held jobs consistently and get promoted every few years)
    • Education: Yes (got a masters/bachelors while single early 20's in 4 years only treating with natural methods)
    • Other relevant treatments: Low-T currently treated via weekly test. administration (self)

    All future post will be content as described above.  Thanks for the read and I hope it helps.

  • ADHD husband - OCD wife by: 3rdChapter 13 years 4 weeks ago

    Is there any hope of a husband with ADHD and a wife with OCD maiking it through?  I just got diagnosed and my wife is extremely angry with me.  Not sure it is even worth salvaging.  I want to do everything I can to manage my ADHD and work out our relationship.

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