Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Financially supporting ADD boyfriend by: littlesherry 13 years 2 months ago

    Good morning all,

    I am new to this site.  I would like a bit of advice.

    I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we live together.  He is a contractor and has not been working outside of a few odd jobs here and there.  He has contributed very little to nothing to the household bills.  I pay the mortgage, food, utilities and even pay for vacations etc.  I even had to buy his brother's birthday present yesterday.

    He doesn't seem to be motivated to really find work and says he feels bad about not being able to contribute.  I beginning to feel as though he feels it's easier for me to support him.  He is remodeling the house we live in but it's taking quite a long time.  I work 40-50 hours a week and I do the majority of the cooking and house cleaning.

    Resentment is becoming a real issue.  I received a large bonus from work which has allowed me to pay for the remodel project for the most part.  However, covering his bills, the mortgage and utilities has financially devastated me.   He says that the remodel project (I have been working on the remodel with him on the weekends) is keeping him from working on other jobs.  I understand that for the most part, but I leave for work and he stays in bed until 8:00 or 9:00 and then does a few things on the house.  I suggested that he get jobs outside of the remodel and we can work on the house in our off time.  He agreed, however on the "off" time, he is too tired to do anything and says he needs a break from work.  Geez.  The remodel is not just benefiting me, it's also benefiting him.  We have discussed getting married and I would add his name to my house.  I am now rethinking that.

    He gets mad when I bring it up.  I don't think I present it well.  He just tells me he doesn't want to hear it and that he is trying and to shut the "f" up.

    What should I do?  Should I stop this relationship or hang in?

     

     

  • I need help setting boundries by: NeedHope1980 13 years 2 months ago

    I'm not very good at it.  I can set boundaries for myself but he always manages to talk me out of them with his anger.  He gets angry with me when I say No.  He feels like I'm controlling him when all I'm doing is protecting myself.  He makes me feel incredibly guilty.

    Also, he rushes my "letting go" process.  We've been through a rough week this week and it still isn't over.  I still have to deal with the aftermath of his mistakes and that part has yet to come.  Once I get a letter in the mail from the apartment company telling me they received my returned check, I'm sure I will start to feel terrible all over again.  It's a trigger that will set me off.  To that end, I'm not ready to be "all in" with him again.  I'm not ready to hang out and chill like nothing is happening, but that is what he wants from me.  In the midst of a crisis he is super attentive until we have sex.  To him I think having sex seals the deal that the crisis is over and that I "love" him again.  He can let down his guard and go back to ignoring me once I've given him the green light - that being sex.

    He initiated with me last night and I turned him down.  He asked me why and I told him because I am stressed out regarding our finances and I'm not in the mood.  He got really quiet.  Then I also explained to him that my fear is that he will stop paying me attention once I make love to him.  Of course he denied this, but past is prologue. 

    So what do I do?  We have been getting along in spite of being in the middle of a mess, but that is partly due to the fact that it is not in my character to stay angry.  I simply don't like the feeling of anger.  However, I don't feel like everything is okay and I don't want him to feel that way either.  I need him to work on our relationship and what motivation does he have to do that if he gets all the benefits of a good relationship without working on it ie a wife with a good attitude and sex.  I do not want to use sex as a punishment, but I also do not want to make love to a man who puts very little effort into making our relationship a good one. 

    I need advice.

  • Help with Understanding ADHD versus ADD by: Nov0281 13 years 2 months ago

    Hi, I'll start with some background history: I've been married for 5 years now and when my husband and I first met he told me that he was diagnosed with ADD when he was a child but his mom who is diseased now said that he didn't have to take the medication prescribed. In telling me this he also said that nobody in his family knew being his father and his older sister.  I figured he told me because I am his wife, he really didnt get into detail as to why he told me. But reading some of the personal experiences on this website, it seems as though he may have ADHD too or instead. I am no expert that is why I am looking for help because many time I wanted to leave my husband because he seemed to be cold and distant. He says its because I broke his heart with my behavior towards him when my behavior is because I don't want a divorce but that I am at the same time being exhausted with what I have to take on myself because he is not supportive emotionally. I must say reading the post on this website has given me hope in my marriage. There also may be a possibility that my son may have this as well, but I withheld that information about my husband when asked about family history with ADD, I wasn't sure what to say as it seemed to be a secret. My son is in an ESE program getting speech, occupational and behavioral therapy since he was 3 years old. He has an IEP  if anyone is familiar with that. I was thinking of revealing this to his ESE coordinator at our upcoming evaluation because I don't want him to be ashamed as if it is something to be embarrassed about so that he can receive the help he needs throughout his life. Also because I see my husband now and how he may very well be in denial that he needs help. I just want to do what I can to be supportive as well as educated so that I don't burn myself out or rehash things that don't need to be repeated and look to a divorce as the only way out. So does anyone have any suggestions as to where I should start, my husband was diagnosed with ADD but this forum addresses ADHD and alot of what is shared here I can relate to in my marriage. Also this is something I can't discuss with his doctor because he doesn't have regular appointment, he just received health insurance at his job. My son has his own health insurance and I dont have medical insurance but receive the help I can get through the VA. Thank you in advance.

  • Thank you by: NeedHope1980 13 years 2 months ago

    Before I came here I would go on other marriage websites and no one understood.  I would post my problems and I got standard answers that my husband just needed to "grow up and be responsible."  I knew there was more to it than that, but I couldn't explain to them how.  All I ever heard was how I needed to divorce my irresponsible husband and move on. 

    Then I come here and people understand.  I'm so grateful.  I don't think I would have made it through this week without all your kind words, support, and empathy.  Just knowing that I'm not alone and that other people have the same issues with their spouse helps me in a way that fills me with hope. 

    Whatever happens with the rent and the landlords, I am grateful that I opened up and shared because I needed all of your advice more than you'll ever know. 

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate it.

  • Need some advice.... by: dparisien80 13 years 2 months ago

    I need some advice.  I cheated on my ADHD boyfriend as a result we are no longer together.  I am still living with him but in a different bedroom.  I know he doesn't want to give up on us and neither do I.  Everything became to much for me to deal with and instead of continuing to try and talk to him I made the mistake of kissing his best friend.  ( I am now in therapy to work out my own issues) I feel like now we are stuck between loving each other and not wanting to go back to the way things were.  We fought all the time about stupid things. To be honest he was very mean to me and I in turn lost patience and said and did things that I now regret.  After having read a lot of good information on this web site I believe our problems steam from his untreated ADHD.  He, last night, started to admit that yes he does have ADHD but he thinks I am using it as an excuse for my actions.  I am not at all and have tried to explain this to him.  What I need advise on is how to continue the conversation with out hurting him and in such a way that he understands that his ADHD has deeply effected our relationship and with treatment we can be together.  Neither of us want to return to an unhappy relationship and I know that once he accepts help for the ADHD we can have a happy life together.

  • Anyone with a stay at home ADD Dad??? Please Help!!! by: khatndi 13 years 2 months ago

    OK Been a long time stalker of this life saving forum. Such wonderful advice and support is shared. Reading through has talked me off the ledge many nights, but I will sadly say that I am in dire straits with my undiagnosed ADD husband. Although I have given him some self-awareness (along with numerous online tests which he will take and be categorized as "highly likely" for ADD....LOL) his refusal to go for help and possibly get on meds has hit a breaking point in our marriage. To give a quick background, DH has been a stay at home Dad for the past 3 years since being laid off from his job that he was at for over 13 years. He was not laid off due to any fault of his own, was never late or missed a day in 13 years - much like many ADDers. Hubby's issues are purely with his impulsivity, ability to focus/concentrate, and desire to constantly be "in motion" with activity. During our 10 year relationship we've always had things "happening" to create distractions for him - house projects, wedding plans, new baby, etc. but now that our 2 children are of school and pre-school ages, time is limited and their activities have now taken over. So what's the problem??? Chaos in my household at all times which is now spilling over his bad habits and traits of his condition over to my kids.  Now don't get me wrong, he does well with keeping them occupied all summer - off to the beach, park, pool etc., but summer is over and school has started with him having to be more on a schedule, organized and detailed. Unfortunately my job is very stressful and my time home with my children on a daily basis is very limited. I want my 2 hours a day with them to be pleasant and of quality time (i.e. reading a book together or doing a nighttime story, coloring etc.). Instead I am left with barking out orders to them to do the things that should have been done with their Father before I got home - dinner, homework, showers, clean up some toys, get in pajamas etc. I find myself constantly yelling and screaming at them due to my frustration over a filth ridden house, disorganization, and complete utter chaos. All of which I cannot control or have time for. I have repeatedly begged, pleaded and even structured tasks for him to do during my 10 hour daily absence only to be left repeatedly disappointed. From reading through some threads, I've tried many tactics used on ADDers - index cards with one task on it, calling to give a reminder etc. Nothing seems to help. Now of course he is a guy, so doing house chores really isn't his thing, and I am not expecting it to be, but the basics are lacking. Trash not being taken out and piled up in the kitchen, the vehicles all have overdue inspections, repairs, and are a complete disaster on the inside. When he uses my commuter car there will be coffee stains all over, garbage left, and smells like a gym locker room from his sweaty clothes left in the backseat. I literally cannot take it. This is also creating the norm for our children. Toys are all over the place, rotting food all over, and even worse, an inherited disrespect for other's property as well as your own space. I should also add that our 6yr old daughter is oppositional and gives us grief over everything, so I know that DH will shy away from dealing with her. But that just makes it worse. Our parenting styles are not on the same page with him using avoidance and willingness to give in for every whim just to avoid any conflict. I am left with a demanding uncooperative child who constantly wants to "do something" cause she's bored. Yes it is my belief that she too will have some form of ADD. School should assist with getting her some help, but I don't know if I can wait this long. Her pediatrician says as long as there is no problem in school, she probably doesn't have a medical condition. So does that mean it is being learned from her environment? I am completely fried from my job, taking care of all the mandatory and detailed tasks for our family, and compensating for DH inability to do anything without my involvement (and yes I really don't WANT to be involved with the areas he is accountable for).  So I turn to the #1 place for sanity and guidance as to what I can do with this situation. I should say that the most obvious would be for him to get a job and go back to work, but our youngest isn't in full day school just yet and we don't have any family support to assist with childcare. Hiring someone is also nearly impossible to find in our location, but to be honest, I don't believe DH would be able to sustain any type of structured job. His prior employer was a small family owned company that catered to him not doing anything "hard". Go figure. Any help or advice would be much appreciated. Thanks for letting me have an outlet and God bless. 

  • Update and thank you ADHders and non ADHders alike by: rara avis 13 years 2 months ago

    Hey everybody,

     Update: Long story short, I am right now kicking my guy out of the house. We love each other and this is the most gut wrenching, horrible decision I've ever made. He has other issues too, which I won't get into here..I'm basically sending the man I love out into the world to sleep on his office floor. Believe me I feel devastated at his suffering, but couldn't be his caretaker any more. In the 12th hour he finally got it and started to turn around. With all the begging and pleading I just couldn't believe his promises any more. This is truly awful. I love this man.

     I'd like to thank this forum and everyone here for being so educational, and supportive. For you folks w/ADD and ADHD - and you know this - there is utterly no shame in having ADHD. It just is. Whether you've just learned you have it, or have known for a long time, kudos to you for owning it and doing what you can to manage it. You rock. Just pills are not enough. Some of you may have lost spouses over it, some of you may be trying to win your spouses back. As the partner of somebody w/ADHD who I love dearly but didn't try to manage his condition, I can tell you that as long as the ownership and  intent is there, even imperfect management goes a looooooong way. Whatever works.  If that doesn't help your relationship now, it will help a relationship in the future, I'm sure of it. I feel that if my guy had taken more ownership of his behavior, our relationship would be saved. We could have even had some fun and humor with it when possible. 

     Not to throw stones, I've had my own issues and have tried to deal with them in my own imperfect way. That's the best we can do, really. 

     For you non adhders, I've gotten a lot useful tidbits from alanon, too, if that applies to you. 

     Best of luck to everyone here. Thank you, everyone

    rara avis

  • financial disasters by: Szajnbrum 13 years 2 months ago

    I am having a problem managing, understanding and dealing with my ADHD husband's financial escapades. When he needs to go on a vacation, he has to go no mater what our financial state is. He is an impulsive spender and needs immediate gratification. If he needs an IPAD then he needs one now!! Trying to keep within a budget and delaying purchases and vacations seem particularly hard for him. Any suggestions?

  • NO ONE LISTENING by: justmetoo 13 years 2 months ago

    It is so lonely to be the non ADD spouse because anything you share about your life never seems to be remembered. I don't even know how this can be a relationship. Although there is a lot of compassion for what I am going through at the moment, I feel once that moment is gone , it is also gone from him.  I  just feel like I don't want to share anymore if it disappears from his mind so soon.  We are human beings that have a past,present and dreams of the future and I just don't understand that an ADD person only lives in the moment. Well, I do understand that this is just the way it is but I can't imagine anything more lonely than two people who love each other but only one of them remembers most of that life together.  IF THERE IS ANYONE OUT THERE WHO FEELS THE SAME WAY, PLEASE HELP ME.

  • Characters in movies and tv that I think had ADD by: NeedHope1980 13 years 2 months ago

    I see ADD everywhere now because I know what it looks like.  It's like buying a car and then you see it everywhere you go.

    One of my favorite movies is It's a Wonderful Life.  Uncle Billy had ADD.  He was the straw that broke the camel's back and sent George over the edge because he lost the $5000 and couldn't remember where he'd left it.  He was always tying ribbons on his fingers so he wouldn't forget things. 

    Denise on the Cosby show had ADD.  She dropped out of school, then got married in Africa, then forgot to call her husband's Navy office so they would get housing and then went from one idea to the next as to what career she should follow.

    When you watch it on tv the people seem funny and quirky, but in real life they can be a real burden with their loved ones always having to bail them out.

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