Hi all,

I've got a really awful cold, I didn't sleep all night (up til 4am, then my 2 year old woke up with a fever at 6am)  I'm exhausted.

Do I skip Adderall in favor of cold medicine (sudafed) or vice versa?

I'm interviewing a babysitter today, I've got to move my car (with my 2 year old) for street sweeping and then pick up my daughter from school, but no 'real' work today.

gotta get my daughter ready for school and have coffee now....

Thoughts?

thanks!

ellamenno

Hello all,

Though i know this is a very subjective question, but all those couples who have had a happy relationship, what are the qualities you think would work well with someone with typical ADHD characteristics. I am going for an arrange marriage & was curious what qualities would come at the top of your head - is "Opposites Attract" especially true in case of one spouse having ADHD? or does the ADHD spouse feels things might get dull and looks for someone more like themselves.

My personal incident when I first met with the girl: I asked her what were her strengths and weaknesses :
her strengths were: I am organized! I am very patient! I am a good listener!!!

and I was like bowled over as precisely the above three are in a way my top weaknesses :)

But sometimes when I meet her I feel what if things get a bit dull later on as she is a very routine oriented person very very much opposite to me, but then I feel maybe in the long run it would work well espl those ADHD low's we all face from time to time......... and ya she is attracted by my sense of humour, energy, kindness & down to earth nature .....

Would be glad to hear from people out there and what has there experience been like!

The story that follows is long and filled with self-pity, but I've tried to be as honest as possible and not "spin" it in my favor.  I do want someone to answer the following question:  Is a trait or characteristic of persons with ADHD to "defend" themselves by making you think you're crazy or just horribly prone to misunderstanding everything?  Is it a trait or characteristic to say "thoughtless" things without any idea of the pain they are causing?  I don't seem to have trouble understanding or being understood by anyone else in my family, in my work life and in my friendships.  Yet with my guy, if he says something that makes no sense to me, or hurts my feelings, and I ask about it, I am always the one who misunderstood.  Yet he usually isn't able to say what he meant.  If I don't get a handle on this one issue soon, I think I may be finished.  In the past month, without any conscious decision, I have totally restructured our finances, and cleared out the basement, attic and several closets, shredded two huge piles of old paperwork and repainted two rooms.  I have opened a bank account in my own name, and in January will start taking classes to become a yoga instructor --I'm burned out from the heavy duty jobs I've always held to make sure we had income and insurance-- it appears I am preparing to make some major changes. It will probably take at least one year to finish off some debt he incurred with a business venture, but once that is done, I can afford to be on my own.   I don't nag about undone chores -- I haven't for 25 years.  I do them myself, hire them done, or they go undone.  I don't nag about money - I have always paid the bills and he has always put his paycheck into our joint account, but now he is on cash only, with a credit card (in his name only) with a limit of $250.  But tonight I got just one more example of what appears to be a man who doesn't have any interest in me.  I keep trying to find ways for us to spend time together and somehow reconnect.  I said you hungry?  Yup.  Go put on your cute shirt and I'll take you out to dinner.  (I made sure it was early so we wouldn't have any restaurant crowds, and I picked a place that has his favorite dish.)  He seemed pleased.  We went.  He got out his phone once, but immediately put it away and said sorry.  But he got up twice to go into the bar to check the score of a college football game.  To my knowledge he has never watched a football game, college or otherwise, in his life.  He went to the bathroom.  But we ate, and it was good, and we talked a little.  On the way home, I said we could rent a movie to watch later.  He said, "we could."  A minute later he said "hate to waste a Saturday night."  The rest of the ride home was silent.  It was quite a long because he took a "shortcut", got "lost", and dismissed my suggestions on how to get back on track for home -- I only said "we could turn here I think, but was ignored.) He kept turning up the radio, and changing the station anytime I said anything conversational. Once parked in the driveway, he put his hand on the key and said "we done?"  I said yup, we're done.  And for a horrible moment it felt like we really were. He's spent the last two hours playing video games. Are we just a couple whose relationship has run its course?  Does ADHD cause people to say thoughtless things?  Like watching a movie with your wife is a "waste of a Saturday night"?  It feels like anyone else would say "No thanks, I'm not in the mood for a movie."  Like "are we done" after being taken out to dinner?  It was said in the tone of someone who was told they had to spend Sunday with a hated relative -- Are we done?  I once gave my daughter the book "He's Just Not That Into You" because her boyfriend treated her so badly.  Sadly, my relationship is in every one of those chapters.  If it is ADHD and I thought there was hope he would acknowledge it and we could work on improving things together, I would do that as part of the commitment I made to my husband.  But if he's just not that into me, then I really am crazy to keep doing the same things and hoping for something different.  He did nothing for my recent birthday, and when I asked why, he looked ashamed, hemmed and hawed, and then said he thought I didn't want to make a big deal of it.  I even felt shallow and immature for caring about my own birthday!  If I forever will be not "stimulating" enough to keep my husband's interest, I'd really rather be alone than feel constantly rejected.  I understand, and have learned to work with, the lack of organization, the trouble with procrastination and follow-through, the need to keep moving onto the next thing, or conversely, do the same thing for 12 hours straight.  I "get" the creative, out-of-the-box, fun guy.  I truly believes he "loves" me.  But I don't understand how loving someone can also include barely being able to tolerate their company.  Our dinner out?  One hour and fifteen minutes total.  And apparently at least half of it was pure torture for him.  I don't believe I can take it any more.  I'm starting to believe that loneliness would be a small price to pay for a little peace. 

I met an amazing man in January!  I was separated from my husband & he was in the midst of a divorce.  He owned his own business and seemed to be doing well.   He told me he had ADD, but I didn't see any signs of it other than excitement when telling me about a wonderful vacation trip he took last year.  Hey, I would be rambling and spilling over with excitement too--he went to Hawaii!   For 3 months, he showed all the signs of man head-over-heels in love... and I fell for him harder than I ever had for anyone in my life.  He was super attentive, focused, and romantic.  He lavished attention on me and I, so starved for that attention, lapped it up like a kitten.  Our days were filled with winks, smiles, hugs, lots of conversation, and kisses blowing back and forth.   He sang to me, sent text messages with song lyrics, & wanted to spend every waking minute with me.  He seemed to understand me like no one else ever had.  He read my changing emotions with lightning speed.  He helped me sort through a lot of the emotional baggage I had from my marriage--calmly, quietly, and methodically.  He cooked for me and surprised me with weekend trips.  When he had the weekends with his children, he sent me text messages throughout the day telling me he was thinking of me & missed me.  He woke me every morning with "good morning, sweetheart".  Sometimes I would wake up to find him just looking at me or stroking my face.  I was in HEAVEN!  During this time, I was staying at his place about 2/3 of the time. 

 He spoke of "our" future so easily and things were "clicking" like a fairytale, that when he suggested we get a place of our own together, I agreed, even though in the back of my mind I knew things were moving pretty quickly.  But this was LOVE--Love like I had NEVER felt before!

I know memories can be tricky, but it seemed that within the first 2 days together in a place of our own, things changed.  Actually, things changed as we were LOOKING for a place of our own.... he had so many ideas of where to live, good prices, reviews, and so on... the sheer quantity of information he was texting me or calling me about was overwhelming.  But, I chalked it up to excitement over our first place.  When we went to pick up my furniture, I noticed that he was fast-moving physically, but I was IMPRESSED---he managed to move ALL my furniture in a matter of 4 hours!  When we actually began staying in the apartment, he seemed agitated... he began flip-flopping in bed at night, he was restless, and our smooth morning "routine" (example:  him kissing my shoulder and smiling in the mirror while I was getting my makeup on) was non-existent.  He was rushed for work, always seemed preoccupied, and started "scarffing" down his meals.  He wanted to watch a lot of TV at night when he had rarely even turned it on before, except to listen to a music station.  His eyes seemed different--like he was looking everywhere at once.  When we talked, it was rushed and loud and many times he talked right "over" me or disregarded something I said completely.   He didn't seem to have any time for me anymore. 

Now that you have the background.... 8 months later he's in his own place & I'm in mine and we're trying to work through each of our divorces.  He had a meltdown about his business, which I think we resolved together.  He is HYPER. Everything is FAST, to the point where I get jittery just being around him.  He seems agitated, even when he says he isn't.  He has 1,000 ideas to my 1.  I used to think of myself as quick-witted, but I suddenly feel I'm sadly lacking in that dept.  He's on his phone constantly, either texting or playing games, or checking his email.  Conversations in the car are almost nonexistent... he says he gets into a "zone" when he drives and can't really hold a conversation.  He still sends winks my way and smiles and kisses, but as soon as I catch them, he's on to something else.

 I sat him down and told him how I feel... and how different our current relationship is from the one we had in the beginning.  I feel duped, tricked, and taken advantage of.  He says he was NOT pretending when he met me.  He says that was a wonderful time for him, too.  He said he lost the "security" of our relationship when each of us started having doubts about our divorces (we both went back to our spouses for a short period of time--mine lasted 1 day, his 5 weeks).  He says his current behavior is how he "really is".  He has encouraged me to read ADD/ADHD websites.  He says he has tried every known mixture of medications--stimulants, antidepressants, etc. until finally his doctor said his liver enzymes were so bad he would have to discontinue them.  He loves me.  He says in his mind and heart the love he has for me has only grown, not lessened.  He still talks of our future together as a "given".  But, the WAY in which he SHOWS he loves me has changed so DRAMATICALLY,  I don't know what to do.  It seems all the outstanding qualities I feel in love with are gone.  I WANT THE MAN I FELL IN LOVE WITH!  He says that is a part of him, but like multiple personalities, he cannot "WILL" it into existence.  He says once his divorce is over and things smooth out a little, he will probably get back to being more like that.  He's upset that he can't give me what I need to be happy and I'm upset that I'm making him upset!  But, I'm also totally perplexed regarding how someone can change like he has.  I love him and actually love some of the new personality that has come out of this... he's "zippier" and lots more adventurous, he has great ideas and plans for his business, and is very supportive of my ideas, too. 

I'm so sorry this is such a lengthy post and I feel somewhat guilty putting all this personal information out on the web for wolves to tear into, but I need some advice from those of you WITH ADD/ADHD.  Have you experienced a "honeymoon" phase like I described? Did you feel a huge difference when it ended, like you had been dropped off a cliff or was it subtle?  How did each of you come to terms with the changes? 

I appreciate everyone's input and, yes, we are both open to seeing a counselor/therapist in the future.