I am a wife of an undiagnosed ADD man who is 50 years old.  I first read the book, ‘The ADHD Effect on Marriage’ several months ago and asked my husband of two years to read it along with another book on the topic. He felt he could relate to some parts of the first book, and didn’t pursue reading the one on the effects of marriage.  He won’t go to the doctor to get diagnosed, but when reading the social, lack of organization and impulsive traits in the book, it described him perfectly. He is pretty focused when working and fortunately able to maintain a job as a service tech, so he has a lot of flexibility.  His first marriage was extremely turbulent and he blamed his ex since she was bi-polar, alcoholic and depressive. She attempted suicide on more than one occasion; they were married for 17 years.  I am researching ADHD again since our marriage is at a breaking point, with my 19 year daughter who couldn’t tolerate the constant tension moved out. We have still at home my 16 year old son and his 16 and 14 year old sons.  I can honestly say at this point I can relate to what his ex was feeling and why she did the things she did to cope.  While reading of the communication issues in the book, all of them appear in our marriage.  I recently had my doctor put me on a month long medical leave from work for stress related issues, which I never have done that in the past, my employer which required 100% of focus during work, wouldn’t hold down my job, so I’m now unemployed. I’ve now made it my priority to take better care of myself so I would like more information of the ‘Loving Detachment’ that was mentioned on one of the Threads.  I intend to find the book, but wondered if anyone has some ideas that have been successful.

I have been pretty hopeful in the past weeks things were starting to get better.  My husband was given Ritalin without the diagnosis he says and it helps but I can't seem to let go of the rage that has built up over the years.  I go from 0 - 120 enraged over even the littlest things. Today I am in full rage and I hate it.  I just want to be happy and enjoy my life but I feel the the kaos that surrounds me is stifling.  My husband has anger outbursts that are scary, well they used to be anyway now I challenge him.  He remembers none of what he has done or said so he is never to the point he feels bad but he will turn every single incident around on me which is such a blast!  He is the "victim"  whatever.  I don't go for the blame thing I just want a working solution but with him everyone is the blame but himself and he has a million and 1 excuses for everything.  Sometimes he yells at me because he is mad at himself.  If anyone can figure that one out let me know. He completely ignores me always on his phone texting or his computer.  Always says it's work but he also lies A LOT so who knows.  I used to care and snoop now I am like whatever.  He is always late, forgets everything. needs to constantly be mothered which he refers to as "teamwork" makes HORRIBLE decisions that I have to live with. It is never a good time to talk something is always more important and he only hears me if I bitch and nag.  I hate who I have become my self-esteem is at an all time low.  Mostly because if we do go out with friends he always picks apart my behavior and tells me how I humiliated him usually when i am drinking. Then proceeds to overexagerate what happend to the point I have isolated my self from most of our friends and neighbors.  I am learning now he has actually made stuff up to make me look and feel worse.  He once told me all his friends thought I was a "f'ing B" lovely and another time his friend took something I said out of context and I got yelled at for it - long story but it was bad.  I am pretty much no longer friends with any of his friends.  I stay home with my kids 2 and 4.  I had a creeer but had to give it up and turn down a promotion so he coulk take one of those "If this pans out I'll make a million" deals.  Were on the 5th one of those now in debt and stuck in this cycle of what I feel like is Hell.  I swear I am not a bad person.  I used to be fun, funny, the life of the party a friend to all and as supportive as can be.  I used to be loving, affectionate all those wonderful things now I am cold, angry, can't stand to be touched well except by my kids and crave positive attention of any form but am so insecure I am constantly replaying every conversation in my head to make sure I didn't do or say anything.  It's exhausting.  I am at a loss.  I really am.  I could go on for days so I better stop here.  I think everyone knows the traits of an ADHD husband and how lonely and angry it can get.  

As a creative, I always knew I had organizational problems, but it wasn't until I was in a relationship for four years did the accumulation of all of my ADD tendencies take a toll.  I didn't realize it during the relationship but so many of the symptoms fit now that I am about a year away from our break-up and newly self diagnosed with ADD within the last week or so. 

My then fiance couldn't trust me with our finances b/c of my impulsive buying and past debt I had incurred partially out of unemployment and partially out of inability to cope with paperwork.  He resented being the "boring dutiful one" when I offered to let him pay my bills.  He always wondered why I couldn't try harder.  He was always upset about the household chores being neglected.  He found me ultimately irresponsible.  By the time I lost my job because I couldn't focus well enough on excel spreadsheets proofreading figures (one aspect of my job), he told me while he didn't want to break up there was no way we could get married.  He had a nightmare about how disorganized everything would be when we had children, because everything would be worse.  When I lost my job I broke up with my fiance because I was so tired of trying to live up to his expectations.  When we had gotten engaged I had suggested he take full reins of all of our finances.  But he just wanted me to be able to care for my own independently.

In the end he was worried fiscally what a huge toll it would be to marry someone like me who couldn't be a partner in the true sense of the word.  It was devastating to never find acceptance for my flaws.  I don't really know where to go from here.  It almost feel worse that all his fears were justified in not wanting an ADD partner in life.  It makes me feel like an inadequate person and I feel overwhelmed and frightened I will never make a good wife/mother/spouse.

I have been reading this website for a month or so and it has been a bit eye opening and also scary because so many of the posts are similar to my own situation with my husband. My husband exhibits so many of the symptoms of ADHD and has experienced these since childhood. He finally went to see a pyschologist and after completing a couple of hours of testing, basically filling out a bunch of questionnaires and surveys, they diagnosed him with bipolor disorder and not adhd. Now we are super confused, frustrated and really don't know where to go from here. My husband is very discouraged. I am having a hard time believing the bipolar diagnosis. I may be in denial but I just don't see it even once I read about the disorder. In a nutshell my husband has the following characteristics: inability to concentrate, trouble following multiple step instructions (esp directions for assembly, that type of thing), problems focusing, cannot focus to read without complete silence and no interruption (he does not read books because of the problems concentrating, this is even when he is just reading an article on the internet), trouble sitting still, very active, always on the move, angers easily, and has trouble controlling his impulses (such as breaking things if he cannot get them to work within a short timeframe). He had trouble in school when he was young because he couldn't focus. One thing that does not seem typical adhd is that he does NOT procrastinate, it's almost the other end of the spectrum for that - once he gets an idea in his head, he completes (or attempts to complete) the task immediately. He is also extremely organized and if things are out of place it drives him crazy. He is pretty hyper which I know is characteristic with manic episode of bipolor but I just dont see any kind of swings. He has mood swings in the sense that when something sets him off then he gets angry quickly and acts impulsively. But he doesn't have swings where he is hyper then depressed or anything like that. He is just a hyper type person all the time.  I'm wondering if anyone went through something similar and any insight that you can provide. Thanks a bunch!