If you ask me, I'd tell you that going out of town on vacation is our 2nd biggest obstacle.  And we're about to go on an almost 1000 mile road trip!  To say I'm nervous or have anxiety about this trip would most definitely be an understatement.  So far, no matter how I've tried to make leaving town easier (for both of us), I still end up with the same amounts of frustration and resentment.  When DH is around his family (especially his dad and brother) we cease to exist for the most part.  He is no help with the kids, and it's near impossible to get his attention.  This road trip he's decided we're driving out of our way so that we can stay at his brother's and avoid that nights hotel fare.  His brother lives in an empty house.... no beds, couches, pillows, blankets... empty.  ....*sigh*....I know how this trip is going to go.  Just like the ones before have gone.  He gets home BEAMING of a wonderful vacation, and I'm pissed off and tired and emotional.  So, my question is.... how do I do this differently?  If I hand him responsibilities before we go, we end up leaving HOURS after we planned because he waited until the kids were bucked into their car seats before he did any of it.  He wont NOT make time to see his family.  Nor do I necessarily expect him to, I just don't see why it always has to throw off the whole trip.  I've tried asking him not to stay up till midnight or later when he knows we have to be on the road early.  I've tried adjusting the schedule, I've tried different techniques for getting his attention..... all to no avail!  Grrrr!  It's so dang frustrating!!!  This is supposed to be a yearly trip that's about spending time with my oldest son (lives with his dad), and I feel like I'm having to drag him away from his family members every time!  We see his family numerous times throughout the year, I get 2 days of visitation a year.  Ugh.... I'm really starting to dread this trip, and I don't want to feel like that.

I started coming here after I began a quick google search for an online support group for spouses with adhd. I have been reading for about 2 weeks now and finally decided to register. Sadly I have no drive in me left to type out all that I have been through in the past 13 years. Seriously it is written throughout this board! I can start with me and what I feel is my part in this whole mess. I believe I am the non~adhd'er even though I am the one in counseling and in the past taken medication. I have seen a psychiatrist who dx me with a "mood disorder". Im fine with that. I have a tendency to be very analytical, a perfectionist with a dash of OCD. This, I believe, developed during my time as a single parent where there was no room for error. Soon I began drinking. This I found was the only thing that would slow down that merry go round that exists in my head. I met my spouse at work. We were together for 6 years before we were married. 6 loooong years that I had alot of opportunities to end the relationship. I kick myself now for thinking that things would change. It was great in the beginning. It really tackled that thing called loneliness. Soon I began to notice how lazy he was and figured it was all in the way he was raised but since he was 7 years younger then myself, perhaps he could learn the "right way" through me, lol. Well that certainly didnt work and here I am 13 year later finally realizing I'm not totally to blame. I could sit here and paint a horrific picture of my husband but in all honesty, Im tired of even thinking about it. Some days I dont even want to be married anymore because I am so tired of all of the crap. He deliberately does everything opposite to what/how I say, so much so I have no desire to attempt communication at all, not to mention I feel I have to dumb-down. I dont bother asking him to do anything because its always half ass and the end result is me correcting whatever it is. No matter what I say or do, I am wrong, my opinions are worthless. He doesnt stand beside me in anything I do, more like against me. We have been married for 7 years and he refuses to acknowledge our wedding anniversary but will scream from the top of the roof the day he asked me to be his "girlfriend"which has a 6 day difference from the date we actually said "I do" His idea was to get married on that day, which happens to be my eldest sons birthday. I was no way going to give him that day to rip from my son. So now I pay for it (emotionally) every year. This year I didnt realize it was my anniversary until that actual day! and I was on facebook, saw the date and thought, ok this day looks familiar. Whats significant and I swear it dawned on me about 10 min later that it was in fact my anniversary :( He came home and since he has been making great strides to change his behavior, I hoped and hoped for him to say it. I could have said it but why would I? for the past 6 years when I did, I was reminded that it WASNT in fact my anniversary and that our anniversary was NEXT week. Notice I keep saying MY anniversary because seriously it isnt HIS.

We got married in Vegas. I had 2 weeks to plan a very important day. We had talked about getting married for a long time but thats as far as it went. One day he was discussing the length of our relationship with some women in the office and apparently they told him that they were surprised I was still with him 6 years without a "paper commitment" so thats when he decided that he wanted to get married. At the time I was a bit upset that after all our talks of marriage he decided NOW after talking with the girls at the office.....anyhow, I wanted this to be a day to remember. I searched for a dress. nothing to fancy something simple. He actually questioned why I needed a dress! im actually shaking just thinking about it. Long story short it was both of our first time in Vegas. We both had sets of family members there and quite often I couldnt find him. He much rather sit at tables and gamble with his brother. A quick senario is I would be standing there with him and turn to talk to my sister and *poof* like that hes gone without letting me know WHERE/WHICH way he was going. He was like a kid in a candy store. On our drive home he had already taken off his wedding ring. He never wore it until recently......

I have slowly lost myself in these last 13 years....things that I would never accept I find myself accepting, making excuses for everything. I feel like nothing consequential ever happens to him because Im constantly making sure it doesnt. He wont make a decision for the life of him. Wont go anywhere alone. Lies to no end and when he is caught says he was joking. He sees how far he can get with you and if you dont say anything he WILL NOT tell you he was joking. It almost like he does it to make you wrong or look stupid in his eyes so he is the one laughing at you for even believing him. (hard to explain) with that said, God forbid if YOU DONT TAKE HIM SERIOUS or kill the damn joke with a true response before he can execute it. Which leads me to my drinking. I blame no one for my drinking but myself. It sure did make life with him easier. Like I said while I was a singe mom I had no room for error, I pretty much play out a situation before it even happens by thought ( i mean doesnt everyone?) and thats pretty much how it would go, most of the time I was right, simple common sense, and sometimes I wasnt right but would learn from the situation. He doesnt think that way. All of my anger and frustration would eventually come out when I drank. Not really good but damn it felt good to "stand up for myself" and know Im no fool. My marriage was not good at all. and in 2006 we were on the brink of divorce. I decided maybe it was my drinking and decided to quit. I have been 5 years sober now, Im at the end of my rope with him. Im surprised I lasted this long and am just looking for a way out. I cant continue to walk on egg shells. Cant continue to bite my tongue. I have been so short with him lately and Im not a mean person. Very passive actually. Try to never get myself in situations where I may have to be mean. Like most here I have tried to compromise everything under the sun to find a mutual happy medium. I feel like im being unfair to him with my thoughts of wanting to leave or divorce. I dont believe I could ever tell him that I suspect he has add/adhd. nothing is ever his fault and he will break stuff to prove it. Funny how he's perfect and nothing is his fault YET this is what he tells me that I think I am! He says, "you think your perfect and that the world revolves around you and everything is about you but its not." If I mention anything about the way I feel he is sure to say, why is it always about you? Thats why I dont tell him anything anymore.... gosh I dont even think I exist anymore :(

Just want to mention the hell I have been through for the past 6 weeks with him. I just gave birth to *our* 3rd child, recovering from my 3rd c-section, he is verbally rushing the nurse to get my discharge papers together. I seriously wanted to stay longer. I have a 3 and a 2 year old at home plus 2 teens. gimme a break. so we leave, come home, he invites everyone and his dog over. His vacation starts the day I deliver. Supposedly he takes time off to help me recover from the section. It seriously is harder when he is here. He swears all these things he is gonna get done around the house. Hires my 19 year old son to paint our 2 story, 3k ft house ALONE with 10 gallons of paint and a roller. No joke.....The 2nd day my son was here I saw all the paint on my patio and windows i wanted to die. I began painting myself. YUP 2 weeks post partum im on a ladder painting my house. Then he finally began painting too when his uncle said lets help her. He was staying busy because his uncle was here and that kept him on task. I seriously thought I fell in love with him again. The honeymoon ended when his uncle was done and my husband began playing black ops all day. watching futureama and married with children on netflix. So its the entire series for both sit coms. While im breastfeeding, cooking, cleaning, and caring for 2 toddlers, getting kids registered, school shopping making dr appts ATTENDING dr  appts (you gett he picture) I began hearing pigeon coo's throughout my house, first he states he doesnt hear what im hearing (his lie) so then i wait until the kids get home from school and ask them in front of him, of course they hear it too. So apparently while painting the 2nd story he removed the grid to prevent the birds from flying in there and making a coup and never put it back up. n i c e. I reminded him that he need to put the grid back up there that the birds crapping up there bringing their food ect was not healthy for the babies. 1 week goes by, 2nd week, i give him another reminder.....3rd week i still hear them and i just want to cry. I dont remind him often to do things. I shouldnt have to. my teens were saying oooh the sound of the birds is scarey, shh you can hear them ect....and he still didnt budge....so i "ignore" it too and soon thought wait i havent heard the birds????so i asked him did you fix it? he said no i havent got to it yet. now the analytical me says "yes he did, i dont hear them anymore, he's trying to make me wrong again" and i still have no idea whether or not it is fixed but i dont hear any birds.....

Anyone have any pointers as to how I can bring it to his attention to get him evaluated for add/adhd? I dont even know what I want. not sure I love him enough, anymore, to continue with the misery. I think I have been detaching myself from him for the past 5 years and for that I feel sorry for him. Thats really whats keeping me here.

edited to add: I have seen the same therapist for the past 5 years in which I of course have described my husbands behavior and scenarios re my husband. She said to me she cant dx him but from what I say he sounds really adhd with narcissist tendencies. I kinda knew the narcissist but the adhd was new to me. I find his behavior in alot of these posts here in the message board....so he is undiagnosed.

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about a month and a half ago. I had performed some research on ADHD and realized how it was always there from the day we got married, had our child and present day.  He is taking Adderall and it took awhile for him to get the right amount but it seems it has stabilized him. 

I think I'm on the brink of depression because I can't seem to figure out the right time to approach him about anything.  Everything he tells me I do wrong, he is actually doing.  He has been out drinking with his co-worker which reports to him.  He has no other friends.  I went through being the whole focus of his life, he was always so expressive vocally and physically.  We had our child about 6 years ago the same time he started to work for this company.  He has been working here all this time.  He works very hard.  Lately, he has been drinking almost everyday. 

We had an episode about two weeks ago where he thought he was going to get a promotion and was convinced he was not. He called me completely irrate, telling me all he wanted to do was get drunk and forget who he was and that his brain was so messed up.  He didn't want to be around me, his family or anyone else he knew. He told me he had not taken his medication at all that day.  He was just not making any sense when he was talking.  He yelled at me and blamed me for something (I can't remember what it was) then got off the phone abruptly. He called me about 5 minutes later to tell me he was sorry.  He ended up asking for space that night, which I gave him but instead of coming home, he ended up at his co-workers house until the next day.  Apparently, he had misinterpreted my text asking him if he wanted me to wait up for him or to give him space.  He said give him space.  He did text me to tell me that he was taking a cab and crashing at the co-worker's house.

He came home that morning and I had a talk with him asking him if he wanted this marriage. He looked me in the eye and told me that he did.  He told me he loved me.  I told him he had to make a decision about what he wanted because what he did two times now would not happen again.  I would not go through it again.  I then told him that we need to work on our relationship.   Before all this we have been doing date night every Friday and have missed the last two. He has told me more than once that he doesn't want to go out with this person.  He wants him and I to hang out and go and do things.

About two months before that, he did the same thing but never called me that night.  He came home apologizing and was very sorry.  Said it would never happen again.  He got so drunk he couldn't think straight.  Told me he was dumb and it hurt our relationship and he should not go out drinking like that.  He crashed at his co-worker's house again that night.

 We had come close to him wanting a divorce in Feb because of all sudden he didn't want to do this anymore .  He had told me that he still loved me (he had stopped telling me that everyday) but the nagging  and controlling was impossible to live with.  Anyway...that was really rough but we got through that.  This is when I had begged him to get some help that something was not right.  He waited until this time to get the help. It just seems that he uses the drinking as a way to unwind.  It is always the person he is with, his coworker.  He tells me he is a grown man and that it should not matter that he has a couple of cocktails after work.  He waits until he sobers up before he drives home.

Anyway, I have noticed that he has been very physical with me.  Holding me, touching me, always telling me he loves me.  This has happened gradually as he has taken his medicine.  He also has a side job that he told me he was trying to get out of, but it seems to be that every couple of weeks, he has something to do with.  We are not having any sex in about a month because he is finding he has ERD because of the Adderall, but this morning we got closer to it. 

My son is sick today and I asked him to come home on time to give me a break.  He asked me to get my mother to watch him.  I told him she should not be available when it is us as parents that should take care of our sick child. He told me he couldn't because he was doing the side job tonight.  I didn't know anything about it until he mentioned it.  I can't help it but  don't know what to think other than it is an excuse for him to go out and drink?  He has been answering my texts.  Told me he was having a bad day (he always is) and called me when he was at lunch getting something to eat.  He was very short with me.  He called me about two hours later after I sent him a text telling him I was falling apart and really stressed and burned out to check to see how I was doing.  His tone was so different. I could tell he had taken his medicine.

He doesn't spend money excessively, he does charge everything on the credit card.  I become paranoid because I think he is going out to drink again like he did once this week.  I do all the finances, take care of my son's appts, make sure food is on the table and laundry is done.  I also work full time.

My mother-in-law has taken care of getting my son from school the past two weeks because I can not get off early enough.  My husband can't either because he never gets off on time lately.  He has gotten word last week that he will now be promoted.  He had apparently misunderstood what they were doing.  He keeps telling me he is scared he won't get it but has a new found lease on life and has been very aggressive in getting all his work done. I forgot to mention there are only two of them in the department. He had someone fired which he later regretted the mistake, because he realized the workload is now uncontrollable to the point where he is ALWAYS working.  So he has been home late every day this week for one reason or another.  He was late on Monday because we had a family dinner and he had a last minute meeting.  He was late on Tuesday and I asked him if he had gone out to drink and he admitted it to me on the phone.  I asked him with who and he told me with his co-worker.  Wednesday, him and his brother took his dad out for a birthday dinner.  Tonight, he can't come home on time because he has this side job.  Doesn't know what time he will come home. He gets angry when I ask him that every time and I understand a ADHD person has issues with time, so maybe that is why?  He has also been chronically late every morning and it is getting worse.  He used to be early to work every day except for the past three weeks.  He tells me he is exhausted and when he takes the Adderall all he wants to do is sleep but he can't seem to shutdown.

He comes home everyday and immediately gets on his computer and starts working.  It's like he never stops working.  His time management at work is getting worse, because he doesn't even have time to take a full lunch anymore, yet alone call me.  That has almost diminished.  He now starting not to finish the tasks he was to perform the night before.  Yesterday he was supposed to do two things and could only get one done because the other one took too much time.

I try to talk to him about reading the ADHD Affects on Marriage book and tell him about his son.  He has such empathy for him but has averaged, especially, this week, seeing him a total of a couple of hours.

Just when I think he is not hearing me telling him he has to try to engage and pay attention to me and his son, he does it!  So I don't know if it is the medicine or the guilt of what he is really doing.

I trust him but because he holds things from me should I be worried?  I think our physical touching, hugging, holding hands, kissing and caressing each other is getting so much better!  But right now I'm looking at the clock knowing I won't hear from him until he is on his way home and it bothers me.

I know he has been talking to his psychiatrist because the night he went out drinking this week I asked him if he was having an affair.  He got so upset with me and told me not to start doing that again.  He said that I was insecure and just kept yelling.  He got a cigarette.  Instead of letting it go, I couldn't.  I lashed out at him about his drinking and that he needs to be straight up with me because I couldn't stand doing this anymore.  He then told me to go away and leave him alone. I then went to the room crying and he finished his cigarette, turned on the light and asked me to look at him in the eye. He told me that he was not sleeping with anyone and never has and that I need to understand that once and for all.  He said that it drives men away when their spouse keeps saying that. Then he told me that I need to hear his queue when he asks me to leave before he blows up and that his psychiatrist told him to say, please leave me alone and he asked me to listen to that queue.  That made me feel good because it to me it looks like he is talking to his psychiatrist about us.

Am I being paranoid?  If I go out with a friend, I tell him ahead of time...I also want to add, I have lost a lot of weight and am trying to get myself straight, but I can't help thinking the way I do because the attention is not there. He notices me and tells me I'm beautiful so again the communication is there, but not consistently.  I know our marriage hasn't been perfect and I am trying to let go of the anger and move forward but can't help but think something else is catching his attention and it might not be good.

Any advice you can provide would be helpful! 

UPDATE:  He just called me again to tell me that he was on his way to the side job!  He wanted to check on both of us to see how we were doing.  I don't know what to think anymore.