Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Overwhelmed and married for 24 years by: CarolineB 13 years 1 month ago

    Hi, I am new to this forum but so glad I found it.  I am 45 my husband is 49 and we have two teenage children.  Our son age 15 has severe autism and was diagnosed at age 3 and with epilepsy age 11.  Our daughter is 17 and planning on university next year, she also has issues (not entirely sure if she has ADHD).

    For a long time I thought my husband may have Aspergers Syndrome which is on the autism spectrum (high functioning, can hold down a job). However it turns out that he may not have it but has ADHD. These last few weeks have been hell for us both and it was a true lightbulb moment when I read up on ADHD. Our son was tested for this age 9 but he doesnt have it.  There are so many similarities with Aspergers and ADHD!

    My husband and I are two very different people, I knew this from the moment we got together 25 years ago. There was something so incredibly attractive about him, life and soul, a comedian, very attentive in our courtship days and hyperfocused. We were very much in love with one another and we still are but for years we have argued and beat each other up with so many things.  He is incredibly like our daughter, they can have long conversations about nothing in particular and will go into great detail, both great philosophers! I have learnt over the years to let them get on with it but have felt incredibly pushed out and alone too, he is so attentive to her partly because he feels that she has had it tough having an autistic brother, granted this has undoubtedly had an impact on her. They have a great understanding of one another, I have felt so resentful that they are so close but my husband is really trying hard to see my side of things, he is unable to discipline her like I can.

    We have argued because we have had so much confusion about one another, so many misunderstandings, we constantly talk to try and understand one another but its so tiring. I have tried to leave a couple of times over the years but I love this man with all my heart and soul, but he is struggling so much with depression, anxiety, excessive talkativeness, hyperactive, hyperfocused on his job (he works in medical sales). I am trying to be as supportive as I can with him right now but its incredibly difficult when he is so oppositional about so many things, including involving our home. For instance for ages I have wanted to renovate the house, we can afford it but means increasing our mortgage but he just won't do it. Renovating will mean that it will enable our son to be more independent. My husband has major issues with money, he doesnt like to let go of it at all, he works hard for his family and doesnt want the upheaval. I feel I have to put all my plans on hold all of the time, I think of ways to try and improve our lives in order to move forward but he just wants to have fun and go out more. We do go out as a couple on our own when we can so this is not the issue really. We know our son will live with us for a very long time, perhaps forever, but major house improvements need to happen. 

    We went to see my own counsellor this evening with a view to marriage counselling but he was so angry the whole time in there, angry about no one understanding our situation with our son, angry at me about the house, just plain angry. I will stop here now as am exhausted, but needed to just start out with writing here.  My husband has agreed to be assessed for ADHD next week in London so that's the first hurdle, he keeps saying he was so much better on Prozac as he has taken this a couple of times over the years, granted he was much more relaxed, used to come home from work and do his OCD stuff like cleaning the house before he sat down, but we just dont know at this point what medication he will need. He just needs help with so many things, his anger, rage, distraction etc.

    thanks for listening.

     

     

  • ADHD by association? by: threefifthsadhd 13 years 1 month ago

    Hi!  I am a newcomer to this forum and site (and very thankful that I found it via the book!).  I am a non-ADHD spouse, with a husband and two kids who have ADHD.  The kids (one boy, one girl) were diagnosed about 5 years ago, and are doing very well on meds (Concerta) and lots of support and modifications at school.  My husband has never been formally diagnosed, although we both realize that he has ADHD based on his symptoms and the symptoms we see in our kids.  He recognizes himself as a "classic case."  He recently started taking meds as we are in the middle of the downward spiral talked about in the book, and I am feeling completely overwhelmed (Melissa's story could be mine, word for word).  He is not convinced that the meds will work, despite the success we've observed in both our kids (I also recognize that they may not work for him, even though they worked for the kids).  In any case, on to the topic of my post...are there any non-ADHD spouses out there who sometimes feel like they have ADHD by association?  I am normally a very organized person, but I find many days lately where I forget the simplest of tasks on my to-do list, and it's really out of the ordinary for me.  Back to the book...I'm highlighting so my husband and I can have 'story time' each night, and he doesn't have to sit through the parts that aren't relevant to us. :)

  • just need support and understanding by: fedup 13 years 1 month ago
    Hello. This is my first time posting. My husband of almost 5 years has (not yet formally diagnosed) adhd. He has just started seeing a psychologist for testing and hopefully medication. I am really struggling knowing potential relief for myself of his behaviors is hopefully around the corner, however I also understand it will not be immediate, and not without lots of work on both of our parts. I guess I need guidance and support related to the fact that I am at the end of my rope and hardly want to be in the same room with him anymore. His nervous energy, pacing, tics, etc. Are driving me insane. He just gives me an uncomfortable feeling and creates anxiety in me. Is this normal to be so "over it" that you just don't even want to be in the room with them? He is getting help (after years of me nagging) and I'm grateful for that and proud of him, but it is still so tough. Maybe its more difficult because we are on the ISP of him (hopefully) getting better. You know, how the last mile in a Marathon is the toughest because you know you're almost there. Also probably important to mention that we have a 3 year old. I really wantto stay a family and do what ittakes, but I am so tired and so frustrated. I've tolerated it for so long. I think I just feel done. Like come back when you're well. Otherwise get away from me with your craziness. My husband mostly has nervous energy, some very mild tics(like neck popping and shoulder shrugs). He taps stuff, taps his feet, pcks his fingernails, and paces. He also gets irritable and can't tolerate stress well. He does not have problems at work. He is not spending like crazy or cheating or anything awful, but the daily energy he exudes is just awful. So, sorry for being long-winded, but any advice on how to be more compassionate, tolerant, etc, so that I can make it through the next few months? If you have any other questions about the situation I am happy to answer them as well.
  • New prescriber doesn't think my husband has ADD! by: Sueann 13 years 1 month ago

    As I've posted before, my husband lost his job and therefore, his insurance. I finally set him up to go to a county-run treatment center, which won't prescribe for ADD, because he was out of his anti-depressants. He's sleeping 12 hours a day, not looking for a new job, not doing anything in the house, etc. He had a bottle of ADD meds, but lost them!

    The person they had him see is a Physician's Assistant, not a doctor. She thinks he doesn't have ADD at all, just depression. He seems like a textbook inattentive ADD case to me: distracted, loses things, wouldn't do the work in school, etc. How can people with the same training come to different conclusions? How can he get a good answer without insurance to have another evaluation? We don't have any place to get the SPECT studies, and have no money to travel.

  • Anyone else worried about how your marriage looks to your children? by: Cathryn 13 years 1 month ago

    I haven't read or posted here in a long time, but this thought came to me today.  Your children's view of marriage is based on what they see from their mother and father.  And I'm scared to death that my kids are not seeing a very healthy relationship.  They are still young-5, 3, and 1yo.  I'm not wanting a divorce, there's just no way I can do that to my kids.  But my ADD husband and I just can't be showing them how a good, healthy marriage should be.  He is constantly letting me down, ruining my plans, not being on my team when we discipline the kids.  And the fact that I feel completely emotionally detatched from him, I can't even pretend to show him true affection or put on a front that I'm happy and that we care for each oh-so much.  I literally cringe sometimes when he shows me affection.  I know that sounds awful but I just can't help it.  When those feelings are there, I simply cannot fake it.  He has no complaints about me really.  I'm simply not close to him-you know that ol' talking to a brick wall thing-and I can't fake it in front of my kids as much as I may try.  I love him, and it's not like we scream at each other in front of the kids.  But I know they're not seeing what I want them to see and I'm scared to death this will negatively affect their views on marriage and affect their own marriages in the future.  I'm not complaining about my husband himself, but just-how can I help my kids know what a good marriage should be? 

    By the way, he refuses to do anything about his ADD let alone learn anything about it. 

  • Yay!! Literal positive step forward! by: needsalifeline 13 years 1 month ago

    Even though I have NEVER mentioned it to him, my DH is about 60 pounds overweight.  The extra weight really doesn't look bad on him, considering how tall he is so even when he mentioned it I just told him he looked fine (he was underweight and looked like a walking skeleton when I met him).  We have had WAY bigger issues than his weight to deal with.  Well...at his doctor appt. yesterday they told him that with his family history of diabetes, he needs to get off the computer, exercise and lose some of the weight.  Also yesterday he joined the flag football team (at the college he goes to) and they had their first game.  Hahahahaha he wasn't as "in shape" as he thought he was.  So this morning on the way to work/school he looks over at me and says "I am going to start walking with you after work".  I usually go for a run every night so I guess I am slowing to a walk, but it was so awesome to see him make a positive decision by himself with NO input from me!!!  :)

     

  • How to get him to listen by: kutiegsweet 13 years 1 month ago

    I'm recently married to my wonderful husband Vincent and I love him more than anything and although we've been together for over a year now I'm just now beginning to realize how much his ADHD affects our relationship. Even though we are both aware that he has ADHD and I try so hard to understand what he's thinking It's still hard for me to try and communicate my feels to him without making it seem like I'm attacking him. It seems every time I start to try to explain to him that when he does this or that it makes me feel like this he automatically goes into defense mode and forgets why we are talking in the first place and starts saying whatever he can to hurt me or I guess make me feel like the way i'm making him feel. How do I explain to him my feelings without making him respond this way?

  • A Challenge for You by: gardener447 13 years 1 month ago

    Not sure what category this belongs in, but this forum has a "positive" title, so I'll go with it.  I'm declaring today "Be Authentic Day".  This is a one-time free pass to be your best authentic self.  Not the perfect self your mother, your teachers, your spouse or your friends "expect" you should be.  But the real, fabulous, unique best self you know you are somewhere inside.  Feel like a parent most of the time and hate it?  Today you are free instead to be your authentic self, and not a parent.  Hope you enjoy it!  Feel like you're treated like a child who can't be trusted to take of yourself or your family?  Day Off!  Today you are free instead to be your best self and show it off to the world!  Feel angry and resentful, and resenting that you feel that way?  Holiday!  Today you are free to show everyone how fun, funny and lighthearted you are deep down!  Feel tired, hopeless and like you just can't get started?  Poof!  Gone!  Go ahead and show the world the sparkling, full-of-energy person you know yourself to be!  (pssst.  You may get shocked a few times and forget today is YOUR day to be YOU in all your loving, strong, ADULT, no-excuses, fun-loving glory.  That's okay.  Be Authentic Day lasts until midnight, so you get another shot! But it may not come again for a while, so grab your chance.)  Best wishes.

  • Non-ADHD Husband and Recently Informed of Condition by: michaelj in florida 13 years 1 month ago

    WOW!  My wife and I are 40 pages into The ADHD Effect and I am astounded.  Unfortunately I am also nearly out-of-time to save our marriage (and to spare our 10 year old boy and 12 year old girl the tragedy of divorce and its effects on children).  We also have (2) older 20-something boys from her previous marriage that her and I raised together since marrying in 1998.  

    My wife has been aware of her ADHD condition for nearly 10 years.  I found out about it a week ago, by accident, from the pharmacist as she handed me a "refill" of Adderall that my wife has been taking for the last (10) years.  I knew she was taking a daily pill but I had always been told that it was to assist her "digestion" and it was prescribed to her to combat "constipation".  Once questioned about it, I learned from her last week that it was for ADHD.  Upon some quick research, I picked up a copy of The ADHD Effect.  We are about 40 pages into it at this time. 

    Unfortunately, my wife is so discouraged that her mind is nearly made-up that divorce is the only "answer".  I, on the other hand, come from the camp that this is, or can be, "a new beginning".  My wife is not nearly so eager to agree.  We have been in conventional counseling for the last (12) months and it has gone predictably nowhere.  Conventional "relationship books" have also been shown to be equally fruitless.  My wife's symptoms have trumped EVERYTHING that has been presented to her through conventional counseling and relationship books.  My wife and I discontinued the counseling a couple of weeks ago as she felt we were at an impasse.  I know now (by way of Ms. Orvol's book) that my wife's symptoms not being addressed or treated properly, why our efforts have gone nowhere.  I also realize that the fact that our counseling was not ADHD-specific, it also stood little or no chance of improving things between us.  (By the way, our marriage counselor was also uninformed as to my wife's ADHD and therefore was not given opportunity to focus on this or to refer us to an ADHD-specialized counselor).       

    The accuracy of pages 3 and 4 of this book nearly knocked me out of my chair.  I knew that I had finally found my answers.  Even as skeptical as my wife is right now, her "armor" has shown signs of cracking under the pressure of the accuracy of this book as to our life experiences together.  Reluctantly, and in her own quiet way, she has begun to admit that what we are reading is spot-on as it relates to what we have been going through as a couple.  (Most specific to our experiences are): 

    • Her lack of attention and affection for her husband. (Over the last 10 years, every single hug, kiss, and sexual encounter between us was instigated by me.  Resistance was often high.  Total rejection was common.) 
    • Her constantly and intently focusing on anything and everything other than me was a daily occurence. 
    • Her OVERWHELMING belief that I am CONTROLLING.  (This is her admitted primary motivation for divorce).
    • Her OVERWHELMING belief that I am a FATHER FIGURE.  (This is her admitted secondary motivation for divorce although it is running a close-second to the former).
    • Over the past year, she sits in front of a magnified make-up mirror for 2 - 3 hours per day tweezing and looking for imperfections.
    • Over the past year, she retreats to the playing of video games on her smart phone for 2 - 3 hours per day.
    • Over the past year she appears depressed and is highly defensive.
    • My withdrawal and isolation over the last (5) years which I now know was a defense mechanism to avoid the pain of rejection.  I also turned to more frequent use of alcohol (mostly at home) during this time.  I stopped drinking cold-turkey in November of 2010 once the seriousness of our problems came to the surface in order to "take that off the table" as a primary reason for our marital problems.  Prior to that, I thought we were just "distant" and "coping". 
    • My feeling at times that I had another child in the home rather that an adult.
    • Her perception of time.  (We did the "paper towel roll" exercise and she agreed that this was an accurate representation as to how she perceives time to be).
    • Living in the NOW.  (This is, for me, perhaps the scariest and most frustrating symptom of ADHD.  This, along with "time perception", is the reason that I believe that the consequences of divorce and its effects on the children (for example) do not strike her as they do me.  Those moments have not yet arrived, therefore they do not exist!).  Further, as "family history", "fond memories", "hard work", "devotion" and "commitment", all things that I have tirelessly demonstrated over the last (13) years of marriage, seem not to effect her decision-making at all.   These things only exist in the past even if they occurred as recently as two days ago.  These things are what I now call "outside" of her "circle of time".  My thinking is that most of us are motivated by both the experiences of our past as well as our desires and hopes for the future.  How is one motivated if they are arguably motivated by neither?  

    I suppose that now we are in the "battle stage" of diagnosis and treatment.

    THE GOOD NEWS:  My wife has reluctantly made an appointment with her doctor to go in and discuss her medications and perhaps focus more intently on her ADHD symptoms.  Almost as importantly, she is considering allowing me to go in with her in order for us to both make sure that the doctor is aware of ALL of her symptoms.  My wife has in incredibly consistent way of minimizing and/or denying her symptoms which is why I want to discuss these things with her doctor as a couple.  A couple that is in very serious trouble.  Ironically, it is impossible to "press her" into allowing me to go with her without being perceived by her as being even more "controlling".  (She is currently taking (2) 15 mg Adderall tablets and (1) 20 mg Celexa per day.  (The latter being an anti-depressant that she only started within the last (3) weeks).  

    If there is any advice out there, the question I would have relates to an "event" that happened just prior to what seemed to be my wife's ADHD symptoms going haywire.  When our oldest boy left home over a year ago, my wife took to her bed for (4) days straight.  I chalked it up to "empty nest syndrome" and concluded that it was normal and that it would pass.  I cared for her.  I brought her breakfast, lunch and dinner in bed during that time.  Woke the kids and got them off to school.  Took over many daily functions of the home.  And, I continue to perform the daily routine of waking the kids and getting them off to school among other things.  These are all things that my wife used to "jump out of bed" to do for our family in the morning.  Sadly, my wife has not been the same since our oldest son left home.  A few months after he left, my frustration as to the much increased distance between us and the continued rejection finally brought our marital problems to the surface.  Could it be that her ADHD symptoms multiplied or magnified as a result of this traumatic experience?  Could a change in medications and/or dosages at that time have counteracted these changes in her?

    The "tight-rope" that I am walking is insanely stressful.  To be the one encouraging medications, counseling, and the reading of books for the betterment of our family and the salvation of our marriage seems to be the most bizarre risk while your wife  is simultaneously telling you that she wants a divorce because your are CONTROLLING and a FATHER FIGURE!  I have never been faced with a situation ANY TRICKIER than this one!  "Fragile" does not begin to describe the state that this marriage is in.  Having our children's future mental well-being and security hanging in the balance is a scenario that would not wish on anyone. 

    I so wish someone else would take over for a while.  At least until her perceptions of my being controlling and parental are alleviated.  This is as close to a "no win" situation as I have ever experienced.  A "no win" situation with stakes riding on it that could not be any higher.          

     

  • One step forward...twenty steps back by: needsalifeline 13 years 1 month ago

    Ok, I wasn't sure exactly where to put this so here it is and I need to vent...like NOW!!

    So everything is still going quite well until oh Wednesday!  My DH went to the doctor for a refill on the Wellbutrin (he is having one hell of a time quitting smoking this time) and because the cough he has had is not going away.  In the last month he has had two ear infections and bronchitis......so while talking with the doctor she asked him about other symptoms.  He told her about being sick all the time, the weight gain, the tiredness.  Well she runs some test and all symptoms point to cancer (that he may have had for the last 2 years).  More tests next week, to get a concrete diagnosis (there is also a possibility of it being diabetes)....so this has thrown him into a tailspin (although he maintains it isn't bothering him).  He has now told me how he wants his funeral (ridiculous things like he wants a casket he can sit up in), how fast he wants me to "move on", etc....

    Yesterday I found out that I got the job I have been really wanting: a bit more an hour, no weekends, no nights, no holidays.  He isn't even happy about it, he wants me to stay where I am even though its horrible hours and less pay.  To say the least I was in an awesome mood!  I also had measurements done to see how my fitness training is going and its going very well...I finally have biceps you can see and I have lost 40 pounds.  Well I was in a goofy mood so i was showing him my new muscles and his response was "your not even flexing", I figured he was just into his computer stuff so I walked away.  Well as I walked away hes like "why are you bothering me anyway".  I cant win he bitches when I'm in not in a "happy" mood all the time and accuses me of being too negative, but when I am in a really good mood I am bothering him.....arggggggg.

    Ok I had to get that out of my system!  I knew you all would understand, when no one around here would have!  Have an awesome day! ~~HUGS~~

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