I was diagnosed with AD(H)D back in April of this year(2011). Prior to this profound discovery, the communication with my newly married wife was starting to get worse and worse, some days we speak no more than "Hi, Hello, I love you (seems hollow), Goodbye, and so on. We had been seeing an MFT and myself with anxiety disorder that was masked with an undiagnosed ADHD. My wife bless her heart is a VERY intelligent woman BSN in Nursing, BA in Psychology. She had suggested I get tested for ADHD. I had agreed and the finding was yes in fact I do have ADHD. It shed light on the issues with the communication problems with my wife. At first it was like a feeling of "Oh My God" this explains everything. Seemed to be a great revelation to the issues at hand.

After learning of this Psychiatric epiphany, I made the move to start learning as much as I can, purchasing books, including the one mentioned on this site. I learned an overload of information, suggested to my wife who had heard of ADHD but never had a strong intellectual basis of the disorder. She started reading the books and reading information on the internet regarding the non-adhd spouse and they're experiences. It seemed to just set off a ticking time bomb of emotions, anger, resentment, to name a few emotions.

We have seem to hit a stumble with our own path to making the disorder coexist in a manageable way that is not destructive to our relationship. She has concerns that the steps that I have taken have not worked. Steps include; The meds (Adderal, Celexa), seeing a MFT, seeing a couples MFT who s has the most experience with ADHD in our area. I've been taking accountability for my issues and not blaming anyone for the ADHD & only accepting it and trying to make it work for us. The depression and my initial reactions of shock and awe have passed. As I said before, from what I understand I am doing everything I can possibly to control and dampen the effect on our relationship. The PsyD has told me many times this is going to take time to get the balance of medications working correctly to lessen the effects of the ADHD on myself and my marriage. I have some feelings, hurt, dismay, depressed feelings of responsibility to the issues that plague us. I am at the point with my MFT, the new couple MFT, we can't move any further until something happens with one of the number of things on our plate of issues.

Here is where the underlying issue is, the resentment, anger, disappointment, frustration, and myriad of emotions on her side. I have a constant guilt about what I've done passively to the relationship, and it hurts. Knowing that I was the one who brought this into our relationship pains me more then I think I could ever tell my wife. The thought that I emotionally hurt her is a huge blow to my self esteem.

This leads me to my questions given the limited background (I could on for days regarding this), where do I go from here? I feel I am on a waiting game with the PsyD with regard to Rx's, a waiting game with the MFT's to what is the next step. However the frustration, anger, resentment, etc, just keeps building it seems with no end in sight, my wife has started to see her own MFT to work on some of her own issues, but this is not even close to being at a point we can both agree progress is being made.  I want the resentment to go away, and I truly want her happy.  Moreover I want us happy. However it seems elusive. What else is there I can be doing, the responsibility that I have to correct this is very clear to me. Working past the initial shock and awe was hard, and I know there is a ton of things I need to work on but I can only do one thing at a time, otherwise I obviously 19 things get started and not finished.

My partner is one of the poster child cases.  He has never been diagnosed, though, and doesn't believe in ADHD.

When we were getting dressed yesterday, I had to tell him to put on a clean shirt.  We had the same conversation the previous morning, but on that day he had already put on the dirty shirt and was too overwhelmed by the concept of changing.  So yesterday I caught him in time and he finally abandoned the tee shirt he had been wearing for five days, including two of yardwork.  Next!

Feeling good about how the tee shirt issue had been addressed, I asked him to pick up the pile of trash accumulating on the bathroom floor.  I had moved the trash can to the other end of the bathroom a few days ago and I told him a few times, but he just kept throwing his q-tips and tissues on the floor where the trash can had been for the first couple of months in our new house.  I couldn't bring myself to pick up the trash.  We've had numerous struggles with this issue in the past four years.  When I first moved in with him, he would leave any trash wherever he created it, even apple cores and orange peels, all over the house, including the bedroom, sometimes for days while I incredulously waited for him to deal with it.  So at least I somehow mostly re-trained him on that.  And yesterday I thought I would point out this new trash issue.  He resisted and yelled at me for insulting him.  I swear, I was so gentle, though. 

But the previous night we had gone out and had to drive home on winding country homes after dark.  He drove.  And on this ride, I had to remind him to slow down no less than ten times as he repeatedly sped up to 45 mph while entering blind curves that have 25 mph signs posted.  So he woke up feeling some sense of wounded pride.

In the four years we have been together, he has received two cell phones tickets, one hov violation, three speeding tickets, and a left turn on red ticket!  I have been in the car when he has been pulled over at least three other times without getting a ticket.  I know of about five other pull-overs that didn't result in tickets.  I have a hard time getting the keys away from him, though, and have some vision issues that keep me from driving comfortably at night myself.  He has taken some driving classes to keep his license before we got together.  The last time I was with him when he was pulled over, the officer let him go b/c one more ticket would lead to a suspended license.

Since we've moved into our new house, he has not only forgotten how to out down the toilet seat, something his mother successfully reinforced when he was little, but he has also been forgetting to flush the toilet after he poos.  So his pride is also wounded over the fact that I have to remind him to go back and flush.  Honestly, I don't even bother if he just peed. 

Following the weekend's yard work, I had to go through the yard with him to clean up, which I really didn't mind in theory, but he spent the whole time whining about how he would take care of picking up the yard waste on trash day and his tools later.  Mind that the yard project started with him running to the store for replacement tools for the one he destroyed by leaving them outside all summer.  But he didn't like having the neighbors hear me bossing him around.

Mind that this is not a macho guy.  He was raised in a very progressive extended family by a single working mother who is a yoga teacher and organic chef.  His step dad came into the picture when my guy was 10.  The step dad is a musician and a teacher who wears a pony tail and identifies more as a wife!  My guy was raised among the gay community that ran the AIDS patient clinic in his home town.  He is usually better friends with women b/c he lacks the competitive edge so often present in male relationships.  He doesn't follow sports.  He's humiliated b/c he's a 30 year old person who still needs a mommy.

Last night, the camel's back was broken at dinner.  I made his favorite lasagne.  He ate two servings and wanted a third.  Mind that these were huge servings and that he had already eaten more than a pound of cheese and meat and that he gets heartburn when he overeats and keeps me up all night weeping ang whining about his stomaheaches.  And although he keeps fit in general, when I make a meal with leftovers, he just can't stop eating.  So I have to make a fresh meal that is small enough for just the two of us to eat proper portions every single night.  This lasagne was the first in months because I had some beautiful basil and tomatoes that were just so perfect and because he keeps asking when we can have his favorite meal again.  I suppose this is more related to his addiction issues.  I said, "please don't have another.  Remember how we talked about your brain chemisty recently?  You aren't really still hungry, your brain just wants more stimulation of the pleasure center.  If you eat more, you are going to be sick."  And we fought some more about how mean I am.  But I swear I am not being mean!  He calls me mean in exactly the same way I used to call my mother mean b/c she made me go to bed or do my homework or eat my vegetables or wouldn't let me take a cab to nyc to hang out in greenwich village with some boy who was four years older than me when I was 14.

Thing is, I have no where to go.  I've been unemployed since we've been together.  I have some health issues that keep me from working and I am not comfortable with public assistance programs.  My guy makes enough money to support us and we've been living under the assumption that we are in this relationship for life, although neither of us in interested in the government's or any religious organization's approval.  We don't have health insurance, though, and the government programs don't provide the proper care for my health issues.  My guy has been paying out of pocket for my health care for just the past month and I am hoping that I get well enough in the next year to go back to work, economy allowing.  And then maybe I can get enough money together for a deposit on my own apartment b/c I now realize that he is never going to get help and I can't be his mommy. But how the hell do I get through the upcoming months w/ some sanity and self-worth in tact?  If he would drop the pride and just get help and stop treating me like the mother to his adolescent tendencies, I would stay forever.  Whenever we aren't struggling over the adhd issues, he is the most affectionate, loving, loyal partner you can imagine.  We agree on virtually all politics and social issues and have very similar tastes in everything from food to movies.  We just enjoy each other's company and are happier spending time together than I ever even thought possible.  But I also still hope to have a baby and I obviously can't do that with him.  I can deal with a lifetime of unacknowledged birthdays and even uncertain finances, but I can't deal with the thought of leaving a child alone with this man or with the knowledge that I will be cast as the evil harpy mother. 

Sorry for the vent.  I have no place else in the world to let it out.

Hi Everyone,

I've been away and wanted to post about my positive experience.

I spent two weeks with my family at my father in law's house.  My husband and his siblings wanted to have a weekend celebration for their father, who turned 80.  My husband and I decided to make a vacation out of it and get there a couple weeks before the event so that the kids would have time with their grandfather.

a bit of background:  My mother in law died in 1997, at the age of 48.  She had an aggressive cancer and it was only 8 months from diagnosis to death.  When she died, the two older boys were grown & out of the house, but the younger kids were 17 and 15.  The 15 year old (the only girl out of 4)  took over the role of her mom, cooking and cleaning for the whole family while also going to school, babysitting and doing a paper route.  When she went to college, her brother stayed behind, attending college sporadically, getting into all kinds of mischief, including, I believe, setting up a robbery of his own house.  (What kind of thief breaks into a house, leaving nothing disturbed but knows EXACTLY where to find the 2 most expensive pieces of heirloom jewelry?  And how did this thief know about a computer in the basement and why did he decide to open the computer and remove a particular chip instead of simply stealing the computer?)  For the next decade or so, he and my father-in-law lived like bachelors.  The house, as you can imagine fell to ruin, much of it, untouched since my mother in law's death.  Every time we visited for holidays etc. I would be desperate to clean, but would not even know where to start and everything I saw just lead to another thing that needed to be fixed...  on top of that, my little brother in law, in his 20s, was supposed to be helping around the house with cleaning and chores as part of 'rent' and anytime i attempted to do anything, by father in law would get angry at HIM because it was supposed to be his job to clean.  The kitchen would be waste high in garbage and recycling, but no one would tell me how to get into the garage (separate from the house, under a code) to take it out because it was my brother in law's job to take it out.  He, of course, was never home, and the chaos, garbage piled up.  I would get SO depressed there.  My husband didn't seem to notice or care and neither did the other men in the family. They sat in front of the TV watching various series on DVD. His sister would try to clean up, but she has a high stress/demanding job in another city and cannot be there for more than 2 days and (understandably) would rather spend time with her dad than clean a hopeless mess).  usually after 2 days, my soul would be crushed and I would give up too.

The brother moved out a few years ago, but it was still difficult for me to clean up while there because i had an infant, then a toddler, then and infant AND a toddler.  I would manage to get the kitchen and the bathrooms clean, but couldn't do much else.  To top it off:  there is a cat.  My husband AND my daughter have severe cat allergy.  I have to dose my daughter with Benedryl, Zyrtec, Flovent (inhaler) AND Albuterol for wheezing.  The albuterol makes her hyper and angry and violent.  She punches and kicks and gets really angry and I can see in her eyes when she gets like that that she is even afraid of herself.  She has given me a fat lip and bloody nose while we've been there while on albuterol.  

So this time I made a decision before we went there.  I was going to clean that house.  And... try to fix anything that I could fix.  I decided I could not put up with living in filth and I refuse to subject my children to it.  At first, my husband would take the girls somewhere with my father in law and I would make up some excuse to stay home so I could clean.  Anytime he saw me cleaning he would tell me to stop ("no! that is not necessary!  Sit down and have a drink!") and i would back off for a while.  But finally I thought, f*ck it.  I am cleaning this house and i refuse to stop.  It is work that HAS to be done and someone's got to do it and that someone is me.  before DH's siblings arrived I was cleaning out the bedrooms where they were going to sleep.  There was enough cat hair stuck to the drapes to make 3 large sweaters plus spider eggs, dust bunnies - ok dust rhinoceroses - and everything was covered in 2 cm of dust.  Oh yeah:  and clutter.  papers, books, change... wrappers, clothes... you name it.  All over the floor.  My father in law kept telling me to stop cleaning, that all they needed to do was put sheets on the beds.  well... all the bedding was covered in cat hair, there was ONE pillow (for a family of four) the rooms were filthy and one room had been a sewing room, so there were dozens of pins and needles on the floor and other sharp dangerous sewing materials within reach of the 2 year old & 10 month old that would be in there.  Over the next week I scrubbed the kitchen floor, I washed the living room drapes (who knew?  they are white!)  Scrubbed the food-splatter marks off the dining room wall.  cut dead branches off the plants.  DUSTED the plants.  washed all the couch cushion covers, vacuumed and dusted everywhere cleaned the laundry room in the basement because there was not one surface that was not filthy and I could not take our clothes out of the washer and put them into the dryer without touching something that would leave grime on myself or the clothes.  I scrubbed the rust and paint and grime off the sink down there til it shone like a silver Christmas ball.  Took the crumpled clothes and towels that had been on the floor YEARS and put them through the wash and folded them.  I vacuumed the steps to the basement that had been caked in cobwebs, cat litter, dust etc....  many other little projects...  Everyone was astounded.  Everyone was happy.  My brothers in law and my husband trimmed some trees in the yard and before they put the ladder away I went around the house with it and washed all the windows.  went inside and while my husband and sister in law prepared a huge birthday dinner I cleaned the INSIDE of the windows.  The result was amazing, and I opened ALL of the curtains and let the light in.  It is a totally different house now.  When I came inside from cleaning the windows, my father in law, who had previously been so upset/embarrassed about my cleaning frenzy stood up and said simply, "Thank you very much." and I almost cried.

I didn't get everything done that I wanted to, but have a list for our next trip.  This time, I will insist that DH help!!!

For me, this was a huge lesson in doing things a chunk at a time, something every day and also just learning to not let myself feel hopeless.  I have felt all year like my life was not in my own control and this showed me that I can really make a difference - not just for me - if I use my strength and make changes.

Hyperfocus?  Maybe a little.  But I DID recognize the things I could manage and things that would just be ridiculous, and only took on the projects that I knew I could handle.  How many times in my life have i started something only to realize halfway through that i couldn't finish it because it was simply too much??

Anyway - feeling happy and ready to take on my second year in this city.  Determined to be happy.  determined to stop feeling overwhelmed & worthless.

Hope y'all are well!

Ellamenno

I found this quote today and thought I would share.  Everyone have a great day!!

"You don't have to understand someone to love them, but you have to love someone to understand them"