Hello, everybody!

 Long story short: I finally had enough and made extensive plans to break up with and kick out my beloved boyfriend, eta in one week. 

Last night he comes home, ON TIME, takes me out to dinner [ never happens! ] and tells me he is juuuust at the top of the hump with crazy work schedule, and later leaves me a note saying how close he is and lists the things he wants us to do together. 

fyi the big issues w/me have been his near constant all-nighters, total lack of attention to the relationship, lack of self care, and broken promises. He IS taking meds, though no other cognitive therapy. 

 I am completely confused. Is this for real? Or is he telepathic? I don't know what to believe. I am so afraid of kicking him out, wrecking his life and making a huuuuge mistake, because we do love each other. Or, is he telling me what I need to hear, and finally keeping a promise here and there? I feel like if I end this, I'm a monster, if I stay, I'm stupid. Of course I am also completely emotionally exhausted. 

 I realize nobody here is telepathic either, but any insight or opinions would be awesome. Thank you! 

rara avis

I'm glad that I have found this site. I am marred to a man,even though he has not been diagnosed ADHA, he is. We have been married 8 months and it has been a steady down hill race since we said I do. He made me feel like I was his whole world when we were dating. Listen to me, wanted to be with me, hold me, touch me, helped here a the house when I had to work late. Was here for me when I had a nervous breakdown. So supportive, sweet, funny, never a mean word. OH how I loved him and was sure of his love

Then we got married. It has been like some one have flipped a switch. He never touches me with out me having to ask, beg or just grab him to get a hug. Sex, which was great is now nonexistent. He will come in from work and greets the dogs with hugs, kisses and kind words. Never says a word to me. Never touches me.  Does nothing here at the house, which is mine before we married, never helps to pay a bill, his work is more important than anything and I mean anything. In a days time I might see him for an hour. And in that hour he has no time to listen to what has gone on in my day. The only thing that is of any importance is what he is doing.

He tell me that he love me more that anyone on earth, and in his own way I believe he does. But he use to show me how much he love me. Now he comes home to eat and then leave to go to his house where he still has his dogs and gets interested in the television or talks to his friends on the phone over there and leaves me home here by myself. He is loosing that house through that mess with Bank of America. They are going to foreclose on it.

There is a LARGE dog pen here that he had built for his dogs 4 months ago. He built it so he could bring the dog here and he wouldn't have to go over there, the other house, to take care of them. We would be able to spend the evenings together. 8 months married and we have never spent the evening together, never. You know now that I'm writing this down I  sound nuts. I'm just so sad that someone who I love so much is incapable of showing any affection to me. I feel like his maid, not his wife. All of this is affecting me mentally. I feel like I am on a carrousel going round and round. Nothing is ever settled. The bills, mine to take care of, the house, mine to take care of. I miss the man I married. I don't know if I can stay with the one I ended up with. I cry so much any more, I'm so sad, I don't know what to do. He will not go to his DR. and talk to him about his whirlwind life. He is hyper at times down at times and just plan mean talking at times.

I married to have a life partner who I could share everyday experiences with. We use to, now, well now I just don't know what to do. This all sounds crazy

Hello Everyone,

First, I just want to say "thank you" to everyone who has responded to my posts on other topics.  Even if I didn't have time to respond to everyone, please know that you all are helping me a lot!  No one on the "outside" understands what it is like to be in an ADHD marriage (or at least no one I know).  I am more grateful than you'll ever know :).

Naturally, I have another question to pose to you.  I legitimately do not know how to apologize to my husband when he tells me I have either done something/not done something that makes him angry or hurt and I have zero recollection of it.   After an accusation, I used to immediately argue with him that I didn't do it & didn't remember it so I couldn't have possibly have done it (go ahead and laugh at me non-ADHD spouses; I get it now;)!).  I rarely have that reaction now, unless he's on the attack, and then it's a 50/50 toss.  So my new way of approaching this is to say, "I'll take your word for it.  I don't remember doing it, but I know that doesn't mean anything."

I then try to process it and try to recall because at that point, an apology seems insincere as I don't feel contrite until I have some memory of actually having done what he's told me I must have done.  When I tell him I'll take his word for it, this seems to make him even angrier.  I do need to talk to him about it when we both have some time and ask him what kind of apology would be sufficient in his mind.  He clearly has some idea of what he doesn't want, and presumably of what he is actually seeking, but has yet to communicate that to me.

*I am so distracted right now by autosave going off every 5 seconds ...Need... to... focus :(!*

O.K.  I'm now trying to look at the ceiling while I type so I can concentrate. 

When my husband gets angrier following my beginning  (understand this is not a true apology yet) to assume responsibility, I do start getting defensive.  If he would just let me process, I'm sure I could say that even though I'm not always certain of what I did, it is reasonable to propose that I did based on my ADHD symptoms, and then a true apology with true regret could follow.  I just need a few minutes.  He claims that I don't and the answer should be readily apparent and that there is nothing to process.  Where am I going astray?  Is it unreasonable for me to need to process first, and apologize later?  Does it matter if I apologize but don't "feel it?" As is usually the case with us, the actual reason for the fight is not generally earth-shattering;  I just have no idea how to handle it. 

Non's out there, what kind of apology would make you feel better in situations where your spouse has no memory of the alleged incident?  How would you want it to be handled?  Have you and your spouse come to a resolution on this topic.  I know it drives the Non's crazy when we argue and memories.  Only when I started having the same type of issues with my son and he was arguing with his Dad and me did I see the error of my ways.  Just don't know how to disengage.